General Jokes - Part 3
How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
at depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. It’s all relative!
at depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. It’s all relative!
How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
One.
How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change?
Change?
How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. ey put the bulb in and lets the world revolve around them!
One. ey put the bulb in and lets the world revolve around them!
How many Spanish men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
Just Juan.
How many Real Men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.
None. ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
ree. One to change the bulb, and two more to argue what the light bulb
represents.
ree. One to change the bulb, and two more to argue what the light bulb
represents.
How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many Ma
How many secret agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for bugging devices.
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for bugging devices.
How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already
caused it to happen.
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already
caused it to happen.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
Again, how many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and the other to keep interrupting by standing up and
shouting “Objection!”
Again, how many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and the other to keep interrupting by standing up and
shouting “Objection!”
How many software technicians does it take to change in a lightbulb?
None. at’s a hardware problem.
None. at’s a hardware problem.
How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, the other to write a song about how good the old one was.
Two. One to change it, the other to write a song about how good the old one was.
How many fashion designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it and the other nine to tell him how Fabulous it is.
Ten. One to change it and the other nine to tell him how Fabulous it is.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two, and a-one two three four...
One, two, and a-one two three four...
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. ey don’t like to share the spotlight.
Only one. ey don’t like to share the spotlight.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he has to do it while you’re having dinner.
One. But he has to do it while you’re having dinner.
How many amoebae does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. No, two. No, four. No, eight...
One. No, two. No, four. No, eight...
How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. ey are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains
and therefore have no need for an artiícial light source.
None. ey are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains
and therefore have no need for an artiícial light source.
How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a
new one.
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a
new one.
How many seabirds does it take to change a lightbulb?
About four or íve terns ought to do the trick.
About four or íve terns ought to do the trick.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Are you kidding? ey won’t even change a íve dollar bill!
Are you kidding? ey won’t even change a íve dollar bill!
How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
e answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.
e answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
We’ll never know, they took an oath not to reveal it.
We’ll never know, they took an oath not to reveal it.
How many public opinion researchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, it turns itself in.
None, it turns itself in.
How many bitter actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A hundred. One to change the bulb and ninety-nine to say “I could have done
A hundred. One to change the bulb and ninety-nine to say “I could have done
that.”
How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the next appointment is in two months’ time.
Just one, but the next appointment is in two months’ time.
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’ll have to refer you to a specialist.
None, they’ll have to refer you to a specialist.
How many civil servants does it take to change a lightbulb?
irty. One to change the bulb, and twenty-nine to do the paperwork.
irty. One to change the bulb, and twenty-nine to do the paperwork.
How many Massage erapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.
One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.
How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there saying “To the left,
and to the left, and to the right, and to the right, and take it out, and put it down,
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there saying “To the left,
and to the left, and to the right, and to the right, and take it out, and put it down,
and pick it up, and put it in...”
How many waiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can’t catch a waiter’s eye.
None, even a burned out bulb can’t catch a waiter’s eye.
How many talk show hosts does it take to change a lightbulb?
ree, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be
replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
ree, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be
replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why change it? e broken bulb is a national treasure demonstrating our rich
history and culture.
Why change it? e broken bulb is a national treasure demonstrating our rich
history and culture.
How many procrastinators does it take to change a lightbulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to ílm the demise of the old one in explicit gory
detail, using obscure camera angles.
How many missionaries does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and thirty natives to see the light.
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a lightbulb?
A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety-nine to say, “I told you so!”
How many senior citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but she pays a telemarketer $1000 for the new bulb.
How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a like change?
Eno.
How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb?
ree. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the îoor, one to put the new
bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change a what?
How many knock-knock jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who’s there?
How many Les Miserables characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, because she’s On Her Own.
The Best Ones
How many thought police does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. ere was never a lightbulb there in the írst place, OK?
How many cold War Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
I can’t tell you, that’s still classiíed information!
How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the whole collective would be aware of it.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising
twist at the end!
How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it!
How many disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say “Get dowwwwwn!”
How many people with OCD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just the one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old
bulbs.
How many customer support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
We have received your query concerning your technical lighting issue and have
assigned you request number 45884AXT-67. Please use this reference for any future
contact regarding the light bulb issue.
One!
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Flags. One to gargle the giraffe and bacon to bacon my gaffer tape at Tuesday
concierge.
General Jokes - Part 1
What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?e landlord said “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
What happens to a ghost when he gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
He is mist!
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type!
To see if she was his type!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite!
Frostbite!
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn ìakes?
A cereal killer!
A cereal killer!
Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
Because there are so many plots there!
Because there are so many plots there!
What’s the best way to talk to a monster?
From a long way away!
From a long way away!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers!
Dayscare centers!
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
A dead ringer!
What room can’t a ghost go in?
e Living Room!
e Living Room!
Ghosts
Which trees do ghosts like best?
Ceme-trees!
Ceme-trees!
Who writes ghostly jokes?
Crypt writers!
Crypt writers!
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end!
A dead end!
What do you call a ghost’s mother and father?
Transparents!
Transparents!
What do young ghosts write their homework in?
Exorcise books!
Exorcise books!
Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
Because you can see right through them!
Because you can see right through them!
Where do ghosts go if they want to swim?
e Dead Sea!
e Dead Sea!
What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
Watch the board and I’ll go through it again!
Watch the board and I’ll go through it again!
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres?
Surgical spirits!
is woman wanted to marry a ghost. I don’t know what possessed her!
Surgical spirits!
is woman wanted to marry a ghost. I don’t know what possessed her!
Witches
Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark?at’s the time to go to sweep!
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?
A witch with a drum kit!
A witch with a drum kit!
What goes cackle, cackle, bonk?
A witch laughing her head off!
A witch laughing her head off!
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won’t be able to tell which witch is which!
You won’t be able to tell which witch is which!
Why won’t a witch wear a ìat cap?
Because there is no point in it!
Because there is no point in it!
What kind of tests do they give in witch school?
Hex-aminations!
Hex-aminations!
What happened to the witch who lost her temper when riding her broom?
She îew off the handle!
She îew off the handle!
What do you call a witch with one leg?
Eileen!
Eileen!
Have you heard about the good weather witch?
She’s forecasting sunny spells!
She’s forecasting sunny spells!
Why is a witch like a candle?
ey are both wicked!
ey are both wicked!
General Jokes - Part 2
No, they prefer to eat íngers separately!
Why did Dracula go to the library?
He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into!
He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into!
How do you work a mummy’s doorbell?
Just Toot and come in!
Just Toot and come in!
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray!
Scare spray!
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck!
When it’s neck and neck!
Why did the skeleton go scuba diving?
Because he wanted to get some muscles!
Because he wanted to get some muscles!
What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
Bam-BOO!
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
Because of all the coffin!
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits!
It raises their spirits!
Why is there always a fence around a cemetery?
Because people are just dying to get in!
Because people are just dying to get in!
Vampires
In a blood bank!
Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers!
Because they’re suckers!
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Lots of blood tests!
What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
e bats!
e bats!
What is a vampires favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
Fangsgiving!
What is a vampire’s favorite circus act?
Well, he always goes for the juggler!
Well, he always goes for the juggler!
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Because he’s a pain in the neck!
Because he’s a pain in the neck!
Why are all male vampires related to each other?
ey are all blood brothers!
ey are all blood brothers!
How does a girl vampire ìirt?
She bats her eyelashes!
She bats her eyelashes!
What do you do if you want to learn more about Dracula?
You join his fang club!
You join his fang club!
Skeletons
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?He had no body to go with!
What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones!
Lazy bones!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin!
Nothing gets under their skin!
Why couldn’t the skeleton sing in front of his friends?
He just didn’t have the guts!
He just didn’t have the guts!
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart !
Napoleon bone-apart !
Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones!
Sherlock Bones!
What is a Skeleton’s favorite song?
Bad to the Bone
Bad to the Bone
Why don’t skeletons play music in church?
ey have no organs!
ey have no organs!
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!
Spare ribs!
What do skeletons say before they eat?
Bone Appetite!
Bone Appetite!
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