Little Timmy is in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, “What are you up to there, Timmy?”
“My goldfish died,” replies Timmy tearfully, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbour is concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Little Timmy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What do cat actors say on stage?
Tabby or not tabby.
What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
I’m paw.
What do you call a beautiful cat?
A glamour puss.
What do cats drink from when they’re in space?
Flying saucers.
What’s furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws?
A posse cat.
A farmer had a sick cat, so he phoned the veterinarian in town to find a cure. After asking the farmer what the problem was, the vet told him to give the animal a pint of castor oil.
“A whole pint?” queried the farmer.
“That’s right,” said the vet. “That should sort him out in no time.”
The next day the vet saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along.
“You fool!” exclaimed the farmer. “It wasn’t a calf. It was a cat!”
“Oh, my goodness!” said the vet in horror. “Did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?
“Sure did,” replied the farmer. “What happened?” asked the vet. “Where’s the cat now?”
Pointing into the distance, the farmer said, “Last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder on that hill with five other cats. Two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory.”
What do you call a cat that’s eaten a lemon?
A sourpuss.
What do cats eat for supper?
Mice Krispies.
What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out at night.
What do you feed an invisible cat?
Evaporated milk.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your arm off?
A tiger moth.
Did you hear about the rebellious circus driver?
He refused to tow the lion.
A man was driving down a country lane when he accidentally ran over and killed a cat. Feeling guilty, he looked at the address on the cat’s collar and went to a nearby house to tell the animal’s owner what had happened.
A white-haired old lady answered the door.
“I’m really sorry,” said the man, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”
“Sure,” said the old lady. “What are you like at catching mice?”
What is the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A catastrophe.
Who was the most powerful cat in China?
Chairman Miaow.
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.
What do cats read in the morning?
A mewspaper.
How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
What happened to the cat who drank seven saucers of milk?
He set a new lap record.
How do cats buy things?
From a catalogue.
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.
What works in a circus, walks the tightrope and has claws?
An acrocat.
Why was the cat so small?
Because he only drank condensed milk.
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots.
If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An Acatemy Award.
How do cats end a fight?
They hiss and make up.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet.
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look?
Because once you’ve found it, you stop looking.
What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A catameringue.
Why did the cat eat cheese?
So he could sit near the mousehole with baited breath.
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
Let us prey.
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and velvet pants?
A dandylion.
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.
When the lion arrived in the jungle, why did all the other animals gather round him?
He was the mane attraction.
How did the lion fare as king of the jungle?
He was a roaring success.
Boy: Did you put the cat out?
Girl: I didn’t even know it was on fire.
An English cat, named one two three, and a French cat, called un deux trois, have a swimming race across the English Channel. Which cat wins?
The English cat, one two three, won the swimming race because un deux trois quatre cinq.
What did the lioness say to her cubs when she taught them how to hunt?
Don’t go over the road until you see the zebra crossing.
A cat named Ginger is seriously overweight, so his owner decides to take him to the vet to find out if there is anything wrong with him and whether anything can be done about it. She puts him into the kitty-carry box, and drives to the surgery. The vet prescribes a course of pills, and his owner leaves, happy in the knowledge that Ginger will soon be his old slim self again.
But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there is no change. Ginger is as fat as ever. Months go by, and still there is no difference. In fact, if anything, his weight problem is getting worse.
The other problem is the bills from the vet – these pills are costing a fortune.
It soon becomes clear to his owner that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.
Why do cats chase birds?
For a lark.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
By reaching into the cage.
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats.
What did the cat say to the fish?
I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
Both are proud of their stripes.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. “Oh Lord,” prayed the missionary, “grant in thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.”
In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too. “Oh Lord,” he prayed, “I thank thee for the food which I am about to receive.”
How do you know if your cat has a cold?
He has cat-arrh.
Where do lions get their clothes?
Jungle sales.
Where did the kittens go for a day out?
To a mewseum.
A lion was becoming rather old and was having trouble catching prey. He decided he needed a disguise so that other animals would not know he was a lion and would therefore not run away from him.
He went to a fancy dress shop and bought a gorilla costume. He then went to a nearby watering hole to see if his disguise would work. On the way, he saw three eagles sat on a rock.
One eagle said, “Hello, Mr Lion. Where did you get your gorilla suit?”
The lion was very disappointed. He asked the eagles, “How did you know I was a lion and not a gorilla?”
The eagles began to sing: “You can’t hide your lion eyes…”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he didn’t want to go to the barbecue.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
There was a car coming.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
She wanted to stretch her legs.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum it could actually be done.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Don’t ask us, ask the chicken.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the punk cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken’s back.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt and then cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser.
Why did the rooster run away?
Because he was chicken.
How did the baby chickens dance?
Chick to chick.
What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
You’re one hot chick!
How do chickens book in at the airport?
At the chick-in desk.
A rooster lived on a farm where there were a dozen hens. Naturally he had his favourites, and he was particularly fond of two hens called Tina and Marge. The three shared a lot of happy times and were almost inseparable. But then one day the rooster was loaded onto a truck ready to be taken to a new farm.
His two favourite hens were distraught. “You can’t go,” they pleaded. “How will we cope without you?”
“You’ll be okay,” he replied, trying to comfort them. “You’ll soon meet a new rooster.”
But the two hens were inconsolable and tears began to run down their faces.
As the engine started up, the rooster called out from the back of the truck, “Don’t cry for me, Marge and Tina.”
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why don’t chickens like people?
They beat eggs.
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A battery hen.
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
She was tickled to death.
Why was the chicken sick?
It had people pox.
Why doesn’t it take roosters long to pack when they go on vacation?
Because they only have to take a comb.
If a rooster lays an egg on the middle of a slanted roof, on which side will it fall?
Neither side. Roosters don’t lay eggs.
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing fifty miles per hour.
He accelerated to sixty and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to seventy-five miles per hour and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs.
So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer, “What’s up with these chickens?”
The farmer said, “Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I’m going to be a millionaire.”
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer replied, “I don’t know, I haven’t caught one yet.”
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
Eggs-plosions.
What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
Pooched eggs.
What do chicken families do at weekends?
They go on peck-nics.
There was once a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and if the chickens had no feathers, he feared they would freeze to death.
So the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First he visited Mr Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.
The farmer then went to Mr Ming, the great seer. Mr Ming cast stones, read tea leaves and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer. “As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens.”
Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn’t work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and with the onset of winter, they all froze.
The moral of this story is, all of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’s ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a sergeant major?
A pecking order.
Why does a chicken watch television?
For hentertainment.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs?
She had mislaid them.
Why did the chicken choose to play a percussion instrument?
Because she already had drumsticks.
Why is a roast chicken like a sofa?
Because they’re both full of stuffing.
What do you call a greasy chicken?
A slick chick.
Following the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, a farm boy decided to play a prank. He sneaked into the chicken coop and replaced every egg with a brightly coloured one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the coloured eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock.
Why did the umpire throw the chicken out of the baseball game?
He suspected fowl play.
What is a chicken’s least favourite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What do you call a chicken on roller skates?
Poultry in motion.
The farmer’s son was returning from market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him when all of a sudden he tripped over a rock, dropped the box and it fell open, scattering chickens everywhere. The boy spent the next hour scouring the neighbourhood, scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the crate.
Hoping that he had found nearly all of them, he reluctantly made his way home, fearing the worst from his father. “Pa,” he confessed sadly, “the chickens got loose, but I managed to find fifteen of them.”
“You did real good, son,” smiled the father. “You left with ten.”
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens?
Oh, lay!
Why can’t a chicken coop have more than two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why do roosters never get rich?
Because they work for chicken feed.
A chicken goes into a library and says to the librarian, “Bawk,” in a high-pitched chicken’s squawk. The librarian says, “Oh, you want a book?” and gives the chicken a book.
The chicken walks out the door with the book but is back in five minutes, drops the book in front of the librarian, and says, “Bawk, bawk.”
The librarian says, “Oh, you want two books?” and gives the chicken two books.
The chicken walks out the door with the two books.
Five minutes later, the chicken is back, drops the books in front of the librarian, and says, “Bawk, bawk, bawk.”
The librarian says, “Oh, you want three books now?” and gives the chicken three books.
The chicken walks out with the three books. This time the librarian follows to see where the chicken is going.
The chicken walks down to the pond below the library and drops the books, one at a time, in front of a big bull frog.
The frog looks at the books as they drop and says, in his deep bullfrog voice, “Red-it, red-it, red-it.”
