What sort of group do vampires join?
A blood group.
Who do vampires fall in love with?
The girl necks door.
What happened to the woman who stole from a shop while balancing on the shoulders of a trio of vampires?
She was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
What is red, sweet and bites people?
A jampire.
What is Dracula’s favourite pudding?
Leeches and scream.
Why does Dracula live in a coffin?
Because the rent is low.
Can a toothless vampire still bite you?
No, but he can give you a nasty suck!
What is it called when a vampire kisses you good night?
Necking.
What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars?
Jack-u-la!
What do you call a vampire in a raincoat?
Mack-u-la!
What do you call a vampire Father Christmas?
Sack-u-la!
Waiter, Waiter, will my hamburger be long?
No. It will be round and flat, sir.
Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Then why aren’t you laughing?
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Please be quiet otherwise everyone will want one.
Waiter, there’s a small slug in this lettuce.
I’m sorry, sir, would you like me to get you a bigger one?
Waiter, there’s a caterpillar on my salad.
Don’t worry, sir, there is no extra charge.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Don’t worry, sir, that spider on your bread will soon get him.
Waiter, this coffee is terrible, it tastes like dirt.
Yes, sir, it was ground yesterday.
Waiter, bring me something to eat and make it snappy.
How about a crocodile sandwich, sir?
Waiter, why does this chicken only have one leg? It was in a fight, sir. Well, take it away and bring me the winner.
Waiter, is there soup on the menu?
No, madam, I wiped it off.
Waiter, this egg is bad.
Don’t blame me, sir, I only laid the table.
Waiter, Waiter, I’ve been waiting here for nearly an hour!
So what? I’ve been waiting here for thirty years.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup
What do you expect for a dollar, a beetle?
Waiter, there’s a flea in my soup.
Well tell him to hop it.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Yes, sir, he has committed insecticide.
Waiter, there’s a slug in my salad.
I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t realize you were a vegetarian.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Don’t worry, sir, it’s not hot enough to burn him.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my custard.
I’ll fetch him a spoon, sir.
Waiter, there’s a cockroach on my steak.
They don’t seem to care what they eat, do they, sir?
Waiter, there’s a maggot in my soup.
Don’t worry, sir, he won’t last long in there.
Waiter, Waiter, do you know I’ve been waiting for my steak for an hour?
No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.
Waiter, a spider’s drowning in my soup.
It hardly looks deep enough to drown in, sir.
Waiter, there’s a slug in my salad.
Sorry, madam, no pets allowed.
Waiter, there’s a wasp in my pudding.
So that’s where they go in winter.
Waiter, there’s a dead cockroach in my soup.
Surely you don’t expect a live one at these prices?
Waiter, there’s a worm on my plate.
That’s not a worm, sir, it’s your sausage.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my wine.
Well you did ask for something with a little body in it.
Waiter, Waiter why is this piece of toast all broken?
Well, you did say toast and coffee and step on it.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Yes, sir, that’s the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor.
Waiter, my lunch is talking to me.
Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Yes, it’s the rotting meat that attracts them.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
No, sir, that’s a cockroach. The fly is on your steak.
Waiter, why is a dead fly on my steak?
I don’t know, sir, perhaps it died after tasting it.
Waiter, there’s a spider on my plate, send me the manager.
That’s no good, he’s scared of them too.
Waiter, I’d like a cup of coffee with no cream.
Sorry, sir, we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?
Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
It looks like the backstroke, sir.
Waiter, didn’t you tell me that the chef here cooked for the late heads of Europe?
Yes, sir, and that’s why they’re the late heads of Europe.
Waiter, do you serve snails?
Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
Waiter, how come this fly is swimming in my soup?
Sorry, sir, I gave you too much. It should be wading.
Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup.
That’s okay, sir. The soup’s not hot.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Sorry, sir, I must have missed it when I removed the other five.
Waiter, do you have frogs’ legs? Yes, sir. Well hop off into the kitchen and bring my meal then please.
Waiter, are there snails on the menu?
Yes, sir, they must have escaped from the kitchen.
Waiter, what’s this spider doing in my alphabet soup?
Probably trying to read, sir.
Waiter, there’s a beetle in my soup.
Sorry, sir, we’re out of flies today.
Waiter, this salad is frozen solid.
Yes, sir, it’s the iceberg lettuce that does it.
Waiter, I’ll have the steak and kiddley pie, please.
I think you mean steak and kidney?
That’s what I said, diddle I?
Waiter, I can’t seem to find any chicken in this chicken soup.
Well, would you expect to find angels in angel cake?
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Well, throw him a doughnut – they make great lifebelts.
Waiter, Waiter, why is this burger half eaten?
I didn’t have time to finish it, sir.
Waiter, there’s a mosquito in my soup.
Don’t worry, sir, they don’t eat much.
Waiter, Waiter, what’s this?
It’s bean soup, sir.
I don’t care what it’s been. What is it now?
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.
Yes, sir, it’s the heat that kills them.
Waiter, your tie is in my soup.
Don’t worry, sir, it’s not shrinkable.
Waiter, there’s a fly in the butter.
Yes, sir, it’s a butterfly.
Waiter, there’s a button in my salad.
It must have come off while the salad was dressing.
Waiter, waiter, what’s wrong with this fish?
Long time, no sea, sir.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Don’t worry, sir, I’ll call the animal sanctuary.
Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup.
Yes, sir, and I’m sure there is an A, a C and all the other letters, too.
Waiter, there are two flies in my soup.
That’s all right, sir, have the extra one on me.
Waiter, look at this chicken! It’s nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers, too, sir?
Waiter, what’s this spider doing in my soup?
Drowning by the look of it, sir.
Waiter, this water is very cloudy.
No, sir, you just have a very dirty glass.
Waiter, your thumb was on my steak.
Well, you didn’t want it to fall on the floor again, did you?
Waiter, there’s a fly in my chicken soup.
No, sir, that’s the chicken.
Waiter, this fish dish isn’t as good as the one I had here last month.
That’s strange, sir. It’s from the same fish.
Waiter, Waiter, what’s that in my soup?
I’d better call the manager, sir – I can’t tell one insect from another.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my salad.
Yes, sir, the chef is using Webb lettuce today.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Hold on, sir, I’ll get the fly spray.
Waiter, this plate is wet.
No, that’s your soup.
Waiter, could I have the steak please?
With pleasure, sir.
No with fries please.
Waiter, I can’t eat this meat, it’s crawling with maggots.
Quick, run to the other end of the table and grab it as it goes by.
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.
Oh no, who will look after his family?
Waiter, this steak is so tough I can’t even cut it. Take it away and bring me another.
I can’t, sir. You’ve bent it.
Waiter, I can’t eat this chicken. Call the manager.
It’s no use. He can’t eat it either.
Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice-cream sundae?
Skiing, sir.
Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes, sir, they’re not terribly good swimmers.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Don’t worry, madam, go ahead and eat it, there are plenty more.
Waiter, there’s a dead fly swimming in my soup.
Don’t be silly, dead flies can’t swim.
Waiter, this food isn’t fit for a pig.
In that case I shall take it away and bring you some that is.
Waiter, how long must I wait for that turtle soup?
Well, you know how slow turtles are, sir.
Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my soup?
I’m a waiter, sir, not a fortuneteller.
Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup.
Don’t worry, sir, I’ll fish it out and exchange it for a bean.
Waiter, what’s this bug doing in my salad?
Trying to find its way out, sir.
Waiter, what’s this creepycrawly doing in my salad?
Not him again, he’s in here every night.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Okay, sir, I’ll bring you a fork.
Waiter, what’s this bug doing waltzing around my table!
It’s the band, sir, they are playing his tune.
Waiter, there‘s a dead fly in my soup.
No it’s not, sir. It’s a piece of dirt that looks like a dead fly.
Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter?
I can’t do that, sir, he’s not had his main course yet.
Waiter, what’s this bug doing on my wife’s shoulder?
I don’t know, sir, but he’s a friendly thing, isn’t he?
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
That’s not a fly, that’s a vitamin bee.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
I’m surprised, sir. I thought the chef used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make.
They are, sir, but she couldn’t cook either.
Waiter, how come the Department of Health hasn’t closed this place down?
They’re afraid to eat here, sir.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Just you wait until you see the main course.
Waiter, there’s a wasp in my soup.
Yes, sir, it’s the fly’s day off.
Waiter: Sir, you haven’t touched your custard. Is everything all right with it?
Customer: I’m just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline.
Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: I moved this slice of tomato and there it was!
Where do American werewolves live?
Hair-izona.
Why was the werewolf arrested in the butcher’s shop?
He was chop-lifting.
How do you stop a werewolf howling in the back of a car?
Put him in the front.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and werewolf.
What did the werewolf write on his Christmas cards?
Best vicious of the season.
What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all-over perm.
What parting gift did a mother werewolf give to her son when he left home?
A comb.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes.
What happened when the werewolf chewed a bone for an hour?
When he got up he only had three legs.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
How do you know that a werewolf’s been in the fridge?
There are paw prints in the butter.
How do you know that two werewolves have been in the fridge?
There are two sets of paw prints in the butter.
What does it mean if there is a werewolf in your fridge in the morning?
You had some party last night!
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling in the aisles.
Did you hear about the sick werewolf?
He lost his voice but it’s howl right now.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Why did the boy take an aspirin after hearing a werewolf howl?
Because it gave him an eerie ache.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout fetch!
Why are werewolves thought of as quick-witted?
Because they always give snappy answers.
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf.
What do you call a hairy beast in a river?
A weir-wolf.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf.
What did the werewolf say when he ate his mother?
Burp!
What happens if you cross a werewolf with a sheep?
What would you get if you crossed a werewolf with a dozen eggs?
A hairy omelette.
What’s fearsome, hairy and drinks from the wrong side of a glass?
A werewolf with hicups.
When do werewolf children stay home from school?
On howl-idays.
Doctor: I’m sorry madam, but I have to tell you that you are a werewolf.
Patient: Give me a piece of paper.
Doctor: Do you want to write your will?
Patient: No, a list of people I want to bite.
“Doctor, I’ve just been bitten on the leg by a werewolf.”
“Did you put anything on it?”
“No, he seemed to like it as it was.”
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