wizened old butler invited him to stay the night, and showed him to his room. It was dark and dirty, and the man was scared.
“I hope you’ll be comfortable,” said the butler. “But if you need anything during the night, just scream.”
This little monster boy came home from school one day, crying his eyes out.
“What’s the matter, darling?” asked his mother.
“It’s all the other monsters at school,” he sobbed. “They keep teasing me and saying that I’ve got a big head.”
“Of course you haven’t got a big head,” said Mrs Monster. “Just ignore them. Now, will you do a little bit of shopping for me? I need a sack of potatoes, ten cartons of orange juice, a dozen loaves of bread, eight cabbages and a cauliflower.”
“All right, Mom,” said the little monster. “But where’s your shopping bag?”
“Oh, that’s broken, I’m afraid,” said Mrs Monster. “But it doesn’t matter – just put the things in your cap.”
A man went into a bar with a big, vicious looking monster on a lead.
“Sorry, sir,” said the barman. “But that creature looks dangerous. You’ll have to tie him up outside.”
So the man took the monster outside, and came back and ordered a drink. He was just finishing it when a lady came into the bar and said, “Whose monster is that outside?”
“Mine,” said the man, beaming with pride.
“Well, I’m sorry,” the lady said. “But my dog’s just killed him.”
“Killed him! What kind of dog do you have?”
“A miniature poodle,” said the lady.
“But how could a miniature poodle kill my great big monster?”
“She got stuck in his throat and choked him.”
Three monsters called Manners, Mind-Your-Own-Business and Trouble were on a day’s outing from the circus, when all of a sudden Trouble went missing. Being good friends of his, Manners and Mind-Your-Own-Business decided to report Trouble missing.
When they got to the police station, Manners got frightened and decided to stay outside. Mind-Your-Own-Business went in to report the loss. The desk sergeant asked him his name, to which the monster replied, “Mind-Your-Own-Business.”
The desk sergeant crossly said, “Where’s your manners?”
Mind-Your-Own-Business replied, “Outside.”
On hearing such rudeness, the desk sergeant demanded, “Are you looking for trouble?”
Mind-Your-Own-Business quickly replied, “Yes!”
A monster walked into a hamburger restaurant and ordered a cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate milkshake. When he finished his meal he left ten dollars to pay the bill.
The waiter, thinking that the monster probably wasn’t very good at adding up, gave him only fifty cents change. At that moment another customer came in.
“Gosh, I’ve never seen a monster in here before!” he said.
“And you won’t be seeing me again,” said the monster furiously. “Not at those prices.”
Dr Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck.
Frankenstein said, “Monster, monster, what are you doing here?”
The monster said, “Well boss, they hanged me this morning, so now I’ve come to meet my maker.”
Monster: Doctor, doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Doctor: Stick out your foot and trip it up.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me – I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.
Doctor: How very interesting! Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
Why did the monster go into hospital?
To have his ghoul-stones removed.
Monster: Doctor, doctor, I need to lose thirty pounds of excess flab.
Doctor: All right, I’ll cut your head off.
Monster: Doctor, doctor, what did the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing.
Monster: Doctor, doctor, how long can someone live without a brain?
Doctor: That depends. How old are you?
Monster: Doctor, doctor, I’m a bloodsucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors.
Doctor: Oh, what a shame. I’m a dentist.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddlywinks under my bed. What shall I do?
Doctor: Hide the tiddlywinks.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m the Abominable Snowman.
Doctor: Keep cool.
Doctor: Did the mud pack help your appearance?
Monster: Yes, but it fell off after a few days.
Monster: Where do fleas go in winter?
Werewolf: Search me!
Patient: Can a person be in love with a monster?
Doctor: No.
Patient: Oh. Do you know anyone who wants to buy an extremely large engagement ring then?
What do monsters use to write with?
What do you do with a blue monster?
Try and cheer him up.
What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until it ripens!
Why are monsters’ fingers never more than eleven inches long?
Because if they were twelve inches they’d be a foot.
What is the best thing to do if a monster breaks down your front door?
Run out of the back door.
Did you hear about Romeo Monster meeting Juliet Monster?
It was love at first fright.
Why are monsters so forgetful?
Because everything you tell them goes in one ear and out of the others.
The police are looking for a monster with one eye called Cyclops.
What’s his other eye called?
What is the best way to speak to a monster?
From a long way away.
Where do space monsters live?
In a far distant terror-tory.
What trees do monsters like best?
Ceme-trees.
Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn’t pretty and wasn’t ugly?
She was pretty ugly.
Which monster made friends with three bears?
Ghouldilocks.
What jewels do monsters wear?
Tomb stones.
How can you tell a monster from an elephant?
A monster never remembers.
What’s the difference between a monster and a mouse?
A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
Did you hear about the monster who went on a crash diet?
He wrecked three cars and a bus.
Did you hear about the monster who ate a sofa and two chairs?
He had a suite tooth.
What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen?
The Ink-credible Hulk.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you get if you cross a monster’s brain with an elastic band?
A real stretch of the imagination.
First monster: That girl overthere just rolled her eyes at me.
What’s big and ugly and goes up and down?
A monster in an elevator.
What’s big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass?
A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
What’s big and ugly and takes aspirins?
A monster with a headache.
Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
To see if blondes have more fun.
What’s big and ugly and wears sunglasses?
A monster on holiday.
What’s big and ugly and found at twenty fathoms?
A monster with an aqualung.
What’s big and ugly with red spots?
A monster with measles.
What’s big and ugly and has eight wheels?
A monster on roller skates.
Mrs Monster: Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?
Mr Monster: Darling, of course I do.
What’s the quickest way to escape from a monster?
Run!
What is a monster who is married with seven children called?
Daddy.
When is a bogey-man most likely to enter your bedroom?
When the door is open.
Boy monster: What would you like for your birthday, sis?
Girl monster: I’d love a frock to match the colour of my eyes.
Boy monster: All right, but where am I going to get a bloodshot dress?
“Here’s a good book,” said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. “It’s called How to Help Your Husband Get Ahead.”
“No, thank you,” said Mrs Monster. “My husband’s got two heads already.”
A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor’s shop.
“I’d like to see a suit that will fit me,” he told the tailor.
“So would I, sir!” said the tailor.
If storks bring human babies, what bring monster babies?
Cranes.
Did you hear about the two-headed monster at the freak show who went on strike for more money?
He claimed he had an extra mouth to feed.
“Dad, Dad, come quickly! Mother’s fighting a horrible twelve-foot monster with two heads and three arms!”
“Don’t worry about it, son. I’m sure the monster can look after itself.”
What do sea monsters have for dinner?
Fish and ships.
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailor’s shop.
“Quick!” shouted the tailor to his assistant. “Hide the ‘Free Alterations’ sign!”
What is big and hairy and hangs on the line?
A drip-dry monster.
What’s big and hairy and goes beep beep?
A monster in a traffic jam.
How do monsters like their shepherd’s pie?
Made with real shepherds.
What is a monster’s favourite society?
The Consumers’ Association.
How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye?
When it comes out in conversation.
Do you know the story about the body-snatchers?
Well, I won’t tell you. You might get carried away.
Monster woman: I have the face of a sixteen-year-old girl.
Monster boy: Well you’d better give it back then. You’re getting it all wrinkled.
First human boy: I can lift a monster with one hand.
Second human boy: I bet you can’t!
First human boy: Find me a monster with one hand and I’ll prove it.
What do you get if you cross a bird with a monstrous snarl?
A budgerigrrrrr!
First monster: My sister must be twenty. I counted the rings under her eyes.
Second monster: That’s nothing. My sister’s tongue is so long, she can lick an envelope after she’s posted it.
How did the midget monster get into the police force?
He lied about his height.
Igor: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night.
Frankenstein: Yes, I know. Ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks he can sing.
Monster teacher: If I had two people beside me, and you had two people beside you, what would we have?
Monster pupil: Lunch!
How do monsters tell the future?
With horrorscopes.
Teacher: What would you do if you saw a big monster?
Pupil: Hope it didn’t see me!
Girl: What shall I do? My teacher says I’ve got to write an essay on a monster.
Boy: Well first, you’re going to need a very big ladder…
Monster: Did you ever see anyone like me before?
Human girl: Yes, once. But I had to pay admission.
What is a monster called after it is one year old?
A two-year-old monster.
How can you get your teeth pulled out for free?
Smack a monster.
What do you get if you cross a monster with a boy scout?
A monster that scares old ladies across the street.
What is the best way to see a monster?
On television.
First monster: I’m going to a party tonight.
Second monster: Oh, are you?
First monster: Yes, I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.
How do you raise a baby monster that has been abandoned by its parents?
With a forklift truck.
What’s the difference between a biscuit and a monster?
Have you ever tried dunking a monster?
Can a monster jump higher than a lamp post?
Yes – lamp posts can’t jump.
Boy 1: I’m going to keep this monster under my bed.
Boy 2: But what about the smell?
Boy 1: He’ll just have to get used to it.
What do you do if a monster feels sick?
Stand well back!
Why does a barber never shave a monster with a forked tongue?
Because it’s easier with a razor.
What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.
Did you hear about the monster that has pedestrian eyes?
They look both ways before they cross.
Mr Monster: Hurry up with my supper! I’m hungry!
Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet. I’ve only got three pairs of hands.
What do you get if you cross a biscuit with a monster?
Crumbs.
What do you get if you cross a monster with a pig?
Large pork chops.
What do you get if you cross a monster with peanut butter?
A monster that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What’s green and wrinkled?
The Incredible Hulk’s granny.
What’s green, seven feet tall and mopes in the corner?
The Incredible Sulk.
What is big, slimy, ugly and very blue?
A monster holding its breath.
What do you get if you cross a monster with a pigeon?
Lots of very worried pedestrians.
What do you get if you cross a monster with a skunk?
A big, ugly smell!
If you saw nine monsters outside the pharmacist’s with blue socks and one monster outside Wal-Mart with red socks, what would that prove?
That nine out of ten monsters wear blue socks.
Slimy monster: What would I have to give you to get a little kiss?
Beautiful girl: Chloroform.
Two monsters are preparing for a visit from relatives. Mrs Monster says to her husband, “Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.”
Boy to woman monster: Is that your real face or are you wearing a gas-mask? Woman monster: I didn’t come here to be insulted. Boy: Oh, where do you usually go?
What’s big and ugly and red all over?
An embarrassed monster.
Brother monster: Don’t look out of the window, you’ll confuse people. Sister monster: What do you mean?
Brother monster: They’ll think Hallowe’en is early this year.
Girl monster: You remind me of my favourite boxer.
Boy monster: Mike Tyson?
Girl monster: No, his name is Fido.
Girl monster: Do you think I should let my hair grow?
Boy monster: Yes right over your face.
Boy monster: You remind me of the ocean.
Girl monster: Oh, romantic, wild, untamed and restless?
Boy monster: No, you make me sick.
Female monster: I wish I had a pound for every boy that has asked me to marry him.
Male monster: Would that be enough for you to buy a bag of crisps?
First monster: I throw myself into everything I do.
Second monster: Then why don’t you go and dig yourself a nice big hole?
First monster: I think my brother was born upside down.
Second monster: Oh, why is that?
First monster: His nose runs, and his feet smell.
What happened to the monster who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back.
How do you make a monster fly?
Start with a ten-foot zip.
What do you get if you cross a monster with a watchdog?
Very nervous postmen!
What time is it when a monster puts his left foot on your right foot?
Time to call an ambulance.
What happens when monsters hold beauty contests?
Nobody wins.
What does a monster do when he loses a hand?
He goes to a second-hand shop.
What do you get if you cross a Scottish monster with a hamburger?
A Big Mac.
What kind of horse would a headless horseman ride?
A nightmare.
Johnny: Dad, what has a purple body with yellow spots, eight hairy legs and big slimy eyes on stalks?
Dad: I don’t know. Why? Johnny: Because one’s just crawled up your trouser leg.
What weighed twenty stone and terrorized Paris?
The Fat-Tum of the Opera.
What’s blue and hairy and goes round and round?
A monster on a turntable.
How do you make a monster float?
Take two scoops of ice-cream, a glass of Coke and add one monster…
On which day do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
Why did the monster eat candles?
For light refreshment.
First monster: I had a nice man to dinner last night.
Second monster: So you enjoyed having him?
First monster: Oh yes. He was delicious.
What’s a monster’s favourite soup?
Scream of tomato.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terror fried.
Monster wife: I don’t know what to make of my husband.
Friend: How about a hotpot?
What is a monster’s favourite drink?
Demonade.
Which monster eats the fastest?
The goblin.
Why do some monsters eat raw meat?
Because they don’t know how to cook.
What does a monster mother say to her kids at dinnertime?
Don’t talk with someone in your mouth.
What did the monster want to eat in the restaurant?
The finger bowl.
What did the monster eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist.
What do nasty monsters give each other for breakfast?
Smacks in the mouth.
What’s the hardest part of making monster soup?
Stirring it.
What did the monster say when he ate a herd of gnus?
And that’s the end of the gnus.
Monster: How much do you charge for dinner here?
Waiter: Twenty dollars a head, sir.
Monster: And how much for a couple of legs as well?
First monster: Am I late for dinner?
Second monster: Yes, everyone’s been eaten.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush-hour train full of passengers?
Oh good! A chew-chew train!
What do monsters like eating most in restaurants?
The waiters!
Where do greedy monsters feed their babies?
