What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
Edward.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.
What do you call a woman with a bunch of holly on her head?
Carol.
What do you call a woman with a cat on her head?
Kitty.
What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?
Russell.
What do you call a man who lies on the floor?
Matt.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man with a crane on his head?
Derek.
What do you call a man with a map on his head?
Miles.
What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head?
Reg.
What do you call a man with a wig on his head?
Aaron.
What do you call a man with a doormat on his head?
Neil.
What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head?
Anita.
What do you call a woman with slates on her head?
Ruth.
What do you call a woman with a spring on her head?
April.
What do you call a man with a large blue-black-yellow mark on his head?
Bruce.
What do you call a man with some cat scratches on his head?
Claude.
What do you call a man with a stamp on his head?
Frank.
What do you call a woman with a breeze on her head?
Gail.
What do you call a woman with a tortoise on her head?
Shelley.
What do you call a woman with a twig on her head?
Hazel.
What do you call a man with a kilt on his head?
Scott.
What do you call a man with a legal document on his head?
Will.
What do you call a man who wears a coat?
Mac.
What do you call a man who wears two coats?
Max.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper?
Warren.
What do you call a woman who lies across the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sister-Matic.
What do you call a man with a picture on his head?
Art.
What do you call a man with a pole on his head?
Rod.
What do you call two men with poles on their heads standing in the window?
Kurt and Rod.
What to do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney.
What do you call a man with a pigeon on his head?
Homer.
What do you call a man with a duck on his head?
Bill.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call a man you dig up out of the ground?
Pete.
What do you call a man who comes through your letterbox?
Bill.
What do you call a man who comes through a student letterbox?
Grant.
What do you call a man pouring water into a jug?
Phil.
What do you call a man who likes doughnuts?
Duncan
What do you call a man with a rowing machine on his head?
Jim.
What do you call a man with exams on his head?
Mark.
What do you call a woman setting fire to bills?
Bernadette.
What do you call a woman wearing denim?
Jean.
What do you call a flying woman?
Rose.
What do you call a woman with a bottle on her head?
Cherie.
What do you call a woman with a lamp on her head?
Jeannie.
What do you call a Mexican man who cannot find his vehicle?
Carlos.
What do you call a woman juggling bottles of beer?
Beatrix.
What do you call a woman juggling bottles of beer and making something from clay?
Beatrix Potter.
What do you call a really small woman?
Dot.
What do you call a really happy woman?
Mary.
What do you call a singing woman?
Carol.
What do you call a man at the side of a house?
Ali.
What do you call a woman with a police car on her head?
Nina.
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lily.
What do you call a woman who knows how to get across a gap?
Bridget.
What do you call woman with a hairy top lip?
Tash.
What do you call the woman with a sunbed on her head?
Tanya.
What do you call a man with a family of foxes on his head?
Den.
What do you call a man on the top of an oil well?
Derek.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a man with a hedgehog on his head?
Spike.
What do you call a man with a toilet on his head?
John.
What do you call a woman with a window on her head?
Cilla.
What do you call a woman with diamonds on her head?
Gemma.
What do you call a woman who hires buildings on a long-term agreement?
Lisa.
What do you call a woman who completes a list of flightless birds that starts Ostrich, Emu, Kiwi?
Andrea.
What do you call a man with an insect on his head?
Anton.
What do you call a woman with shopping bags on her head?
Carrie.
What do you call a woman who’s always matchmaking?
Maria.
What do you call a Pakistani police informer?
Wasim.
What do you call a woman who’s always in court after damages?
Sue.
What do you call a man with a razor on his head?
Nick.
What do you call a man with a finish line on his head?
Victor.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey.
What do you call a woman who put on weight by eating two husbands to whom she was illegally married?
Big Amy.
What do you call a man in debt?
Owen.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
What do you call a man with a cow on his head?
Pat.
What do you call a woman with a roulette wheel on her head?
Bette.
What do you call a man with a tree on his head?
Woody.
What do you call a man with lots of trees on his head?
Forrest.
What do you call a man with a man on his head?
Manny.
What do you call a man with lots of eyes on his head?
Seymour.
What do you call a man with grass on his head?
Mo.
What do you call a man with a duck on his head?
Donald.
What do you call a man with a casserole on his head?
Stu.
What do you call a woman who manufactures items for beauty contests?
Sasha.
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head?
Baa-Baa-Ra.
What do you call a woman with a computerized piano on the side of her head?
Cynthia.
What do you call a man with a large fruit on his head?
Gordon.
What do you call a man with a karaoke machine?
Mike.
What do you call a woman with a short skirt on?
Denise.
What do you call a woman that people sit on?
Cher.
What do you call a man who swings through the jungle backwards?
Nazrat.
What do you call a woman with a nut tree on her head?
Hazel.
What do you call a woman with a boat on her head?
Maude.
What do you call a girl with a star on her head?
Stella.
What do you call a girl with a supermarket checkout on her head?
Tilly.
What do you call a woman who works in a bakers?
Bunty.
What do you call a woman with sandpaper on her head?
Sandie.
What do you call a male cat on an ocean liner?
Tom Cruise.
What do you call a dead magician?
An abracadaver.
What do you call a pretend railway?
A play station.
What do you call well-repaired holes in socks?
Darned good.
What do you call the place where the police keep rhubarb thieves?
Custardy.
What do you call Tarzan when he visits Mars?
Marzipan.
What do you call a person who falls on to you on a bus or train?
A laplander.
What do you call something purple that swings through vineyards?
Tarzan the grape man.
What do you call a man who lends his DIY tools to a neighbour?
A saw loser.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a scared biscuit?
A cowardy custard cream.
What do you call a man whose father was a Canon?
A son of a gun.
What do you call CCTV film of pedestrians?
Footage.
What do you call an educated hole in the wall?
A wisecrack.
What do you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers.
What do you call someone drilling holes in a piece of wood?
Boring.
What do you call a man with two left feet?
Whatever you like – if he tries to catch you, he’ll just run round in circles.
What do you call a weekly television programme about people getting washed?
A soap opera.
What do you call a flock of birds who fly in formation?
The red sparrows.
What does the Invisible Man call his mother and father?
His transparents
What do you call a bee that is always complaining?
A grumble bee.
What do you call a school principal who makes fireworks?
A head banger.
What do you call a man that drills holes in teapots?
A potholer.
What do you call a song played on car horns?
A car tune.
What do you call an elephant that has had too much to drink?
Trunk.
What do you call the owner of a tool factory?
The vice chairman.
What do you call a zipper on a banana?
A fruit fly.
What do you call a man who rescues drowning spooks from the sea?
A ghost guard.
What do you call someone who makes half-size models of fish?
A scale modeller.
What do you call a man with a collection of fish photographs?
The Prints of Whales.
What do you call a man with a comic book on his head?
Joe King.
What do you call a man with a football pitch on his head?
Alf Time.
What do you call a Roman emperor with flu?
Julius Sneezer.
What do you call a podium that eats people?
Hannibal Lectern.
What do you call a man with a swarm of bees round his head?
A.B. Hive.
What do you call a man who is part man, part jungle cat?
Richard the Lion Half.
What do you call a man who checks the size of rabbit holes?
A burrow surveyor.
What do you call a broken down hot rod?
A shot rod.
What do you call a man who does everything in thirty seconds?
Arthur Minute.
What do you call the ring that worms leave round the bath?
The scum of the earth.
What do you call a rifle with three barrels?
A trifle.
What do you call a fish on the dining table?
A plaice mat.
What do you call a real goose?
Propagander.
What do you call a fight between film actors?
Star wars.
What do you call a man at the wheel of an ice-cream van?
A sundae driver.
What do you call a group of cars?
A clutch.
What do you call a puzzle that is so hard it makes people swear?
A crossword.
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?
Shark absorbers.
What do you call a film about mallards?
A duck-umentary.
What do you call a musical instrument that is played by two teams of twenty people?
A piano forte.
What do you call a book that spies on people?
A peeping tome.
What do you call a very fast horse?
Gee gee whizz.
What do you call a pair of robbers?
A pair of nickers.
What do you call a chocolate that teases small animals?
A mole-teaser.
What do you call something that runs around your garden all day and never stops?
The fence.
What do you call a pen with no hair?
A bald point.
What do you call it when an aeroplane disappears over the horizon?
Boeing, going, gone.
What do you call a plant that’s a lodger at a guest-house?
The herbaceous border.
What do you call a hearing aid made from fruit?
A lemonade.
What do you call a five-aside soccer match played by chimney sweeps?
Soot ball.
What do you call a small parent?
A minimum.
What do you call a tall parent?
A maximum.
What do you call a traffic warden who never fines anyone?
A terrific warden.
What do you call a line of Barbie dolls?
A Barbecue.
What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another?
A parson to parson call.
What do you call it when you pass out after eating too much curry?
A korma.
What do you call a woman who delivers puppies?
A mid-woof.
What do you call a man who is scared of Christmas?
Noel Coward.
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
What do you call a snake that becomes a Canadian law officer?
Mountie Python.
What do you call a convict that dresses up as a clown?
Silicon.
What do you call a butterfingered nurse?
A medicine dropper.
What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian.
What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way?
A giraffic jam.
What do you call a man with a double-decker bus on his head?
The deceased.
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