Riders?
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club
house chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the pro approached them and asked,
“How did your game go?”
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round…making
the comment that she actually had twenty-five riders. The pro
was a bit perplexed, not knowing what a “rider” was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said
that she had a very good round as well with sixteen riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and
that she only had ten riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of
the day and that she only had two riders all day long.
The pro was completely confused, not knowing what the term
“rider” meant. But because he didn’t want to look dumb, he
made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well, and left.
He then approached the bartender and asked, “Hey, can you
tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer
to ‘riders’?”
The bartender simply smiled and said, “A ‘rider’ is when you
hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.”
The Nasty Hit
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the 1st
tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears
through an open window. Figuring that’s the end of it,
he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on.
On the 8th hole, a police offi cer walks up to Joe on
the course and says, “Did you hit a golf ball through a
window back there?”
Joe says, “Yes, I did.”
“Well,” says the police offi cer, “it knocked a lamp
over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto
the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid
the dog, sending three people to the hospital. And it’s all
because you sliced the ball.”
“Oh my goodness,” says Joe, “is there anything I
can do?”
“Yes, there is,” the cop says. “Try keeping your head
down and close up your stance a bit.”
“
Match Play
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in
a match-play contest with the score “all-square” at the
18th tee.
Bill sliced his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stopped on
the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashed his first shot straight
down the middle.
“Oh well,” said Bill, “I should get a free drop from there.”
“Heck no,” said Bob. “We play the ball as it lies.” And so
Bill did. After dropping his opponent on the middle of the
fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path.
Sparks flew from the cart path, as Bill made a few aggressive
practice swings.
Finally, Bill hit the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous
shot only three feet from the pin.
As the two met in the fairway, Bob commented, “That was
a great shot…what club did you use?”
“Your 6-iron,” said Bill.
Water Hazard
Robinson Crusoe–style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best
of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress
signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was
amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course that
the castaway had played with driftwood woods, a whalebone
and coral putter, and balls carved out of pumice stone.
“Quite a layout,” said the officer in charge of the rescuers.
“You’re too kind. It’s very rough and ready,” the goatskinclad
golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly. “I am, however,
quite proud of the water hazard.”
Doctor’s Orders
“Say, Ralph, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?”
“Sorry, I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“The doctor told me I can’t play.”
“Oh, he’s seen your game, too?”
Golfing Foursome
Four men were out golfing.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,”
one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer, too,” said one
of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them,
too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest
and the wisest of the four of them, at eighty-seven years old,
piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right
side of the grass!”
Foul Language
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as
he played golf with his preacher. But on the 12th hole, when
he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and
let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,”
said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use
foul language.”
“I guess not,” said Dave. “What the hell do they have to
cuss about?”
Eight Iron
Off the 7th tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.
He took his 8-iron and clambered down the embankment in
search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush,
he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew
nearer, he discovered that it was an 8-iron in the hands of
a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got
trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of
the ravine.
“Bring my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here
with an 8-iron!”
“
True Confessions of a Golfer
A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back.
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this
week and I feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.
“I was golfi ng and hit an incredible drive that looked like it
was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that
was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the
ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father,” said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the priest again.
“Well, no,” said the man. “You see, as the squirrel was
running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the
squirrel in his talons, and began to fl y away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
“No, not yet,” the man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel
away in his claws, it fl ew towards the green. And as it passed over
a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked the now-impatient priest.
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced
through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through
a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of
the hole.”
“You missed the %#$*& putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.
Golf and Taxes
Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and
end up in the hole
Heaven and Earth
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during
which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in
frustration to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and Earth to
break a hundred on this course.”
“Try heaven,” said the caddie. “You’ve already moved
most of the Earth.”
Is It a Sin?
“Caddie, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
“The way you play, sir, it’s a crime any day of the week
Improvement
A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the
Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set
of woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he
used them for the fi rst time, more than half expecting he’d
come in and demand his money back. But the next time he
came in, he was all smiles!
“They’re the best clubs I’ve ever had,” he said. “I’ve
really had tremendous improvement! In fact, I’ve discovered
I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my
last ones.”
“One of the best ways to help a man get out
of the woods is to f ind the golf
ball he’s looking for.”
—Unknown
“I play with friends, but we don’t
play friendly games.”
—Ben Hogan
Really Old Golfers
Two really old guys decide that they are going to try to play a
round of golf together. They get to the 1st tee and the first old
guy says to the second, “Can you watch my ball for me?”
The second guy says, “Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.”
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He
turns to his buddy and says, “Did you see it?”
“Sure!” says his buddy.
“Where did it go?” the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute, and says, “I
can’t remember.”
“Golf is like chasing a quinine pill
around a cow pasture.”
—Winston Churchill
Female Golfing Terms
Caddie: Two women talking about a third who isn’t
there to defend herself.
Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.
Double Bogie: Casablanca followed by African Queen.
Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
Good Lie: Weight on our driver’s licenses.
Greens: Lunch we eat when we’d really love
a cheeseburger.
Hole-in-One: Time to get new pantyhose.
Iron: What guys need to learn to do to their own shirts.
Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty
much anything.
Shaft: You watch the kids while he gets to go golfi ng.
Slice: “No thanks…just a sliver.”
Tees: Putting on that Victoria’s Secret negligee.
Water Hazard: Giving the kids too much to drink before
a road trip.
Wedge: Bathing suit that’s too tight.
Naughty Wife
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife
dressed in a teddy.
“Tie me up,” she purrs, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf
“As you walk down the fairway of life you
must smell the roses, for you only
get to play one round.”
—Ben Hogan
Afraid
A business executive had retired and was discussing the joys
of his new leisure time. During the conversation he remarked
that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had
enjoyed for many, many years.
“Afraid of injuries?” asked a friend.
“Well, now I am,” he responded. “Before, I could drag a cast
into work and still do my job, but now I’d be messing up my
golf game!”
“One of the advantages bowling
has over golf is that you seldom
lose a bowling ball.”
—Don Carter
You’ve Played Before?
“Well, I have never played this badly before!”
“I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”
A Heated Match
John and Bob were two of the bitterest golf rivals at the club.
Neither man trusted the other’s arithmetic. One day they were
playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks.
After holing out on the 4th green and marking his six on the
scorecard, John asked Bob, “What’d you have?”
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up.
“Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself. “No—
a fi ve.”
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud, “Eight!”
“Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.”
John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to fi ve.
But actually you had seven.”
“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.
John told him, “One stroke penalty ‘for improving your lie.’”
“If profanity had an inf luence on the
f light of the ball, the game of golf would
be played far better than it is.”
—Horace G. Hutchinson
A New Set of Golf Clubs
“I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!”
“Great trade!”
Politically Correct
Did you hear about the politically correct country club? They
no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps. Instead,
they’re “stroke challenged.”
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