Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
Slippers.
Why don’t bananas ever get lonely?
Because they go around in bunches.
A man went into a bar with a banana in his ear.
The bartender looked at him suspiciously and said, “Excuse me, do you know you’ve got a banana in your ear?”
The man said, “I can’t hear you. I’ve got a banana in my ear.”
What’s yellow and goes bzzzzz?
An electric banana.
What’s yellow and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?
A four-door banana.
What’s yellow, then green, then yellow, then green?
A banana with a night job as a cucumber.
First man: My wife went on a special banana diet.
Second man: Did she lose weight?
First man: No, but she can sure climb trees!
Why didn’t the banana snore?
It was afraid it would wake up the rest of the bunch.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try to cheer it up.
What is yellow and always points to the north?
A magnetic banana.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?
He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
How did the mother banana spoil the baby banana?
She left him out in the sun too long.
Why did the banana put on sun cream?
To keep from peeling.
A man walked into a bar with a banana on his head. As he served him, the bartender said, “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you’ve got a banana on your head.”
“That’s okay,” said the man. “I always wear a banana on my head on Wednesdays.”
“But today’s Thursday,” said the bartender.
“It’s not, is it?” said the man. “Oh, no! I must look a complete fool!”
wo vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”
“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats can come with us.”
The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave and when he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”
The first bat takes his friend to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the first bat,
“I didn’t.”
Why don’t bats live alone?
They prefer to hang out with their friends.
How does a girl bat flirt?
She bats her eyes.
What did the mouse say when it saw a bat?
Mom, an angel!
How do bats fly without bumping into things?
They use their wing mirrors.
How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go!
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What should you call a bald teddy?
Fred bear.
How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put it on stilts.
What’s small and cuddly and bright purple?
A koala holding its breath.
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A polo bear.
What’s a bear’s favourite pasta?
Tagliateddy.
A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, “Please could I have a…” thinks for a moment and continues, “beer.”
The bartender replies, “Why the big pause?”
What is a bear’s favourite drink?
Coca-koala.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Two men are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his trainers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker asks, “What are you doing?”
The first responds, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll have to jump down and make a run for it.”
The second says, “Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can’t outrun a bear?”
The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear … I only have to outrun you!”
Why didn’t the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.
One day a baby polar bear approaches his mother with a confused expression on his face and says, “Mom? Am I a polar bear?”
His mother replies, “Well, of course you are son!”
The cub says, “You’re sure I’m not a brown bear or a black bear?”
“No, of course not. Now run outside and play.”
But the baby polar bear is still confused so he approaches his father.
The cub asks, “Dad, am I a polar bear?”
“Why of course son!” he replies.
The cub continues, “Are you sure I don’t have any grizzly bear in my bloodlines?”
“No son. I’m a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, and you too are one hundred per cent purebred polar bear! Why in the world do you ask?”
“Because I’m freezing!”
Why do koalas carry their babies on their back?
Because they can’t push a pram up a tree.
A man and a tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar. The man says, “I’ll have a beer, and the bear will have a large Matabooboo.”
The bartender asks, “What’s a Matabooboo?”
The bear replies, “Nuttin’ Yogi.”
What is white, furry and shaped like a tooth?
A molar bear.
What’s brown and hairy and can see just as well from either end?
A bear with its eyes shut!
What steps do you take when a bear is chasing you?
Very big ones!
What colour socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his dinner?
Because he was stuffed.
A man was hiking in the woods one day when a bear chased him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the man climbed even higher. After a while the bear climbed down and went away. The man breathed a sigh of relief and started to climb down the tree.
Suddenly the bear returned and this time he had brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climbed the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the smaller bear, but luckily the man was able to climb higher still so that the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually the bears climbed down and went away. The man breathed a huge sigh of relief and started to climb down the tree.
Suddenly the two bears returned – and this time the man knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a beaver…
Who is a bee’s favourite singer?
Sting.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
Who is a bee’s favourite pop group?
The Bee Gees.
Why do bees hum?
Because they’ve forgotten the words.
What do you call a clumsy bee?
A fumble bee.
What’s the best part of a bee?
Its knees.
What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
Wait at a buzz stop.
What do bees chew?
Bumble gum.
What did the bee footballer say after netting a goal?
Hive scored.
How do we know that bees are happy?
Because they hum while they work.
What bee is good for your health?
Vitamin bee.
What does a bee say before it stings someone?
This is going to hurt me a lot more that it will hurt you.
What does a bee order at McDonald’s?
A humburger.
What is more dangerous than being with a fool?
Fooling with a bee.
Where do bees go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What does a bee sit on?
Its bee-hind.
Why did the bee start reciting poetry?
He was waxing lyrical.
What are the cleverest bees?
Spelling bees.
What kind of bee talks very quietly?
A mumble bee.
What did the bee say to the bluebottle?
I must fly now but I’ll give you a buzz later.
If we get honey from bees, what do we get from wasps?
Waspberry jam.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee?
Bee-hive yourself!
Why did the bees go on strike?
Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Where did Noah’s bees live?
In the Ark-hives.
What did the bee say to the flower?
Hi, honey.
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
You get a buzzy signal.
Where do wasps go when they’re ill?
To waspital.
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll through his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: “Just Released – New Album – Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make – available now.”
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop and says to the shop assistant, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new album you have advertised in the window.”
“Certainly, sir,” says the young man behind the counter. “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the
headphones, I’ll put it on for you.”
The man goes into the booth and puts on the headphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those.”
“I’m very sorry, sir,” says the young assistant. “If you’d care to step into the booth again, I can play you another track.”
He steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
“I don’t understand it,” he says. “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognize any of those!”
“I’m terribly sorry, sir,” says the assistant. “Perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track?”
Sighing, the man steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this record.”
“I really am terribly sorry,” says the young assistant. “I’ve just realized I was playing you the bee side.”
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.
Why did the owl ‘owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er.
What is the definition of robin?
A bird who steals.
When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they’re going cheep.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?
Lost.
Which birds steal soap from the bath?
Robber ducks.
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.
Where do birds invest their money?
In the stork market.
Why don’t owls go on dates when it’s raining?
It’s too wet to woo.
What kind of birds do you find in prison?
Jail birds.
How much beer can birds with large beaks drink in an evening?
Tou cans.
What did the tree say to the woodpecker?
You bore me.
Two budgies are sat on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.
What do pelicans eat?
Anything that fits the bill.
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger.
Where do penguins vote?
At the South Poll.
A penguin walked into a hotel and asked the receptionist, “Has my wife been in yet?”
“I don’t know,” said the receptionist. “What does she look like?”
How can you tell when a turkey is done?
He flushes the toilet.
Where do crows go for a drink?
To a crowbar.
What does a baby swan wear on its legs?
A cygnet ring.
Why does an ostrich have a long neck?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What does a bird take with it when it goes skydiving?
A sparrowchute.
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn’t give a hoot.
What do you call a bird that digs for coal?
A mynah bird.
After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract her husband’s attention, he just shrugged her off with some bored comment.
This went on for months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, she sees this big, ugly bird with beady eyes and a powerful beak and claws.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, tells her it is a specially imported Goony bird and it has a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he says, “Goony bird! The table!”
Immediately, the Goony bird flies off its perch, attacks the table and smashes it into hundreds of pieces with its powerful beak and claws. To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper says, “Goony bird! The shelf!”
The Goony bird turns to the shelf and demolishes it in seconds.
“Wow!” says the woman. “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So she buys the bird and takes it home.
When she enters the house, the husband is, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. “Honey!” she exclaims. “I’ve got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!”
The husband, in his usual bored tone replies, “Goony bird, my foot!”
What always succeeds?
A toothless budgie.
What bird is grey?
A melted penguin.
What goose once ruled India?
Mohandas Gander.
Why do some sea birds believe everything they are told?
Because they’re gull-ible.
A computer programmer, bored with his job, decides to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he buys a pair of rheas, which are like ostriches, and a large tract of land.
His rhea farm is soon doing booming business as there appears to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling them, the rhea farmer starts researching how the birds are being used. He finds that all parts of the birds are being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody, it seems, wants the plainly coloured rhea feathers.
But the rhea farmer has a plan. He purchases some equipment and chemicals, employs some technical experts and is soon selling pretty coloured rhea feathers. The resulting sales are amazing and make the new feather merchant very happy. There is one small problem. The workers making the coloured feathers are becoming quite ill. The concerned young man calls in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.
It was discovered that the workers had developed a severe case of dye a rhea.
What do you use to help a goose with one leg?
Propagander.
What happens when geese land on a volcano?
What birds are found in Portugal?
Portu-geese.
What do you call a sick bird of prey?
An illegal.
Two robins are sitting in a tree.
“I’m really hungry,” says the first one.
“Me, too,” says the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”
They fly to the ground and find a nice plot of ploughed land full of worms. They eat and eat until they can eat no more.
“I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,” says the first robin.
“Me neither. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun,” says the second.
So they flop down, basking in the sun. No sooner have they fallen asleep than a big fat tabby cat sneaks up behind them and gobbles them up.
As the cat sits washing his face after his meal, he smiles, “I love baskin’ robins!”
What birds are always unhappy?
Bluebirds.
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down.
Did you hear the story about the peacock?
No, but I heard it’s a beautiful tale.
What’s noisier than a whooping crane?
A trumpeting swan.What bird is with you at every meal?
A swallow.
Why are birds grouchy in the morning?
Because their bills are over dew.
What’s a bird’s favourite TV show?
The feather forecast.
What did they call the canary that flew into a pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie.
A petrol attendant is filling a man’s car when he notices that a small penguin is sitting in the back seat. The attendant turns to the man and asks what the deal is with the penguin.
“Well,” the man says, “I found the little guy a few weeks ago wandering around looking sad. I’ve been going crazy thinking of things I can do for him.”
“There’s a zoo just down the road,” replies the attendant. “Why don’t you take him there?”
The man thanks the attendant, pays and drives off to the zoo.
A few days later the man pulls up to the petrol station and again is met by the attendant who notices that the penguin is still in the back of the car.
“I thought you were taking him to the zoo,” says the attendant.
“I did,” answers the man. “He loved it, so I’m taking him to the beach today.”
What’s an owl’s favourite subject at school?
Owlgebra.
The rarest bird in the world was called, naturally enough, the Raree Bird. After being hunted to virtual extinction in the nineteenth century, there was just one Raree Bird left on the planet by 1910 and a huge reward was offered for its capture – dead or alive.
That last surviving Raree Bird lived in Africa where it was relentlessly pursued by a hunter eager to claim the reward. After months of tracking the Raree Bird across barren plains and through dense jungle, the hunter finally cornered it in a lone tree. He raised his rifle and took aim but just as he pulled the trigger a fly flew into his face, causing him to miss his target. Nevertheless the shock was enough to send the Raree Bird toppling from its perch, and it fell to the ground with an injured wing.
As the hunter stood ominously above it, the wounded Raree Bird begged, “Please, Mr Hunter, don’t kill me like this. Shooting me is not very sporting. Besides, that was your last bullet. What happens if you’re attacked by a lion?”
The hunter thought he had better check whether he had any bullets left, and while he was momentarily distracted the Raree Bird took the opportunity to hobble behind a rock. But the hunter spotted a broken feather protruding from behind the rock and fetched a heavy wooden club from his bag.
“Please, Mr Hunter,” begged the Raree Bird, “don’t kill me like this. If you club me to death, nobody will be able to identify me as a Raree Bird, and you won’t be able to claim your reward.”
The hunter realized that the Raree Bird had a valid point, so he searched around for another method of killing. While his back was turned, the bird limped off, only to find its progress halted by a steep cliff with a 300- foot drop.
The hunter quickly caught up with the Raree Bird and declared, “I’m going to push you over the cliff and claim the reward. You can’t fly so you’ll be crushed on the rocks below. Is that a fitting way for the last Raree Bird to die?”
“No, Mr Hunter, please don’t,” begged the Raree Bird.
“Why, what’s wrong this time?” demanded the hunter.
The bird wiped a tear from its eye and sang, “Because it’s a long way to tip a Raree…”
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