The Solar System
Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter!
How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
When it’s full!
How do you know that the sun is clean?
It always shines!
How does the solar system hold up its trousers?
With an asteroid belt!
Why didn’t the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees!
How do we know Saturn was married more than once?
Because he has a lot of rings!
What kind of music do planets sing?
Neptunes!
What did Mars say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!
Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?
Because it was full!
Why are the Earth and the Moon good friends?
Because they’ve been going around together for years!
Star Wars - Part 1
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
What do you call a Mexican Jedi?
Obi-Juan Kenobi!
Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?
So it doesn’t hang so low!
Why did Darth Vader cross the road?
To get to the dark side!
What do you get if you mix a fruit with a bounty hunter?
Mango Fett!
What do you call a robot who always takes the longest route?
R2-detour!
Why do doctors make the best Jedi?
Because a Jedi must have patience!
How did Wicket cross the road?
Ewoked!
What do you call a transparent robot?
See-through P O!
How is duck tape like the Force?
It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together!
Animals in Space
Why did the cow go to outer space?
To visit the milky way.
How did it get there?
It îew through udder space!
What are the slowest creatures in the galaxy?
Snail-iens!
What does a Klingon frog use for camouìage?
A croaking device!
Why did the cow go in the spaceship?
It wanted to see the mooooooon!
What kind of saddle do you put on a horse in space?
A saddle-lite!
Which creepy-crawly can never go into space?
An earthworm!
What do you call a chicken from outer space?
An egg-straterrestrial!
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
He was looking for Pluto!
How did the lamb go into outer space?
On a rocket sheep!
Star Wars - Part 2
When did Anakin’s Jedi masters know he was leaning towards the dark side?
In the Sith Grade!
How many Sith Lords does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they prefer it on the dark side!
What side of an Ewok has the most hair?
e outside!
Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant?
Darth Waiter!
What do Jedi use to view PDF ëles?
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Why was Yoda good at gardening?
Because he had green íngers!
Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money?
Because he’s always a little short.
What’s the difference between an ATAT and a stormtrooper?
One’s an Imperial walker and the other is a walking Imperial!
What is R2-D2 short for?
Because he has small legs!
What do Gungans put Jam in?
Jar Jars!
General Jokes
What do planets like to read?
Comet books!
How did the rocket lose its job?
It was íred!
What happens to astronauts who misbehave?
ey’re grounded!
Which are the most dangerous things in space?
Shooting stars!
What did the boy rocket say to the girl rocket?
Let’s go out to launch!
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
How does one astronaut tell another that he is sorry?
He Apollo-gises.
Why don’t astronauts relate well to other people?
ey are not always down-to-earth!
What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty?
Take a meteor shower!
What do you call a magician in space?
A îying sorcerer!
The Worst Jokes
Why do aliens make crop circles?
Because they are corny.
How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
All of them!
Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet?
e one with the biggest head
What is the centre of gravity?
e letter v!
How many letters are there in the alphabet?
21 - ET left in a UFO
Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?
e Moon because the Sun only shines during the day when it’s light anyway
Where do dumb aliens go?
Area 52
What do astronauts wear to keep warm?
Apollo-neck sweaters!
How do astronauts eat their ice cream?
In îoats
Why is the moon bald?
It has no ‘air.
The Best Jokes
How do we know life down under came from outer space?
Because of the Mars-upials and the Austr-aliens!
What’s round, purple and orbits the sun?
e Planet of the Grapes!
What did Spock ënd in Kirk’s toilet?
e Captain’s Log!
Why didn’t the dog star laugh at this joke?
It was too Sirius.
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
How many ears did captain Kirk have?
ree - a left ear, a right ear and a ínal front-ear!
On what kind of plates do they serve food in space?
Flying saucers!
How do you get a baby astronaut to go to sleep?
Rocket!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
Where does Dr Who buy his cooked meat?
At a dalek-atessen!
Food Jokes
General Jokes - Part 1
Why do the French like to eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food!
Why shouldn’t you buy exploding alphabetti spaghetti?
If it goes off it could spell disaster!
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
What is green and sings?
Elvis Parsley!
How do you make a walnut laugh?
Crack it up!
What Italian food do ghosts eat?
Pasta a-fraid-o!
What does an evil hen lay?
Deviled eggs!
What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships!
What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator?
Close the door, I’m dressing!
Where do tough chickens come from?
Hard-boiled eggs!
Cheese
What’s the best cheese to hide a horse?
Mascarpone!
What’s orange and doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses?
R’n’Brie
What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?
Halloumi.
What’s a Pirate’s favourite cheese?
Chedd-Arrrrrrr!
What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain?
Camembert!
How do you approach an angry welsh cheese?
Caerphilly!
What hotel do mice stay in?
e Stilton
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie.
A child threw a block of mild cheese through my window today.
I ran after him and shouted “Well that’s not very mature...”
Fruit & Veg - Part 1
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
Why didn’t the ëg go to the prom?
He couldn’t get a date!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!
What are twins’ favorite fruit?
Pears!
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
Slippers!
What is square and green?
A lemon in disguise!
How do you make an artichoke?
Strangle it!
What’s the fastest vegetable?
A runner bean!
What is small, round and giggles a lot?
A tickled onion!
What’s the strongest vegetable?
A muscle sprout!
Waiter, Waiter!
Waiter, waiter! What’s this ìy doing in my soup?
I think it’s the backstroke, sir!
Waiter, waiter! is chicken only has one leg.
Perhaps its been in a íght, sir.
In that case bring me the winner!
Waiter, waiter! ere’s a twig in my soup.
Hold on sir, I’ll get the branch manager!
Waiter, waiter! is egg is bad.
It’s not my fault sir, I only laid the table!
Waiter, waiter! I can’t eat this terrible food.
Well it’s no good complaining to me - I won’t eat it either!
Waiter, Waiter! ere’s no chicken in the chicken soup.
at’s alright, sir. ere’s no horse in the horseradish either!
Waiter, waiter, is coffee tastes like mud!
I’m not surprised sir, it was ground this morning!
Waiter, Waiter! is ësh is very rude.
Yes sir, it doesn’t know its plaice.
Waiter, Waiter, do you serve lobster?
Bring him in sir, we’re not fussy who we serve here!
Waiter, Waiter there’s a crocodile in my soup.
Well sir, you told me to make it snappy!
Snacks and Suchlike
Why did the biscuit cry?
Because his dad been a wafer so long!
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?
I’m not telling you. You might spread it!
What do you call candy that was stolen?
Hot chocolate!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop?
What did the nut say when it sneezed?
Cashew!
Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was in a pickle!
Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
She was bored with the hole business!
What’s a pilot’s favourite crisp ìavour?
Plane!
What’s a frog’s favourite crisp?
Croaky bacon!
Two peanuts walk into a really rough bar. Unfortunately, one was a salted!
The Worst Jokes
Where does the lettuce go to have a few drinks?
e salad bar!
Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice!
Jack asked Jimmy “If you have four onions and I ask you for one, how many
do you have left?”
Jimmy said “If it’s you that asked, four!”
What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me!
Knock knock... Who’s there... Turnip... Turnip who?
Turnip for school on time or you’ll be expelled!
Why couldn’t the toadstool ët in the pie?
Because there wasn’t mush room!
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its îippers!
What’s worse than ënding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple!
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the cheesecake!
What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussels scout!
General Jokes - Part 2
What does Doctor Who eat with his pizza?
Dalek bread!
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Where do burgers like to dance?
At a meat ball!
What did the hungry computer eat?
Chips, one byte at a time!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon aid!
What’s the worst thing you’re likely to ënd in the school cafeteria?
e food!
What day do potatoes hate the most?
Fry-day!
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Straw-berries!
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way!
Desserts and Drinks
What do you call someone with jelly in one ear and custard in the other?
A triîe deaf!
How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down a hill!
What’s the fastest cake in the world?
Scone!
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake!
What is an elf ’s favorite kind of treat?
Shortcake!
In which school do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae School!
How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
In îoats!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine!
How do you make a milk shake?
Give it a good scare!
What do you get when you cross a frog and a ice lolly?
A hopsicle!
Fruit & Veg - Part 2
Why were the apple and the orange all alone?
Because the banana split!
Where do baby gorillas sleep?
Ape-ricots!
What key do you use to open a banana?
A monkey!
Why did the people dance to the vegetable band?
Because it had a good beet!
How did the farmer ëx his jeans?
With a cabbage patch!
What vegetable might you ënd in your basement?
Cellar-y!
What does corn get when you leave it in the barn too long?
Cob-webs!
Which vegetable can’t you take on a boat?
Leeks!
What did the salad say to the dressing?
Lettuce be friends!
Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
He couldn’t concentrate!
The Best Jokes
What did the angry customer at the Italian restaurant give the chef?
A pizza of his mind!
What can you make from onions and baked beans?
Tear gas!
How do you make a gold soup?
Add twenty-four carrots!
Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a cucumber in my ear, an apple up my nose and a
parsnip in my armpit.
You need to eat more sensibly!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What vegetables do librarians like?
Quiet peas!
What did a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
Because he’s a fun-guy!
What is small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish!
A man was drowned eating his muesli the other day. He was pulled in by a
strong currant!
What Do You Call Jokes
General Jokes - Part 1
What do you call a woman standing in a high wind?
Gail
What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil
What do you call a man who always lies on the ìoor?
Matt
What do you call a ësh with no eyes?
a fsh
What do you call a man correcting school homework?
Mark
What do you call a man drilling holes in pieces of wood?
Boring
What do you call a man at the side of a house?
Ali
What do you call a Hippy’s wife?
Mississippi
What do you call a man buried in a bog?
Pete
What do you call a woman on a Scottish Hillside?
Heather
Animals - Part 1
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
What do you call a man who has scratches from his cat all over his face?
Claude
What do you call a woman with a tortoise on her head?
Shelley
What do you call a country gentleman with a rabbit on his head?
Warren
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus
What do you call a cow that’s just had a baby?
Decalínated
What do you call an exploding ape?
A baboom
What do you call a snake who is employed by the government?
A civil serpent
What do you call a man who sits under a cow all day?
Pat
What do you call a camel without a hump?
Humphrey
Things on a Man’s Head
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
What do you call a man with a toilet on his head?
Lou
What do you call a man with a map on his head?
Miles
What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head?
Reg
What do you call a man with a stamp on his head?
Frank
What do you call a man with a boat on his head?
Bob
What do you call a man with a legal document on his head?
Will
What do you call an American with a rabbit on his head?
Hutch
General Jokes - Part 2
What do you call a woman who plans to take you to court?
Sue
What do you call a man who climbs through your letterbox?
Bill
What do you call a man who climbs through a student’s letterbox?
Grant
What do you call a man doing exercises?
Jim
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop
What do you call a man holding a spear?
Lance
What do you call a man holding loads of spears?
Lancelot
What do you call a man with a wig on his head?
Aaron
What do you call a mushroom who is always smiling?
A fungi
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Animals - Part 2
What do you call a woman with a cat on her head?
Kitty
What do you call a blind moose?
No idea
What do you call a blind moose with no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a ìy with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a crazy blackbird?
A raven lunatic
What do you call bears without ears?
B
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up every morning?
An alarm cluck
What do you call a vet with a bad throat?
A hoarse doctor
What do you call a rabbit who raps?
a hip hopper
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
Things on a Woman’s Head
What do you call a woman with slate on her head?
Ruth
What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?
Lulu
What do you call a woman with a sprig on Holly on her head?
Carol
What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head?
Anita
What do you call a woman with a tennis racket on her head?
Annette
What do you call a woman with a pint of ale on her head?
Beatrix
What do you call a woman with a pint of ale on her head and a handful of
clay?
Beatrix Potter
What do you call a woman with a pack of cards on her head?
Trixie
What do you call a woman with a twig on her head?
Hazel
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily
What are You Wearing?
What do you call a man in a suit made from candy wrappers?
Russell
What do you call a man in a kilt?
Scott
What do you call a man with a coat on his head?
Mac
What do you call a man with two coats on his head?
Max
What do you call a man with two coats on his head in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves
What do you call a man with a large coat on his head?
Big Mac
What do you call a woman with one trouser-leg missing?
Jean
What do you call a man wearing a very tight suit?
Justin
What do you call a man wearing a wooden hat?
Edward
What do you call a man wearing three wooden hats?
Edward Woodward
The Worst Jokes
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball together?
Juan ‘n’ Juan
What do you call a man who is short-sighted?
Piers
What do you call a woman who is levitating?
Rose
What do you call a man in a cathedral window?
Archie
What do you call a man on a roof?
Tyler
What do you call a woman who prays before eating?
Grace
What do you call a woman with her head in a book?
Paige
What do you call a woman with her head in the clouds?
Skye
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper
What do you call someone who is scared of Santa?
A Claus-trophobic
General Jokes - Part 3
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a man who isn’t religious?
Godfrey
What do you call a man packed tightly into a hole?
Phil
What do you call a woman sitting on a loaf of bread?
Marge
What do you call a woman with one leg either side of a river?
Bridget
What do you call a man driving a truck?
Laurie
What do you call a group of cows with a sense of humour?
A laughing stock
The Best Jokes
What do you call two men in the window?
Kurt ‘n’ Rod
What do you call a woman with only one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a woman with a sunlamp on her head?
Tanya
What do you call a woman with a laptop on her head?
Adele
What do you call a Frenchman wearing beach shoes?
Phillipe Phillope
What do you call a grammatically incorrect lion?
An lion
What do you call a man with a purple mark on his head?
Bruce
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
What do you call a Mexican whose Ford was stolen?
Carlos
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