1001 Amazing Jokes- Jack Goldstein- Jokes for Everyone Part 4

 

General Jokes - Part 3

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams!

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
e Vampire State Building!

What’s a monster’s favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet!

What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed!

Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
Because he likes to draw blood!

What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
e actors all get stage fright!

Why did the monster eat a ìuorescent bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack!

What did the skeleton order with his drink?
A mop!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
Spelling!

Mummies

How do mummies begin their letters?
“Tomb it may concern”!

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
ey’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind!

What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!

What is a Mummy’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!

Why was the mummy so tense?
Because he was all wound up!

How do mummies hide?
ey wear masking tape!

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
ey’re good at keeping things under wraps!

Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies!

What did the mummy say to the detective?
Let’s wrap this case up!

Why don’t mummies have hobbies?
Because they’re too wrapped up in their work!

Animals

When is it really unlucky to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!

What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist !

What kind of pets do ghosts have?
Scaredy Cats!

What do you call two spiders that just got married?
Newlywebs!

Why don’t bats live alone?
ey like to hang out with their friends!

What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef!

What is Dracula’s favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound!

What did the werewolf eat after he’d had his teeth cleaned?
e dentist!

What’s big and green and goes “Oink, Oink?”
Frankenswine!

What did the duck say after he heard a scary joke?
Nothing, he just quacked up!

The Best Jokes

Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
His heart wasn’t in it!

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A nectarine!

Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!

Why didn’t the zombie go to school?
He felt rotten!

Who won the zombie war?
Nobody, it was dead even!

What song do vampires hate?
“You are my sunshine”!

I have 28 legs, 7 arms and 3 heads, what am I?
A liar!

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It’s hard to pin anything on them!

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!

Animal Jokes

Insects
Why do bees hum?

Because they don’t know the words!

What do you call a ìy without wings?
A walk!

What did one ìea say to the other ìea?
Shall we walk or take the dog!

What is the difference between a ìea and a wolf ?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!

Why did the ìy never land on the computer?
He was afraid of the world wide web!

Who comes to a picnic but is never invited?
Ants!

Why did the ìy ìy?
Because the spider spied her!

How do ìeas travel from place to place?
By itch-hiking!

What do you call a brainy insect?
A spelling bee!

What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede on its back!

Birds

Why do birds ìy south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk!

Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
To a crow bar!

Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels!

What does a duck have with its cheese?
Quackers!

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A bird who hogs the conversation!

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
e outside!

Who tells the best chicken jokes?
Comedi-hens!

When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they’re going cheap!

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie talkie!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in an oven and wait until its Bill Withers!

Trunktastic

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in an elevator!

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel!

What do you get if you cross a ësh with an elephant?
Swimming trunks!

Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?

What do you give an elephant that’s going to be sick?
Plenty of space!

Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything!

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!

What is an elephant’s favourite sport?
Squash!

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back!

At the Seaside

Why was the crab arrested?
Because he kept pinching things!

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?
Billy the Squid!

Why is a ësh easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales!

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed!

Where do shellësh go to borrow money?
To the prawn broker!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

How do oysters call their friends?
On their shell phones!

Why are dolphins smarter than humans?
Because they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them ísh!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people!

What do you call a ësh with no eyes?
A fsh!

Cats and Dogs
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool

She had mittens!
What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull!
What happens when a cat eats a lemon?

It becomes a sour puss!
Why does everyone love cats?

Because they’re purr-fect!
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?

When you’re a mouse!
What does a kitten become after it’s three days old?

Four days old!
What could happen if it rained cats and dogs?

You might step in a poodle!
What kind of dog tells the time?

A watch dog!
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Ruff!
When does a dog go “moo”?
When it is learning a new language!

Unusual Animals

How do porcupines kiss each other?
Very carefully!

What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
ere are too many cheetahs!

What’s small and cuddly and bright purple?
A koala holding his breath!

What do call a bear with no ears?
B!

What’s the difference between an injured lion and a wet day?
One pours with rain, the other roars with pain!

Which animal is out of bounds?
A tired kangaroo!

What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey!

How many skunks does it take to stink up a house?
A phew!

What is a crocodile’s favourite game?
Snap!

Dinosaurs

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t been invented back then!

What was the scariest dinosaur?
e Terror-dactyl!

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
Tricera-cops!

How many dinosaurs can you ët in an empty box?
Just one... after that, the box isn’t empty anymore!

Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
Any - a house can’t jump!

What is in the middle of dinosaurs?
e letter “s”!

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Do-ya-think-he-saw-us!

What’s as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
A dinosaur’s shadow!

On the Farm

Where do cows go with their friends?

e moooovies!

Why do cows wear bells?

eir horns don’t work!

What do you give a sick pig?

Oink-ment!

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

ey suspected it of fowl play!

What kind of animal goes OOM?

A cow walking backwards!

What happened to the lost cattle?

Nobody’s herd!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?

Roost beef!

What is a sheep’s favourite game?

Baa-dminton!

What’s the most musical part of a chicken?

e drumstick!

Wet and Slimy

What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

He gets toad away!

What did one frog say to the other?

Time’s fun when you’re having îies!

What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs?

School dinners come on a plate!

What do slugs do at the beach?

Nothing!

What is the strongest animal?

A snail. He carries his house on his back!

What is a snake’s favorite subject?

Hiss-tory!

What do you call a snake who works for the government?

A civil serpent!

How do snails get their shells so shiny?

ey use snail varnish!

What kind of snake is good at numbers?

An adder!

What did the grape say when the Komodo Dragon stood on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Horseplay

What type of horses only go out in the dark?

Nightmares!

What kind of loaf does a horse eat?

oroughbred!

How do you say hungry horse in 4 letters?

MTGG!

What do you call a horse wearing venetian blinds?

A zebra!

How did the rabbit propose to his girlfriend?

With a twenty-four carrot ring!

Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?

She always said Neigh!

What do you give a sick horse?

Cough stirrup!

What is the difference between a horse and a duck?

One goes quick and the other goes quack!

Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?

It was too heavy to carry!

What do you ask a sad horse?

“Why the long face?”

Funny Book Titles

General Titles - Part 1

Robots by Anne Droid

Songs from ‘South Paciíc’ by Sam and Janet Evening

Karate and Judo by Marsha Larts

Pain in My Body by Otis Leghurts

She Was Naked by Oliver Klozoff

Fixing Computer Programs by Dee Bugger

How to Write a Will by Benny Fishery

Predicting the Future by Claire Voyant

It Won’t Work! by Mel Function

It’s All In Your Head by Madge Ination

Out and About

e Tragedy Near the Cliff by Ilene Dover

Falling Trees by Tim Burr

Danger! by Luke Out

Never Gonna Happen by Jason Rainbows

Almost Missed the Bus by Justin Time

Highway Travel by Dusty Rhodes

Ambulance Driving by Adam Muhway

e Hitchhiker by Juan Nalift

French Overpopulation by Francis Crowded

World Leaders by Polly Tickell

At School

I Love Mathematics by Adam Up

Body Parts by Anne Atomy

Circle Perimeters by Sir Cumference

e History of the Cold War by Sophie Etunion

Flips and Tumbles by Jim Nastics

How to Succeed in School by Rita Book

Explosives in Chemistry by Stan Wellback

You Did Exceptionally Well by Marco de Stinction

Every Word Ever by Dick Shunnery

A History of Communist Leaders by Dick Tater

General Titles - Part 2

Jewish Holidays by Hannah Kerr

Chest Pain by I. Coffalot

Money Management by Owen Cash

Woodworm Trouble by Nora Bedpost

Nuclear Explosives by Adam Baum

Songs for Children by Barbara Blacksheep

To Be Honest by Frank Lee

Keep On Trying by Percy Veer

A New Dawn Coming by Tamara Morning

I’m Highly Embarrassed by Rosie Cheeks

In Your Home

Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall

Sitting Down at the Barbeque by Patty O’Furniture

Interior Decorating by Curt Enrod

Old Furniture by Anne Teak

Bubbles in the Bathtub by Ivor Windybottom

Artiícial Fabrics by Polly Ester

Japanese Clothing by Kim Ono

He Cuts the Grass by Moses Lawn

Repairing Old Clothes by Fred Bear

A Strong Hurricane by Rufus Gone

Crime and Punishment

eft and Robbery by Andy Tover

Armed Heists by Robin Banks

Breaking the Law by Kermit A. Krime

Crackdown on Violent Crime by Lauren Order

Police Headquarters by Scott Linyard

I Didn’t Do It by Ivan Alibi

I Admit at It Was Me By Gil Tea.

Crime Doesn’t Pay by Laura Norda

Catching Criminals by Hans Upp

e Policeman and the Criminal by Iris Tew

The Worst Titles

e Runaway Horse by Gay Topen

Telephone Problems by Ron Number

Aching Joints by Arthur Itis

A Load of Old Rubbish by Stefan Nonsense

Will He Win? By Betty Wont

Sunday Service by Neil Downe

Blackpool Beach by Rhoda Donkey

Late Again by Misty Buss

Breakfast in Europe by Roland Butter

Win the Lottery by Jack Pot

General Titles - Part 3

Creaky Door by Rusty Hinges

Cry Wolf by Al Armist

Visiting Haunted Houses by Hugo First

Mosquito Bites by Ivan Itch

A Bestiary of Plant Eaters by Herb Avore

Lizards are Taking Over the World by E. Gwanna and Sally Manda

Pain and Sorrow by Anne Guish

A Terrible Journey by Helen Back

Vegetable Gardening by Rosa Cabbages

Cheese Dishes by Della Katessan

Every One A Winner

Dance Dance Dance by Sheik Yabuti

For the Betterment of Society by Ben Everlent

Keep the Animals In by Barb Dwyer

Gardening Equipment by Lon Moore

Come to My Party by Morris Merrier

e Atheist by Noel Noevan

Comedy Today by Stan Dupp

Modern Giants by Hugh Mungus

Dogs are Great by Kay Nein

Leather Preparation by Tanya Hyde

The Best Titles

Irish Flooring by Lynn O’Leum

Artiícial Weightlessness by Andy Gravity

Remind Me of Your Name by Hugh R. Ewe

Without Warning by Oliver Sudden

Don’t drink the potion by Jacqueline Hyde

A Trip To e Dentist by Lord Howard Hurts

Monkeys and Other Primates by Jim Panzee

House Construction by Bill Jerome Holme

Unknown Instructions by Mr. Emmanuel

e Cat’s Revenge by Claude Balls

Space Jokes

Astronauts

What is a spaceman’s favorite chocolate?

A Mars bar!

Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!

In what did the astronaut serve drinks?

Sunglasses!

What did the astronaut cook for lunch?

An unidentiíed frying object!

Why don’t astronauts get hungry after being blasted into space?

Because they’ve just had a big launch!

What does an astronaut do when he gets angry?

He blasts off!

What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.

What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

e space bar!

How do spacemen pass the time on long trips?

ey play astro-noughts and crosses!

What do astronauts put on their toast?

Space Jam!

Aliens

What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!

Why don’t aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I’m all spaced out!

What do you call an alien with three eyes?

An aliiien!

What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter!

What do you call an overweight ET?

An extra cholesterol!

What did the alien say to the gas pump?

Don’t you know its rude to stick your ínger in your ear when I’m talking to you!

What kind of fur do you get from an Alien?

As fur away as possible!

Where do aliens drink beer?

At the Mars Bar!

What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter!

Stupid Jokes

What’s a light-year?

e same as a regular year, but with less calories!

What did the star say to the black hole?

You suck!

How does a robot shave?

With a laser blade!

Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet?

To boldly go where no man has been before!

What do planets like to read?

Comet books!

Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere!

Why is an astronaut like a American Football player?

ey both want touchdown!

What do you call an alien starship that drips water?

A crying saucer!

Do robots have brothers?

No, just transistors!

Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head one afternoon?

So he could see the stars during the day as well!