Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on the test.
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you.
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things.
Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing, dear?
Daughter: Yes, and we’re going again tomorrow.
Mother: Why’s that?
Daughter: To try and find the kids we left behind.
Mother: How do you like your new teacher?
Son: I don’t.
Mother: Why not?
Son: She told me to sit up front for the present and then she didn’t give me one.
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips.
Why did the jellybean go to school?
Because he wanted to be a smartie.
Son: The art teacher doesn’t like what I’m making.
Father: Why, what are you making?
Son: Mistakes.
Teacher: I want to talk to you about two words I wish you wouldn’t use so often in class. One is “great” and the other is “lousy”.
Pupil: Certainly, sir. What are they?
Teacher: Please don’t whistle while studying!
Pupil: I’m not studying, just whistling.
Teacher: What is a comet?
Pupil: A star with a tail.
Teacher: Can you name one?
Pupil: Lassie.
A seventh grade biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.
He took two earthworms and in front of the class he dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it fell to the bottom and wriggled about. He then dropped the second worm into a beaker of ethyl alcohol and it immediately shrivelled up and died.
Finally, he asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.
A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and said:
“You’re showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won’t have worms!”
Teacher: Can you give me an example of how to use the word “politics” in a sentence?
Pupil: My parrot swallowed a watch, and now Polly ticks.
Teacher: You try my patience!
Pupil: No, sir, you had better try mine. There’s more of it!
An inflatable boy goes to an inflatable school and one day he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.
The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks about how much he hates school and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.
A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable police. Panicking, the inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.
Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster says, “You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.”
Teacher: Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit down.
Teacher: If one plus one is two and two plus two equals four, what is four plus four?
Pupil: That’s not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one.
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see.
Teacher: That’s an interesting pair of socks you have on. One red and one blue.
Pupil: Yes, Miss. And I’ve got another pair at home just like it!
Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim.
The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards.
He said, “No mis.”
Two students who were studying English went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word Hawaii.
One student insisted that it’s Hawaii, with a “w” sound.
The other student said it was pronounced “Havaii”, with a “v” sound.
Finally, they saw a man on the beach whom they knew had lived on the islands for many years and asked him which was correct.
The old man said, “It’s Havaii.” The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man replied, “You’re velcome.”
Every day over a period of several months a small boy brought raisins into school for his teacher, but then suddenly he stopped. After a few days without raisins, the teacher asked the boy why he had stopped bringing raisins for her. He explained, “My rabbit died.”
Over the course of several days, a student teacher was seen coming out of the school restroom with a marker pen in his hand. On the walls of the restroom were rude expressions and graffiti. It was very bad.
Finally, the headmaster called the student teacher into his office and told him that it was terrible to write those things on the walls.
The student teacher said, “I’m not the one writing all these things. I’m just correcting the grammar.”
First student: Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
Second student: What’s so great about that?
First student: It’s snowing outside.
What kind of food do mathematics teachers eat?
Square meals.
Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Pupil: You told me to do it without using tables.
One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.
A student asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Tense,” answered the teacher, describing how he felt.
The student paused, then continued, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?”
Teacher: Where’s your homework?
Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit, but I’m not too keen on the time in-between.
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him repeat, “One and one, the son-of-a-witch is two. Two and two, the son-of-a-witch is four. Three and three…”
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing sums. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher had taught him.
His mother was upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into little Johnny’s classroom and confronted his teacher about her bizarre method of teaching arithmatic.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, she exclaimed, “Oh, I know! Here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.”
Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I’m no good at math.
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you all to answer at once. How much is six plus four?
Class: At once.
Teacher: Why are you the only child in the classroom today?
Pupil: Because I was the only one who didn’t have school dinner yesterday!
Teacher: Why weren’t you at school yesterday?
Pupil: Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull.
Teacher: Surely your father could have done that?
Pupil: No, it has to be the bull.
Teacher: This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is word for word exactly the same essay as your brother has written.
Pupil: Of course it is. It’s the same dog!
A Sunday School teacher was having trouble opening a combination lock on the church safe. Eventually, she went to the minister’s room and asked for help.
The minister started to turn the dial, but after the first three numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Then he looked heavenward, mouthed something in silence, looked back at the safe, dialled the last two numbers and successfully opened the lock.
The teacher gushed, “I’m so impressed by your faith, minister. The power of prayer was never better illustrated.”
“Not really,” he answered. “You see, I can never remember the combination either. That’s why I wrote the number on a piece of paper and stuck it to the ceiling.”
Why was the Lord of the Rings author told off at school?
For Tolkien in class.
An elementary school student asked his teacher if a person should be punished for something he hadn’t done.
“No,” said the teacher. “Of course not!”
“Good,” said the boy. “Because I haven’t done my homework.”
Why was the little boy teacher’s pet?
Because she kept him in a cage at the back of the class.
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy.
Father: Then why are you looking so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn’t give me any trouble – but the answers did.
Father: How are your exam results?
Son: They’re under water.
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They’re below C level.
Son: Dad, will you do my homework for me tonight?
Father: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Son: Well, you could try.
Father: Why are your school marks so bad? You weren’t absent on the day of the test, were you?
Teacher: When was Rome built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
Pupil: Because my dad always says that Rome wasn’t built in a day!
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: Twelve. The second of January, the second of February…
Teacher: Does anyone know which month has twenty-eight days?
Pupil: All of them.
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet.
First boy: Can you come out to play after school?
Second boy: No, sorry. I promised my dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.
A boy at school asked his teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”
The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your ABCs.”
The boy said: “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”
The teacher asked, “Where’s the p?”
The boy replied, “Running down my leg!”
“What’s your father’s occupation?” the school secretary asked a young boy on the first day of the new academic year.
“He’s a magician,” replied the boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favourite trick?”
“He saws people in half,” said the boy.
“Gosh!” exclaimed the secretary. “Have you any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes. One half-brother and two half-sisters.”
Teacher: This is the third time I’ve had to tell you off this week! What have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it’s Friday.
Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back.
Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave in class?
Pupil: Yes, Miss.
Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you were naughty?
Pupil: Yes, but since I broke my promise, you don’t have to keep yours.
Teacher: What’s the definition of a polygamist?
Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife.
Teacher: If there are four birds on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?
Pupil: None.
Teacher: No, the correct answer is three.
Pupil: But, Miss, if you shot one, the other three would fly away.
What tables don’t you have to learn?
Dinner tables.
Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
Because she wanted to test the waters.
Teacher: What do you know about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead? I didn’t even know it was ill.
Why was the headmaster worried?
There were too many rulers in school.
Why did the pupils think their school was haunted?
Because the principal was always going on about the school spirit.
One morning, before school, a young boy said to his father, “Dad, I don’t want to go to school today.”
“Why not?” his father asked, concerned that his son was ill or unhappy at school.
The boy said, “Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
The boy’s father looked confused, “But why don’t you want to go today?”
The boy replied, “Because our English teacher died yesterday.”
Teacher: I wish you would pay a little attention.
Pupil: I’m paying as little as I can!
Teacher: I’d like to go through one whole day without telling you off!
Pupil: You have my permission.
Teacher: I’m glad to see your writing has improved.
Pupil: Thank you, Miss.
Teacher: Because now I can see how bad your spelling is.
A small girl arrived home from school and told her mother, “Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four, but she still doesn’t know. Because today she asked us again!”
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil: Life imprisonment.
Son: I failed every subject except for algebra.
Mother: How did you keep from failing that?
Son: I didn’t take algebra.
Mother: Why are you home from school so early?
Son: I was the only one who could answer a question.
Mother: Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: Who threw the eraser at the principal?
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes, I do,” he said. “My dad taught me.”
“Good,” said the teacher. “So what comes after four?”
“Five.”
“And what comes after seven?”
“Eight.”
“And what comes after ten?”
“The jack.”
A young boy was at his first day at a new school. The teacher asked him, “If I had six coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left?”
“I don’t know,” said the boy. “At my old school we did all our sums in apples and oranges.”
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.
Pupil: I know, Miss. But maybe if you were a little quieter, I could.
Teacher: That’s quite a cough you have there. What are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don’t know, Miss. How much will you give me?
Teacher: Why are you late? Pupil: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Pupil: The one that says “School Ahead. Go Slow”. So I did!
Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?
Pupil: My Mom won’t let me do it at home.
Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears? Have you got an infection?
Pupil: Well, Miss, you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other, so I’m trying to keep them in.
Why shouldn’t you put grease on your hair the night before an important school test?
If you did, everything might slip your mind.
A young girl by the name of Rosemary worked really hard at school in the hope that she would one day be as clever as her classmates. As she was not naturally gifted, study did not come easy to her and there were occasions when everything seemed too much. So she constantly needed reassurance from her teacher.
One day she asked the teacher, “Do you think I will ever be as smart as my friends?”
The teacher responded encouragingly, “You will be partially sage, Rosemary, in time.”
Father: Let me see your school report.
Son: I haven’t got it.
Father: Why not?
Son: My friend has borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents!
After seeing their thirteen-year-old son finish bottom of the class in every subject, his parents decided to send him to a private tutor. A month later, they asked the tutor how the boy was doing.
“He’s getting straight As,” said the tutor.
“That’s great,” said the relieved parents.
“Mind you,” added the tutor, “his Bs are still a bit wonky.”
Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting.
Pupil: That’s because he borrowed my pen.
A science teacher was irritated that one of his students was late for his class for the third time in a week. So as soon as the boy sat down, the teacher made a point of asking him, “Jenkins, what’s the chemical formula for sulphuric acid?”
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the boy.
“Well, Jenkins,” said the teacher sternly, “perhaps if you came to class on time you would know.”
“I doubt it,” replied the boy, “because I never pay attention anyway!”
Why don’t you see any giraffes in elementary school?
Because they’re all in high school.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright.
Teacher: What do you get if you add 4,657 and 7,854, then subtract 678 and divide the answer by 62?
Pupil: A headache.
At a school careers evening, a fifteen-year-old boy was asked what he wanted to do when he left school. He replied, “I want to be a stamp collector.”
The careers advisor was sceptical. “What about banking? There’s plenty of money to be made in banking.”
“No, I want to be a stamp collector.”
“Or how about teaching? There’s always a shortage of teachers.”
“No,” the boy insisted. “I want to be a stamp collector.”
“Or journalism?” persisted the careers advisor. “That can lead to all manner of opportunities – public relations, radio, television…”
“No, I want to be a stamp collector.”
The careers advisor threw up his hands in despair and cried, “But don’t you see, philately will get you nowhere!”
Did you hear about the crosseyed teacher?
He couldn’t control his pupils.
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know.
Why is math always sad?
Because it has too many problems.
Teacher: Be sure you go straight home after school.
Pupil: I can’t. I live round the corner.
Boy: Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Father: Don’t tell me that they haven’t found it yet. I remember looking for it when I was a boy.
Father: Are you in the top half of your class?
Son: No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possible.
“Mary!” shouted the teacher to the pupil who was daydreaming. “If India has the world’s second largest population, oranges are $1.50 for six, and it costs $8 for a day return to Pittsburgh, how old am I?”
“Twenty-eight,” replied Mary instantly.
“Why did you say that?” asked the teacher.
“Well,” said Mary, “my brother’s fourteen and he’s half mad!”
