Under the guzzle-berry bush.
Monster mother: How many times have I told you not to eat with your fingers? Use the spade like everyone else.
Little monster: I’ve finished. Can I leave the table?
Mother monster: Yes, I’ll save it for your tea.
Why do waiters prefer monsters to flies?
Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a monster in their soup?
Mother monster: Don’t eat that uranium.
Little monster: Why not?
Mother monster: You’ll get atomic-ache.
What happened to Ray when he met the man-eating monster?
What happened when the ice monster ate a curry?
He blew his cool.
What makes an ideal present for a monster?
Five pairs of gloves – one for each hand.
Why did the monster walk over the hill?
It was too much bother to walk through it.
First monster: We had burglars last night.
Second monster: Oh, did you?
First monster: Well, it made a change from slime on toast.
What sort of soup do monsters like?
One with plenty of body in it.
Father monster: Johnny, don’t make faces at that man. I’ve told you before not to play with your food.
What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin?
I don’t know but it’s a very tight-fitting dinner suit.
What do you get if you cross a long-fanged, purple-spotted monster with a cat?
A town that is free of dogs.
Which is the most dangerous animal in the northern hemisphere?
Yak the Ripper.
How can you tell the difference between a rabbit and a red-eyed monster?
Just try getting a red-eyed monster into a rabbit hutch.
Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
What’s big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels?
A monster on roller-skates.
Why did the monster have green ears and a red nose?
So that he could hide in rhubarb patches.
Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school?
Because two heads are better than one.
What happened when a purple-headed monster took up singing?
He had a frog in his throat.
Why do monsters have lots of matted fur?
Because they’d look silly in plastic macs.
What do you get if you cross a plum with a man-eating monster?
A purple people-eater.
Cross-eyed Monster: When I grow up, I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.
What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster?
Sir.
What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time?
Pleased to eat you!
Why did the monster-breeder call his monster Fog?
Because he was grey and thick.
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
Why didn’t the monster use toothpaste?
Because he said his teeth weren’t loose.
How do you stop a monster digging up your garden?
Take his spade away.
What happened when two huge monsters ran in a race?
One ran in short bursts, the other ran in burst shorts.
What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?
The bogeyman.
What can a monster do that you can’t do?
Count up to twenty-five on his fingers.
Why did the monster cross the road?
He wanted to know what it was like to be a chicken.
How do you know if there’s a monster in your bed?
By the M on his pyjamas.
How do you get six monsters in a biscuit jar?
Take the biscuits out first.
What’s the difference between a monster and a fly?
Quite a lot really.
What happened when the dumb monster went shoplifting?
He stole a free sample.
What happened when the nasty monster stole a pig?
The pig squealed to the police.
What happened when the big, black monster became a chimney sweep?
He started a grime wave.
What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
Anything you like – he can’t hear you.
What aftershave do monsters wear?
Brute.
What happened when a monster fell in love with a grand piano.
He said, “Darling, you’ve got lovely teeth.”
How do you talk to a giant?
Use big words.
How do you know that there’s a monster in your bath?
You can’t get the shower curtain closed.
Why couldn’t Swamp Thing go to the party?
Because he was bogged down in his work.
What happened when the monster fell down a well?
He kicked the bucket.
How did the world’s tallest monster become short overnight?
Someone stole all his money.
How do you greet a three-headed monster?
Hello, hello, hello.
Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
How do you address a monster?
Very politely.
When do banshees howl?
On Moanday night.
First monster: I’ve just changed my mind.
Second monster: Does it work any better?
Mother monster: Did you catch everyone’s eyes in that dress, dear?
Girl monster: Yes, Mom, and I’ve brought them all home for Cedric to play marbles with.
Mother monster: What are you doing with that saw and where’s your little brother?
Young monster: Ha! Ha! He’s my half-brother now.
First monster: I have a hunch.
Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
First monster: I was in the zoo last week.
Second monster: Really? Which cage were you in?
First monster: What is that son of yours doing these days?,
Second monster: He’s at medical school.
First monster: Oh, what’s he studying?
Second monster: Nothing, they’re studying him.
Girl: Mom, Mom, a monster’s just bitten my foot off.
Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I’ve just washed the floor.
How did the monster cure his sore throat?
He spent all day gargoyling.
Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club?
hey sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely!
Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war?
He lost it in a hair raid.
Did you hear about the monster who had eight arms?
He said they came in handy.
Did you hear about the man who took up monster-baiting for a living?
He used to be a teacher but he lost his nerve.
How do you keep an ugly monster in suspense?
I’ll tell you tomorrow…
How do man-eating monsters count to a thousand?
On their warts.
What do you call a one-eyed monster who rides a bike?
Cycle-ops.
What game do ants play with monsters?
Squash.
What do young female monsters do at parties?
They go around looking for edible bachelors.
Monster: I’ve got to walk twenty-five miles to get home.
Ghost: Why don’t you take a train?
Monster: I did once, but my mother made me give it back.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can’t, it’s either a monster or a giant banana.
A female monster walked into the rent office with a five dollar note stuck in one ear and a ten dollar note in the other.
You see, she was fifteen dollars in arrears.
Did the bionic monster have a brother?
No, but he had lots of trans-sisters.
Did you hear about the monster burglar who fell in the cement mixer?
Now he’s a hardened criminal.
Why did the monster have to buy two tickets for the zoo?
One to get in and one to get out.
What did the monster say when he saw Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?
Yum, yum!
What kind of monster has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Why did the cyclops apply for half a television licence?
Because he only had one eye.
Did you hear about the stupid monster who hurt himself while he was raking up leaves?
Monster: I’m so ugly. Ghost: It’s not that bad! Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
What did they say about the aristocratic monster?
That he was born with a silver shovel in his mouth.
Why did the monster drink ten litres of antifreeze?
So that he didn’t have to buy a winter coat.
What’s the best way of stopping a monster sliding through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in his neck.
A little monster was learning to play the violin. “I’m good, aren’t I?” he asked his big brother.
“You should be on the radio,” said the brother.
“You think I’m that good?”
“No, I think you’re terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off.”
What is the difference between a huge smelly monster and a sweet?
People like sweets.
Why did it take the monster nine months to finish a book?
He wasn’t very hungry.
What is big, red and prickly, has three eyes and eats rocks?
A big, red, prickly, three-eyed rock eater.
First monster: Every time we meet, you remind me of a famous film star. Second monster: Really, which one? Meryl Streep? Meg Ryan? Raquel Welch? First Monster: No, E.T.
Why are monsters green?
Because they didn’t take their travel sickness pills.
Why do monsters wear glasses?
So they don’t bump into other monsters.
What is twenty metres long, ugly, and sings “Scotland the Brave”?
The Loch Ness songster.
What do you get if you cross a Scottish sea creature and a skunk?
The Loch Ness pongster.
What followed the Loch Ness monster?
A whopping big tail.
What did the Loch Ness monster say to his friend?
Long time no sea.
What do you call a Scottish sea monster who hangs people?
The Loch Noose monster.
What do you get if you cross a fashion designer with a sea monster?
The Loch Dress monster.
What is large, yellow, lives in Scotland and has never been seen?
The Loch Ness canary.
Which is the unluckiest monster in the world?
The Luck Less monster.
Boy: Mom, why can’t I swim in Loch Ness?
Mother: Because there are monsters in it.
Boy: But dad’s swimming there.
Mother: That’s different. He’s insured.
What do you get if you cross the Loch Ness monster with a shark?
Loch jaws.
