Mary:
We’ve got a new baby at
our house.
Terry: Is he going to stay?
Mary: I guess so. He brought all
his clothes.
We’ve got a new baby at
our house.
Terry: Is he going to stay?
Mary: I guess so. He brought all
his clothes.
Willie: Dad, can I have $5 so I can go
see Joey next door?
Dad: Why do you need $5 to go to
see Joey?
Willie: Because his mother said he was
at the movies!
Father:
Why did you put that frog in your
brother’s bed?
Ellie: Because I couldn’t find any worms!
Alfie: Dad, there’s a small PTA meeting
tomorrow that you have to come to.
Dad: If it’s a small one, do I have to go?
Alfie: Yes, you have to go. It’s just you,
me, and my teacher.
Johnny: Will you marry me?
Jenny: You have to ask my father first.
Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.
Jenny: And what did he say?
Johnny: He said he’s already married.
Ann: Do you have a grandfather?
Jan: No, but he’s okay.
Mother: Didn’t I ask you to pick up your
toys?
Son: I did, Mom—and when I was done
playing, I put them down again!
Mother:
Chuck, be careful with that
hammer. You might hit your fingers.
Chuck: No I won’t, Mom. Johnny’s going
to hold the nails.
Mother: Debby, I thought I told you to
put salt in the saltshaker.
Debby: I tried, Mom, but I couldn’t get
the salt through those little holes!
Father: Emily, have you seen the
newspaper?
Emily: Yes, Mother wrapped the garbage
in it and threw it out.
Father: Darn. I’d like to have seen what
was in it before she threw it out.
Emily: I can tell you what was in it,
Daddy. Some chicken bones, coffee
grounds, and old vegetables!
Timmy: My brother just got a puppy.
Jimmy: Do you help take care of him?
Timmy: No, my brother’s old enough to
take care of himself.
Father:
Son, I’ve got a surprise for you.
You’ve got a new baby sister!
Son: Oh! Does Mommy know about the
surprise yet?
Q: What do you call your mother’s father when he’s good to you?
A: A Grand-father.
Teddy:
Dad, can I please have a dime?
Dad: I think it’s time you stopped asking
me for dimes.
Teddy: Okay, how about a dollar?
Q: What always stays hot in the refrigerator?
A: Horseradish.
Voice over Phone:
Is your mother
home?
Girl: Yes, she is.
Voice: Will you call her to the phone,
please?
Girl: Okay, but I’ll have to go down the
street to get her.
Voice: I thought you said she was home!
Girl: She is. This is my friend’s house. I
live down the street!
Mother: Jackie! It’s after dark. You
should have been home an hour ago.
Jackie: Why? What happened?
Ann: Our house is going to be warm
this winter.
Pam: How do you know?
Ann: My father just painted it and he
gave it two coats.
Q: What’s a good time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty (2:30)..
Visitor: Can you play on the
piano, Judy?
Judy: No, my mother won’t let me climb
up there.
Don: My father’s a sound sleeper.
Ron: How do you know?
Don: His snoring wakes me up.
Dick: My father takes off his baseball cap
to only one person.
Rick: Who’s that?
Dick: His barber.
Susie: May I try on that dress in
the window?
Salesperson: I’m sorry, ma’am, you’ll
have to do it in the dressing room!
Shawn:
Does your mother tuck you in
every night?
Darrin: No, she plugs me in. I have an
electric blanket!
Mother: Bobby, there were 16 cookies in
the cookie jar. Now there are only two.
How do you explain that?
Bobby: I don’t know, Mom. I thought I
had gotten them all!
Mother:
Would you like me to give you
something for your cold?
Child: Yeah, how about a quarter?
Mother: How many times have I told you
not to come home late for dinner?
Child: I didn’t know I was supposed to
keep score.
Q: Why was the boy called Sonny?
A: Because he was so bright.
Mark:
My mother can make people do anything she wants them to. Maya: Really? How does she do it? Mark: She’s a hypnotist!
Q: What should you take off before going to bed?
A: Your feet from the floor.
Mother: Your cough sounds much better
this morning, Bridget.
Bridget: It should. I’ve been practicing
all night!
Mother: Here, Peter, this dust brush will
do half your work for you.
Peter: Great! Give me two of them.
Lauren: I have to go to the store to buy
my mother some toothpaste.
Warren: Why, are her teeth loose?
First Boy:
My brother won’t give me
anything of his.
Second Boy: Neither will mine.
The only thing he ever gave me was
chicken pox!
Mother: Tony, why is your little brother
crying?
Tony: Because I won’t give him any of
my candy.
Mother: But I gave both of you candy.
Has his been eaten already?
Tony: Yes, and he cried the whole time I
was eating it.
Mother: Danielle! I told you to watch
when the soup boils!
Danielle: I did, Mother. It boiled at
exactly 6:15!
Mother: Why did you take the hot dogs
out of the freezer?
Daughter: I was afraid they were
too cold!
Mother: Wendy, please come into the kitchen and help me fix dinner. Wendy: Why, is it broken?
Mother: Henry! How did the baby get all
these bumps on his head? Henry: Well, you said he was a bouncing baby boy. But I couldn’t get him to bounce!
There was
a young lad who said, “Why
can’t I have one more piece of pie?”
His mom said, “Pet,
you ate all you’ll get.”
So the lad could do nothing but cry.
There was
a young lad who said, “Why
can’t I have one more piece of pie?”
His mom said, “Pet,
you ate all you’ll get.”
So the lad could do nothing but cry.
Mother: Eat your green beans, Susie.
They’ll put color in your cheeks.
Susie: Who wants green cheeks?
Johnny:
My father bought my mother a
new spring outfit.
Tammy: Really? What did he buy her?
Johnny: A rake, fertilizer, and some
vegetable seeds.
Kendra: Mommy, Daddy just fell off the
25-foot ladder!
Mother: Oh, no! Is he hurt?
Kendra: No, he just fell off the first step.
Q: Why did Billy take a ruler to bed with him?
A: To see how long he slept!
Son: Dad, why are you spanking me? I admitted I chopped down the cherry tree. Even George Washington’s father didn’t spank him for that.
Father: Yes, but his father wasn’t in the tree when it happened!
Uncle:
Ally, I hear you went to the
dentist today. Were you brave?
Ally: Yes!
Uncle: Well, for being brave, here’s a
dollar. Now tell me, what did the
dentist do?
Ally: He pulled out one of my
brother’s teeth!
Mother: Jimmy, I thought I asked you to
tell Billy that he could come here after
supper.
Jimmy: That’s what he’s here after, Mom.
Dad: If you study hard, son, you’ll get
ahead.
Son: But Dad, I already have a head.
Sandy: Mom, is Dad still a growing boy?
Mom: No, why do you ask?
Sandy: Because his head is growing up
through his hair.
Q: What kind of parent allows the kids to go to bed with their shoes on?
A: A horse.
Jimmy: What have you got in that bag?
Timmy: Oats. It’s a birthday present for
my uncle.
Jimmy: Why oats?
Timmy: Because my mother says he eats
like a horse!
Jill:
My pop can hold up a car with
one hand.
Bill: Is he a weight lifter?
Jill: No, he’s a traffic cop!
Jack: What makes you think your
mother’s trying to get rid of you?
Mack: Because she wraps my school
lunch in a road map.
Young Man:
I’ve come to ask for your
daughter’s hand in marriage.
Girl’s Father: You’ve got to take
all of her or it’s no deal.
Betty: My sister caught her boyfriend
flirting.
Jenny: That’s how my sister caught her
boyfriend, too.
Mother: My goodness, Jerry, who gave
you that black eye?
Jerry: No one gave it to me. I had to fight
for it!
Mother: Alice, tomorrow we’re going to
the doctor to have your eyes checked.
Alice: But Mom, you know I like polka
dots better than checks!
Mike: I think my grandma must be a
gardener.
Bobby: How come?
Mike: She says I grow like a weed.
Annie:
Mother, the piano tuner is here.
Mother: Who sent for the piano tuner?
Annie: The neighbors!
Ike: I beat my brother up every morning.
Mike: Really?
Ike: Yep, I get up at seven, and he gets
up at eight.
Phil: My dad shaves at least a dozen
times a day.
Ronnie: How come?
Phil: He’s a barber.
Charlie: What are you giving your mom
and dad for Christmas?
Artie: A list of everything I want.
Q: What’s the best way to make anti-freeze?
A: Take away her electric blanket!
Mother:
Charles, why are you standing in
front of that mirror with your eyes closed?
Charles: I want to see what I look like
when I’m asleep!
Danny: My father’s studying to be
an astronaut.
Manny: That a fact?
Danny: Yep. His boss called my mother
and told her Pop was taking up space!
Ellen:
Our scout troup is going on a
10-mile hike!
Dad: When I was your age, I thought
nothing of walking 10 miles.
Ellen: I don’t think much of it, either
Aunt: Would you like to teach your new
baby brother how to talk, Susie?
Susie: No, I’d like to teach him how to
be quiet.
Mother:
Billy, why is it that you get into
more trouble than anyone else in the
family?
Billy: I guess it’s because I get up first.
Mae: My baby brother was born in a
hospital.
Fay: Why? Was he sick?
Mother: Georgie, will you please take
this pot of soup across the street to the
Smiths, and find out how old Mrs. Smith is?
Georgie: (Returning) Mrs. Smith said it’s
none of your business how old she is!
Mother: Junior, why did you put mud in
your sister’s mouth?
Junior: Because it was open!
Q: Why did Junior put ice in his father’s bed?
A: Because he wanted a cold pop.
Julie:
I’m writing a letter to my dog Fido.
Jill: But you don’t know how to write.
Julie: That’s okay. Fido doesn’t know
how to read!
Mom: It’s going to hurt me to punish
you, Son.
Son: Then don’t do it, Mom. I don’t want
you to hurt yourself.
Mother: How did you get that hole in
your new pants?
Jeff: I fell off the swings.
Mother: Why did you do that in your
new pants?
Jeff: I didn’t have time to take them off!
Jason: Where did you get those
beautiful eyes?
Jessica: Oh, they came with
my face.
Q: What do you call a dead parrot?
A: A polygone.
Marty: Mom, baby sister just swallowed
my pencil.
Mom: My goodness, we’ve got to do
something about that.
Marty: No, it’s okay, Mom. I’ve got other
pencils.
Father:
Patty, would you like to join me
in a bowl of soup?
Patty: Do you think there’d be room for
the two of us?
Dylan: Why are you looking so sad?
Ryan: We’re supposed to go on vacation
tomorrow, but my mother always gets
sick the night before we leave.
Dylan: Then why don’t you leave a day
early?
There once
was a girl named Flack,
Who lost her best dolly named Jack.
“Don’t cry,” said her mother,
“I’ll buy you another.”
Said Flack, “No. I just want Jack back!”
Q: What would you call your brother if he was afraid to swim in the ocean?
A: Chicken of the Sea.
Mary: My father’s a light sleeper.
Harry: Not my father. He sleeps in the dark
Molly: My mother cooked for 100 people
yesterday.
Polly: What was the occasion?
Molly: No occasion. She works in a
restaurant.
Susie: I always have to help my little
brother catch the bus.
Matt: How come?
Susie: He’s not strong enough to catch
a bus by himself!
Ned:
My brother sleeps on the bedroom
chandelier.
Fred: Why?
Ned: Because he’s a light sleeper!
Bess: My brother has three feet.
Tess: How do you know?
Bess: He wrote my mother from college
that he grew another foot.
Danny: Mother! The dog next door just
bit off my toe.
Mother: You can’t come in the house
now, Danny. I just washed the floor.
Mother: Denny, how did you get your
pants so wet?
Denny: I just washed them.
Mother: But why don’t you let them dry
before you put them on?
Denny: Because the label says, “Wash
and Wear!”
Salesman:
Will these stairs take me up
to your house?
Little Boy: No, you have to climb them
Tillie: (At restaurant) Mom, I can’t eat
this hamburger. It tastes awful!
Mother: Do you want me to call the
waiter?
Tillie: No, I don’t think he’ll be able to
eat it, either.
Father:
Son, when you grow up I want
you to be a gentleman.
Son: But I don’t want to be a gentleman.
I want to be just like you!
Delivery Man: Young man, is your
mother home?
Young Man: Do you think I’d be pulling
these weeds if she wasn’t?
Q: Why are baby girls dressed in pink and baby boys dressed in blue?
A: Because they can’t dress themselves.
Mother:
Mickey, I can’t hear you saying
your prayers.
Mickey: That’s because I’m not talking
to you.
Mother: You can’t leave this house until
you finish your alphabet soup.
Daughter: Honest, Mom, I can’t eat
another word.
Mother: Joey, why did I catch you with
your hand in the cookie jar?
Joey: Because I didn’t hear you coming
Ellie: When my mother’s down in the
dumps she always gets a new dress.
Nellie: I thought that’s where she got
them.
Q: Why did the little boy’s mother make him go to his bed?
A: Because the bed couldn’t come to him!
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