A giant panda walked into a bar. The bartender took one look at him and said: “I’m sorry I don’t want you in here. You’ll cause trouble.”
“I’m just here for a quiet drink,” protested the panda. “What do you mean I’ll cause trouble?”
“You’re always getting into fights,” said the bartender.
“No, I’m not,” answered the panda. “What makes you think that?”
“Well, look at the state of you,” said the bartender. “Somebody’s already given you two black eyes.”
A giant panda escapes from the zoo in New York. Eventually, he makes his way downtown and walks into a restaurant, where he finds a seat at an empty table. The waiter, being a native New Yorker, figures he’s seen stranger things than this, so he takes the panda’s order. In due course the panda’s meal arrives and he eats.
After he finishes his dinner he stands up, calmly pulls out a gun and blows away several customers. Then he turns around and walks toward the door.
Naturally, the waiter is horrified. He stops the panda and demands an explanation.
The panda says to him, “What do I look like to you?”
The waiter answers, “Well, a giant panda, of course.”
“That’s right,” says the panda. “Look it up,” and he walks out.
The waiter calls the police. When they arrive, he relates the whole story to them, including the panda’s comment about looking it up. So the chief detective sends a rookie to get an encyclopedia.
He eventually returns so the detective looks up “panda”, and there’s the answer: “Giant panda, lives in China, eats shoots and leaves.”
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Why was the cub so spoiled?
Because his mother panda’d to his every need.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look silly wearing denim jackets.
What do pandas cause when they become agitated?
Panda-monium.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
What is a polygon?
A dead parrot.
Which side of a parrot has the prettiest feathers?
The outside.
What is a plastic parrot made of?
Polystyrene.
Why did the caged bird join the Air Force?
He wanted to be a parrot trooper.
An elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against a puppy or kitten and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, “My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.”
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. “Did you say that?” she asks.
“Why, yes, I did!” he replies. “And may I add that dress is a very nice colour for you.”
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be not only to have a talking parrot, but one that gives such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, “You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I’ll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?”
The parrot says, “Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on Main Street.”
So they arrive home and the lady goes upstairs to her apartment to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When they go in, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even biting her.
Well, the lady is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.
She says, “Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!”
The parrot says, “Okay, okay, I promise it won’t happen again. I am deeply sorry.”
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bites her once on the arm and once on the finger.
The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and hurls him into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.
When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. “I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!” As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, “I do have one question, though. That turkey in there, what on earth did he do?”
Mrs Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher had stopped working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment and, since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler. His name is Killer but he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, just shut up!”
To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!”
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?
Polyunsaturated.
A magician on a cruise ship specialized in sleight of hand tricks, but night after night his act was ruined by the ship’s parrot shouting, “It’s up his sleeve!” or “It’s in his pocket!”
The magician got so fed up with this that he threatened to kill the parrot if it interrupted his act again. But that evening right at the finish of his act, just as the magician was about to disappear in a spectacular puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in a matter of seconds.
The magician and the parrot were the only survivors of the shipwreck. Lying dazed on a piece of driftwood that was floating on the sea, the magician eventually opened his eyes and saw the parrot staring at him.
“Okay,” said the parrot. “I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
Where does a parrot go to improve its education?
A polytechnic.
What material was the parrot’s coat made of?
Polyester.
A lady was expecting the plumber, who was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went, no plumber. Eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock and still no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door and the lady’s parrot, who was in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”
He replied, “It’s the plumber.”
He thought it was the lady who had answered and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”
He said, “It’s the plumber!”
He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”
He was growing increasingly annoyed and shouted, “It’s the plumber!”
Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, “Who is it?”
The plumber flew into a rage and pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What do you call a box of parrot food?
Polly filla.
Where do parrots make films?
Pollywood.
A preacher is buying a parrot.
“Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.
“Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him. “Do you see those strings on his legs?
When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord’s Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”
“Wonderful!” says the preacher. “But what happens if you pull both strings?”
“I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.
A man bought a parrot from a pet shop but was disappointed when it showed no inclination to talk. So he went back to the pet shop and told the shop owner, “I’ve had this parrot for three months but he hasn’t said a word. What should I do?”
“Try getting him a mirror,” suggested the shop owner. “They love to look at their own reflections. You wait – soon he won’t stop talking.”
So the man bought a mirror, but still the parrot refused to talk. Two weeks later, the man returned to the pet shop.
“Try buying him a ladder,” advised the pet shop owner. “Parrots love to climb. You wait – you won’t be able to shut him up once he’s got a ladder.”
So the man bought a ladder, but the parrot remained silent. Two weeks later, the man was back at the pet shop.
“Try getting him a bell,” said the pet shop owner. “That will definitely work. You wait – music will bring out the talker in him.”
So the man bought a bell. Two weeks later, he returned to the pet shop.
“At last my parrot said something!” he exclaimed. “He looked in his mirror, climbed up his ladder, rang his bell, said a few words, then dropped dead off his perch.”
“Oh, no!” said the pet shop owner. “What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Doesn’t that shop sell bird seed?’”
On reaching his airplane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee at which point the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky, you fool!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and screeches, “And get me another whisky, you idiot.” Quite upset, the girl comes back with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. He says to the stewardess, “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you.”
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been pulled out of their seats and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. As they plunge to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in Morse code.
What flies through the jungle singing light opera?
The parrots of Penzance.
A burglar has just crept into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for swag to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
The voice repeats, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”
“So what,” says the burglar. “You’re only a parrot!”
To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a Rottweiler!”
What do you call a pigeon with a machine gun?
A military coo.
What do you get if you cross a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
A bird that knocks before delivering a message.
Worried about having to fly a long distance, a baby pigeon said to his mother, “I can’t do it. I’ll get tired.”
“Don’t worry,” said the mother pigeon. “I’ll tie one end of a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.”
The baby pigeon immediately started to cry.
“What’s wrong?” asked the mother pigeon.
The baby said, “I don’t want to end up being pigeon towed.”
Two pigeons were sitting chatting on the roof of a house.
“I’m bored,” said one.
“Me, too,” said the other. “I know. Why don’t we fly over to that new car showroom and put a deposit on a Rolls-Royce?”
Two pigeons arranged a date to meet on the ledge outside the ninth floor of a tower block. The female was there on time but the male arrived over an hour late.
“Where have you been?” asked the female pigeon. “I’ve been worried sick.”
“Sorry,” said the male. “But it was such a nice day I decided to walk.”
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What is a pig’s favourite ballet?
Swine Lake.
Who is a pig’s favourite painter?
Pigcasso.
What was the name of the hog who was knighted by King Arthur?
Sir Lunchalot.
How do you take a pig to hospital?
By hambulance.
What did the fat pig say when the farmer dumped corn mash into the trough?
I’m afraid that’s all going to waist.
What happened to the pig who had driving lessons?
He became a crashing boar.
Why is getting up a four o’clock in the morning like a pig’s tail?
Because it’s twirly.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig.
What game do pigs hate to play?
Backgammon.
What kind of story is the story about the three little pigs?
A pigtail.
Which monster scares pigs?
Frankenswine.
What do you call a posh pig delivering newspapers?
Bacon rind.
What do get if you cross a pig with Johnny Depp?
A ham actor.
What do you call a pig who has been arrested for dangerous driving?
A road hog.
What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
Streaky bacon.
What are pigs warned to look out for in New York?
Pigpockets.
What did the pig call his manuscript?
A shoat story.
What pig meets foreign dignitaries and lives in luxury five-star accommodation?
The English Hambassador.
What part of New York do pigs like best?
Central Pork.
First piglet: How do you know your boyfriend loves you?
Second piglet: He finishes his texts with hogs and kisses.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and lemons?
He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Why did the three little pigs leave home?
Because their father was a big boar.
What do you call a pig that travelled by plane?
Swine flu.
What do you call a pig that’s not a professional?
A hamateur.
Why was the pig grateful to the butcher?
Because he saved his bacon.
Where does a hog look when he can’t spell very well?
The pigtionary.
What happens to pigs who break the law?
They get sent to the pen.
What do you call a pig that’s lost its voice?
Disgruntled.
Why do pigs scratch themselves?
Because they’re the only ones who know where they itch.
When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake?
Nobody. The pigs all jump in.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen friends.
A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg. This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.
“This be no ordinary pig,” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived. And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned and knocked me unconscious. The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it caught fire.”
The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said, “Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?”
“When you’ve got a pig as good as that, you don’t eat it all at once.”
What song do pigs sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Lang Swine.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Which sporting event do pigs look forward to the most?
The Olympigs.
Where do pigs go on sunny days?
They go on pignics.
What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up.
When the pig opened a pawnbroker’s shop, what did he call it?
Ham Hocks.
When the pig opened a launderette, what did he call it?
Hog Wash.
Did you hear about the pig who began hiding garbage in November?
She wanted to do her Christmas shopping early.
A city child was on a school visit to a farm. After studying the pigs, she ran up to her teacher and said, “No wonder that mother pig is so big! There’s a bunch of little pigs blowing her up!”
What kind of vehicle do pigs drive?
Pig-up trucks.
What kind of tie does a pig wear?
Pigs’ tie.
What did the pig naval captain shout as his ship left port?
Oinkers away!
Why did the pig join the Army?
He heard they ate in a mess.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.
A man from the city visited a small farm and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground.”
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”
