What gets smaller the more you put in it?
A hole in the ground.
Why is a room full of married people empty?
There isn’t a single person in it.
If fish lived on land, where would they live?
In Finland.
If the green house is on the right side of the road, and the red house is on the left side of the road, where is the white house?
In Washington, DC.
How does Posh Spice keep her husband under control?
He’s at her Beckham call.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine.
What causes baldness?
Lack of hair.
What did one car say to the other?
You look familiar. Haven’t we bumped into each other before?
What did one faucet say to the other faucet?
You’re a big drip.
When is it not a good idea to keep your feet on the ground?
When you’re putting on pants.
What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did one girl calendar say to the other girl calendar?
I have more dates than you do.
What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose.
What did one invisible man say to the other invisible man?
It’s nice not to see you again.
Why did the Invisible Man look in the mirror?
To make sure he still wasn’t there.
What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
I find you very attractive.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
What did one windshield wiper say to the other windshield wiper?
Isn’t it a shame we seem to meet only when it rains?
What did the big carburettor say to the little carburettor?
Don’t inhale so fast or you’ll choke.
What did the book say to the librarian?
Can I take you out?
What did the boy Frankenstein say to the girl Frankenstein?
You are so electrocute.
What did the shirt say to the pants?
Meet me at the clothesline. That’s where I hang out.
What did the stocking with the hole say to the shoe?
Well, I’ll be darned!
What’s a wok?
Something you throw at a wabbit.
What happened when the man leaped off a 200-foot-high cliff?
He jumped to a conclusion.
What did the wig say to the head?
I’ve got you covered.
What do hill people use to cook their food on?
A mountain range.
What do you call someone who carries a dictionary in his jeans?
Smarty pants.
What sound do you get if you hit a counterfeit penny with a hatchet?
A phony axe cent.
Where do parasites live?
In Paris.
What is a ship for good writers?
Penmanship.
What’s pink and looks like a watering can?
A pink watering can.
What’s yellow and 1,454 feet tall?
The Empire State Banana.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, what do two rights make?
A u-turn.
What is an ocean?
Where buoy meets gull.
Why did the lumberjack hand pieces of wood to the bank manager?
He wanted to open a shavings account.
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocain during root canal surgery?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why are tall people more lazy?
Because they lie longer in bed.
Why did the clown buy an extra large shirt?
So that he could get used to performing in the Big Top.
What did the boots say to the cowboy?
You ride, I’ll go on foot.
Why did the beach crumble beneath the jetty?
Pier pressure.
What is an ultimate?
The last person you marry.
What is black and white and red all over?
A blushing penguin.
What is black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
What is black and white and red all over?
A skunk with diaper rash.
What is black and white and red all over?
A sunburned zebra.
What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What is the correct height for people to stand?
Over two feet.
What’s the definition of parity?
Two identical parrots.
What kind of clothing does a pet wear?
A petticoat.
What can you catch but not throw?
Your breath.
What is hairy and coughs?
A coconut with flu.
How do you stop a cold getting to your chest?
Tie a knot in your neck.
Why was the TV documentary about the navy so popular?
It got the best ratings.
What lottery did the broom win?
The sweepstakes.
What kind of truck is always a “he” and never a “she?”
A mail truck.
What letter stands for the ocean?
The letter C.
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs.
What part of a clock is always old?
The second hand.
What goes “Clip”?
A one-legged horse.
What radio has a crewcut?
A short-wave radio.
Which two words in the English language have the most letters?
Post Office.
What would happen if you swallowed your knife and fork?
You would have to eat with your hands.
What would you call the life story of a car?
An autobiography.
Why shouldn’t you go into the shower with Pokemon?
Because he might Pikachu.
When are people smartest?
During the day, because when the sun shines everything is brighter.
What are hippies for?
Holding up your leggies.
When do the leaves begin to turn?
The night before an important test.
Why didn’t the man get wet despite losing his umbrella?
Because it wasn’t raining.
When do your car’s brakes work best?
In the morning when its brakefast time.
When is an army like a sales clerk making out a bill?
When it is ready to charge.
Why don’t human cannonballs keep their jobs very long?
Because as soon as they start they get fired.
Where can you always find diamonds?
In a deck of cards.
Why don’t mountains get cold in winter?
They wear snow caps.
Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary.
Why are Boy Scouts chubby?
Because scouting rounds a guy out.
Why can you always believe a ruler?
Because it is on the level.
What happened when the woman’s underwear fell in the vat at a beermaker’s?
A scandal was brewing.
Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time.
What did the toothbrush want to be when he grew older?
A broom.
Why did the girl tear the calendar?
Because she wanted to take a month off.
How many successful jumps must a skydiver make before he graduates?
All of them.
Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day.
Why did the man keep a ruler on his newspaper?
Because he wanted to get the story straight.
Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we’d have to call them slow-i-canes.
Why do people laugh up their sleeves?
That’s where their funny bones are.
Why is a book like a king?
Because they both have pages.
Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole, and you could lose your money through it.
What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
When they’re not home.
When doesn’t a telephone work underwater?
When it’s wringing wet.
How did the steelworker go to the wrong factory?
He lost his bearings.
Why couldn’t the bankrupt cowboy complain?
Because he’d got no beef.
How do you know when a chair doesn’t like you?
When it can’t bear you.
How can you double your money?
How do you file a nail?
Under the letter N.
How do you make a lemon drop?
Hold it and then let go.
When prices are going up, what remains stationary?
Writing paper and envelopes.
How can you get your name in lights the world over?
Change it to Emergency Exit.
On what nuts can you hang pictures?
Walnuts.
What are southern fathers called?
Southpaws.
What can you hold without touching it?
A conversation.
What did one broom say to the other broom?
Have you heard the latest dirt?
What did Tennessee?
He saw what Arkansas.
What did the big watch hand say to the small watch hand?
Got a minute?
What else did the big watch hand say to the small watch hand?
Don’t go away, I’ll be back in an hour.
What did the girl watch say to the boy watch?
Keep your hands to yourself!
What did the electric plug say to the wall?
Socket to me!
Why did the man always fly off the handle?
Because he had a screw loose.
Name three things that have eyes but can’t see.
Needles, storms and potatoes.
What is a parrot?
A wordy bird.
What is one of the hardest subjects?
The study of rocks.
What is another name for a telephone booth?
A chatterbox.
What do the bathroom doors at a funeral parlour say?
His and Hearse.
What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?
A carpet.
What is ice?
Skid stuff.
Why can’t you keep secrets in a bank?
Because of all the tellers.
What is the left side of an apple?
The part that you haven’t eaten.
How does a broom act?
With sweeping gestures.
So that worms can see underground.
What do you say if you see three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What kind of bird is like a letter?
A jaybird.
What kind of meat doesn’t stand up?
Lean meat.
Why did the girl have a horse on her head?
Because she wanted a pony tail.
How did the teenager know he had bad acne?
His dog called him Spot.
What pet is always found on the floor?
A carpet.
Where do geologists go for entertainment?
To a rock concert.
What ring is square?
A boxing ring.
What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen?
Time to get it fixed.
What wears shoes but has no feet?
The sidewalk.
When is a chair like a fabric?
When it’s sat in.
How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two nights, and ride out on Friday?
Friday is the name of his horse.
Why couldn’t the guy get a job as a milkman?
He didn’t have the bottle.
Where do baby plants go to school?
To a nursery.
Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.
Why did the man throw a clock out of the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
Why did the window pane blush?
It saw the weather-strip.
Why do mummies tell no secrets?
Because they keep things under wraps.
Who makes suits and eats spinach?
Popeye the Tailorman.
Why shouldn’t you believe a person in bed?
Because he is lying.
How can you tell if you are crosseyed?
When you see eye-to-eye with yourself.
How do you know that army sergeants have a lot of headaches?
Because they always yell, “Tension!”
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why were all the ink spots crying?
Their father was in the pen.
How did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
Why did the booger cross the road?
Because he was being picked on.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
Which movie featured Sister Bernadette as a crack US fighter aircraft pilot?
Top Nun.
What’s taken before you get it?
Your picture.
Why are birthdays good for you?
The more you have, the longer you live.
What is half of infinity?
Nity.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of anty-bodies.
Why was the man born to be a pessimist?
His blood type was B Negative.
What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes?
Catalina dressing.
What did the digital watch say to his mom?
Look, Mom, no hands!
How was the blind carpenter able to see?
He picked up his hammer and saw.
Why did the willow weep?
He was unpoplar.
If you don’t feel well, what do you probably have?
A pair of gloves on your hands.
If you fell off a ladder, what would you fall against?
Against your will.
What is the guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
What do cowboys call a doctor’s hypodermic needle?
A sick shooter.
What do seven days of dieting do?
They make one weak.
What are never built to scale?
Prison walls.
What do you call a person who doesn’t have all his fingers on one hand?
Normal. Fingers are supposed to be on two hands.
What did the log say to the lumberjack?
You give me a splitting headache.
What do you get if you put your hand in a pot?
A potted palm.
What do you get if you put your head in a washing machine?
Cleaner and brighter thoughts.
What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You probably have a polkadotted sock over your head.
What does every drowning person say no matter what language he speaks?
“Glub, glub!”
What goes up but never goes down?
Your age.
What else goes up but doesn’t come down?
A bear stuck in a tree.
Why do pens get sent to prison?
To do long sentences.
From which five-letter word can you take out the first, third and fifth letters and still be left with the same word?
Empty.
What goes, “Ho, ho, ho, bonk!”?
Santa Claus laughing his head off.
What happened when the horse swallowed a dollar bill?
He bucked.
What happened when the icicle landed on the man’s head?
It knocked him cold.
What is better than presence of mind in an automobile accident?
Absence of body.
What is the best thing to take when you’re run down?
The number of the car that hit you.
What is the best way to cure acid indigestion?
Stop drinking acid.
What is the famous last word in surgery?
Ouch!
What is the healthiest kind of water?
Well water.
What has tracks that arrive before it gets there?
A train.
What is the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.
What is worse than a centipede with sore feet?
A giraffe with a sore throat.
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A turtle with claustrophobia.
What is worse than a turtle with claustrophobia?
An elephant with hay fever.
What kind of television programme tells you who just broke an arm or leg?
A newscast.
What nuts give you a cold?
Cachoo nuts.
What goes up a chimney down, but won’t go down a chimney up?
An umbrella.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What would happen if you swallowed uranium?
You would get atomic ache.
When a girl slips on the ice, why can’t her brother help her up?
He can’t be a brother and assist her too.
When doesn’t it matter if a sailor can’t swim?
When he’s not in the water.
When do you have acute pain?
When you own a very pretty window.
Why wouldn’t the butterfly go to the dance?
Because it was a moth ball.
When don’t you feel so hot?
When you catch a cold.
When is the best time to buy a thermometer?
In the winter, because then it is lower.
What did one candle say to the other candle?
Are you going out tonight?
When is the vet busiest?
When it rains cats and dogs.
When they take out an appendix, it’s an appendectomy; when they remove your tonsils, it’s a tonsillectomy. What is it when they remove a growth from your head?
A haircut.
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a pack of cards.
What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug?
It loses its cool.
Why was the man frustrated by his new job at the cemetery?
Because no matter what he said to the customers, they were always dead right.
Which eye gets hit the most?
A bullseye.
What gets closer and closer but never arrives?
Tomorrow.
Why can’t a very thin person stand up straight?
Because he is lean.
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide.
Why is a woman in love like a welder?
Because they both carry a torch.
Why did the man hit his hand with a hammer?
He wanted to see something swell.
Why did the secretary cut off her fingers?
She wanted to write shorthand.
How is manna from heaven like horse hay?
Both are food from aloft.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke his eyes out.
Why did the timid soul tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
Why did the man swallow a pack of razor blades?
To sharpen his appetite.
Why was the barber arrested?
For running a clip joint.
Why do your eyes look different when you have been to an eye doctor?
Because they’ve been checked.
Why is a fishing hook like the measles?
Because it’s catching.
Why is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test the pupils.
Why is Congress like a cold?
Because sometimes the ayes have it and sometimes the nos.
Why shouldn’t you make jokes about a fat person?
Because it’s not nice to poke fun at someone else’s expanse.
You never catch cold going up in an elevator. True or false?
True. You come down with a cold, never up.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin’ Catholic.
How long does it take for a candle to burn down?
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too difficult to put them on the bottom.
Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
To check his balance.
What is a king’s favourite kind of precipitation?
Hail.
What is a tornado’s favourite game?
Twister.
What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
You make my temperature rise.
What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.
What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
You’re shocking.
What did one tornado say to the other?
Let’s twist again, like we did last summer…
Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What type of lightning likes to play sports?
Ball lightning.
What type of sense of humour does a dust storm have?
A very dry sense of humour.
What did the shy pebble say?
I wish I was a little boulder.
What animals talk longest on the telephone?
Yakety-yaks.
Why are manhole covers round?
Because manholes are round.
What is bright red and dumb?
A blood clot.
What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?
Because it’s always on a sundae.
