Who is the Easter Bunny’s favourite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
What’s pink, has five toes and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
His lucky people’s foot.
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
An Easter basket case!
Why does Peter Cottontail hop down the bunny trail?
Because his parents wouldn’t let him borrow the car!
Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck?
Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite state capital?
Albunny, New York!
How do you catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises.
What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
Hot, cross bunnies.
How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make it wait for three hours.
When is rabbit soup not so good?
When there’s a hare in it.
What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a lumberjack?
One chews and hops and the other hews and chops.
How could you tell the rabbit was angry?
He was hopping mad.
Why couldn’t the rabbit fly home for Easter?
He didn’t have the hare fare.
How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket?
One. After that the basket won’t be empty.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because the chicken had his Easter eggs.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
What do you call a rabbit dressed up as a cake?
A cream bunny.
What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a shallot?
A bunion.
What do rabbits use to keep their fur in place?
Hare spray.
A man went into a butcher’s shop and asked for half a rabbit.
“Sorry,” said the butcher, “but I don’t want to split hares.”
What do you get when you give a rabbit a perm?
Curly hare.
What do you call a rabbit with loads of money?
A millionhare.
What do you call a dumb bunny?
A hare brain.
What was the rabbit’s favourite TV cop show?
Starsky and Hutch.
Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?
Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit has ever come back for a repeat prescription.
What happened when a man broke into a pet shop and stole a rabbit?
He made a run for it.
How far can a rabbit run into the woods?
Halfway. After that he’s running out of the woods.
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On bunnymoon.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Just look for the grey hares.
Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?
Because he kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
To get to the hopping centre.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another fifty feet, turned, waved, and hopped another fifty feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can. He ran over to the woman and asked, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray on to that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, “Hair spray. Restores life to limp hair. Adds permanent wave.”
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
He gets lots of eggsercise, particularly hareobics.
When does a rabbit go as fast as a train?
When it’s on the train.
Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?
Bunny and Clyde.
What did the rabbit say when he found he only had a thistle to eat?
Thistle have to do.
Why did the rabbit eat the wedding ring?
He heard it was eighteen carrots.
Two rabbits running away from a group of foxes hid in a haystack. One rabbit turned to the other and said, “Okay, we can either run for it or we can stay here and outnumber them.”
“We’re going to run for it, you idiot,” said the other rabbit. “I’m your brother!”
How is a rabbit like a plum?
They’re both purple, except for the rabbit.
What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the hare force.
What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.
What did the customer say to the pet-shop owner after buying a bunny?
Rabbit up nicely, it’s a present.
What do you call an egg-laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
The Easter Bungee.
What’s a rabbit’s favourite car?
Any make – so long as it’s a hutchback.
What must a police officer have before searching a rabbit’s home?
A search warren.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a spider?
A harenet.
What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone’s forehead?
Unsightly facial hare.
Baby rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
Mother rabbit: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Baby rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please tell me know.
Mother rabbit: Oh, very well. If you must know you were pulled from a magician’s hat.
What’s a rabbit’s favourite dance?
The bunny hop.
What’s a rabbit’s favourite TV show?
Hoppy Days.
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day?
A twenty-four-carrot ring.
Why are rabbits like calculators?
They both multiply a lot.
A baby rabbit was orphaned, but fortunately a family of squirrels took him in and raised him as one of their own. However, the adoption resulted in the rabbit displaying unusual behaviour, notably a tendency to scurry up trees like his step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground like other rabbits. Eventually, the young rabbit, realizing that he was different, became so confused about his role in the animal kingdom that he decided to discuss the problem with his adoptive parents.
“Am I a rabbit or am I squirrel?” he asked.
“You must be true to your roots,” they advised. “You must start behaving like a rabbit.”
“You mean…?”
“Yes,” they said, bursting into song. “Don’t scurry. Be hoppy.”
Why did the rabbits go on strike?
They wanted a better celery.
What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
“What are you doing in there?” she asked.
The rabbit replied, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”
The lady confirmed, “Yes.”
“Well,” the rabbit said. “I’m westing.”
What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
What do you call a rabbit who is real cool?
A hip hopper.
What do you call a rabbit with no clothes on?
A bare hare.
What do you call mobile homes for rabbits?
Wheelburrows.
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
This one will sleigh you.
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don’t feed it.
What is the wettest animal?
A raindeer.
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland.
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now name another.
Pupil: Another reindeer.
First boy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Second boy: Olive?
First boy: Yeah, you know: “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”
What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
Elka Seltzer.
What has antlers, pulls Santa Claus and a sleigh, and is made of cement?
I don’t know.
A reindeer.
What about the cement?
Oh, I just threw that in to make it hard.
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney Opera House?
The Lizard of Oz.
A train full of tortoises crashed into a bus crowded with terrapins.
The local news said it was a turtle disaster.
Why did the tortoise go to assertiveness classes?
To bring him out of his shell.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Where did the turtle buy a new shell?
From the hard-wear store.
A family of tortoises went into a café for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise looked outside and said, “Oh dear, it looks like it’s about to rain. Junior, would you mind popping home to fetch my umbrella?”
So off went Junior for Father’s umbrella, but ten hours later he still hadn’t returned. Mother Tortoise turned to Father Tortoise and said, “I think we ought to eat Junior’s ice cream before it melts.”
And a voice from the door said, “If you do that, I won’t go!”
What do you call a sick crocodile?
An illigator.
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. “Is it true,” he asked, “that an alligator won’t attack you if you are carrying a flashlight?”
“That depends,” replied the guide, “on how fast you carry the flashlight!”
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
He weighed too much for his scales.
A boy was on vacation in Florida when he was attacked by an alligator in the backyard of their cabin.
“Mom!” he cried. “An alligator’s bitten off my finger!”
“Which one?” called his mother from inside the cabin.
“I don’t know,” said the boy. “All alligators look the same to me!”
What is a chameleon’s favourite saying?
A change is as good as a rest.
What kind of tiles can’t you stick on walls?
Reptiles.
Why did all the lizards run from the house when they heard the music player?
Because it was a gecko blaster.
Why is turtle wax so expensive?
Because turtles have such tiny ears.
As the heavens opened, one turtle turned to the other and said, “Don’t you just love the sound of rain on your roof?”
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting, “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes, man. I’ll go and kill my own croc!”
The shopkeeper replied, “By all means, just watch out for those two men who are doing the same.”
So the man went out into the swamp, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. “They must be the two men the shopkeeper told me about,” he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive as the gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up on to the beach, where several were already lying dead. Together the two guys threw the alligator on to its back, and one of the men exclaimed, “Darn! This one isn’t wearing shoes either!”
What do you call a crocodile’s hiss?
An alarm croc.
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped. “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
What reptile always makes people laugh?
A stand-up chameleon.
What do you call a cat that tells jokes?
A witty kitty.
What do you call a rabbit that tells jokes?
A funny bunny.
What do you call a joke told by a small orange?
Satsuma humour.
What do you call it when you lease false teeth?
A dental rental.
What do you call a blonde from central Germany?
A flaxen Saxon.
What do you call someone who lives underground?
A cellar dweller.
What do you call a relaxed stringed instrument?
A mellow cello.
What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A dusky husky.
What do you call a happy Lassie?
A jolly collie.
What do you call an evil pastor?
A sinister minister.
What is another name for a Trojan horse?
A phoney pony.
What do you call a quiet argument?
A sedate debate.
What do you call a friend who falls into a puddle?
A muddy buddy.
What do you call a humdrum tile design?
A prosaic mosaic.
What do you call a spaghetti expert?
What do you call a swelling on the foot of a shallot?
An onion bunion.
What do you call a cruise ship restaurant?
A liner diner.
What do you call a fruity dance?
A mango tango.
What do you call a shoe wrecker?
A sandal vandal.
What do you call the ceramics’ sweepstakes?
A pottery lottery.
What do you call a bad flower crop?
A dahlia failure.
What do you call a disobedient stone?
A rebel pebble.
What do you call it when you sleep like a log?
Lumber slumber.
What do you call a kangaroo that would like to become smaller?
A wannabe wallaby.
What do you call a young cat that’s in love?
A smitten kitten.
What do you call a newlywed woman who gets sunburned on her honeymoon?
A fried bride.
What do you call choristers’ vestments?
Choir attire.
What do you call tomorrow’s fruit?
Mañana banana.
What do you call a disc jockey’s nightwear?
A DJ’s PJs.
What do you call a frozen means of transport?
An icicle bicycle.
What do you call a dapper pachyderm?
An elegant elephant.
What is another name for the White House?
The President’s residence.
What do you call a macaque that loves soul music?
A funky monkey.
What do you call a small fish that likes a Canadian rock band?
A Nickelback stickleback.
What do you call a fruit from the capital of Cuba?
A Havana banana.
What do you call the language of an Australian dog?
Dingo lingo.
What do you call a bees’ dance?
A hive jive.
What do you call a snake dance?
A mamba samba.
What is another name for a superior pullover?
A better sweater.
What do you call a Norseman riding a Harley-Davidson?
A biking Viking.
What do you call a good time at a convent?
Nun fun.
What do you call something used by an artistic stoat?
A weasel easel.
What do you call a fondly remembered item from 150 million years ago?
A Jurassic classic.
What do you call an agreeable game bird?
A pleasant pheasant.
What do you call a wind instrument that has been made homeless?
An oboe hobo.
What do you call a less effective orator?
A weaker speaker.
What do you call a cheese on a sleigh?
A Cheddar sledder.
What do you call a clergyman with wrinkled skin?
A creased priest.
What do you call a large rodent that’s running a high temperature?
Beaver fever.
What is another name for a marsupial that’s late?
An overdue kangaroo.
What is another name for a serious newspaper article?
A solemn column.
What do you call a large ungulate that has hit the bottle?
A wino rhino.
What do you call overweight birds?
Obese geese.
What do you call a dog that works as a lawyer?
A legal beagle.
What do you call a fairly angry root vegetable?
A maddish radish.
What do you call the captain of a sailing vessel?
A clipper skipper.
What is another name for a wooden headrest?
A willow pillow.
What do you call a small dog that is more cheerful than it used to be?
A merrier terrier.
What is another name for a bovine argument?
A cattle battle.
What do you call the strength of a small crustacean?
Prawn brawn.
What do you call a newspaper devoted to specialist eyewear?
A monocle chronicle.
What do you call a frightening songbird?
A scary canary.
What do you call a red sled?
A rouge luge.
What do you call danger in an Italian city?
Venice menace.
What do you call a damp pooch?
A soggy doggy.
What do you call a bloodthirsty tale?
A gory story.
What do you call an iguana that casts spells?
A lizard wizard.
What do you call a voracious lamb eater?
A mutton glutton.
What do you call an aggressive sheep?
A woolly bully.
What do you call two lithe people?
A supple couple.
What do you call an impassioned retainer?
A fervent servant.
What do you call an impertinent flower child?
A lippy hippie.
What do you call a cook who can’t hear?
A deaf chef.
What do you call a play about Andean animals?
A llama drama.
