The Borrowing Golfer
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s
house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
“He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to
his wife. “Watch this.”
“Er, I was wondering if you’d be using your power saw this
morning?” the neighbor began.
“Gee, I’m awfully sorry,” said Robinson with a smug look,
“but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.”
“In that case,” said the neighbor, “you won’t be using your
golf clubs; mind if I borrow them?”
Which Club
A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the
woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and
managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees.
Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.
Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the
local golf pro.
“Which club should I use on this shot?” he asked the pro.
“I don’t know,” the pro replied. “What game are you playing?”
Golf Again?
“You’re going out to play golf again?” his wife complained.
“I’m only following doctor’s orders,” replied her husband.
“Do I look stupid to you?” she screamed.
“But it’s true,” he said, walking out the door. “He specifically
told me I should get some iron every day.”
Out Late
“What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?” the avid golfer’s wife asked him.
“I was golfi ng with Tom and Ray, my dear,” replied
her husband.
“What?” she yelled. “At 2:00 in the morning!?”
“Well, yes,” he explained. “We were using nightclubs.”
Echoes
A friend of mine hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome
when his ball landed in a sand trap. He was hidden from view,
but the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the
ball. When he fi nally drove it out and rejoined us, I asked him
how many strokes that was.
“Three,” he replied.
“Oh come on!” I said. “I heard six.”
“It was a very deep trap,” he replied. “Three were
echoes.”
I Sort-of Do
On a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the
1st tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver
when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to
him, crying.
“You bastard!” she screamed in his face. “You lousy, nogood,
rotten, damn, stinking bastard!”
“What’s your problem, Sherry?” he calmly replied. “I
distinctly told you only if it rained.”
Wrong Message
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying
from its regular offi ce supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned
Deacon Brown to ask why.
“I’ll tell you why,” scolded Deacon Brown. “Our church
ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for
visitors to register.”
“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”
“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown.
“However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with
the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday.’”
The Birds and the Bees
Comes the time in a boy’s life when Dad sits him down for the
“big talk.” This was one father’s approach:
“Son,” he said, “you’ll soon have urges and feelings that
you’ve never had before. Your heart will start to pound, and
the palms of your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied, and
you won’t be able to think of anything else.
“But don’t worry,” he continued, “it’s perfectly normal—it’s
called golf.”
What’s Your Secret?
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He asked, “Jack,
you are spectacular! Your name is synonymous with the game
of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is
your secret?”
To which Jack replied, “The holes are numbered.”
“You
To Golf or Not to Golf
Four middle-aged jocks were out for their usual game of
golf. Seldom did any of these guys break a hundred, but they
faithfully played three or four times a week.
One day Fred was having a particularly tough time,
taking his fourth shot from the bunker on a 120-yard par-3.
Frustrated, he expressed his feelings, and the feelings of his
three buddies, when he said, “If I wasn’t married, I’d give up
this darn game!”
Famous Foursome
There was once a foursome playing that was taking forever
to get around the course. The group consisted of Monica
Lewinski, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton.
According to observers, the problems they were having were
attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer…
Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer, Kennedy can’t drive over
water, and Clinton is never sure which hole he’s supposed to
be playing.
Adverse Weather Conditions
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par-3 and could see
the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When
they walked to the green, they discovered one about three
feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly
in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since
they were both using Titleist number threes.
Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and
asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and
congratulating them both on their superb shots under such
adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so who was playing the
yellow ball?”
Putt
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par-3, a confi dent golfer
said to his caddie, “Looks like a 4-wood and a putt to me.”
The caddie suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a
4-iron, then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell
at the caddie, telling him that he was a better golfer than that
and how dare the caddie underestimate his game!
Giving in, the caddie handed the gentleman the 4-wood he
had asked for. He then proceeded to top the ball and watched
as it rolled about fi fteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddie handed him his putter and said,
“And now for one hell of a putt…”
Daddy
One little girl was bragging about her father: “He must be one
of the best golfers ever. He gets to hit the ball more than any
of the other men.”
Smart Worms
Becky loved the game of golf but was not very good at it. She
was out on the links one day, playing with her husband, Don.
As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth
beneath it fly every which way!
“My goodness, Don,” she said, blushing at her ineptitude,
“I bet the worms think there’s an earthquake going on.”
“Don’t worry, honey. The worms on this course are mighty
smart. My guess is that most of them are hiding beneath your
golf ball for safety!”
Him and Her
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; his hobby was golf. The other night, the golfer
yelled, “Fore!”
His wife yelled back, “Four-fifty!”
Golf Dog
A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide
to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog
with him and on the 1st green, and when the man holes
out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands
up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and
says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if
you miss a putt?”
“Somersaults,” says the man.
“Somersaults?!” says the friend, “That’s incredible.
How many does he do?”
“Well,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I
kick him in the ass.”
God and Moses
God and Moses were out golfi ng. They were both doing well.
Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg to the left,
with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with
a little hook right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got
up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said, “God, every time you use your driver, you
always slice it.”
God said, “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.” He approached
the ball, got ready, and then hit a long one. It drifted to the
right, splish! Right into the middle of the lake.
Moses said, “See, God, I told you that would happen. I’ll get
it this time, but you’ll have to get it next time.” So Moses went
out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then
he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that,
everything was going fi ne.
Until the 18th hole, straightaway, with a long lake on the
right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then
God took out his driver.
Moses said, “God, last time you used your driver you sliced
it. You always slice it.”
And God repeated, “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.” So
he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, plunk!
Moses said, “I got the last one.” So God walked on the
water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was
a foursome coming up behind them.
One of the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses,
“Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?”
Moses replied, “No. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
He’s a Liar
A group of golfers is searching for one of their golf
balls out in the deep rough. After several minutes of
laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash
declares he found it, inciting another in his group to
scream out:
“He is a damn liar! I have his ball in my pocket!”
Rude Caddie
“That’s it!” said the exasperated golfer to this insolent
young caddie. “I’ve had enough of your lip. When we get
back to the clubhouse, I’m going to report you directly to the
caddie master.”
“Ooooooh, I’m so worried,” responded the little brat.
“You’d better worry,” said the golfer.
“And why should I worry?” said the kid. “At the rate you
play, by the time we get back, it’ll be time for me to retire.”
Handicap
What is a handicapped golfer?
One who plays with his boss.
“I f ind it more satisfying to be a bad player
at golf. The worse you play, the better you
remember the occasional good shot.”
—Nubar Sarkis Gulbenkian
Transfer
After Sunday service, a young couple talked to a pastor about
joining the church. He hadn’t met the husband before, and he
asked what church the husband was transferring from.
A little sadly, he replied, “I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course.”
“Golf and sex are about the only things
you can enjoy without being good at it.”
—Jimmy Demaret
“Golf is 90 percent inspiration and
10 percent perspiration.”
—Johnny Miller
Gimme a Break
A yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at ten o’clock the
next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn’t arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped
out from behind some bushes and growled, “What the hell
took ya so long? You’re over two hours late.”
“Hey! Give me a break,” whined the yuppie. “I have
a 27-handicap.”
Questionable Pro
“I don’t know about that new pro,” said Robby at the golf club.
“He may be a little strange.”
“Why do you think that?” asked Bill.
“He just tried to correct my stance again,” said Robby.
“So?” said Bill. “He’s just trying to help your game.”
“Yeah, I know, but I was standing at the urinal at
the time.”
Add a Stroke
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the
fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club
official was called to calm the row. “What’s the trouble here?”
he asked.
“My partner has had a stroke, and these two bastards want
to add it to my score.”
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