What’s pink and close to silver?
The Lone Ranger’s bum.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What were Tarzan’s last words?
Who greased the vine!
Where did the sick ship go?
To the dock.
Who gets the sack the minute they start work?
A postman.
What does a king do when he burps?
He issues a royal pardon.
You are sitting in a pitch dark car. The doors and windows are shut and all you have is a chisel and a saw. How do you get out?
Open the door.
What goes zzub, zzub, zzub?
A bee flying backwards.
What is yellow and stupid?
Thick custard.
What is black and white and has sixteen wheels?
A zebra on roller skates.
What did the big telephone say to the little telephone?
You’re too young to be engaged.
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?
You’re too young to smoke.
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point.
Why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?
Because he was a party pooper.
What colour is the wind?
Blew.
Why is the letter T like an island?
Because it’s in the middle of water.
Why did the man stamp on his watch?
Because he had time to kill.
What’s renewable, derived from wind, sun, tides, waves and biofuels, and has just three letters?
N-R-G.
Forwards it’s heavy, backwards it’s not. What is it?
A ton.
Why did the man feel stuck with his debt?
Because he couldn’t budge it.
How do you address a female health inspector?
Hi Jean.
Why was the chimney ill?
It caught flue
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.
What happened to the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He is fully recovered.
How many aerosol deodorants do you need to make a big stink?
Just a phew.
Why is it hard to keep a secret in the winter?
Because your teeth chatter.
What parts of the river can be eaten?
The sauce and the currants.
What has two legs, one wheel and stinks?
A wheelbarrow full of manure.
What is wind?
Air in a hurry.
What stays hot in the fridge?
Mustard.
What did one virus say to the other?
Stay away! I think I’ve got penicillin.
What did Geronimo cry as he jumped out of the airplane?
Me!!!!
Why is a toupée like a secret?
Because you keep it under your hat.
What has a mouth and a fork, but never eats?
A river.
What’s the quickest way to make anti-freeze?
Hide her clothes.
Why can’t a bike stand up for itself?
Because it’s two tyred.
What goes up when the rain comes down?
An umbrella.
What goes into the water pink and comes out blue?
A swimmer on a cold day.
If a Red Indian falls into the Black Sea, what does he become?
Wet.
How did the girl’s father know she hadn’t had a bath?
She forgot to wet the soap.
What is the centre of gravity?
V.
So that birds don’t bump their heads.
What can fall on water without getting wet?
A shadow.
Why did the girl who wanted to be a singer just sit around all day doing nothing?
She was auditioning for American Idle.
What can run across the floor, but has no legs?
Water.
What happened when the glassblower inhaled?
He got a pane in the stomach.
What do you get hanging from trees?
Sore arms.
What did one oil slick say to the other oil slick?
Oil see you again.
What’s wet, black, floats on water and shouts “knickers!”?
Crude oil.
What’s wet, black, floats on water and shouts “underwear!”?
Refined oil.
What’s hot and moves at one hundred miles per hour?
A person running a temperature.
What’s worn over a school shirt and bursts into flames easily?
A blazer.
What is a myth?
A female moth.
Who sings and helps insulate the home from draughts?
Julio Doubleglasias.
What contest do aerosol deodorants enter?
The Eurovision Pong Contest.
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drumkit.
What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.
Have you heard the one about the millionaire who hated washing?
He was filthy rich.
What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody’s fool.
Which Disney film features lots of swearing and cursing?
101 Damnations.
What happened when the waltzers broke down at a theme park?
They had to hire a spin doctor.
If you peel my skin off, I won’t cry, but you will. What am I?
An onion.
Why couldn’t the man make up his mind about laying a new lawn?
Because it was a turf decision.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
Because he wanted cold hard cash.
What did the baby porcupine say to the cactus?
Is that you, Mummy?
What is black and white and sleeps a lot?
A snoozepaper.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Lunch is on me.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
Why did the man destroy his piano?
He was looking for his keys.
Why did Piglet look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
What do people do in clock factories?
They make faces all day.
Why did the tap dancer retire?
He kept falling in the sink.
Why did the boy stand on his head?
So that he could turn things over in his mind.
What is so fragile that even saying its name can break it?
Silence.
If you were surrounded by ten lions, ten tigers, ten elephants, ten kangaroos and ten hippopotamuses, what would you do?
Step off the carousel.
What’s got a trunk, lots of keys and four legs?
A piano up a tree.
What is a zebra?
Twenty-six sizes larger than an A bra.
What do you have when sitting, but lose when you stand up?
Your lap.
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel.
What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What’s black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic schizophrenic?
He was in two minds about whether there’s a dog.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What else is brown and sticky?
Another stick.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.
What is dark but made out of light?
A shadow.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)
If April showers bring rain, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
How do you make seven even?
Remove the “s”.
What works only when it’s fired?
A rocket.
What’s sweet, cold, heavy, has lots of wheels and drives along the road with a stick poking out?
An articulated lolly.
What bow can’t be tied?
A rainbow.
What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?
A teapot.
If a dictionary goes from A to Z, what goes from Z to A?
A zebra.
What did the window say to the door?
What are you squeaking about, I’m the one with the pane.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
What is green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussel Scout.
What did the carpet say to the floor?
It’s okay, I’ll cover you.
What is white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean?
A blackboard.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Why is a shoemaker like a church minister?
Both try to save soles.
What did the actress think when she saw her first strands of grey hair?
She thought she’d dye.
Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A taxi driver.
What starts with E, ends with E but usually only has one letter?
An envelope.
What flowers grow on your face?
Tulips.
What is a lumberjack’s favourite month of the year?
Septimber.
Why did the little girl put lipstick on her head?
She wanted to make up her mind.
What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
Pop.
What city has no people?
Electricity.
Why are igloos round?
So that polar bears can’t hide in the corners.
Why did it take three burly policemen to help the old lady across the street?
Because she didn’t want to go.
What’s grey and squirts jam at you?
A mouse eating a doughnut!
Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
He got sick of the hole business.
Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
For holding up a pair of trousers.
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Fingernails.
What do you call a very popular perfume?
A best-smeller.
How do you know when a fir tree is in love?
It pines every day.
What’s white and fluffy and beats its chest?
A meringue-utan.
What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.
What does the winner of the race lose?
His breath.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What happened when the fence builders became upset with their working conditions?
They started to picket.
What did the light say when it was turned off?
I’m delighted.
Why did the calendar think it was about to die?
Because its days were numbered.
Why did the Dalmatian refuse to bathe in the dishwasher detergent?
He didn’t want to come out spotless.
Why did the electrician lose his temper?
Because he had a short fuse.
What word is always pronounced incorrectly?
Incorrectly.
Why did the shoe cry?
It bit its tongue.
How many birthdays does the average man have?
Just one!
What is the strongest animal in the world?
A racehorse because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once.
Why did the woman go out in the rain with her purse open?
She was hoping for some change in the weather.
What do cars, trees and elephants all have in common?
They all have trunks.
What did the pencil say to the paper?
I dot my i’s on you.
What kind of coat goes on wet and never has buttons?
A coat of paint.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was too far out.
What did the bug say when it hit the windshield?
I don’t have the guts to do that again.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they’re always butting in.
What kind of building is the tallest in the world?
A library; it has the most stories.
Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet?
Scooperman!
How do angels greet each other?
They say halo.
What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
The letter M.
Why was the dry cleaner depressed?
Because he couldn’t iron out all of his problems.
What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket?
A screwdriver.
What bone keeps getting longer and shorter?
A trombone.
Why did the brain cell try to go to the other side of the brain?
I don’t know. It hadn’t really crossed my mind.
What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics.
What’s the longest word in the English language?
Smiles – because there’s a mile between the first and last letters.
What kind of clothing last the longest?
Underwear – it’s never worn out.
What happened to the man who put on a clean pair of socks every day?
By the end of the week he couldn’t get his shoes on.
What’s brown, has a hump and lives at the North Pole?
A lost camel.
What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
I lava you.
What is better than a dog that can count?
A spelling bee.
What did the tree say to the woodcutters?
Leaf me alone!
Did you hear the joke about the playing cards?
It’s no big deal.
What would you get if you crossed a giraffe with a rooster?
An animal that wakes up people who live on the top floor.
What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off.
Why does a ballerina wear a tutu?
Because a one-one’s too small and a three-three’s too big.
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
An animal that knits its own sweaters.
What bowl can you wash thousands of times, but it’s still not clean enough to eat out of?
A toilet bowl.
Do you think it’s hard to spot a leopard?
No they come that way.
What happened to the man who couldn’t keep up his payments to the exorcist?
He got repossessed.
What kind of shot do you give a sick car?
A fuel injection.
Where is the best place to have a bubble-gum contest?
On a choo-choo train.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
What did the postcard say to the stamp?
Stick with me kid, and we’ll go places.
Why didn’t the clock work?
Because it needed a hand.
n what way is a bell obedient?
It makes a noise only when it is tolled.
What’s full of holes but still holds water?
A sponge.
What happened to the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
When is a river like the letter T?
When it has to be crossed.
Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
Because its batteries were dead.
What’s the easiest house to pick up?
A light house.
What kind of wood gets scared?
Petrified wood.
What plant goes round in circles?
A lupin.
What do you call someone who keeps talking when no one is listening?
A teacher.
Why is an empty purse always the same?
Because there’s never any change in it.
Why did the cowboy fire bullets at the fast-flowing river?
He was trying to shoot the rapids.
Why is it a bad idea to write a letter on an empty stomach?
Because it’s much better to write on paper.
What is the one thing everybody in the world is doing at the same time?
Growing older.
What did the fireman say when the church caught fire?
Holy smoke!
When are your eyes not eyes?
When the wind makes them water.
Which burns longer, the candles on a girl’s birthday cake or the candles on a boy’s birthday cake?
Neither. They both burn shorter.
What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
What did the dirt say when it started to rain?
If this keeps up, my name is going to be mud.
What did the angle say to his professor?
Give me my degree!
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calender at Christmas?
He got twelve months.
What do you shout to the Frenchman at the back of the race?
Camembert!
What’s the purpose of origami?
Two-fold.
Did you hear the story about the smog?
You don’t have to tell me, it’s all over town.
How can you eat and study at the same time?
Eat alphabet soup.
How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it?
Play the piano until you find the right key and then you can get out.
What is the best thing to take with you into the desert?
A thirst aid kit.
How do they drink water in the South?
From Dixie cups.
How do hedgehogs play leapfrog?
Very carefully.
Why did the toilet run down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn’t?
The dime had more cents.
