What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A firequacker.
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
What says “quick quick”?
A duck with hiccups.
Where would you find a duck with no legs?
Where you left it.
What happens to ducks before they grow up?
They grow down.
What time does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
How do you make a domestic duck wild?
Pull its feathers.
What was the Ugly Duckling after it was five days old?
A six-day-old Ugly Duckling!
Which side of the Ugly Duckling has the most feathers?
The outside!
Why did the Ugly Duckling’s parents fly south for the winter?
Because it was too far to walk!
How do you start a book about ducks?
With an intro-duck-tion.
A duck walked into a chemist and said, “Give me some chap stick.”
“That’s three dollars,” said the chemist.
The duck said, “Put it on my bill please.”
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on to a stool. The grumpy bartender asks, “What do you want?”
The duck said, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “We don’t have grapes here, we serve drinks. Now get out.”
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops
on to a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, irritated, says, “I told you yesterday, we don’t serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out.”
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on to a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, now furious with the duck, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, “I’ve already told you twice that we don’t serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that one more time I’m going to nail your beak to the bar! Now get out!”
With that, the duck shrugs, hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender, puzzled, says, “No.”
The duck then looks him square in the eye and says, “Got any grapes?”
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.
What is an egg’s favourite Broadway musical?
Yolklahoma.
How do you make an egg roll?
Push it down a hill.
What happened to the clown who smashed an egg on another clown’s head?
The yolk was on him.
Which Shakespearean character had eggs on his head?
What do you call an egg from outer space?
An unidentified flying omelette.
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them.
How did the eggs leave the highway?
They went through the eggs-it.
What part did the egg play in the movies?
He was an egg-stra.
What do you call a sleeping egg?
Eggs-austed.
What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
They egg-cellerated.
What do you call an egg from outer space?
An egg-stra terrestial.
Why couldn’t the egg family watch TV?
Because their cable was scrambled.
What’s red, pink and blue with yellow all over?
An Easter egg rolling down the hill.
What kind of plants do eggs keep?
A tourist was checking out of a hotel when he noticed a Native American chief sitting in the lobby.
“Who’s that?” the tourist asked the hotel manager.
“That’s Big Chief Forget Me Not,” said the manager. “He’s ninety-eight years old and has the most amazing memory. He can remember every single detail of his life, right back to when he was just one year old.”
Intrigued, the tourist went over to the chief and tried to strike up a conversation.
“Hi,” said the tourist. “I hear you have the most incredible memory. I wonder, can you tell me what you had for breakfast on your eighteenth birthday?”
“Eggs,” answered the chief without hesitation.
“Thanks,” said the tourist, and he went on his way.
Over the coming months the tourist recounted this story to a number of people and was advised that the proper way to address an Indian chief was not “Hi” but “How”. A year later he was staying at the same hotel and to his delight, Big Chief Forget Me Not was still sitting in the lobby.
Remembering the correct etiquette, the tourist went over to him and said, “How?”
“Scrambled,” replied the chief.
Why didn’t the egg cross the road?
Because he wasn’t a chicken yet.
Humpty Dumpty has been found dead. Next of Kinder have been informed.
Did you hear about the eggs that got married?
After a while they separated.
What day does an egg hate the most?
Fry-days.
What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?
He cracked up.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a lousy summer.
Two eggs are sitting on a kitchen table. One of them spots a whisk and asks, “What’s that?”
The other egg looks puzzled and replies, “Beats me!”
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
How do you shoot a red elephant?
Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a purple elephant?
Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.
If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.
What do elephants have that nothing else has?
Baby elephants.
What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes and two tails?
Two elephants.
How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
You can’t close the door.
How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
There’s an empty Mini parked outside.
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why are golf balls small and white?
Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a plum?
Their colour.
What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
Here come the elephants.
What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
Here come the plums; she was colour blind.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colours?
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
How do you know if there is an elephant in the bar?
Its bike is outside.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the bar?
There is a dent in the crossbar of the bike.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the bar?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, you get down from a duck.
Why can’t an elephant ride a bicycle?
Because it doesn’t have a thumb to ring the bell.
Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Why are elephants grey?
Here come the plums; she was colour blind.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colours?
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
How do you know if there is an elephant in the bar?
Its bike is outside.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the bar?
There is a dent in the crossbar of the bike.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the bar?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, you get down from a duck.
Why can’t an elephant ride a bicycle?
Because it doesn’t have a thumb to ring the bell.
Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Why are elephants grey?
So that you don’t confuse them with cherries.
What do you say to an elephant on roller skates?
Don’t say anything. Just get out of the way.
What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
Stuck.
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can’t have elephants.
Why didn’t the elephant go on the Arctic expedition?
Because it was too much of a mammoth task.
Why do elephants have corrugated feet?
To give ants a fifty-fifty chance.
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet.
How does an elephant get up a tree?
He sits on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits until autumn.
Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
They couldn’t keep their trunks up.
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free parking.
What’s the difference between a biscuit and an elephant?
You can’t dip an elephant into your tea.
What’s the difference between a pickle and an elephant?
A pickle always forgets.
What’s the difference between a riddle and two elephants sitting on a bun.
One’s a conundrum and the other’s a bun-under-em.
What’s the difference between a sick elephant and a dead bee?
One’s a seedy beast and the other’s a bee deceased.
What’s the difference between a sleeping elephant, and one that’s awake?
With some elephants, it’s difficult to tell.
What’s the difference between a sneezing elephant and a spy?
Nothing – they’ve both got a code in their trunk.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Try picking them up – an elephant is usually heavier.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a large lettuce?
One is a funny beast, the other is a bunny feast.
How do you raise baby elephants?
With a crane.
What is an elephant’s favourite instrument?
A trumpet.
What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant’s shadow.
What is big and grey and bounces?
An elephant on a pogo stick.
Why don’t elephants smoke?
They can’t fit their butts in the ashtray.
What do you get if a herd of elephants tramples Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon.
Why are elephants so clever?
They have lots of grey matter.
Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody tells them anything.
Why did the elephant wear yellow overalls?
Because he split a seam in his blue ones.
Why couldn’t the elephants play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was sitting on the deck.
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get a new fence.
What did the hotel manager say to the elephant who couldn’t pay his bill?
Pack your trunk and get out.
What is grey, beautiful and wears a glass slipper?
Cinderelephant.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just gave out a little wine.
How do you know if you’ve annoyed an elephant?
It says, “Tusk, tusk.”
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About three thousand miles.
Why don’t elephants eat penguins?
Because they can’t get the wrappers off.
Why did the elephant eat the candle?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Why don’t elephants like playing cards in Africa?
Because of all the cheetahs.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smellyphant.
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn’t fall into the hot chocolate.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
Did you hear about the zoo keeper who had to look after the elephants and the walruses?
He was required to multitusk.
What’s grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when you’re ill?
A get wellephant.
What’s grey and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine.
Why do elephants have short tails?
Because they can’t remember long stories.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can’t make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?
What’s grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups.
Why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Because a snail carries its house and an elephant just carries its trunk.
A man was standing in the middle of a road with a box of elephant powder in his hands. He was spreading it all over the road when a policeman walked up to him.
The policeman asked him what he was doing and the man replied, “Spreading elephant powder around.”
The policeman laughed and said, “There are no elephants round here!”
The man replied, “Well, the powder must be working then!”
How can you tell if an elephant is sitting behind you in the bathtub?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
What is grey, has large ears, a trunk and squeaks?
An elephant wearing new shoes.
A lion was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The lion roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”
The deer replied, “Oh, you are, master.”
The lion walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The lion roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”
The zebra replied, “Oh, you are, master.”
The lion walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. “Who is the king of the jungle?” he roared.
With that the elephant picked up the lion with his trunk and threw him repeatedly at a tree. The lion scraped himself up off the ground and said, “Okay, okay, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer!”
What do you call an elephant who conducts an orchestra?
Tuskanini.
What’s the red stuff between an elephant’s toes?
Slow pygmies.
What do elephants have for lunch?
An hour, like everyone else.
Did you hear the joke about the prehistoric elephant?
Mastadon.
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten goals to nil, when the ants gained possession.
The ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants’ goal when the elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. “What on earth do you think you’re doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”
The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him – I was just trying to trip him up.”
How do you know when you’ve passed an elephant?
You can’t get the toilet seat down.
What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhoea.
First man: What have I got in my hands?
Second man: An elephant.
First man: You looked!
