After Death
Michael was an extremely avid golfer with such a cynical
attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few
people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates
where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through
the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask
a question.
“Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind
of golf course you have here,” he said to St. Peter.
“That shouldn’t matter to you,” said St. Peter.
“But it does!” And then, in his arrogant manner, he
exclaimed, “Well, if I can’t see it, then I’m not coming in!”
“Very well, Michael. As you wish…look through the gates.”
He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown excuse for a
golf course. It made him sick to his stomach.
“Forget it! There is no way I’m going to spend eternity
playing on that course!”
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate.
“Come over here and see what I have to offer.”
Michael peered through the gate and was elated! There was
the most absolutely fabulous golf course he had ever seen!
He turned to the Devil and said, “Yeah…I want to play
that course!”
“OK. Step on through, and it’s yours forever.”
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the
Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to
the fi rst tee and said, “I can’t wait to play! Where are my clubs
and ball?”
The Devil roared with laughter. “Oh that…there aren’t any.”
Golf Lesson
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his coworkers.
Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever about golf. The
pro showed him the stance and swing, and then said, “Just hit
the ball toward the fl ag on the fi rst green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down
the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from
the hole.
“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh…you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro
fi nally said, after he was able to speak again.
The retiree replied, “Oh great! Now you tell me!”
Ford Cars vs. Golf Balls
What’s the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
“A lot of guys who have never choked have
never been in the position to do so.”
—Tom Watson
“The number one thing about trouble
is…don’t get into more.”
—Dave Stockton
“The fundamental problem with golf is that
every so often, no matter how lacking you
may be in the essential virtues required of
a steady player, the odds are that one day
you will hit the ball straight, hard, and out
of sight. This is the essential frustration
of this excruciating sport. For when you’ve
done it once, you make the fundamental
error of asking yourself why you can’t do
this all the time. The answer to this question
is simple: the f irst time was a f luke.”
Bet for Strokes
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town
and joined the local country club. He went to the club for the
first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he
could play with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play
today. Finally, the assistant pro said he would play with him
and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet.
The eighty-year-old said, “I really don’t need any strokes
as I have been playing quite well. The only problem I have is
getting out of sand traps.” He did play well. Coming to the
par-4 18th, they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and
was able to get on the green and 2-putt for par.
The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed
in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit
a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup.
Birdie, match, and all the money!
The pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent
was standing. He said, “Nice shot. I thought you said you have
a problem getting out of sand traps?”
Replied the octogenarian, “I do; would you please give me
a hand?
“I’ve always made a total effort,
even when the odds seemed entirely
against me. I never quit trying;
I never felt that I didn’t have
a chance to win.”
—Arnold Palmer
“It’s the most fun I’ve had with
my clothes on.”
—Lee Trevino
Witchcraft
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with
clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; in civilized society,
it is called golf.
The Amazing Golf Ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a
greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before
you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, asks, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never
lose it!”
“Whattaya mean?” scoffs the golfer. “You can never lose it?
What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, detects where
the shore is, and then spins toward it.”
“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and
you can find it with your eyes closed.”
“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round
goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling
you, you can never lose this golf ball!”
The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to
the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”
“If your caddie coaches you on the tee, ‘Hit it
down the left side with a little draw,’
ignore him. All you do on the tee is
try not to hit the caddie.”
—Jim Murray
Invention
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It
was ruled, “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden.”
…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
0 Comments