No, I’ve never heard of it,” said the documentary maker.
“Mate, you’re crazy,” the Aborigine replied. “How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven’t seen the Butcher Dance?”
“Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?”
“No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree.”
“Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?”
“Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It’ll take you many days of travel to go see it.”
“Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.”
“Okay, mate,” the Aborigine replied, shrugging. “You drive north along the highway toward Darwin. After 197 miles, you’ll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see a huge dead gum tree – the biggest tree you’ve ever seen. Here you gotta leave your car, because it’s much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you’ll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it’s much too difficult to cross the mountains there. So you head south for half a day until you see a pass through the mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It’ll take you two, maybe three, days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a huge rock – twenty feet high and shaped like a man’s head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you’ll find the village. You’ll be able to see the Butcher Dance there.”
So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail’s pace. Consequently, he didn’t reach the tree until dusk, and was forced to set up camp there for the night.
He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.
The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life’s dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back-breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.
When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he had come to film the Butcher Dance.
“Oh mate,” he said. “Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance.”
“Well, when do you hold the next dance?”
“Not till next year.”
“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?”
“No, no, no!” the chief exclaimed. “Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year.”
Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and return home.
The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance was performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.
But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally, they had to abandon their vehicles barely halfway to the tree and slog through the mud on foot. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.
Then, before they had travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew badly sprained his ankle, slowing down the rest of their journey. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been travelling, they staggered into the village at the stroke of noon.
“The Butcher Dance!” the man gasped. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late to see it!”
The chief recognized him and said, “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time.”
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds’ feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.
“What’s he doing?” the documentary maker whispered to the chief.
“Hush,” the chief replied. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.”
The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The documentary maker himself became caught up in the fervour of the moment. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing, “You butch yer right arm in, you butch yer right arm out, in, out, in, out, you shake it all about…”
An elderly woman was walking along the street on her way home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Martin Hale’s Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of time and aching muscles. She walked into the car dealership and happened to be served by the owner himself. He asked her what kind of car she wanted and she replied, “Well, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.”
The owner thought for a moment, then said, “Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury. We have a couple on the lot. What colour do you prefer?”
The lady had some trouble explaining the exact colour to him, so she reached into her shopping bag, took out an ear of corn, stripped down the shucks and said, “I want this colour.”
Mr Hale replied, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this colour. Could I show you a nice blue one?”
“No,” said the woman. “I want this colour.”
“But they didn’t make that colour!” explained the owner. “Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?” he suggested, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady was really mad. She started throwing things at Martin Hale and chased him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, noticed the disruption and asked the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replied, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn.”
A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in sea creatures and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.
To put this to the test, they studied the world’s flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring creature would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.
It turned out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.
A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.
One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and had just walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises.
A boy was on his way to school one morning when he saw the words “Red Ruby” written on a wall. He had no idea what they meant, so when at the end of the first lesson of the day the teacher asked if there were any questions, the boy raised his hand.
“What is Red Ruby?” he asked.
The teacher immediately flew into a rage and sent him to the principal.
The principal wanted to know why the boy had been sent to him. The boy explained, “When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant, and she yelled at me and sent me here.”
“What are the words?” asked the principal.
“‘Red Ruby’,” answered the boy.
The principal immediately freaked out and expelled him on the spot.
At home his mother asked him why he had been expelled. He said, “When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant, and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me.”
“What are the words?” asked his mother.
“‘Red Ruby’,” answered the boy.
His mother immediately yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father to get home.
When his father got home he said to the boy, “So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today? Tell me what happened.”
So the boy said, “When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant, and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home, Mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything, and she asked me what the words were. When I told her, she sent me up here to wait for you.”
“Well, son, what are the words?” asked the father.
“‘Red Ruby,” answered the boy.
His father exploded and kicked him out of the house.
As the boy was wandering the streets, he ran into some friends. They said, “Hey, what’s going on? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out.”
So the boy said, “When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything, and she asked me what the words were. When I told her, she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out.”
“Wow! What are the words?” asked the friends.
“‘Red Ruby,” answered the boy.
His friends immediately started beating him up until a hobo came by and scared them off.
The hobo said, “I just saved your life. Why were they all beating you up?”
The boy said, “When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her, she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him, he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything, and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up.”
“So what are the words?” asked the hobo.
“I don’t know if I should say,” answered the boy.
“Come on, I just saved your life,” said the hobo. “Don’t be ungrateful.”
“Very well,” said the boy. “The words were ‘Red Ruby’.”
The hobo freaked out and started beating the boy up until a cop came along to break it up.
The cop asked the boy what happened. The boy said, “When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked me if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything, and she asked me what the words were. When I told her, she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him, he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything, and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The hobo came by and scared them off and then he asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him, he began beating me up.
“What were the words?” asked the cop.
“‘Red Ruby,” answered the boy.
The cop put the boy into handcuffs and took him to jail.
The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said, “When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked me if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything, and she asked me what the words were. When I told her, she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told
him everything he asked me the words and when I told him, he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything, and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. A hobo came by and scared them off, then he asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him, he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after I had explained the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him, he handcuffed me and took me to jail.”
“What were the words?” asked the judge.
The boy said, “Haven’t you been paying attention? I’m not going to tell you because they keep landing me in trouble.”
The judge warned him that he would get into even more trouble if he didn’t reveal the words.
So the boy reluctantly said, “Red Ruby.”
The judge was appalled and sentenced the boy to ten years in jail.
The cons in jail were curious about their new cellmate, so they asked him what he was in for. The boy said, “When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything, and she asked me what the words were. When I told her, she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him, he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything, and then they asked me what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. A hobo came by and scared them off, then he asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him, he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after I had explained the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him, he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him, he gave me ten years.”
His cellmates were amazed at the story and wanted to know what the words were.
Taking a deep breath, the boy answered, “Red Ruby.” He spent the next ten years getting beaten up.
The day he was released from jail he met a beautiful woman. She said, “You look like you’ve had a rough time. What happened?”
So the man said, “When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn’t know what they meant. So when the teacher asked me if there were any questions, I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there, he asked me what had happened and I told him everything, and he asked me what the words were and when I told him, he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything, and she asked me what the words were. When I told her, she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him, he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything, and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. A hobo came by and scared them off, then he asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him, he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after I had explained the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him, he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything, and then he asked me the words and when I told him, he gave me ten years. All of my cellmates asked me what the words were and I took a deep breath and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beaten up.”
“That is so awful!” exclaimed the beautiful woman. “What were the words?”
“Do you think I’m stupid?” exploded the man. “I’m not going to tell you the words. They’ve brought me nothing but grief for more than ten years!”
“Oh, come on,” purred the beautiful woman. “I won’t do anything to you.”
Against his better judgement the man relented. “Okay,” he said. “The words were ‘Red Ruby’.”
“Red Ruby?” asked the beautiful woman, her eyes ablaze with passion. “You see that hotel across the street? Meet me there in one hour and I will tell you the meaning of ‘Red Ruby’.”
The man was ecstatic. He was finally going to learn what ‘Red Ruby’ meant after all this time. An hour later, he set off across the street in eager anticipation, but as he stepped off the kerb he was hit by a bus and killed.
The moral of the story – look both ways before crossing the street.
