The morning bus was very crowded, and a man on his way to work became more and more annoyed by the little boy next to him who kept sniffing loudly. Eventually he could stand it no longer.
“Haven’t you got a handkerchief?” he demanded, irritably.
“Yes,” replied the boy. “But I’m not allowed to lend it to strangers.”
First boy: Do you always bathe in dirty water?
Second boy: It was clean when I got in.
A little girl was scribbling furiously over some paper with a pencil when her mother asked her what she was drawing.
“I’m not drawing, Mom,” she said indignantly, “I’m writing a letter to Billy.”
“But you can’t write,” her mother pointed out.
“That’s all right,” said the little girl. “Billy can’t read.”
Timmy was watching his dad build a pine bookshelf. “What are the holes?” asked Timmy.
“They’re knot holes,” replied his father.
Timmy was puzzled and said, “So what are they if they’re not holes?”
Boy: I lost my dog.
Girl: Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?
Boy: Don’t be silly! He can’t read.
Mother: Who was that on the phone?
Child: Oh, just a woman saying it was long distance from China. But I told her I already knew that!
How did the child get a flat nose?
His teacher told him to keep it to the grindstone.
First boy: I won twelve goldfish at the fair.
Second boy: Where are you going to keep them?
First boy: In the bath.
Second boy: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
First boy: Blindfold them.
Why did the invisible mother take her invisible child to the doctor?
To find out why he wasn’t all there.
Billy and his sister Jenny were arguing at the dinner table. “You’re so stupid!” yelled Billy.
“That’s quite enough of that!” said their father. “Now Billy, I want you to apologize to your sister.”
“Okay,” said Billy. “Jenny, I’m sorry you’re stupid.”
What did the mother call her identical twin boys?
Pete and Repeat.
Why did the child put his hand in the fuse box when the weather got hot?
He heard that fuses blew.
Girl: What did you get that little medal for?
Boy: For singing.
Girl: What did you get the big one for?
Boy: For stopping!
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty land, and inevitably their arrival captured the attention of the family’s six-year-old daughter, who soon started chatting to the workmen. They responded by inviting her to join them on their tea breaks and virtually made her one of their gang. They even gave her little jobs to do and rewarded her at the end of the first week by presenting her with her very own pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took the dollar home to her mother, who suggested that they take it to the bank to open a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller asked the little girl how she had come to earn a dollar at such a young age.
The little girl replied proudly, “I’ve been working all week with a crew building a house.”
“My goodness!” exclaimed the teller. “And will you be working on the house next week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those useless morons at the lumber yard ever bring us the goddam bricks!”
A man had invited the boss and his wife for dinner, and it was little Johnny’s job to set the table. But as everyone sat down to eat, Johnny’s mother noticed that the boss’s wife didn’t have any cutlery. She asked Johnny, “Why didn’t you give Mrs Smith a knife and fork, dear?”
“I didn’t think I needed to,” said Johnny. “I heard Dad say she always eats like a horse.”
Mother: Why are you crying?
Boy: Because my new sneakers hurt.
Mother: That’s because you’ve put them on the wrong feet.
Boy: But they’re the only feet I have!
A little boy came downstairs in tears late one night.
“What’s wrong?” asked his mother.
He sobbed, “Is it true, like they said in church, that people turn to dust when they die?”
“Yes, they do,” replied his mother.
“In that case,” he wailed, “somebody has died under my bed!”
If Mr and Mrs Bigger had a child, who would be the biggest of the three?
The baby, because he’s a little Bigger.
A little boy came running into the kitchen. “Dad, Dad,” he cried, “there’s a man at the door with a really ugly face!”
“Tell him you’ve already got one,” said his father.
Why did the parents call both of their sons Edward?
Because two Eds are better than one.
A little boy rides his bike and stops in front of a church as the priest comes out.
The priest says, “Come inside, I want to show you something.”
The little boy says to the priest, “But somebody will steal my bike.”
The priest says to him, “Don’t worry, the Holy Spirit will watch it.”
So the little boy goes inside and the priest says, “Let me show you how to do the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now you try it.”
So the boy says, “In the name of the Father and the Son, Amen.”
The priest asks, “What happened to the Holy Spirit?”
The boy replies, “He’s outside, watching my bike.”
A man phones a computer helpline and says, “Help, I’ve pushed a piece of bacon into my computer’s disk drive.”
The assistant asks, “Has it stopped working?”
The man replies, “No, but there’s a lot of crackling.”
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How do computers make sweaters?
On the interknit.
Why was the computer in pain?
It had a slipped disk.
Why was the computer so thin?
Because it hadn’t had many bytes.
Why did the cat sit on the computer?
To keep an eye on the mouse.
What sits in the middle of the world wide web?
A very, very big spider.
A man went into a store and said, “I bought this computer yesterday and I found a twig in the disk drive.”
The sales assistant said, “I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to speak to the branch manager.”
What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?
Sorry, you’re not my type.
Why did the boy computer mouse like the girl computer mouse?
What did the mouse say to the webcam?
Cheese.
What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.
Why did the idiot take his computer to the shoe shop?
Because he had been told to re-boot it.
Did you hear about the email that was circulating saying that swine flu could be caught through tinned pork and ham?
People were advised not to open it because it was just spam.
Which way did the programmer go?
He went data way.
What do you get if you stuff your computer’s disk drive with herbs?
A thyme machine.
What does a computer eat when it’s hungry?
Chips – one byte at a time.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
What is a computer’s favourite type of music?
Disk-o.
Why do tailors love internet forums?
Because they are full of threads.
What is a cursor?
Someone who is getting angry at his computer.
How does the biologist like to communicate?
With his cell phone.
When do computer files blush?
When they’re unzipped.
What happened to the telegraph operator who accidentally sent the same message twice?
He was remorseful.
What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
A slipped disk.
How do you fix a broken website?
With stick e-tape.
Why couldn’t the apple send an e-mail to the orange?
Because the lime was busy.
Why did the gorilla log on to the internet?
To send chimpanzee-mail.
What goes choo choo choo while online?
Thomas the search engine.
How did the proud computer describe his son?
A microchip off the old block.
Why don’t Vikings send e-mails?
They prefer to use Norse code.
Why would an elf use the internet?
To get answers for his gnomework.
How do dolphins send messages?
They use sea-mail.
What did the lumberjack enjoy most about the internet?
Logging on.
Which search engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger use?
Alta Vista baby.
Have you seen the boxing website?
Yes, it really knocked me out.
Have you seen the bus website?
Yes – it’s just the ticket.
Have you seen the Dalmatian website?
No – I haven’t spotted it yet.
Have you seen the dynamite website?
Yes, it really blew my mind.
Have you seen the goldfish website?
Yes, I was really bowled over.
Have you seen the hypnosis website?
Yes, but it put me to sleep.
Have you seen the new fishing website?
No, it’s not online yet.
Have you seen the new fruitcake website?
Yes – it’s my currant favourite!
Have you seen the umbrella website?
Yes, but it went right over my head.
Have you seen the tomato sauce website?
No, I’ll ketchup with it later.
Have you heard about the ruler website?
Yes – people are going to great lengths to see it!
Have you heard about the new opticians’ website?
Yes, it’s a site for sore eyes.
Have you heard that there’s a new mountain website?
Really? I must take a peak at it.
Have you seen the history website?
Yes, but it was a long time ago.
Have you seen the dessert website?
Yes, it was a trifle boring.
Have you seen the amnesia website?
I can’t remember.
What are the three swiftest means of communication?
Telephone, telegraph and tell-asecret.
Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?
Because he had a chip on his shoulder.
A man bought a new computer and after setting it up couldn’t wait to try it out. But as soon as he clicked on an icon he was alarmed to see roots suddenly starting to grow out of the screen. These were followed by a huge trunk, branches and finally leaves.
In desperation he phoned the computer helpline. He told them, “All I did was click on an icon and these roots, branches, leaves and a trunk began growing from the screen. They’re all over my desk. What’s going on?”
“There’s no mystery, sir,” replied the helpline advisor. “Haven’t you heard of the saying from little icons mighty oak trees grow?”
Why did the bull rush?
Because it saw the cow slip.
What do you call a cow in the Arctic?
An eskimoo.
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was an udder catastrophe.
What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull on to the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull said, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here for five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which hundred of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain’t giving him any of mine.”
The second bull said, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here for three years and have earned my right to the fifty cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I’m keeping all of my cows.”
The third bull added, “I’ve been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have ten cows. I may not be as big as you fellows yet but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it – the biggest bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to breaking point.
The first bull said, “Ahem… You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull nodded, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
The first bull said to him, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The youngest bull replied, “Hey, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.
What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Use a cowculator.
Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
To the moovies.
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don’t work.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?
If a papa bull eats three bales of hay and a baby bull eats one bale, how much hay will a mama bull eat?
Nothing. There is no such thing as a mama bull.
Two cows are in a field. One goes, “Mooooo.”
The other cow says, “I was going to say that.”
What is a cow’s favourite party game?
Moosical chairs.
What do you call a cow that cuts grass?
A lawn mooer.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a duck?
Cream quackers.
What is the best way to stop milk from turning sour?
Leave it in the cow.
A visitor from the city asked the farmer how long cows should be milked. The farmer replied, “About the same as short ones!”
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What does a cow make when the sun comes out?
A shadow.
Cow: Why don’t you shoo those flies?
Bull: No, I’ll let them go barefoot.
What do you call cows with a sense of humour?
Laughing stock.
If you had twelve cows and six goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Does running out of a burning barn make cows unusual?
No, only medium rare.
Once there was a cattle rancher who, after two years of trying, finally found a buyer for his oldest bull, Caesar. The new owner was the rancher’s closest neighbour and lived on the other side of the river across the valley.
“Well,” said the rancher to his cowhands, “it’s time to take this bull across the river to his new home.”
So the men roped Caesar and walked him down to the river. They were about to put him on the boat when the rancher’s son, who had helped to raise Caesar, begged, “Can we just take him for one last munch in his favourite meadow?”
The other hands thought it was a reasonable request and led the bull for a snack in the field. With the sun beating down on them, they forgot all about the job in hand and fell asleep.
Three hours later, the rancher realized that the bull was still on his land. Angrily, he rushed down to the valley and woke up the men.
“What do you think you’re doing!” he yelled. “This bull should have been on the boat and across the river hours ago! We’ve come to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!”
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
How did the cow feel after swallowing a hand grenade?
Abombinabull.
A black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A driver came racing around the corner with no lights on but slammed on the brakes just in time to miss the cow. How did the driver see the cow?
It was daytime.
Why is it a waste of time telling a cow a secret?
Because it will just go in one ear and out the udder.
What do you call a cow with holes in it?
Holy cow!
A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. Noticing a bull nearby, he said to the farmer, “Is that bull safe?”
The farmer replied, “Well, he’s a lot safer than you are right now!”
Why do cows enjoy hearing jokes?
They like to be amoosed.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
Because he wanted chocolate milk.
How do bulls drive their cars?
They steer them.
What kind of car does a cow drive?
A cattelac.
A devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious Bible from the cow’s mouth, looked up to the heavens and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands.
How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
What did the calf say to the silo?
Is my fodder in there?
Teacher: I asked you to draw a cow eating grass, but you’ve only drawn the cow.
Pupil: Yes, Miss. The cow ate all the grass.
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed.
What goes ooo, oooo, ooooo?
A cow with no lips.
What do you call a bull you can put in the washing machine?
Washable.
A farmer told a neighbour that he had to shoot one of his cows.
“Was it mad?” asked the neighbour.
“Well,” said the farmer, “it wasn’t too happy about it.”
How can you tell a cow is exceptional?
It’s out standing in its field.
Where does a cow eat?
In a calf-eteria.
Which two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
Why did the farmer take the cow to the vet?
Because she was so mooo-dy.
What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody’s herd.
What kind of milk do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia.
