What do you call a motor bike belonging to a witch?
A vrrroooooooom stick.
What’s a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.
What is evil, ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A witch dressed as a cucumber.
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won’t be able to see which witch is witch.
What witch is useful when it’s dark?
A lights witch.
Why did the witch give up fortune-telling?
There was no future in it.
What did the witch ask for when she booked into the hotel?
A broom with a view.
Did you hear about the kindly witch who took up weather forecasting?
She predicted sunny spells.
First witch: I went to the beauty parlour yesterday. I was there for three and a half hours.
Second witch: What did you have done?
First witch: Nothing. I was just there for an estimate.
A witch asked a beautician, “Do you think I’ll lose my looks as I get older?”
“With any luck, yes,” replied the beautician.
How can you tell when witches are carrying time bombs?
You can hear their brooms tick.
What do you give a witch at teatime?
A cup and sorcerer.
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an ‘appy rash.
What does a witch get if she is a poor traveller?
Broom sick.
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn’t take it far enough into the woods.
What name did the witch give to her cooking pot?
It was called-Ron.
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings.
What do you call a wizard from outer space?
A flying sorcerer.
Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party?
He was going as a banana.
What kind of witch lives on a beach?
A sand witch.
Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
Because they’re afraid of flying off the handle.
What happened to the stupid wizard who put in his false teeth back to front?
He ate himself.
What happened to the wizard who brushed his teeth with gunpowder?
He kept shooting his mouth off.
What do wizards do to get their kicks?
They drool over the pictures in Witch magazine.
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away the W.
Why doesn’t a witch wear a flat hat?
Because there’s no point in it.
What happened when the wizard turned a boy into a hare?
He’s still rabbiting on about it.
Why did the wizard wear red, white and blue braces?
To keep his trousers up.
What’s the first thing that a wizard does in the morning?
He wakes up.
What subject did the witch pass in school?
Spelling.
What do wizards stop for on the motorway?
Witch-hikers.
What do you call a massive witch doctor?
Mumbo jumbo!
What happened when a vicar saw a zombie with nothing on his neck?
He made a bolt for it.
Who do zombie cowboys fight?
Deadskins.
Do zombies like being dead?
Of corpse.
What do little zombies take to bed at night?
Their deady bears.
Why did the zombie go to hospital?
To have his ghoulstones removed.
What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?
What’s a zombie’s favourite game?
Corpse and robbers.
When can’t you bury people who live opposite a graveyard?
When they’re not dead.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees.
Did you hear about the ghoul’s favourite hotel?
It had running rot and mould in every room.
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid.
Why are cemeteries in the middle of towns?
Because they’re dead centres.
Why did the zombie go to hospital?
He wanted to learn a few sick jokes.
What did the depressed zombie say to his friend?
Mind if I pick your brain for a bit?
What do you call zombies in a belfry?
Dead ringers.
What does a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
It’s a dead-letter day.
Where do zombies go for cruises?
The Deaditerranean.
What did the zombie get his medal for?
Deadication.
What is a zombie’s favourite rock?
Tombstone.
What happened to the zombie who had a bad cold?
He said, “I’m fed up wid fuddy jokes aboud zondies.”
Why was the zombie’s nightclub a disaster?
It was a dead and alive hole.
Why do zombies learn Latin and Ancient Greek?
Because they like dead languages.
How do you know a zombie is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
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