Fred: Today the teacher was
yelling at me for something I didn’t do.
Mike: What was that?
Fred: My homework.
Q: Why did the cookie complain about
feeling sick?
A: He was feeling crummy.
Q: Why is spaghetti the smartest food
there is?
A: It always uses its noodle.
Q: What do you call a student who never
turns in his math homework on time?
A: A calcu-later
Q: How did the
karate teacher greet his students?
A: “Hi-Yah!”
Q: Why did the bed wear a disguise?
A: It was undercover.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that
doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.
Q: When do pine trees like to do
embroidery?
A: When they do needlepoint.
Q: What is a baby’s motto?
A: If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry
again.
Q: Where do you keep your jokes?
A: In a giggle box.
Q: Why did the lady wear a helmet every
time she ate?
A: She was on a crash diet.
Q: Why did the hot dog turn down the
chance to star in a movie?
A: None of the roles (rolls) were good
enough
Josh: Did you
hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Anna: What about it?
Josh: It has great food but no atmosphere.
Q: What do you call a fairy that doesn’t
take a bath?
A: Stinkerbell.
Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: “Do you want to go out tonight?”
Q: What is a plumber’s favorite vegetable?
A: A leek.
Q: How did the French fry propose to the
hamburger?
A: He gave her an onion ring
Q: What has
four legs and one head but only one foot?
A: A bed.
Q: What do potatoes wear to bed?
A: Yammies.
Q: What fruit teases people a lot?
A: A bana na na na na na!
Q: Why was the
metal wire so upset?
A: It was getting all bent out of shape
over nothing.
Q: What do you call the story of the three
little pigs?
A: A pigtail
Q: What did the
peanut butter say to the bread?
A: “Quit loafing around.”
Q: What did the bread say back to the
peanut butter?
A: “I think you’re nuts.”
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the
ark?
A: Flood lights.
Q: How did the orange get into the crowded
restaurant?
A: He squeezed his way in.
Q: Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
A: It has too many tellers.
Q: Why was the sewing machine so funny?
A: It kept everyone in stitches
Q: Why did the
hamburger always lose the race?
A: It could never ketchup.
Q: How do you punish a naughty eyeball?
A: Give it fifty lashes.
Q: Why was the rope so stressed out?
A: It was getting itself all tied in
knots.
Q: What did the math book say to the
psychiatrist?
A: “Would you like to hear my problems?”
Q: What do you call a fossil that never
does any work?
A: A lazy
bones.
Q: What did the pen say to the pencil?
A: “You’re sure looking sharp today.”
Q: What is green and can sing?
A: Elvis Parsley.
Q: Why didn’t the string ever win a race?
A: It was always tied.
Q: What is the best food to eat when
you’re scared?
A: I scream
Q: How do you
get a tissue to dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.
Q: What did the tree say to the flower?
A: “I’m rooting for you.”
Q: What is the craziest way to travel?
A: By loco-motive.
Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?
A: “You’ve got a good point.”
Q: What is the cheapest way to travel?
A: By sale-boat.
Q: Who are the cleanest people in the
choir?
A: The soap-ranos.
Q: What is the noisiest game you can play?
A: Racket-ball.
Q: What did the earthquake say to the
tornado?
A: “Don’t look at me, it’s not my fault.
Q: What did the
tree say to the lumberjack?
A: “Leaf me alone!”
Q: Why was it so hot in the stadium after
the baseball game?
A: All the fans left.
Q: Why did the ice cream cone become a
reporter?
A: He wanted to get the scoop.
Q: What did the ice cream cone ride to the
store?
A: A fudge-cycle.
Q: What kind of poles can swim?
A: Tadpoles
Q: Why wouldn’t
the teddy bear eat anything?
A: He was already stuffed.
Q: How does a gingerbread man make his
bed?
A: With a cookie sheet
Q: What do you
get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader?
A: An ele-Vader.
Q: What do cowboys like on their salad?
A: Ranch dressing.
Q: Why was the elf crying?
A: He stubbed his mistle-toe
Q: How do you make an orange
giggle?
A: Tickle its navel.
Q: What kind of candy is never on time?
A: Choco-late.
Q: What kind of music does a boulder like?
A: Rock-n-roll.
Q: What did the mommy rope say to the baby
rope?
A: “Don’t be knotty.”
Q: What do you call a monster with a high
IQ?
A: Frank-Einstein.
Q: What did the turkey say to the
ham?
A: “Nice to meat you!”
Q: Why was the Incredible Hulk so good at
gardening?
A: He had a green thumb.
Q: What did the pool say to the lake?
A: “Water you doing here?”
Q: What did the cake say to the knife?
A: “Do you want a piece of me?”
Q: What was the math teacher’s favorite
dessert?
A: Pi.
Q: What does bread wear to bed?
A: Jam-mies.
Q: Who earns a living driving their
customers away?
A: Taxi drivers.
Q: What did the lumberjack say to the
tree?
A: “I have an axe to grind with you.
Customer: Excuse me, waiter, but
is there spaghetti on the menu?
Waiter: No, but I believe we have some in
the kitchen.
Q: What was the best time of day in the
Middle Ages?
A: Knight-time.
Q: What is the fastest peanut butter in
the world?
A: Jiffy.
Q: Why was the baseball player a bad
sport?
A: He stole third base and then went home.
Q: Where do lumberjacks keep their pigs?
A: In their hog cabin
Q: What is the difference between
a football player and a dog?
A: A football player has a whole uniform,
but a dog only pants.
Q: Why was the science teacher angry?
A: He was a mad scientist.
Q: Why was the tree excited about the
future?
A: It was ready to turn over a new leaf.
Q: What do trees eat for
breakfast?
A: Oakmeal.
Q: What is worse than finding a worm in
your apple?
A: Finding half of a worm in your apple!
Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked
out of the soccer game?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What is a race car driver’s favorite
meal?
A: Fast food.
Q: What does a skipper eat for breakfast?
A: Captain Crunch.
Q: If April showers bring May flowers,
what do Mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
Q: What runs around the football field but
never moves?
A: A fence.
Q: Why was the jelly so stressed out?
A: It was spread too thin
Awesome Animal Jokes
Q: A cowboy arrives at the ranch on a
Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is that possible?
A: The horse’s name is Friday.
Q: What do you call a bear standing in the
rain?
A: A drizzly bear.
Q: What happened when the spider got a new
car?
A: It took it for a spin.
Q: Why did the cow become an astronaut?
A: So it could walk on the moooo-n.
Q: Where do shrimp go if they need money?
A: The prawn shop
Q: Why did the boy canary make the
girl canary pay for her own meal on their date?
A: Because he was cheep.
Q: Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
A: If they lifted the other leg, they’d
fall over
Q: What do you get when you cross
a fish and a kitten?
A: A purr-anha.
Q: How are fish and music the same?
A: They both have scales.
Q: What did the mother lion say to her
cubs before dinner?
A: “Shall we prey?”
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and
dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs.
Q: Why are pigs so bad at football?
A: They’re always hogging the ball.
Q: What do you call a lion whose car
breaks down five miles before he gets to the zoo?
A: A cab.
Q: What is a whale’s favorite game?
A: Swallow the leader.
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B
Q: Why is it hard to trust what a
baby chick is saying?
A: Talk is cheep.
Q: Why did the clown visit the aquarium?
A: To see the clown fish.
Q: What is the best way to communicate
with a fish?
A: Drop it a line!
Q: Why couldn’t the elephants go swimming
at the pool?
A: They were always losing their trunks.
Q: Why did the sparrow go to the library?
A: It was looking for bookworms
Q: What did the dog say when he
rubbed sandpaper on his tail?
A: “Ruff, ruff.”
Q: What kind of sea creature hates all the
others?
A: A hermit crab.
Q: Where can you go to see mummies of
cows?
A: The Mooseum of History
Q: What kind of seafood tastes
great with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish.
Q: Why is it easy to play tricks on
lollipops?
A: They’re suckers
Q: Why did the cat get detention
at school?
A: Because he was a cheetah.
Q: Where do bees come from?
A: Stingapore and Beelivia.
Q: Why couldn’t the polar bear get along
with the penguin?
A: They were polar opposites.
Q: What did the rooster say to the hen?
A: “Don’t count your chickens before they
hatch.”
Q: What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
A: You get a sourpuss.
Q: What language do pigs speak?
A: Swine language
Q: What do cars and elephants have
in common?
A: They both have trunks.
Q: What is a bat’s motto?
A: Hang in there.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit
and frog?
A: A bunny ribbit.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog
and a daisy?
A: A collie-flower.
Q: What does a cat say when it’s
surprised?
A: “Me-WOW!”
Q: Why did the parakeet go to the candy
store
A: To get a tweet.
Q: What do you have if your dog can’t
bark?
A: A hush-puppy.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay
they’d be bagels
Q: Why did Rover beat up Fido?
A: Because Rover was a Boxer.
Q: What do you get when an elephant
sneezes?
A: You get out of the way!
Q: What is the craziest bird in the world?
A: The coo-coo bird.
Q: What is the dumbest bird in the world?
A: The do-do bird.
Q: What do you get when your dog makes
your breakfast?
A: You get pooched eggs.
Q: Why did the horse wake up with a
headache?
A: Because at bedtime he hit the hay.
Q: What do trees and dogs have in common?
A: They both have bark.
Q: What kind of bees never die?
A: Zom-bees
Q: What do you call a lazy
kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato.
Q: What happened when the sharks raced
each other?
A: They tide (get it . . . they tied).
Q: Why couldn’t the goats get along?
A: They kept butting heads.
Q: What type of bat is silly?
A: A ding-bat.
Q: When do fireflies get uptight?
A: When they need to lighten up.
Q: Why do rhinos have so many wrinkles?
A: Because they’re so hard to iron.
Q: Where did the turtle fill up his gas
tank?
A: At the shell station.
Q: Why did the pony get sent to his room
without supper?
A: He wouldn’t stop horsing around
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