What’s the richest kind of air?
A billionaire.
What is a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.
Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of her settlement?
Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.
What must you know to be an auctioneer?
Lots.
Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot. Everyone can catch cold.
What’s round and has got sharp teeth?
A vicious circle.
What do you do with a wombat?
You play wom with it.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What has ten letters and starts with g-a-s?
An automobile.
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing.
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would, too, if you had to change in the middle of the street.
What’s a hospice?
About twenty litres.
Did you hear about the guy with the corduroy pillow?
It made headlines.
How does a robot shave?
With a laser blade.
What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route to get somewhere?
R2 detour.
Do robots have sisters?
No, just transistors.
A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink and lays down some cash. The bartender says, “We don’t serve robots.”
The robot says, “Maybe not now, but someday you will.”
What do mice do when they are at home?
Mousework.
What do you call a superb painting done by a rat?
A mouse-terpiece.
What are the most athletic rodents?
Track and field mice.
A family of mice are sitting around in the lounge. Father mouse is reading the paper while mother and the children are watching television. All of a sudden a cat rushes in. Father mouse gets a terrible fright and starts barking like a dog. The cat runs away.
Turning to the rest of his family, father mouse says, “You see now how important it is to learn a second language.”
What is a mouse’s favourite musical instrument?
A mouse organ.
What is a mouse’s favourite game?
Hide and squeak.
How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
What did the rat say when he saw the supermodel mouse?
That was a narrow squeak.
Where do mice put their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
A child pestered his mother to buy him a pet hamster. Eventually, she agreed but the child only looked after the pet for a couple of days before becoming bored with it. So the tasks of feeding the hamster, giving it fresh water and cleaning out its cage fell to the mother.
One day she became so irritated by his lack of responsibility that she said to him, “How many times do you think this hamster would have died by now if I wasn’t looking after it?”
“Um, I don’t know,” replied the child. “Once?”
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
Eyes down for a full mouse.
How do mice celebrate when they move home?
With a mouse-warming party.
When did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
Mice cubes.
What is small and furry and smells like bacon?
A hamster.
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut house.
What happened to the miserly squirrel?
He never found a mate because he insisted on a prenutshell agreement.
What has six eyes but cannot see?
Three blind mice.
What is small, furry and great at sword fighting?
A mouseketeer.
A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
“No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of cigarettes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my pet hamster…
What is grey, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It’s been nice gnawing you.
What is brown, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse coming back from vacation.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam.
Hickory hickory dock. The mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one. But the rest got away with minor injuries.
A woman wanted to buy a coat made from squirrel fur. “I have only one concern,” she told the store manager. “Will it be all right in the rain?”
“Certainly, madam,” said the manager. “After all, you never see a squirrel with an umbrella, do you?”
What happened when the mouse fell into a bathtub?
He came out squeaky clean.
Which rodents were American TV crimefighters?
Miami Mice.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code.
What goes squeak, squeak, bang?
A mouse in a minefield.
A girl asks her boyfriend, “Do you love me?”
“Of course,” he replies. “Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.”
He leans close to her and quietly says, “Lemon meringue pie.”
What do you get if you go on a blind date wearing football boots?
Stud up.
A girl says to her mean sister, “I wish I had a penny for every boy who’s asked me out.”
“Wow!” says the sister. “So you’d have enough to use a public lavatory then?”
An ugly boy says to a pretty girl, “What would it take to get you to kiss me?”
She replies, “An anaesthetic.”
What happened to the girl who was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg?
She broke it off.
A boy asks his friend, “Why is your face all scratched?”
“My girlfriend said it with flowers.”
“How romantic.”
“Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses.”
A boy said to his girlfriend, “I’m not rich like Jack, don’t have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you.”
She replied, “I love you, too, but what was that you said about Martin?”
One man says to another, “My daughter has recently married an Irishman.”
“Oh, really?”
“No, O’Reilly.”
Why did the young man break off his relationship with a telephone operator?
She had too many hangups.
A woman asked her friend, “Where are you off to?”
“To see the doctor,” her friend replied. “I don’t like the look of my husband.”
“Can I come with you? I can’t stand the sight of mine.”
What happened after the jigsaw split up with his girlfriend?
He was in pieces.
Why was the Irish girl disappointed with the engagement ring from her boyfriend?
Because it was a sham rock.
How did the telephones get married?
In a double ring ceremony.
A lady asked her friend, “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”
Her friend said, “Yes, a strand of my husband’s hair.”
“But your husband’s still alive!” Her friend replied, “Yes, but his hair’s gone.”
A girl said to her boyfriend, “You remind me of a pepper pot.”
He said, “I’ll take that as a condiment.”
Two friends were getting ready to go to a nightclub. One of them had a wooden eye. He said, “If anyone in there says anything about my wooden eye, I’m going to snap.”
As soon as they entered the club, he went up to a girl and asked her if she wanted to dance.
She said, “I’d be daft not to, wouldn’t I?”
A woman said to her friend, “My husband is a man of many parts.”
Her friend remarked, “Pity they weren’t put together properly.”
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which one to marry. In an attempt to solve his dilemma, he went to a marriage counsellor. When asked to list the virtues of his two loves, the young man revealed that one made delicious pancakes and the other was a talented poet.
“I see your problem,” said the counsellor. “You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or verse.”
A man said to his friend, “I’ve just bought my wife a bottle of eau de toilette for fifty dollars.”
His friend replied, “You could have had some from my toilet for nothing.”
What happened to that couple who met in a revolving door?
They’re still going round together.
A stupid girl is in the cinema with her boyfriend. She begins to feel quite peckish so her boyfriend goes to get some snacks. He comes back with some M&Ms. The girl takes them, opens the packet and begins to eat them but picks out all the brown ones.
Her boyfriend asks, “Why are you picking out all the brown ones?”
The girl replies, “I’m allergic to chocolate.”
A young man says to his girlfriend’s father, “I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”
The prospective father-inlaw replies, “Well, you’ll have to take the rest of her, too, or the deal is off.”
A boy told his sister, “Girls whisper that they love me.”
His sister answered, “Well they’d hardly say it out loud now, would they?”
A girl said to her friend, “My brother fell in love with his wife the second time he met her. He didn’t know how rich she was the first time.”
Two ladies were gossiping about a mutual friend. The first lady said, “She was two thirds married once.”
“What do you mean?” her friend asked.
“Well, she turned up, the minister turned up, but the groom didn’t.”
Feeling sorry for himself, a husband confessed to his wife, “Sometimes I think I’m nothing but an idiot.”
His wife held his hand tenderly and said, “Don’t worry, darling. Lots of people feel like that. In fact, virtually everyone I know thinks you’re an idiot!”
A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewellery store window.
“Wow, I’d sure love to have that!” she said.
“No problem, baby,” said the thief, and he threw a brick through the glass and grabbed the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.
“What I would give to own that!” she said.
“Sure thing, darling,” said the guy, and he threw another brick through the window and snatched the jacket.
Finally, turning for home, they passed a Mercedes car dealership.
“Boy, I would do anything for one of those!” she said dreamily.
“Forget it!” the guy moaned. “Do you think I’m made of bricks?”
Why do they call her an after dinner speaker?
Because every time she speaks to a man she’s after a dinner.
Once there was a girl who desperately wanted a boyfriend. Her mother wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said, “That was the worst night of my life!”
“Why is that?” her mother asked.
“He owns a 1938 Rolls-Royce!” Her mother looked confused, “Isn’t that a good thing?”
The girl replied, “He’s the original owner and he bought it brand new!”
Why is an archaeologist the best husband a woman can have?
Because the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
A boy told his girlfriend at the end of the evening, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t leave you, darling.”
“Do you love me that much?” she asked.
“It’s not that,” he said. “You’re standing on my foot!”
A boy told his pal, “I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend.”
His pal replied, “I wish I could make a trade like that.”
Mr Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife.
By the second day, they were already fighting.
“Your dresses are too tight,” he screamed. “You look like a tramp!”
“Oh,” she replied. “You want to see me in something long and flowing? If you find something long and flowing, let me know and I’ll get in it.”
He pointed to the Mississippi River and said, “That’s long and flowing!” and he pushed her into the river.
Wife: I’ll cook you dinner. What would you like?
Husband: A life insurance policy.
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
To get to the other bride.
Girl: Now that we are engaged I hope you’ll give me a ring.
Boy: Of course. What’s your phone number?
First boy: My girlfriend has beautiful long hair all down her back.
Second boy: What a pity it’s not on her head!
First boy: I can marry anyone I please.
Second boy: But you don’t please anyone.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
“Sir, I’d like your daughter for my wife.”
“Can’t she get one of her own?”
How does a man know that he can count on his wife?
When she wears beads.
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally decided to propose to her.
“Will you marry me, darling?” he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, “Yes, if you’ll buy me a mink.”
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, “Okay, it’s a deal, on one condition.”
“What is that?” Lisa asked.
Kurt replied, “You’ll have to clean its cage.”
Two brooms were hanging in the cupboard and after a while they got along so well that they decided to get married. The bride broom looked beautiful in her white dress while the groom broom looked extremely suave in his tuxedo.
At the reception the bride broom was asked whether any baby brooms were on the horizon.
“It’s far too soon to be talking about things like that,” said the bride broom. “We haven’t even swept together!”
First girl: Julie’s boyfriend told her he’d lost all his money.
Second girl: What did she say?
First girl: I’ll miss you, darling.
First boy: Your girlfriend has a big mouth.
Second boy: How do you mean?
First boy: When she yawns her ears vanish.
A young girl says to her friend, “When I grow up I’m going to marry the boy next door.”
“Why?” her friend asks.
“I’m not allowed to cross the road.”
Why did the husband want to be buried at sea?
To stop his wife dancing on his grave.
A young man had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Janice Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him, too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with anyone else while he was still going out with Lorraine. So he decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with Lorraine and start dating Janice Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine suddenly slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing, “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.”
What’s the wife of a hippy called?
Mississippi.
They’re the perfect match, he’s a history teacher and she likes dates.
They’re the perfect match, she likes jogging and he’s on the run from the law.
They’re the perfect match, she works in the chip shop and there is something fishy about him.
They’re the perfect match, she’s a geologist and he’s on the rocks.
A man was relaxing on the sofa watching television when he heard his wife’s voice in the kitchen. “What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?”
Surprised, he answered, “Thanks! I’d like chicken.”
His wife replied, “You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.”
When plus and minus got married they had an addition to the family. The thing is, though, he turned out to be a problem child.
First woman: Don’t you think that man over there is the ugliest person you’ve ever seen?
Second woman: He’s my husband.
First woman: Oh dear, I am sorry.
Second woman: You’re sorry?!
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and said, “There is a burglar in the kitchen eating my homemade steak and kidney pie.”
“Oh dear,” said her husband. “Who should I call, the police or an ambulance?”
A man who lived in an apartment block wanted to check whether or not it was raining outside, so he opened the window and held out his hand. But as he did so, a glass eye fell into his palm. Looking up to see where it had come from, he saw a woman looking down from an apartment on the top floor.
“Is this yours?” he asked, holding the glass eye.
“Yes,” she replied. “Could you bring it up?”
He took the glass eye up to the woman’s apartment, and she was so grateful for its safe return that she offered him a drink. Then she asked him whether he would like to stay for dinner, and he accepted the invitation. They had a lovely meal, at the end of which she suddenly leaned over and kissed him.
The man was taken aback and asked, “Do you behave like this with every man you meet?”
“No,” she said. “Only those who catch my eye.”
