General Jokes - Part 1
Why did the clown go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling a little funny!
What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved!
Nothing, it just waved!
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code!
What is a robot’s favorite type of music?
Heavy metal!
Where did the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it’s two-tired!
Why was the broom late?
It over swept!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
To win the Nobel prize!
Animals
Where do polar bears vote?
e North Poll!
.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work!
How do you talk to a ësh?
You drop him a line!
What animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah!
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
What color socks do bears wear?
ey don’t wear socks, they have bear feet!
What’s black and white, black and white, black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill!
What did the ësh say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
How do bees get to school?
By school buzz!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
Crossing the Road
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To cockadoodle dooo something!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t been invented back then!
Why did the horse cross the road?
Because the chicken needed a day off!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side!
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Why did the clairvoyant cross the road?
To get to ‘the other side’!
In the Bar
A Horse walks into a bar...
e bartender says, “So. Why the long face?”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any helicopter
ìavored crisps?”
e bartender shakes his head and says, “No, we only have plain.”
A potato walks into a bar...
all eyes were on him!
A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would
you like?’ asks the barman.
e man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’
A skeleton walks into a bar...
He says, ‘I’d like a beer and a mop!’
omas Edison walks into a bar...
e bartender says, “I’ll serve you a beer, just don’t get any ideas.”
e barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar...
A bear walks into a bar and says ‘I’ll have a whisky and... soda.’ e bartender
says, ‘Why the big pause?’
‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them!’
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a pub.
e barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. “at will be
ten dollars please” says the barman. e hippo pays and starts to sip his beer.
“You know we don’t get many hippos in here” says the barman.
e hippo replies: “At ten dollars a drink I’m not surprised!”.
Criss Cross
What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline?
A milkshake!
What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot?
A walkie talkie!
What do you get when you cross a ësh with an elephant?
Swimming trunks!
What do you get when you cross a karate expert with a pig?
A pork chop!
What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get when you cross Batman & Robin with a steamroller?
Flatman & Ribbon!
What do you get when you cross a wolf and an egg?
A very hairy omelette!
What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!
What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
Ten feet of barbed wire!
The Sea
How do sailors wash their clothes?
ey throw their laundry overboard and it’s washed ashore!
What’s a pirate’s favourite country?
Aaaaaaaaaaargentina!
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 Pirates!
Why is it so easy to weigh ësh?
ey have their own scales!
What happens when you cross a great white shark with a cow?
I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to milk it!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck!
What did the mummy sardine tell her children when they saw a submarine?
Don’t worry, it’s only a tin of people!
Why do seagulls ìy over the sea?
Because if they îew over the bay they would be bagels!
What’s a pirate’s favourite Star Wars character?
Arrrrrrrrr 2 D 2!
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels!
Science
What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium!
What’s a nuclear physicist’s favorite meal?
Fission chips!
What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry labs?
Methylated Spirits!
Who solves mysteries involving electricity?
Sherlock Ohms!
Where does bad light go?
To prism!
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar...
And doesn’t!
An ion walks into a bar, says “I’ve lost an electron”. e barman says “are you
sure?”
e electron replies “yes, I’m positive!”
What did one electron say to the other electron?
Don’t get excited. You’ll only get into a state!
ere was a sale on particles the other week...
Neutrons were free of charge!
Do you know any jokes about sodium?
Na!
Rude Jokes
What ìies through the air and stinks?
A smelly-copter!
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny Farts!
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!
What’s yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick!
Why do mice have little balls?
Because they like to dance!
What’s pink, wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas?
Your mother!
Why did the beach blush?
Because the sea weed!
What’s brown, sounds like a bell and comes out of a cow backwards?
DUNG!
Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
Knock knock...
Who’ there...
Smell mop...
Smell mop who?
Yuk! No way!
General Jokes - Part 2
Why was the robot angry?
Because someone kept pushing his buttons
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because: 7 8 9!
What is brown and sticky?
a stick!
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a garage!
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head!
ere are two ësh in a tank...
One says to the other, “So how do you drive this thing?”
What was 30 feet long, had a two-foot-long beak, and left crumbs all over the
mattress?
Pretzelcoatlus!
Why are chefs cruel?
Because they batter ísh, beat eggs and whip cream!
Why did the clock in the cafeteria always run slow?
Every lunch it went back four seconds!
If you hear of any jokes about fish, will you let minnow?
The Best Jokes
What’s green and smells like blue paint?
Green paint!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs!
What is green and stands in the corner?
A naughty frog!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What has four wheels and ìies?
A garbage truck!
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby!
What’s did one tomato say to the other tomato?
You go ahead and I’ll ketchup!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a ësh?
You can’t tuna ísh!
What did one snowman say to the other?
“Can you smell carrots?”
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you’ll see!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scott.
Scott who?
Scott nothing to do with you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sam.
Sam who?
Sam person who knocked on the door last time!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aaron.
Aaron who?
Aaron the side of caution!
Knock, knock.!
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To whom, actually
.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Odysseus.
Odysseus who?
Odysseus just the last straw!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tennis.
Tennis who?
Tennis Five plus Five
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sacha.
Sacha who?
Sacha fuss, just because I knocked on your door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Genoa.
Genoa who?
Genoa any good knock knock jokes?
Who’s Knocking - Part 1
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don’t go around knocking on doors!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abbot.
Abbot who?
Abbot you don’t know who this is!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking for ten minutes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Freighter.
Freighter who?
Freighter open the door, are you?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!
Silly Jokes - Part 1
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
Your welcome!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annetta.
Annetta who?
Annetta wisecrack and you’re out of here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Was my joke so bad it made you cry?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
at’s some good yodelling there!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Well you sound pleased to see me!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighbourhood, thought I would drop by.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Alex-plain later!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappe
Animals
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
Cows go moo, not who!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla cheese sandwich for me and I’ll be right over.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Althea.
Althea who?
Althea later alligator!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jaws.
Jaws who?
Jaws truly!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
e impatient cow.
e impatient cow...
(interrupting) Mooooo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and OPEN THIS DOOR!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iguana.
Iguana who?
Iguana hold your hand!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Rhino.
Rhino who?
Rhino every knock-knock joke there is!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cuckoo Catch.
Cuckoo Catch Who?
(sing) Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know...
General Jokes - Part 2
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yule.
Yule who?
Yule never know!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Franz.
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countrymen...
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Winnie up.
Winnie up who?
Yes, and Tigger is here as well!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Maida.
Maida who?
Maida force be with you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mae.
Mae who?
Mae be I’ll tell you or Mae be I won’t...
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hal.
Hal who?
Hal who to you too!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Eve.
Eve who?
Eve who my hearties!
Knock, knock.!
Who’s there?
Venice.
Venice who?
Venice this door gonna open?
0 Comments