Crazy book titles:
Handling Big Cats by Lionel Bite
Transport in Hong Kong by Rick Shaw
Tidiness Around the Home by Anita House
Falling off a Cliff by Eileen Dover
Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall
A Dog’s Treat by Nora Bone
The School Truancy Problem by Marcus Absent
Small Green Vegetables by Russell Sprout
Everyday Cooking Utensils by Lydia Saucepan
Building Up by Hedda Steam
Home Furnishings by Chester Drawers
More Home Furnishings by Nesta Tables
Without Warning by Oliver Sudden
Dressing for the Gym by Leo Tard
Islands of the World by Archie Pelago
A Load of Old Rubbish by Stefan Nonsense
The Lehman Brothers Heist by Robin Banks
Bad Cow Jokes by Terry Bull
Keeping Pet Snakes by Sir Pent
Interior Home Decorating by Matt Finish
Security Fences by Barb Dwyer
Battle Axes by Tom A. Hawk
The Housing Problem by Rufus Quick
Confessions of a Gold Digger by Emile Ticket
Hopelessly Lost by Miles Away
A Cowboy’s Life by Brandon Irons
Bank Robbery for Beginners by Hans Upp
An Encyclopedia of Explosives by Dinah Mite
Hot Dog by Frank Furter
Puddles In My Bed by I.P. Knightley
A Child’s Favourite Candies by Annie Seedball
Candle Vaulting by Jack B. Nimble
Droopy Drawers by Lucy Lastic
Covering Every Eventuality by Justin Case
A Spoonerist’s Guide to Caring for Antiques by Christine Pondition
Too Long in Jail by Freda Prisoners
Telephone Problems by Ron Number
Aches and Pains by Arthur It is
The Peace Process by Olive Branch
My Worst Journey by Helen Back
Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving by Holly Daze
Falling Trees by Tim Burr
Don’t Wake Baby by Elsie Cries
Just Say No by Will Power
Practical Grass Cutting by Moses Lawn
Downpour by Wayne Dwops
Looking Into the Future by Claire Voyant
An Encyclopedia of Plant Eaters by Herb Avore
Into the Danger Zone by Hugo First
I Hate Daytime by Gladys Knight
Practical Vegetable Growing by Tom R. Toe
A History of Scottish Dentistry by Phil McCavity
Decorating Your Mousehole by Minnie Blinds
The Dash for the Train by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
The Unfortunate Woman by Paul Adey
Military Tactics by Sally Forth
Food on the Table by E. Tittup.
Fade Away by Peter Out
String Instruments by Amanda Linn
The Miracle Drug by Penny Cillin
A Hole in my Roof by Lee King
Bricklaying Skills by Manuel Labour
How to Complain by Mona Lott
Not So Hot by Luke Warm
The Joy of Diamonds by Jules Sparkle
Animal Ailments by Ann Thrax
The Rebounding Bullet by Rick O’Shea
The Telltale Heart by Stefi Scope
Mobile Homes by Winnie Bago
Shotgun Wedding by Marius Quickly
The Haunted House by Major Jump
Neat Shirts by Preston Ironed
The Funeral Guide by Paul Bearer
Bubbles in the Bathtub by Ivor Windybottom
Artificial Clothing by Polly Ester
Profiting From Divorce by Ali Money
The American Dream by Jason Rainbows
Message Understood by Roger Wilko
Ceiling Lighting by Sean Da Leer
It Won’t Work by Mal Function
Italian Pasta Dishes by Ravi Oli
How to Stay Clam by Jill Out
Girl on a Budget by Penny Pincher
Flakes of Scalp by Dan Druff
Keeping Caged Birds by Ken Airey
Preparing Leather by Tanya Hide
Safe Motorcycle Riding by Helmut Wearer
Robbery in the Bar by Nick McGuinness
Snakes of the Amazon by Anna Conda
Don’t Mess With Me! by Amanda B. Reckonwith
The Careless Lion Tamer by Claude Bottom
The Welsh Joke Book by Dai Laffin
Target Shooting for Beginners by Mr Completely
Everybody Else by Allan Sundry
Lawn Chairs and Tables by Patty O’Furniture
The Art of Tug of War by Paul Hard
Ready…Set… by Sadie Word
Overpopulation in Paris by Francis Crowded
Flogging in the Army by Corporal Punishment
The Magic of Chlorophyll by Teresa Green
Hertz, Doesn’t it? by Lisa Carr
Born with a Silver Spoon in my Mouth by Rich Kidd
The Vanishing Man by Otto Sight
Maintaining Discipline in Society by Laura Norder
Off to Market by Tobias A. Pigg
Collecting Wriggly Creatures by Tina Worms
The Mammoth Book of Mammoths by Ellie Funt
Did you hear about the book on cowardice?
It had no spine.
Did you hear about the book on copyright infringement?
It had legal binding.
Did you hear about the book on fashion?
It had a smart jacket.
Where do books sleep?
Under their covers.
Why did the librarian slip on the library floor?
She was in the non-friction section.
Which book teaches animals how to mate?
The Llama Sutra
A man went into a bookstore and said, “Do you have a book by Shakespeare?”
“Certainly, sir,” replied the clerk. “Which one?”
“William, of course.”
A man said to his brother, “Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?”
“Yes,” the brother replied. “I just can’t find the words to thank you enough.”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What did the cannibal say when he saw a sleeping missionary?
Oh, yummy! Breakfast in bed!
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
Toast the bride and groom.
When do cannibals leave the dinner table?
When everyone’s eaten.
Did you hear about the cannibal who liked peanut butter?
He ate his son Pat.
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?
They’re very bitter.
What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs.
Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?
Because writers cramp but readers digest.
Did you see the movie about the cannibal who devoured his mother-in-law?
It was called Gladiator.
Why did the cannibal decide to become a missionary?
If you can’t eat ’em, join ’em.
What did the cannibal mum say to her son who was chasing a missionary?
Stop playing with your food!
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them.
How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give them a hand.
What happened to the cannibal lion?
He had to swallow his pride.
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a balanced meal.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
First cannibal: Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Second cannibal: That was no lady, that was my supper.
A cannibal arrives home to find his wife chopping up a python and a very small man. “Oh no,” groans the cannibal. “Not snake and pygmy pie again!”
“Mom, Mom,” said the young cannibal. “I’ve eaten a missionary and I feel sick.”
“Well, that’s because it’s true what they say – you can’t keep a good man down.”
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everyone on it.
After eating someone, a cannibal tells his friend, “I’m a vegetarian.”
“How can you be a vegetarian?” asks the friend. “I just saw you eat that person.”
“That’s okay,” says the cannibal. “He was a Swede.”
“Well, children,” said the cannibal cooking teacher. “What did you make of the new history teacher?”
The children replied, “Burgers, ma’am.”
What is a cannibal’s favourite food?
Baked beings.
Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet.
A young cannibal is sitting at the dinner table. He turns to his mother and says, “I hate grandma.”
“Well, leave her on the side of your plate then, dear.”
What was the cannibal called who ate his father’s sister?
An aunt-eater.
Why did the cannibal have indigestion?
He ate someone who disagreed with him.
A cannibal boy says to his mother, “I’ve brought a friend home for dinner.”
“Put him in the fridge,” says the mother, “and we’ll have him tomorrow.”
What happened when the cannibal crossed the Atlantic on a luxury liner?
He told the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list.
First cannibal: My wife’s really tough.
Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another twenty minutes.
What did the cannibal parents say when their teenaged daughter brought her new boyfriend home?
He’s very nice, darling – he looks good enough to eat.
Two missionaries in Africa are captured by a band of cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.
His friend couldn’t believe it. “What are you laughing at?” he cried. “We’re being boiled alive! They’re going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?”
The laughing missionary says, “I just peed in their soup!”
What happens if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water.
What do the cannibals call two skateboarders?
Meals on wheels.
A cannibal visits his neighbour to admire his new refrigerator. “What’s the capacity?” he asks.
“I’m not sure,” says the neighbour. “But it holds at least the two men who delivered it.”
A little cannibal came running into the house saying, “Mom, Dad’s fallen on the bonfire!”
His mother said, “Great, we’ll have a barbecue.”
A cannibal chief was about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested, “You can’t eat me, I’m a newspaper editor.”
“Well,” said the cannibal, “soon you’ll be editor in chief.”
Two cannibals were having lunch. One said, “Your wife makes a great soup.”
“Yes, she does,” agreed the other. “I’m going to miss her.”
What happened to the comedian who did a show for the cannibal tribe?
He went down really well.
Boy cannibal: Mom says we’re having Aunty for Christmas dinner this year.
Girl cannibal: Well, she can’t possibly be tougher than last year’s turkey!
Why did the cannibal join the police force?
So he could grill suspects.
Why wouldn’t the cannibal eat Usain Bolt?
Because he was afraid he would give him the runs.
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary’s ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity.
What happened after the cannibal discovered religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays.
Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
Two cannibals are talking. One says to the other, “I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary. I’ve roasted them, I’ve grilled them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve baked them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve tried everything. But I just can’t get them tender.”
The second cannibal asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”
The first cannibal says, “You know, the ones that live in that big house near the woods. They wear those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny circle of hair on their heads.”
“Ah!” exclaims the second cannibal. “No wonder. Those are friars.”
