CHAPTER 1
COLD VIBES
Vatnajökull, Iceland
Vatnajökull is the biggest glacier in Europe, with an area of more than five
thousand stark blue-white miles. It is, for the most part, uninhabited and
desolate and, for scientific reasons, the perfect place for Artemis Fowl to
demonstrate to the Fairy People how exactly he planned to save the world. Also,
a little dramatic scenery never hurts a presentation.
One part of Vatnajökull that does see human traffic is the Great Skua
restaurant on the shores of the glacier lagoon, which caters to groups of ice
tourists from May to August. Artemis had arranged to meet the proprietor at this
closed for the season establishment very early on the morning of September first.
His fifteenth birthday.
Artemis steered his rented snowmobile along the lagoon’s rippling coastline,
where the glacier sloped into a black pool dotted with a crazy-paving pattern of
broken ice plates. The wind roared around his head like an excited crowd in a
stadium, carrying with it arrowheads of sleet that peppered his nose and mouth.
The space was vast and unforgiving, and Artemis knew that to be injured alone
on this tundra would lead to a quick and painful death—or at the very least abject
humiliation before the popping flashes of the tourist season’s tail end, which was
slightly less painful than a painful death, but lasted longer.
The Great Skua’s owner—a burly Icelander in proud possession of both a
walrus mustache with the wingspan of a fair-sized cormorant and the unlikely
name of Adam Adamsson—stood in the restaurant’s porch, popping his fingers
and stamping his feet to an imaginary rhythm and also finding the time to
chuckle at Artemis’s erratic progress along the lagoon’s frozen shore.
“That was a mighty display,” said Adamsson when Artemis finally managed to
ram the snowmobile into the restaurant’s decking. “Hell, harður maður. I haven’t
laughed that hard since my dog tried to eat his reflection.”
Artemis smiled dourly, aware that the restaurateur was poking fun at his
driving skills, or lack thereof. “Hmmph,” he grunted, dismounting the Ski-Doo as
stiffly as a cowboy after three days on a cattle drive, whose horse had died,
forcing him to ride the broadest cow in the herd.
The old man actually cackled. “Now you even sound like my dog.”
It was not Artemis Fowl’s habit to make undignified entrances, but without his
bodyguard Butler on hand, he had been forced to rely on his own motor skills,
which were famously unsophisticated. One of the sixth-year wits at St. Bartleby’s
School, the heir to a hotel fortune, had nicknamed Artemis Left Foot Fowl, as in
he had two left feet and couldn’t kick a football with either of them. Artemis had
tolerated this ribbing for about a week and then bought out the young heir’s hotel
chain. This choked the teasing off abruptly.
“Everything is ready, I trust?” said Artemis, flexing fingers inside his patented
Sola-Gloves. He noticed that one hand was uncomfortably warm; the thermostat
must have taken a knock when he’d clipped an ice obelisk half a mile down the
coast. He tugged out the power wire with his teeth; there was not much danger
of hypothermia, as the autumn temperature hovered just below zero.
“And hello to you,” said Adamsson. “Nice to finally meet you face-to-face, if
not eye-to-eye.”
Artemis did not rise to the forge-a-relationship lure that Adamsson had tossed
out. He did not have room in his life at the moment for yet another friend that he
didn’t trust.
“I do not intend to ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage, Mr.
Adamsson, so I think we can skip over any icebreakers you may feel obliged to
offer. Is everything ready?”
Adam Adamsson’s pre-prepared icebreakers melted in his throat, and he
nodded half a dozen times.
“All ready. Your crate is around the back. I have supplied a vegetarian buffet
and goody bags from the Blue Lagoon Spa. A few seats have been laid out too, as
bluntly requested in your terse e-mail. None of your party turned up, though—
nobody but you—after all my labors.”
Artemis lifted an aluminium briefcase from the SkiDoo’s luggage box. “Don’t
you worry about that, Mr. Adamsson. Why don’t you head back to Reykjavík and
spend some of that extortionate fee you charged me for a couple of hours’ usage
of your frankly third-rate restaurant and perhaps find a friendless tree stump to
listen to your woes?”
A couple of hours. Third-rate. Two plus three equals five. Good.
Now it was Adamsson’s turn to grunt, and the tips of his walrus mustache
quivered slightly.
“No need for the attitude, young Fowl. We are both men, are we not? Men are
entitled to a little respect.”
“Oh, really? Perhaps we should ask the whales? Or perhaps the mink?”
Adamsson scowled, his windburned face creasing like a prune. “Okay, okay. I
get the message. No need to hold me responsible for the crimes of man. You
teenagers are all the same. Let’s see if your generation does any better with the
planet.”
Artemis clicked the briefcase’s lock snap precisely twenty times before striding
into the restaurant.
“Believe me, we teenagers are not all the same,” he said as he passed
Adamsson. “And I intend to do quite a bit better.”
There were more than a dozen tables inside the restaurant, all with chairs
stacked on top, except for one, which had been dressed with a linen cloth and
laden with bottled glacier water and spa bags for each of the five places.
Five, thought Artemis. A good number. Solid. Predictable. Four fives are
twenty.
Artemis had decided lately that five was his number. Good things happened
when five was in the mix. The logician in him knew that this was ridiculous, but
he couldn’t ignore the fact that the tragedies in his life had occurred in years not
divisible by five: his father had disappeared and been mutilated, his old friend
Commander Julius Root of the LEP had been murdered by the notorious pixie
Opal Koboi, both in years with no five. He was five feet five inches tall and
weighed fifty-five kilos. If he touched something five times or a multiple of that,
then that thing stayed reliable. A door would remain closed, for example, or a
keepsake would protect that doorway, as it was supposed to.
Today the signs were good. He was fifteen years old. Three times five. And his
hotel room in Reykjavík had been number forty-five. Even the Ski-Doo that had
got him this far unscathed had a registration that was a multiple of five, and
boasted a fifty cc engine to boot. All good. There were only four guests coming to
the meeting, but including him that made five. So no need to panic.
A part of Artemis was horrified by his newfound superstition about numbers.
Get a grip on yourself. You are a Fowl. We do not rely on luck—abandon these
ridiculous obsessions and compulsions.
Artemis clicked the case’s latch to appease the number gods—twenty times,
four fives—and felt his heart slow down.
I will break my habits tomorrow, when this job is done.
He loitered at the maître d’s podium until Adamsson and his snow tractor had
disappeared over a curved ridge of snow that could have been a whale’s spine,
then waited a further minute until the vehicle’s rumbling had faded to an old
smoker’s cough.
Very well. Time to do some business.
Artemis descended the five wooden steps to the main restaurant floor
(excellent, good omen), threading a series of columns hung with replicas of the
Stóra-Borg mask until he arrived at the head of the laid table. The seats were
angled to face him, and a slight shimmer, like a heat haze, flickered over the
tabletop.
“Good morning, friends,” said Artemis in Gnommish, forcing himself to
pronounce the fairy words in confident, almost jovial, tones. “Today’s the day we
save the world.”
The heat haze seemed more electrical now with crackles of neon-white
interference running through it, and faces swimming in its depths like ghosts from
a dream. The faces solidified and grew torsos and limbs. Small figures, like
children, appeared. Like children, but not the same. These were representatives
of the Fairy People, and among them perhaps the only friends Artemis had.
“Save the world?” said Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon. “Same old Artemis
Fowl, and I say that sarcastically, as saving the world is not like you at all.”
Artemis knew he should smile, but he could not, so instead he found fault,
something that would not seem out of character.
0 Comments