Never Make a Girl Monster Angry by Sheila Tack
The Bad-Tempered Werewolf by Claudia Armoff
The Greediest Monster in the World by Buster Butt
The Monster Hanging off the Cliff by Alf Hall
Tracking Monsters by Woody Hurt
The Vampire’s Victim by E. Drew Blood
The Omen by B. Warned
Foaming at the Mouth by Dee Monic
Creature From Mars by A. Lee-En
Frankenstein’s Experiments by Tess Tube
The Story of Dracula by Pierce Nex
A History of Poltergeists by Eve L. Spirit
In the Monster’s Jaws by Mandy Ceased
Late-night Horror Story by Denise R. Knockin
Ghosts and Ghoulies by Sue Pernatural
When to go Monster Hunting by Mae B. Tomorrow
Bungee Jumping with Monsters by Wade R. Go
A Very Hungry Giant by Ethan D. Lot
I Caught the Loch Ness Monster by Janet A. Bigwun
What did the monster say when he ate Aesop?
Make a fable out of that then!
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770–1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards. Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men go to visit a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order from that in which they were composed, the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.
By the next day word has spread and a throng has gathered around Beethoven’s grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing.”
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
What’s the difference between an accordion and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an accordion.
A violinist was auditioning in 2010 for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. “What do you think about Brahms?” the conductor asked.
“Great guy!” enthused the violinist. “Real talented musician. As a matter of fact, he and I were playing some duets together only last week.”
“And what about Mozart?” said the conductor.
“One of my favourites,” gushed the violinist. “He and I had dinner together last month. Terrific company.”
Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the two o’clock train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing the violinist with the members of the orchestra board. The conductor confessed, “I feel very uneasy about hiring this violinist because there appears to me to be a serious credibility gap. I know for a fact that there is no two o’clock train to London.”
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
What’s the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
You tie a rope to the anchor before you throw it overboard.
What’s the best way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a South American macaw?
One is offensive and noisy, and the other is a bird.
How do you annoy Lady Gaga?
Poker face.
What happened when Fred Astaire went out to dinner?
He got pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails.
Bono and The Edge were trying to think of a name for their rock band.
The Edge said, “I like the sound of The Hype. I think it’s got something to it. That’s what we should call ourselves.”
“No way,” said Bono. “It’s a terrible name.”
Just then Adam Clayton walked into the room and said, “I think we should call ourselves The Hype.”
“Not you too!” groaned Bono.
And Larry Mullen Jr exclaimed, “That’s it!”
How do you make a bandstand?
Take their chairs away.
What do you get from a poorly piano?
A sick note.
What is the name of Britney Spears’ tasty brother?
Broccoli Spears.
What did the overweight ballet dancer perform?
The Dance of the Sugar Plump Fairy.
At the floral disco, what did the girl roses say about the boy rose?
Look at the hips on that!
A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks, “Wow, this is cool.”
He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to bed, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can’t sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, “What’s with these drums. Don’t they ever stop? I can’t get any sleep.”
The manager says, “No! Drums must never stop. It’s very bad if drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When drums stop…bass solo begins.”
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A bassoon burns for longer.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach”.
What did the boy say when it was time for his violin lesson?
Oh, fiddle!
What type of guitar did the pool player own?
A-cue-stick.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Stevie Wonder was playing his firstever concert in Beijing and twenty minutes into the show, in a bid to strike up a rapport with his audience, he asked if anyone had any requests. At this, an old Chinese man in the front row shouted out, “Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”
Stevie was impressed that the old man knew about the jazz influences in his career, and so he responded by playing an E minor scale before embarking on a complicated jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.
When he finished, the rest of the audience applauded wildly, but the old man in the front row shouted out again, “No, no, play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”
Irritated that this one person was calling his jazz credentials into question, Stevie immediately launched into a brilliant jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord. Ten minutes later, he received a standing ovation – except from the old man in the front row who again shouted out, “No, no. Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”
This was too much for Stevie to take. So he called out to the old man in the front row, “Okay then, if you think you can do better, come up here and show everyone.”
The old man climbed slowly up on to the stage, tottered over to the microphone and started to sing, “A jazz chord to say I love you…”
What type of music are balloons scared of?
Pop music.
What makes music on your head?
A head band.
What do you get when you put an ice bucket on the CD player?
The coolest music around.
What part of the turkey is musical?
The drumstick.
What do you get if you cross a koala and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why did the girl sit on the ladder to sing?
She wanted to reach the high notes.
There’s a five-dollar note on the floor. Out of a thrash metal guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?
The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn’t exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn’t care about notes anyway.
What kind of phone can make music?
A saxophone.
Why did the music teacher get locked out of the classroom?
The keys were in the piano.
What happened to the classical string quartet who couldn’t sell tickets to their concerts?
They went baroque.
How do you clean a tuba?
With a tuba toothpaste.
What kind of paper likes music?
Rapping paper.
What is the most dangerous kind of dancer?
A breakdancer.
What did Cher call the act when she appeared on stage with a Cher impersonator?
Cher and Cher Alike.
What is a rock’s favourite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Did you hear about the pianist who kept banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Why was the man in no fit state to play his stringed instrument?
He was harpist.
What’s the difference between a guitarist and a savings bond?
Eventually the savings bond will mature and earn money.
How do you get four cellos in tune?
Shoot three of them.
Why were the string section of the orchestra dissatisfied with their overnight accommodation?
Because they were staying at a vile inn.
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks, “What’s wrong?”
The violist answers, “The second oboe player loosened one of my tuning pegs.”
The conductor replied, “I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?”
To which the violist replied, “He won’t tell me which one!”
A man went into a music store and said, “I want to buy a violin.”
The proprietor asked, “Do you want a bow?”
The man said, “No, don’t bother wrapping it.”
Why are an organist’s fingers like lightning?
Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
What do you call a rock band made up of animal doctors?
Vet, Vet, Vet.
Two musicians are walking down the street. One says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?”
The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”
Why did the tenor break into song?
Because he couldn’t find the key.
Why did the soprano go on a cruise?
So she could hit the high Cs.
Why is a slippery pavement like music?
If you don’t C sharp, you’ll B flat.
An orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which there was a particularly difficult jazz trumpet riff. However, none of the trumpet players could play it. One trumpet player suggests they hire in a jazz trumpeter.
The conductor says, “No, no, no. Jazz musicians are irresponsible, can’t play in tune, and are not real musicians!”
Finally, they talk him into it. The next night at 7:57 the jazz musician shows up for the 8:00 rehearsal, carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The conductor decides to wait until after to yell at him. But he plays the riff perfectly the first time. The conductor tries to thank him after rehearsal, but the jazz trumpeter is gone.
The next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the same way, with the trumpeter actually playing the entire first trumpet part perfectly.
Finally, the conductor grabs him after rehearsal and says, “You know, at first I didn’t want to hire you because I thought jazz musicians were irresponsible and couldn’t play in tune, but I must say you have changed my mind. Thank you.”
The jazz trumpeter replies, “Well, I figure it’s the least I could do since I can’t make the gig.”
Why doesn’t a guitar work?
Because it only knows how to play.
Why was the guitar player nervous?
He was always fretting about something.
What do a cello and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
How can you tell which child in a playground is the son of a trombonist?
He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.
Two girls are walking along the street when they hear a voice say, “Hey! Down here!” They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says to them, “Hey, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!”
The two girls look at each other, and one of them reaches down, grabs the frog and stuffs it in her pocket.
The other girl says, “What did you do that for? Why didn’t you kiss him?”
The first replies, “I’m not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!”
What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job and your wife back.
Did you hear about the man who was crushed to death by a piano?
His funeral was very low key.
What do you call a bunch of guys who break into a music store and help themselves to some of the stringed instruments?
Luters.
A cowboy and a biker are on Death Row and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought out together. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, “I sure do, warden. I’d be mighty grateful if you’d play Achy Breaky Heart for me before I go.”
“Sure enough, we can do that,” says the warden. He turns to the biker, “And you, what’s your last request?”
The biker replies, “That you kill me first.”
What’s musical and useful in a supermarket?
A Chopin Liszt.
Did you hear about the idiot who found a feather in his bed?
He thought he had chicken pox.
Did you hear about the man who heard a mouse squeaking one night?
He got up to oil it.
Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He kept popping out of bed all night.
Did you hear about the New Yorker who slept under an old tractor?
He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
Did you hear about the parents who called their baby daughter Caffeine?
She kept them awake all night.
How can you shorten a bed?
Don’t sleep long on it.
What noise wakes you up in the morning?
The crack of dawn.
How do you know when someone is sleeping like a log?
When you hear them sawing.
A man says to his friend, “I want a divorce.”
“Why?” his friend asks.
“My wife smokes in bed.”
“It’s not that bad, is it?”
“Yes it is. She smokes kippers.”
A man walks into a bed shop and says to the sales assistant, “I’d like to buy a new bed, please.”
“Certainly, sir. Would you like a spring mattress?”
“Oh, no. I’d like to use it all the year round.”
A man complains to his friend, “My bed’s too short and every night my feet freeze because they stick out from under the covers.”
“Why don’t you curl up so you can put your feet under the covers?”
“What? I’m not putting those cold things in bed with me!”
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
I can’t. It hasn’t been made up yet.
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight-gown.
What does one good turn do for you?
Gives you all the blankets.
What happened when a boy dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
When he woke up, his pillow had gone.
What has four legs, but only one foot?
A bed.
What horse sleeps only at night?
A nightmare.
What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?
Cot-on wool.
What overpowers you without hurting you?
Sleep.
What question can never be answered with “yes”?
Are you asleep?
What should you do if you find an elephant asleep in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
Why did the man run around his bed?
To catch up on his sleep.
What side of the bed do you sleep on?
The top side.
What’s huge and grey and sends people to sleep?
A hypno-potamus.
What’s the best advice to give a worm?
Sleep late.
What’s the difference between a feather bed and a poor man?
One is soft down, the other is hard up.
What’s the laziest letter of the alphabet?
E – because it’s always in bed.
What purrs along the road and leaves holes in your lawn?
A Moles Royce.
When is it proper to go to bed with your shoes on?
When you’re a horse.
A manager says to his employee, “Why are you late for work?”
The employee says, “There are eight of us in the family, but the alarm clock was set for seven.”
Why did the idiot put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
Why did the idiot take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn’t want to walk in his sleep.
Why did the idiot throw away his alarm clock?
It kept going off when he was asleep.
Why did the bed spread?
Because it saw the pillow slip.
Why did the composer work in bed?
He wrote sheet music.
Why did the gangster cut the legs off his bed?
He wanted to lie low for a while.
Why did the idiot take a tape measure to bed with him?
To see how long he slept.
Why did the girl put sugar under her pillow?
She wanted sweet dreams.
Why isn’t it safe to sleep on trains?
Because they run over sleepers.
Why did the jockey take hay to bed?
To feed his nightmares.
Why did the man climb on to the chandelier to go to sleep?
Because he was a light sleeper.
Why do people go to bed?
Because the bed won’t go to them.
A boy asked his vain and stupid girlfriend, “Why do you comb your hair before going to bed?”
She replied, “To make a good impression on the pillow.”
Why is a river lazy?
It never leaves its bed.
Why is breakfast in bed so easy?
It’s just a few rolls and a turnover.
Why is the ocean always restless?
It has so many rocks in its bed.
Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night?
Last winter she was knocked down by a snow plough.
Did you hear about the idiot who sat up all night wondering where the sun had gone?
The next morning it dawned on him.
Did you hear about the man who drove his car into the lake one night?
He was trying to dip his headlights.
Did you hear about the night-owl who installed a skylight so he could watch the stars?
The people in the apartment above were furious…
Did you hear about the wolves’ all-night party?
It was a howling success.
How can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?
Sleep at night.
How did Noah see in the dark?
By ark-lights and flood-lights!
How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?
He used a skeleton key.
How did the glow-worm feel when it backed into a tree?
De-lighted.
If we breathe oxygen in the daytime, what do we breathe at night?
Nitrogen.
A man says to his friend, “I’ve been on my computer all night!”
His friend replies, “Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?”
Two stupid drunks were staggering home one night. One looked up at the sky and said, “Is that the sun or the moon?”
“I don’t know,” said the other.
“I don’t live round here either.”
What night-loving animal has wooden legs?
A timber wolf.
What dance can you see in the night sky?
The moon walk.
What did Mrs Wolf say to Mr Wolf?
The baby’s howling again.
What did one bat say to another?
Let’s hang around.
What did one glow-worm say to the other when his light went out?
Give me a push, my battery is dead.
What did one shooting star say to the other?
Pleased to meteor.
What did one shooting star say to the other?
Do you comet here often?
What did the big star say to the little star?
You’re too young to go out at night.
What do bats do at night?
Aerobatics.
What do you call a clever glow-worm?
A bright spark.
What do you call the longest night of the year?
A fortnight!
What do you get if you cross a glow-worm with a python?
A very long strip-light that can squeeze you to death.
What do you get if you cross a wolf with a cockerel?
An animal that howls when the sun rises.
What game do cats play at night?
Trivial Purr-suit.
What is an astronomer?
A night watchman with a college education.
Which is farther away, Australia or the moon?
Australia, because you can see the moon at night.
What is there more of the less you see?
Darkness.
What kind of car do wolves drive?
A Wolfswagen.
What makes a glow-worm glow?
It eats light meals.
What time is it when a knight looks at his belly button?
It is the middle of the night.
What was the most dangerous time for knights?
Nightfall.
What’s big and bright and silly?
A fool moon.
When does a bed grow longer?
At night, because two feet are added to it.
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes, sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No, sir,” the boy replied. “I’m not scared in the daytime.”
Where are starfish found?
In a planet-arium.
Where was the cat when the lights went out?
In the dark.
Which stars go to jail?
Shooting stars.
A man went to see his doctor.
“Doctor, you’ve got to help me,” he said. “I keep having this same dream night after night.
There’s this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I just can’t get it open.”
“I see,” said the doctor. “What does the sign on the door say?”
“Pull.”
Who’s tall and dark and goes to discos all night long?
Darth Raver.
Why are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night.
Why are wolves like cards?
They come in packs.
Miguel Rodriguez suffered from such bad insomnia that he rarely slept for more than two hours a night. He had consulted numerous physicians in his native Mexico but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives were unable to give him a good night’s sleep.
Then one day he met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita by the name of Esta Gomez and his sleeping problems were cured overnight. Now whenever he needs to sleep he just looks at her picture, reminding him of what his parents always told him as a child: when you see Esta, you sleep.
Why can’t it rain for two nights in a row?
Because there is a day between.
Why does Father Time wear bandages?
Because day breaks and night falls.
Why is a cat longer at night than in the morning?
Because it’s let out at night and taken in again in the morning.
Why was night baseball started?
Because bats like to sleep in the daytime.
Why was the glow-worm sad?
Because it didn’t know if it was coming or glowing.
