Why do you forget a tooth as soon as the dentist extracts it?
Because it goes right out of your head.
What award does the Dentist of the Year receive?
A little plaque.
Where does a dentist get gas for his car?
At a filling station.
Because they always looks down in the mouth.
What do you call a dentist in the army?
A drill sergeant.
Why did the boy wear a belt on his teeth?
He couldn’t find his braces.
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
Why did the schoolboy bite the dentist?
Because he got on his nerves.
A man coughed violently, causing his false teeth to shoot across the room and smash into a wall. “Oh dear,” he exclaimed. “What am I going to do? I can’t afford a new set.”
“Don’t worry,” said his friend. “My brother will be able to get a set for you.”
The next day, the friend came back with a set of false teeth, which fitted the man perfectly.
“These are wonderful,” said the man. “Your brother must be a really good dentist.”
“Oh, he’s not a dentist,” replied the friend. “He’s an undertaker.”
Why did the tree to go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.
What game do you play if you don’t take care of your teeth?
Tooth or Consequences.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Patient: Do you extract teeth painlessly?
Dentist: Not always. The other day I nearly disclocated my wrist.
“Open wider, please,” said the dentist as he began examining the patient. “My goodness! You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
“Okay, doc,” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you saying things like that twice.”
“I didn’t,” said the dentist. “That was the echo!”
What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
There’s gold in them fills!
Why is 4,840 square yards like a bad tooth?
Because it is an acre.
What do you call an old dentist?
A bit long in the tooth.
What two letters of the alphabet are bad for your teeth?
D K.
Dentist: Open wide.
Patient: Is that wide enough?
Dentist: Yes, please don’t open your mouth any wider. When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside.
Patient: Tell me honestly. How am I?
Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.
What has teeth but cannot bite?
A comb.
Why didn’t the dentist enjoy his date with the manicurist?
Because they fought tooth and nail.
What did one tooth say to the other?
Get your cap on. The dentist is taking us out tonight.
A drunk driver going the wrong way along a one-way street was pulled over by a police officer.
“Didn’t you see the arrows?” asked the officer.
“Arrows?” said the driver. “I didn’t even see the Indians!”
A nervous passenger on an airplane asked the flight attendant, “How often do planes of this type crash?”
The flight attendant replied, “Only once, madam.”
Why did the Mexican engineer always drive his train backwards?
He had a loco motive.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
Why did the pilot crash into the house?
Because the landing lights were on.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Which bus crossed the Altantic?
Columbus.
Train passenger: Guard! How long will the next train be?
Guard: About six carriages, sir.
Where do sick steamships go?
To the dock.
A passenger on a luxury cruise ship spotted a bearded man on a small, remote island, shouting something inaudible and desperately waving his arms. The passenger sought out the captain and asked, “Who is that man?”
“I don’t know,” said the captain, “but every year when we pass, he does that.”
How did the driver get a puncture?
He didn’t see the fork in the road.
Through the engineers.
Why was the boy confused while writing a school project on the train?
He kept losing track of what he had done.
There were 99 people in a boat and then it overturned. How many were left?
66.
Why were the inventors of the aeroplane correct in thinking they could fly?
Because they were Wright.
An elderly female passenger asked the station master, “Can I take this train to London?”
The station master replied, “I think it might be a bit heavy for you, madam!”
What form of transport is easily understood?
An articulate truck.
Passenger: Does this bus stop at the river?
Bus driver: If it doesn’t, there’ll be a very big splash!
What happened to the road-safety-conscious girl who always wore white at night?
Last winter she was knocked down by a snow plough.
Visiting his brother in a neighbouring county, an old hillbilly was fascinated by the railroad. He had never seen a train before and so when one came whistling and steaming down the track toward him, his brother had to drag him to safety at the last minute.
“You could have been killed!” said the brother. “It was a good thing I happened to be around.”
The brother took the shaken hillbilly back to his cabin to recover. The brother put a kettle on the stove to make some tea and then went outside to chop some wood. He returned to find the hillbilly raining blows on the kettle with the butt of a shotgun.
“Why are you smashing my kettle?” demanded the brother.
“These darned things are dangerous,” said the hillbilly. “I’m killin’ this one before it gets a chance to grow up!”
A man went to the ticket office in London and said, “I’d like to get a train to Paris.”
The clerk said, “Eurostar?”
“Well, I was on telly once,” replied the man, “but I’m no Jim Carrey.”
Why didn’t any of the children take the bus to school?
Because it wouldn’t fit through the front door.
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger, you are a fuel truck.
Tower: What’s your height and position?
Pilot: I’m six-foot tall and I’m sitting front left.
What kind of dancing do cars like?
Brake dancing.
Customer: How come this car is covered with dents? You said it had one careful owner.
Car salesman: The others weren’t so careful.
What kind of ship never sinks?
Friendship.
First boy: What sort of car has your dad got?
Second boy: I can’t remember the name. I think it starts with T.
First Boy: Really? Ours starts with gas.
A boy sat on a bus chewing gum and staring vacantly into space. After a while the old woman sitting opposite him said, “It’s no use talking to me, young man. I’m stone deaf!”
Why did the trucker drive his truck over the cliff?
Because he wanted to try out the air brakes.
A man whose son had just passed his driving test arrived home to find that the boy had driven his car right into the dining room.
“How did you manage to do that?” he raged.
“Easy, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left.”
A woman boarded the bus with her teenaged son but tried to get away with paying only one fare. However, the driver insisted that she pay for the boy, too.
“But children under age six ride free,” the mother protested.
“I know,” said the driver, “but he doesn’t look a day under fourteen.”
The mother said, “Can I help it if he worries a lot?”
A man walked up to the airport ticket desk and asked for a roundtrip ticket.
“Where to?” asked the ticket clerk.
“Back to here, of course,” replied the man.
Why did the child study in the airplane?
He wanted a higher education.
Bus passenger: I’d like a ticket to New York, please.
Ticket seller: By Buffalo?
Bus passenger: Of course not. I’m in the bus queue, aren’t I?
Passenger: Does this bus go to Birmingham?
Driver: No.
Passenger: But it says
Driver: There’s an advertisement for baked beans on the side, but we don’t sell them.
Passenger: Will this bus take me to Chicago?
Driver: Which part?
Passenger: All of me, of course!
Bus passenger: Driver, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel?
Bus driver: Not on my salary!
Bus passenger: Driver, this bus was very slow!
Bus driver: I expect we’ll pick up speed, madam, now you’re getting off.
Why is an old car like a baby playing?
Because it goes with a rattle.
The neighbour was furious when the teenaged cyclist nearly rode into him.
“Don’t you know how to ride that thing yet?” he roared.
“Yes,” said the boy, peering back over his shoulder as he rode off. “It’s the bell I can’t work yet!”
Motorist: When you sold me this car, you told me it was rust-free. But the underneath is covered in rust.
Car dealer: Yes, sir, the car is rust-free. We didn’t charge you for the rust, did we?
What means of transportation gives people colds?
A choo-choo train.
The navigator of an ocean liner was steering the ship through dense fog. Suddenly, he turned to the captain and said, “I think our compass may be faulty, captain.”
“What makes you think that?” asked the captain.
The navigator replied, “Because we’ve just been overtaken by a number 53 bus!”
Which musical is about a train conductor?
My Fare, Lady.
Who did the Cycling Association appoint to talk to the media?
A spokesman.
A man appeared in court on a charge of parking his car in a restricted area. Asked if he had anything to say by way of defence, the man replied, “They shouldn’t put up such misleading signs.”
“What do you mean?” said the judge.
“Well, the sign said: ‘Fine For Parking Here’.”
What happened to the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
It wooden go!
What happened to the wooden car with the steel wheels and the steel engine?
What did the jack say to the car?
Can I give you a lift?
Motorist: Does a cow have a horn?
Police officer: No, a cow has two horns.
Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my aunt.
Police officer: Why were you driving on the sidewalk?
Motorist: Because it’s too dangerous on the street.
Police officer: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you’d catch me on a slow one.
Why was the motorist driving in circles?
He wanted to take his car for a spin.
Why did the motorist think the traffic light was cowardly?
Because it had just turned yellow.
A man said to his friend, “As I was driving to work this morning, I passed a guy in an RAC van. He was sobbing uncontrollably and looked really miserable. I thought to myself, ‘That man’s heading for a breakdown.’”
What happened when two tankers collided at sea, one carrying red paint, the other carrying blue paint?
The crews were marooned.
When a skinny bus driver pulled up at the bus stop, a giant of a man climbed on board and, marching straight to his seat, announced, “Big John doesn’t pay.” The driver thought it best not to argue.
The same thing happened the following day. The man mountain got on the bus, glared at the driver, said, “Big John doesn’t pay,” and went to a seat.
This went on for over two weeks, by which time the driver was starting to resent Big John’s attitude. Why should Big John not pay the fare when all the other passengers had to? The driver wanted to stand up to Big John but realized that, in view of their markedly different physiques, Big John would probably just laugh at him. So the driver went to the gym and enrolled on an intensive bodybuilding course in the hope that he would soon be able to face Big John man to man.
Ten days later, the driver had spent over $400 on the bodybuilding course and his skin and bone had been replaced by an impressive array of rippling muscles. At last he felt a match for Big John and eagerly anticipated their daily encounter.
At his usual stop, the colossus boarded the bus and announced in his familiar booming tone, “Big John doesn’t pay.”
But this time the driver wasn’t going to take it lying down. Instead he rose to his feet and said, “Oh yeah? And why doesn’t Big John pay.”
The giant passenger immediately reached into his inside pocket, causing the driver to fear the worst. Then he leaned ominously toward the driver’s face and said, “Because Big John got bus pass.”
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he’s a pain in the neck.
What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails?
He cut all his fingers off.
What was the Californian hippie vampire like?
He was ghoul man. Real ghoul.
What happened to the two mad vampires?
They both went a little batty.
A police officer spotted Dracula driving along the street one night.
“Hey, Dracula,” he called out. “What do you think you’re doing on this road?”
Dracula replied, “Looking for the main artery, officer.”
What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
Count Spatula.
What do vampires cross the sea in?
Blood vessels.
What do vampires have at eleven o’clock every day?
A coffin break.
What did the vampire say to his vampire girlfriend?
Hello gore-juice.
What do vampire footballers have at halftime?
Blood oranges.
What do vampires like that are red and very silly?
Blood clots.
How does Dracula like to have his food served?
In bite-sized pieces.
Why did the vampire take up acting?
It was in his blood.
How do vampire footballers get the mud off?
They all get in the bat tub.
What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, “Who’s a pretty boy then?”
What happened to the lovesick vampire?
He became a neck-romancer.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?
I don’t know but it would slow him down.
Which vampire ate the three bears’ porridge?
Ghouldilocks.
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?
Ghouldfinger.
Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsniffer.
What does a vampire say when you tell him a ghoul joke?
Ghoul blimey!
Why isn’t it a good idea to kiss vampires?
Because they’ve got bat breath.
What’s Dracula’s favourite dance?
The fang-dango.
When do vampires bite you?
On Wincedays.
What’s a vampire’s favourite drink?
A Bloody Mary.
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
New-fangled rubbish.
What happened at the vampires’ race?
They finished neck and neck.
Where did vampires go to first in America?
New-fang-land.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Al Capone?
A fangster.
Where do Chinese vampires come from?
Fanghai.
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.
What do vampires have for lunch?
Fangers and mash.
What happened at the vampires’ reunion?
All the blood relations went.
Dracula had enjoyed a good night on the town, drinking Bloody Marys and biting the necks of unsuspecting women. Shortly before sunrise he was making his way home when something suddenly hit him on the back of the head. Looking round, he saw nothing, but on the ground was a small sausage roll.
Puzzled, Dracula continued on his way but a few moments later he felt another blow to the back of his head. Again there was no sign of an assailant but lying on the ground was a cocktail sausage. More mystified than ever, Dracula resumed his journey, only to feel another bang to the back of his head. He turned round immediately but again there was no sign of the culprit. However, as he looked down he noticed a small triangular sandwich on the ground. Distinctly unnerved, he stood motionless for a few seconds, peering into the darkness in the hope of catching a glimpse of his attacker. But there was nothing.
He had walked only a short distance farther along the road when he suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder. With a swirl of his cape, he turned in an instant and felt a sharp pain in his heart. He fell to the ground clutching his chest, which had been punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with chunks of cheese and pineapple. As Dracula lay dying, he looked up and saw a young woman.
“Who are you?” he gasped.
She replied, “I’m Buffet the Vampire Slayer.”
What is Dracula’s favourite fruit?
Neck-tarines.
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay.
Why did he have fang decay?
He was always eating fang-cy cakes.
What is the American national day for vampires?
Fangsgiving Day.
Why are vampire families so close?
Because blood is thicker than water.
How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice?
They use extractor fangs.
What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact?
Well, fang-cy that!
Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He wanted the circus to be in his blood.
Did you know that Dracula wants to become a comedian?
He’s looking for a crypt writer.
Which flavour ice cream is Dracula’s favourite?
Vein-illa.
What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?
The alphabat.
Why was the vampire so angry at leaving his cooking pot on the hob for too long?
It made his blood boil.
Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
He wanted to improve his bite.
Why is Hollywood full of vampires?
They need someone to play the bit parts.
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won’t get stake.
Why wouldn’t the vampire eat his soup?
It clotted.
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
It wanted to play squash.
Why are vampires always exhausted in April?
Because they’ve just completed a long March of thirty-one days.
Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart?
He had loved in vein.
What do you get if you cross a Rolls-Royce with a vampire?
A monster that attacks expensive cars and sucks out their gas tanks.
How do you join the Dracula Fan Club?
Send your name, address and blood group.
Why was the young vampire a failure?
Because he fainted at the sight of blood.
Why did the vampire give up acting?
He couldn’t find a part he could get his teeth into.
What happened to the vampire who swallowed a sheep?
He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaad.
What’s Dracula’s favourite coffee?
What’s Dracula’s car called?
A mobile blood unit.
What happened when Dracula took up boxing?
He was out for the count.
Why do vampires do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question they come up with a biting reply.
What is the vampire’s favourite slogan?
Please Give Blood Generously.
Where is Dracula’s American office?
The Vampire State Building.
Where do vampires keep their savings?
In blood banks.
What does the postman take to vampires?
Fang mail.
What did the vampire sing to the doctor who cured him of amnesia?
Fangs for the Memory.
Did you hear about the man who was rearranging furniture in Dracula’s house?
He was doing a spot of Fang-Shui.
What’s a vampire’s favourite dance?
The Vaults.
Why did the vampire read the New York Times?
Because it had good circulation.
What do romantic vampires do?
Neck.
What do you call a vampire junkie?
Count Drugula.
What did the vampire call his false teeth?
A newfangled device.
What exams did the vampire look forward to at school?
Blood tests.
What did Dracula say to his new apprentice?
We could do with some new blood around here.
Why do vampires hate arguments?
Because they make themselves cross.
What happened when the vampire went to the blood bank?
He asked to make a withdrawal.
What does a vampire say to the mirror?
Terror, terror on the wall.
What’s a vampire’s favourite cartoon character?
Batman.
What did Dracula call his daughter?
Bloody Mary.
What type of people do vampires like?
O positive people.
What do vampires play poker for?
High stakes.
How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?
He has to grin and bare it.
What’s pink, has a curly tail, and drinks blood?
A hampire.
What does Dracula do before he goes on vacation?
He cancels his daily pint of blood.
Why are vampires sometimes called simple-minded?
Because they’re known to be suckers.
Was Dracula ever married?
No, he was a bat-chelor.
What do vampires gamble with?
Stake money.
