What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A collie-flower.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What is a dog’s favourite city?
New Yorkie.
What dog can jump higher than a tree?
Any dog can jump higher than a tree. Trees don’t jump.
What has two thousand eyes and four thousand feet?
A thousand dogs.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot.
Which gun dogs formed a singing group?
The Pointer Sisters.
Who is a dog’s favourite comedian?
Growlcho Marx.
When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Take the words right out of his mouth.
Where was the dog when the lights went out?
In the dark.
Why did the dog’s owner think his dog was a great mathematician?
When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
What do you get if you cross a dog with an aeroplane?
A jet setter.
What composer is the favourite among dogs?
Poochini.
Two dogs met each other in the street. One dog stopped and said, “My name is Rover. What’s yours?”
The other dog thought for a minute and then replied, “I think it’s Down Boy.”
Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
Because it was a Boxer.
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A Great Dane out.
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound.
What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
Why wouldn’t the dog talk to its foot?
It’s not polite to talk back to your paw.
What happens if it rains cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.
Why was the male poodle polite to the female gun dog?
Because he didn’t want to diss a pointer.
What do dogs eat at the cinema?
Pup-corn.
What kind of dog goes into a corner every time the doorbell rings?
A Boxer.
What happened when the owner bought her pet a new anti-ageing dog lead?
He got a new leash of life.
What did the dog say to the tree?
Bark.
What is the special offer at the pet store this week?
Buy one dog, get one flea.
How many hairs are in a dog’s tail?
None. They are all on the outside.
If your dog jumped into a swimming pool, what is the first thing he would do?
Get wet.
What did the dog do when a man-eating tiger followed him?
Nothing. It was a man-eating tiger, not a dog-eating one.
What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
The wrong answer.
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter what you call him, he still won’t come.
How do you stop a dog smelling?
Put a peg on its nose.
What is worse than a dog howling at the moon?
Two dogs howling at the moon.
What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn’t a dog?
A puppy.
When do dogs have sixteen legs?
When there are four of them.
A woman went to the vet to collect her sick Rottweiler. The vet entered the room carrying the dog and said, “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to put your dog down.”
“Why?” sobbed the woman.
The vet said, “Because he’s too heavy.”
What do you call baby dogs in the snow?
Slush puppies.
How did the little dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied.
Why is a lost Dalmatian easily found?
Because he’s always spotted.
What kind of dog chases anything red?
A bulldog.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.”
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
“Ouch!” he says. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “That’s not my dog.”
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” his friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a rooster?
A cockerpoodledoo.
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
Dingo Starr.
How long are a dog’s legs?
Long enough to reach the ground.
Two dog owners bumped into each other in the street. One said, “I’m sick of my dog – he chases anyone on a bike.”
“What are you going to do?” asked the other. “Have him put down?”
“No, I think I’ll just take his bike away.”
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard – it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What do adult dogs say to their yapping pups?
Hush, puppies.
Why do dogs wag their tails?
Because no one else will do it for them.
A man sees a sign in front of a house advertising a talking dog for sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered I had this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, some puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy agrees to buy him and says to the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”
What’s a dog’s favourite food?
Anything that’s on your plate.
A woman saw an ad in the newspaper that read: “Purebred Police Dog For Sale $45”. Thinking it a bargain, she rang the number and bought the dog, but when the animal was delivered to her home, she found that it was just a scruffy-looking mongrel.
So she phoned the man who had sold her the dog. “How can you possibly call that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?” she complained. “No police force would employ such a dog!”
The man replied, “Don’t let his looks deceive you. He’s working undercover.”
A woman went to the cinema the other day and in the seats in front was an old man with his dog. It was a sad yet funny kind of film. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, the woman decided to go and speak to the man.
“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” she said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”
The man turned to her and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”
What does a dog get when it graduates from dog school?
A pedigree.
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
The bartender looks amused but says, “Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”
The man asks his dog, “What covers a house?”
“Roof!” the dog barks.
“How does sandpaper feel?” the man asks.
The dog barks, “Rough!”
The man asks one final question, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
The dog replies, “Ruth!”
The man says to the bartender, “Pay up, I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, says, “That dog can’t talk, he was just barking.” He throws the pair out of the pub.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “Or is the greatest player DiMaggio?”
A butcher is leaning on the counter near the end of the day when a dog with a basket in its jaws pushes open the door.
“What’s this then?” he asks. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins, causing the butcher to wince in pain. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten-dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried-up stuff that’s been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best meat from the fridge. Weighing out about two and a half pounds, he drops it on the scale with his thumb.
“Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”
Again, the dog growls menacingly so the butcher throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it, drops it in the basket, and adds the change from five dollars. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the pup home. The dog goes into a highrise building, enters the lift and pushes the button for the twelfth floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on a door. The door opens and the dog’s owner screams at the dog.
“Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” says the butcher.
“He’s a stupid dog,” says his owner. “That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.”
What goes “krab, krab, krab”?
A dog barking in a mirror.
What dog wears contact lenses?
What did the thirsty Dalmatian say after a nice long drink?
That hit the spots.
Two neighbours had been fighting each other for four decades. Then Bob buys a Yorkshire Terrier and teaches it to use Bill’s yard as a bathroom. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use Bill’s yard as a bathroom. After about a year and a half of Bob’s dogs using Bill’s yard as a bathroom, a truck pulls up in front of Bill’s house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the truck.
Bill replies, “My new pet elephant.”
What did the cowboy say when he saw a bear eat Lassie?
Well, doggone!
What do you get if you cross a terrier with a green vegetable?
A Jack Brussel.
What happened to the dog that was also a skilled blacksmith?
Every time the front door was opened he made a bolt for it.
Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?
Because he heard the ranchhand say, “Get along, little doggie.”
In a small, out-of-town bar, all the patrons became quite used to the owner’s little dog, so were quite upset when one day he died. They got together and decided to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of how the little dog used to wag his tail the whole time.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by St Peter, who questioned the little dog about where he was going.
The little dog said, “I have been a good dog – so I’m going into heaven where I belong!”
St Peter replied, “Heaven is a place of perfection. You cannot come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail?”
So the little dog explained what had happened back on earth and St Peter told him to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
“My goodness, it’s the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?” said the bartender.
The little dog explained that he wasn’t allowed into heaven without his tail and he needed it back.
The bartender replied, “I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn’t allow me to re-tail spirits after hours.”
Did you hear about the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than his bite.
What happened to the blind dog?
He kept barking up the wrong tree.
Why did the man call his dog Camera?
Because it was always snapping.
Why couldn’t the Eskimo’s dog bark very loudly?
Because he was a little husky.
What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
Wire-haired terriers.
A man arrives for the auditions for a TV talent show with a dog and a cat under each arm. The TV producer watches in amazement as the cat sings a beautiful ballad accompanied by the dog on piano. At the end of the song, the producer applauds wildly and tells the man he definitely wants the piano-playing dog and the singing cat for his show.
The man looks surprisingly glum. “I have a confession to make,’ he says. “This act is not quite what it seems.”
“How do you mean?” asks the producer.
The man replies, “The dog’s a ventriloquist.”
A woman walks into an exclusive pet store and says that she wants to buy a blue sweater for her dog. The sales assistant suggests bringing the dog in to ensure a good fit.
“I can’t do that,” says the customer. “The sweater is a surprise!”
Why was the dog always angry?
It was a cross breed.
Two Dachshunds watching a firework display marvelled as a rocket flashed across the sky.
“Wow!” said the first Dachshund. “I wish I could fly like that.”
“You would,” said the second Dachshund, “if your tail was on fire!”
In the days of yore, a knight was on his way to do something terribly important, riding his horse into the ground to get to his destination as fast as possible. After being ridden too hard for too long, the horse became lame, and coming to a small town, the knight headed straight for the stables.
“I must have a horse!” he cried. “The life of the King depends upon it!”
The stablekeeper shook his head. “I have no horses,” he said. “They have all been taken in the service of your King.”
“You must have something – a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?” the knight asked.
“I have nothing,” the stablekeeper said, “apart from a large dog.”
“Show me,” the knight said.
The stablekeeper led the knight into the stable. Inside was a dog, but no ordinary dog. This dog was a giant, almost as large as the horse the knight was riding. But it was also the filthiest and smelliest dog that the knight had ever seen.
Reluctantly, the knight said, “I’ll take it. Where is the saddle?”
The stablekeeper walked over to a saddle near the dog and started gasping for breath, holding the walls to keep himself upright. “I can’t do it,” he told the knight.
“You must give me the dog!” cried the knight. “Why can’t you?”
The stablekeeper said, “I just couldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.”
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet.
Two dogs went into Carnegie Hall and asked for tickets to a concert. The ticket seller looked at them in amazement. “You’re dogs!” she exclaimed. “What could you possibly know about classical music?”
“What do you mean?” said one of the dogs. “I Bach and he Offenbach.”
How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your back yard.
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
Because you can’t bury them in trees.
Why did the dog say “Miaow”?
He was learning a foreign language.
A woman, carrying a small dog in her arms, boarded a bus in New York City and earnestly begged the conductor to tell her when they reached 42nd Street. As she seemed unusually anxious, he said he would.
At the first stop they made after leaving 72nd Street, she glanced appealingly at the other passengers.
At the next stop she half rose to her feet.
“59th!” called the conductor.
At 50th Street she stumbled forward, but the conductor laid a detaining hand upon her arm.
“Not yet, ma’am. I told you I’d tell you when we get there,” he said.
“How soon will we get there?” she asked, breathlessly.
The conductor looked wearily at her. “I’ll tell you when we get there,” he repeated.
At last, looking pointedly at her, he shouted loudly, “42nd Street! 42nd Street!”
The woman clutched her dog and, standing up, lifted him to the window.
“Oh, Fido,” she said, almost tearfully. “Look, look, Fido! That’s 42nd Street, where you were born.”
