Who’s Knocking - Part 2
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Major.
Major who?
Major answer, didn’t I!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in or do I have to climb through a
window?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alexia.
Alexia who?
Alexia again to open this door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ferdie.
Ferdie who?
Ferdie last time open this door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Fozzie.
Fozzie who?
Fozzie hundredth time let me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Spain.
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow,
Snow who?
Snow use, I’ve forgotten my key again!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harmony.
Harmony who?
Harmony times are we going to go through this?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Waddle.
Waddle who ?
Waddle you give me if I go away?
Silly Jokes - Part 2
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
(Sing) Daisy me rollin, they hatin...
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kenya!
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Juicy.
Juicy who?
Juicy what I just saw?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jerrold.
Jerrold who?
Jerrold friend, that’s who!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aladdin.
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Carrie
Carrie who?
Carrie me home, my feet are tired!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
No-one.
No-one who?
(Remain silent!)
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jean.
Jean who?
Jeanius - you just don’t recognise it!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!
Food and Drink
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
No, Dr. Pepper!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut worry, it’s just a Knock, knock. joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don’t let me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I’d prefer a peanut.
Knock, knock.!
Who’s there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
Butter open quick, I’m desperate for the bathroom!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dimitri.
Dimitri who?
Dimitri is where di burgers grow!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce try this again tomorrow.
Who’s Knocking - Part 3
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jester.
Jester who?
Jester minute I’m trying to ënd my keys!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isadore.
Isadore who?
Isadore locked?, I can’t get in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ahmed.
Ahmed who?
Ahmed a big mistake coming here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabella.
Isabella who?
Isabella out of order?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jewell.
Jewell who?
Jewell know if you open the door!
General Jokes - Part 3
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
ermos.
ermos who?
ermos be a better knock-knock joke than this!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Evan.
Evan who?
Evan you should know who it is.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you answering the door for?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference, can you let me in anyway?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gary.
Gary who?
Gary on smiling!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Knock, knock.!
Who’s there?
Armageddon.
Armageddon who?
Armageddon out of here!
Knock, knock. .
Who’s there?
Irish
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lisa.
Lisa who?
Lisa you can do is let me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candace.
Candace who?
Candace be the last Knock, knock. joke?
Doctor, Doctor Jokes
Some Stupid Ones
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards.
I’ll deal with you later!
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a spoon.
en sit still and don’t stir!
Doctor, Doctor! Whenever I talk, people ignore me.
Next Please!
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got terrible wind. Is there anything you can give me?
Yes - have my kite!
Doctor, Doctor! I keep snoring so loudly I wake myself up.
Sleep in another room then!
Doctor, Doctor! My brother thinks he’s a lift.
Why didn’t he come in?
He doesn’t stop at this ìoor!
Doctor, Doctor! I keep seeing double.
Sit down on the couch please.
Which one?
Doctor, Doctor! I’m getting shorter and shorter.
You must be a little patient!
Doctor, Doctor! I’m addicted to brake ìuid.
I’m sure you can stop anytime!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I need glasses.
You certainly do - this is a newsagents!
Some General Ones
Doctor, Doctor! I keep comparing things to something else.
Don’t worry, it’s only analogy.
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a bridge.
What’s come over you?
So far three cars, a motorbike and a lorry!
Doctor, Doctor! My friend thinks he’s a parachute.
Tell him to drop in and see me!
Doctor, Doctor! I’m allergic to the high jump.
You’ll soon get over it!
Doctor, Doctor! I’m out of breath.
You must have îu.
No, I deënitely walked here!
Doctor, Doctor! I have a splitting headache.
I’ll need to axe you a few questions!
Doctor, Doctor! Sorry I’m late, I broke my ankle.
at’s a lame excuse!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a Shakespearian actor.
It’s just a stage you’re going through!
Doctor, Doctor! My wife thinks she’s a traffic warden.
Tell her I’ll meter later!
Doctor, Doctor! I’m allergic to perfume.
I’ll have you scent to a specialist!
Some Classic Ones
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like I’m a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together man!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a garbage can.
Don’t talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute, please!
Doctor, Doctor! It hurts wherever I touch myself.
at’s because you have a broken ínger!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m two different people.
One at a time please!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a yo-yo.
Don’t string me along!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a vampire.
Necks, please!
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got acute appendicitis.
You’ve got a cute face too!
Doctor, Doctor! All I can see is blue and yellow spots.
Have you seen a shrink?
No, just the spots!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a cricket bat.
How’s that?
Some Great Advice
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve just swallowed my pen.
Use a pencil!
Doctor, Doctor! Whenever I drink a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my
eye.
Take the spoon out!
Doctor, Doctor! Can I get a second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow.
Doctor, Doctor! Please help me out.
Certainly. Which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like I’m boiling.
Simmer down, please!
Doctor, Doctor! is is the second time I’ve broken my leg in the same place.
en I wouldn’t go back there again!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m turning invisible.
Yes, I can see you’re not all there!
Doctor, Doctor! I’m totally invisible.
I’m afraid I can’t see you now!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I have amnesia.
I’d just go home and forget about it!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m Tom Jones.
It’s not unusual!
Some Animal Ones
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a moth.
Why come and see me?
Well, there was a light on and I couldn’t help it...
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a spider.
at’s just a web of lies!
Doctor, Doctor! I feel shy because I think I’m a snail.
Well we’ll soon get you out of your shell!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a caterpillar.
I’m sure that one day you’ll change!
Doctor, Doctor! I smell of ësh.
Oh you poor sole!
Doctor, Doctor! I keep seeing a spinning insect.
Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around.
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a dog.
Sit!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an electric eel.
at’s shocking!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a pony.
No, you’re just a little hoarse!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a goat.
How long have you been like this?
Since I was a kid!
Some With Medicine
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a bell.
Take these twice a day and if it doesn’t help, give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor! Do you have anything for a bad headache?
Hit yourself with this hammer - that should do the trick!
Doctor, Doctor! Can you cure my measles?
I’m sorry, I never make rash promises.
Doctor, Doctor! I keep stealing things.
Have you taken anything for it?
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a needle.
I can see your point!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a racehorse.
Take one of these every four laps!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m Mozart.
I’ll be with you in a minuet!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m Moses.
I have some tablets for you!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an elevator.
You must be going down with something!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a dollar bill.
Take these pills and see if there’s any change in the morning!
Some More General Ones
Doctor, Doctor! I’m worried about my insomnia.
I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a small bucket.
Yes, you are a little pail!
Doctor, Doctor! I can’t stop playing Scrabble.
My word!
Doctor, Doctor! I can’t ënish my crosswords. What is wrong with me?
I haven’t got a clue!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a camera.
I’ll be with you in a îash!
Doctor, Doctor! I keep giving away money.
I’ll need to take a few notes!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m window and it hurts.
Show me where the pane is!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an accountant.
You’ve obviously ledger self go!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a race car.
You’re probably going round the bend!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a tennis racket.
You’re probably highly strung!
Some More With Animals
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a beaver.
Well it was nice gnawing you!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an owl.
Don’t be such a twit!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a duck.
I’m not a quack, you know!
Doctor, Doctor! I keep getting bitten by a squirrel.
You must be nuts!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a cow.
Pull the udder one!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a bee.
You again? Buzz off!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a snake.
I hope you’re not rattled!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a sheep.
at sounds baaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an elephant!
Try these trunkquilizers!
Doctor, Doctor! I keeping thinking I’m in Watership Down.
Stop rabbiting on!
Some With Food
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like an apple.
I’m sure we can get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like cheese biscuits.
You’re crackers!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a carrot.
Don’t get yourself in a stew!
Doctor, Doctor! I can’t stop eating Chicken Tikka.
Don’t try to curry favour like that!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a raspberry.
Well you’re in a jam!
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve just eaten twenty pancakes.
How waffle!
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear.
I think I’ve got some cream for that!
Doctor, Doctor! I have sponge, cream and jelly in my ear.
You must be a triîe deaf!
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve just eaten a quilt!
I can see you’re down in the mouth!
Doctor, Doctor! I’m allergic to liquorice.
Well, it takes allsorts!
Some of the Best Ones
Doctor, Doctor! I can’t stop lying.
I índ that very hard to believe!
Doctor, Doctor! I just swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor! I’m suffering from Déjà vu.
Didn’t I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor! I’ve swallowed a roll of ëlm.
Let’s hope nothing develops!
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a couple of wig-wams.
I think you’re too tense!
Doctor, Doctor! I keep losing my memory.
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a drill.
at must be boring!
Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a comedian.
You must be joking!
Doctor, Doctor! I keep dropping the ball.
I wouldn’t worry, it’s not catching!
Doctor, Doctor! My feet smell and my nose is running.
I think you were born upside down!
Lightbulb Jokes
General Jokes - Part 1
How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
at depends on what you want it changed into!
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey! You wanna go ride bikes?
How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Any more would be illogical!
How many Nitpicks does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. ey just let someone else change it then point out all the mistakes the bulbchanger
made!
How many Windows Vista installations does it take to change a lightbulb?
DRIVER_IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL
How many Greenpeace members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
How many misers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, it’s cheaper to sit in the dark!
How many Navy SEALS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change it and three to shout GO! GO! GO!
How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It’s a waste of time because the new bulb probably won’t work either.
How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’re convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Jobs - Part 1
How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?
What sort of answer did you have in mind?
How many censors does it take to change a lightbulb?
ree. One to **** the **** whilst the other two **** because ***!
How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to actually change it whilst the other four tell you how big the one they
nearly changed was!
How many road repairers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to screw the new one in whilst the other nine lean around on their
shovels.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight. One to install the new bulb, and seven to ígure what to do with the old one
for the next 10,000 years!
How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
ree. One to change it and two to hold the ladder.
How many cover blurb writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A vast and teeming horde, stretching from sea to shining sea...
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he’ll have to replace the whole socket and that’s expensive...
How many carpenters does it take to change a lightbulb?
No chance mate, that’s the electrician’s job!
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
General Jokes - Part 2
How many autocorrected text messages does it take to change a lightbulb?
Foux! ere to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to write down its serial number.
How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. ey prefer everything black anyway.
How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they have someone to come in and do that.
How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hundreds - Confucius say many hands make light work!
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
You don’t Know! You weren’t there, man!
How many mutants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two thirds!
How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn’t matter, we’re all gonna die anyway.
How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but she’ll be on the phone for íve hours telling all her friends about it.
How many up-tight Victorian gentlemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ahem. We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Politics, Religion and Philosophy
How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
How many social scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. ey do not change light bulbs - they search for the root cause as to why the
last one went out.
How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It’s no use trying to change it, it’s got to be SMASHED!
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: e light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Zen masters carry their own light.
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
ree, but they’re really all the same being.
How many Taoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. You cannot change a lightbulb. It is what it is.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
ey won’t actually try to change the bulb. ey’ll simply stop using the room that
has the burned out bulb, and start using only rooms with functioning bulbs. Over
the course of millions of years...
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two; one to screw it in, and one to observe how the bulb itself represents a single
incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation
today.
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