How do pirates make their money?
By hook or by crook.
Which pirate’s parrot sat on his shoulder squawking, “Pieces of four! Pieces of four!”
Short John Silver.
Why did the pirate give his ship a coat of paint?
Its timbers were shivering.
What do pirates use to blow their noses?
Anchor-chiefs.
What has seven legs and seven eyes?
Seven pirates.
Why did the pirate refuse to say, “Aye, aye, captain.”
Because he only had one eye.
Why does a pirate’s phone go beep beep beep beep?
Because he left it off the hook.
Which Star Wars character is really a pirate?
Aaaaaarrrrrrgh-2 D-2!
What does a pirate believe happens when the world ends?
Aaaaarrrrrrghmageddon.
Where do pirates store their gym clothes?
Davy Jones locker.
“Where did you get that nose ring?” one pirate asked another. “It makes you look more evil than ever. I want one just like it.”
“I bought it last time we were ashore. In a place in the old town.”
“And how much did it cost you?”
“More than I could afford. I paid through the nose for it.”
What did the pirate order when he went to a fish restaurant?
Pieces of skate.
What do you call a pirate who skips class?
Captain Hooky.
Where on a ship can you find a pirate’s bathroom?
The poop deck.
Why do pirates have both ears pierced?
Because it only costs them a buck an ear.
Why couldn’t the twelve-yearold American kid watch the pirate movie?
Because it was Aaaaaaarrrgh-rated.
Why wasn’t the pirate any good at golf?
Because he had an awful hook.
Which pirate drools continuously?
Long John Saliva.
How much did the pirate pay for his hook and his peg leg?
An arm and a leg.
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender noticed that he had a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch.
“How did you end up with the peg leg?” asked the bartender.
The pirate said, “We were in a fearful storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, this huge shark bit off my leg.”
“Wow!” said the bartender. “What about your hook? How did you get that?”
The pirate replied, “We were boarding an enemy ship and fighting with swords. One of the enemy cut off my hand.”
“Amazing!” said the bartender. “So how did you get the eye patch?”
The pirate said, “A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the bartender incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
Why are pirates so popular?
They just aaaarrrrrggh.
How do you join the police?
Handcuff them together.
Why did the police officer carry a pencil and a piece of thin paper?
He wanted to trace someone.
Detective:Your first two wives died after eating poisoned ham sandwiches, and your third has just broken her neck after falling off the roof. It’s all rather suspicious, isn’t it?
Husband: Not really. She wouldn’t eat the poisoned sandwiches.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
You’re under a vest.
A traffic cop stopped a motorist for speeding and told him, “When I saw you driving down the road I guessed sixty at least.”
“You’re wrong, officer,” replied the motorist. “It’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”
Police chief: Why did you arrest that doctor?
Rookie cop: I heard someone say he was trying to take that woman’s purse.
Police chief: No, you idiot! He was trying to take her pulse!
Why did the criminal attach a strip of barbed wire to the neck of his shirt?
Because he didn’t want to have his collar felt.
A driver pulled up to the kerb and asked a policeman, “Can I park here?”
“No,’ replied the officer.
“What about all these other cars?” the driver protested.
“They didn’t ask.”
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, “What will you take – thirty days or thirty dollars?”
The man said, “I think I’ll take the money.”
Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top?
He was loitering within tent.
How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.
Three rookie cops were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, the chief of detectives showed each trainee a picture for five seconds and then hid it.
Showing the picture to the first rookie, he said, “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”
“That’s easy,” said the first rookie. “We’d catch him straight away because he’s only got one eye.”
“Uh, that’s because the picture shows his profile,” explained the chief.
Baffled by the first rookie’s response, the chief turned to the second trainee. Showing him the same picture for five seconds, the chief said, “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”
“No problem,” said the second rookie confidently. “He’d be easy to catch because he’s only got one ear.”
The chief threw up his hands in dismay. “What’s the matter with you two idiots?” he raged. “Of course only one eye and one ear are showing – that’s because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Despairing of the quality of the candidates, the chief turned to the third rookie, showed him the same picture and said testily, “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him? And please don’t give me another stupid answer.”
The third rookie studied the picture intently for a minute or two and then declared, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The chief was impressed by the answer and said, “Wait while I check his file to see if he does wear contact lenses.” The chief then checked on the computer. “Hey, how about that!” he beamed. “It’s true. The suspect does wear contact lenses. That’s a brilliant piece of deduction. How did you work it out just from looking at the picture?”
The third rookie replied, “It was easy. He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
How did the belt break the law?
It held up some pants.
What type of sentence would you get if you broke the law of gravity?
A suspended sentence.
What happened when an eight-foot-tall convict and a three-foot-tall convict escaped from jail together?
Police officers searched high and low for them.
Why did the police officers spend hours in a restaurant?
They were on a steak out.
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can either let me try your case or you can elect to be judged by a jury of your peers.”
The defendant thought for a moment and then asked, “What are peers?”
“They’re your equals,” replied the judge. “They’re people just like you.”
“Forget it!” exclaimed the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves!”
Who is the strongest thief?
A shoplifter.
Did you hear about the threefingered thief?
He only steals bowling balls.
Why are burglars such good tennis players?
Because they spend so much time in courts.
Two prisoners were involved in a fight in jail. A warden rushed in to break it up.
“Okay, that’s enough,” he said, pulling the two men apart. “Right, what’s all this about?”
One of the prisoners said, “He called me a dirty number, warden.”
When did the criminal get smart?
When the judge threw the book at him.
What kind of robbery is not dangerous?
A safe robbery.
A man was given a job as a security guard at a factory where there had been a series of thefts by workers on the night shift. So every morning when the night-shift workers passed through his gate, he had to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
On his first night on duty, everything was quiet until a man pushing a wheelbarrow full of newspapers arrived at the gate. The guard’s suspicions were aroused immediately. Convinced that something of value was concealed beneath the newspapers, he conducted a thorough search of the wheelbarrow but, to his dismay, found nothing. Even so, he still thought the worker was acting oddly, so he questioned him further about the cargo.
The worker explained, “I get a little extra money from recycling newspapers, so I go into the canteen and collect all the ones that people have discarded.”
The guard accepted the explanation, but made a mental note to keep a close eye on the man in future.
Night after night, week after week, it was the same story. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check the contents of the wheelbarrow but find nothing untoward. Then one night, six months into the job, the guard reported for duty as usual but found a message ordering him to go straight to the supervisor’s office. As soon as he walked through the door of the office, the supervisor told him, “You’re fired!”
“Fired?” asked the guard, bemused. “Why? What have I done wrong?”
The supervisor raged, “It was your job to prevent theft from this factory, and you have failed miserably. So you’re fired.”
“What do you mean, failed?” protested the guard. “Nobody has stolen anything from this place during the six months I have been on duty.”
“Oh really?” said the supervisor sarcastically. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are 182 missing wheelbarrows?”
What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up?
Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
There were six murders in a neighbourhood, and a knitting needle was found at each crime scene. The police said they were looking for some sort of pattern.
Did you hear about the prisoner in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charges?
Customer: Any news on the robbery?
Store owner: Yes, the police are looking for a man with one eye.
Customer: Why don’t they use two?
What is a prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark?
A full stop, because it marks the end of his sentence.
After burglars broke into a boss’s house and stole money from his safe, he made everyone at work feel guilty. They protested, “But it wasn’t our vault!”
What do you call a policeman with blond hair?
A fair cop.
What happened when the police station toilet was stolen?
The police had nothing to go on.
What did the police officer say to the icicle?
Freeze!
Did you hear about the rookie cop who handed out thirtyone parking tickets before he realized he was at a drive-in movie?
What diploma do criminals get?
The third degree.
Why was the sword swallower sent to prison?
He coughed and killed two people.
Motorist: Why are you crying after giving me that ticket?
Police officer: It was a moving violation.
What does a police officer use when he arrests a pig?
Ham cuffs.
Judge: Is this the first time that you have been up before me?
Defendant: I don’t know, your honour. What time do you get up?
A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, “This is a muck-up!”
“Don’t you mean a stickup?” said the clerk.
“No,” replied the robber. “It’s definitely a muck-up. I’ve forgotten my gun!”
What do you call four burglars?
Two pairs of sneakers.
Harry: Where did you get that gold watch, Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Harry: How many people were in this race?
Joe: Three – a policeman, the owner of the watch and me!
Why must judges be good at spelling?
They have to follow the letter of the law.
What did Winnie the Pooh say when he carried out a robbery?
Give me your honey!
Criminal: Why don’t you hire the twins for the robbery, boss?
Criminal boss: I’m afraid of a double-cross.
Police officer: I’m afraid I’m going to have to lock you up for the night.
Man: What’s the charge?
Police officer: Oh, there’s no charge. It’s all part of the service.
Police chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building?
Police officer: I’m making a house arrest.
Police detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs?
Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
Police detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?
Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
A shoplifter was caught redhanded trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewellery store. “Listen,” he said to the store manager, “I know you don’t want the hassle of notifying the police and going to court, so how about we settle this amicably? Why don’t I just buy the watch and we forget all about it?”
“Very well,” said the store manager, and he wrote out the sales slip.
The criminal looked at the slip and said, “This is a bit more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”
The cross-eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “How do you plead?”
“Not guilty,” said the second defendant.
“I wasn’t talking to you,” shouted the judge.
“I never said a word,” replied the third defendant.
A police patrol-car driver out of his usual area was surprised to see an inspector on traffic duty.
“It’s Inspector Brown, isn’t it?” asked the patrol-car driver.
“Not any longer. It’s just Constable Brown these days.”
“Why? What happened?” said the patrol-car driver. “I didn’t know you had been demoted.”
“My downfall,” sighed Brown wearily, “was arresting a judge on his way to a fancy dress party. How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?”
“I guess that’s a lesson for us all,” said the patrol-car driver. “Never book a judge by his cover.”
Two burglars were robbing an apartment block when they heard the sound of approaching police car sirens.
“Quick!” said one of the burglars. “Jump out of the window!”
“But we’re on the thirteenth floor,” protested his accomplice.
The first burglar said, “This is no time to be superstitious!”
How did the police find a suspect standing on a set of bathroom scales?
He gave himself a weigh.
Three men were beaten to death with pictures by Picasso. Police are looking for a surreal killer.
Why did the robber take a bath before stealing cash from the bank?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn’t take her clone’s foul mouth any more, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested by the police for making an obscene clone fall.
A driver who was weaving erratically over the road was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As he opened the door and smelled the driver’s breath, the cop snarled, “You’re drunk!”
“Thank goodness for that!” said the driver. “I thought the steering had gone.”
A hillbilly was driving across Texas when a traffic cop ordered him to stop.
“Got any ID?” asked the patrolman.
“’Bout what?” replied the hillbilly.
What were the gangster’s last words?
Who put that violin in my violin case?
A police officer knocked on the door of a house and said to the woman who answered the door: “I’m looking for a man with one leg called Johnson.”
The woman said, “What’s his other leg called?”
Why did the police officer ticket the computer?
It was speeding along the information highway.
Woman: Officer, please help me. I’ve lost my wig.
Police officer: Certainly, madam. We’ll comb the area.
Two Alabama State Troopers were pursuing a stolen car along the interstate highway toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the state line into Georgia, the trooper who was driving pulled over immediately.
“Why did you stop, sarge?” asked the other trooper.
The sergeant replied, “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”
Police chief: Why do you spend all your time trying to hit flies?
Police officer: You assigned me to the swat team, didn’t you?
A woman was driving down the highway when a police patrol car pulled up alongside. The officer shouted to her, “Pull over.”
“No,” replied the woman, “it’s a cardigan actually, but thank you for noticing.”
