Why did the sheep fall over the cliff?
He didn’t see the ewe turn.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What did the well-mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?
After ewe.
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a rainstorm?
A wet blanket.
What do you get if you cross a lamb with a spaceship?
The Star-sheep Enterprise.
Did you hear about the snobby lamb?
He thought he was a cutlet above the rest.
One Christmas, two businessmen built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flocking tried to take a short cut across the rink but the sheep were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it.
As the shepherd desperately tried to tug the sheep to the other side, one businessman turned to the other and said, “Look. That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice.”
What sort of food can you get in a pub run by sheep?
Why do white sheep eat more than black ones?
Because there are more of them.
What do you get if you cross a lamb and a penguin?
A sheepskin dinner jacket.
A man needing a heart transplant was informed by his doctor that the only heart available was that of a sheep. The man wasn’t at all sure about this at first but he eventually agreed and the doctor successfully transplanted the sheep’s heart into the patient.
The next day, the doctor was doing his hospital rounds and asked the man how he was feeling.
The man replied, “Not baaaad!”
How do sheep keep warm in winter?
They use central bleating.
Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Virginia Sheep.
Teacher: Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six jumped over a fence. How many would be left?
Pupil: None.
Teacher: None? You don’t know your numbers.
Pupil: And you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!
Teacher: Did you know that it takes three sheep to make one jumper?
Pupil: I didn’t even know sheep could knit!
Why did the sheep smash through the shop window?
He was a ram raider.
Which sheep drives a racing car at 180 mph?
Jenson Mutton.
Once upon a time there was a really clever female sheep in Mexico, who knew how to make butter and buttermilk. One night she sneaked across the border into the United States and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the produce to passing motorists. Traffic was extremely heavy and inevitably the sight of a sheep making butter and buttermilk proved so distracting that there was an accident.
The police duly investigated and charged the farmer with attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway..
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no body to go with.
Why are skeletons usually so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What do skeletons say before a meal?
Bone appetit.
What happened when the skeletons jumped on pogo sticks?
They had a rattling good time.
Why do skeletons hate winter?
Because the cold goes right through them.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.
What did the skeleton have for dinner?
Ribs.
Why couldn’t the skeleton do a bungee jump?
He didn’t have the guts.
Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
I love every bone in your body.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why did the skeleton play the piano?
Because he didn’t have any organs.
What do you call a stupid skeleton?
Bonehead.
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
Because he was a numbskull.
What musical instrument does a skeleton play?
The trom-bone.
What happened to the skeleton who stood by the fire too long?
He became bone dry.
What do boney people use to get into their homes?
Skeleton keys.
What happened to the skeleton who went to a party?
Everyone used him as a coat rack.
What kind of plate does a skeleton eat off?
Bone china.
What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the morning?
Lazybones.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Why wasn’t the bank robber skeleton afraid of the police?
Because he knew they couldn’t pin anything on him.
What do you call a skeleton in a kilt?
Boney Prince Charlie.
A skeleton walked into a bar and said, “I’d like a beer and a mop…”
Did you hear the joke about the skunk?
Never mind, it stinks.
How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?
Just a phew.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur?
A stinkasaurus.
How can you tell when a skunk is angry?
It raises a stink.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a hot-air balloon?
Something that stinks to high heaven.
What’s a skunk’s favourite game in school?
Show and smell.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang?
A bad smell that keeps coming back.
Why couldn’t the skunk use her phone?
It was out of odour.
How much money does a skunk have?
One scent.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a bear?
Winnie the Pooh.
What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up?
A big stink.
What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said, “Whatever shall we do?”
The other skunk replied, “Let us spray.”
What’s the difference between a skunk and a squirrel?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.
What did one skunk say to the other?
And so do you!
Why did the skunk buy five boxes of paper tissues?
Because he had a stinking cold.
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?
Odour in court.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with an owl that has lost its voice?
A bird that stinks but doesn’t give a hoot.
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smellicopter.
A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.
One day In was outside, so she asked her other baby, “Out, go out and find In. In’s out and I want him in. I’ve been looking for In outside for ages. I can’t find In, he is out so go out, find In and bring him in.”
“What?” said Out.
His mother said, “In’s out, so Out go out, find In and bring him in. I’ve been looking for ages and can’t find In. I want In in. Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him.”
So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow.
His mother asks, “Out, how did you find In so quickly?”
Out replies, “In stinked.”
What snake is good with numbers?
An adder.
A snake slithers into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you here.”
“Why not?” asks the snake.
“Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What subject do snakes like at school?
Hiss-tory.
What do you get if you cross a snake with a Lego set?
A boa constructor.
Why can’t you play jokes on snakes?
Because you can never pull their legs.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes?
You can’t venom all.
A baby snake asked its mother, “Mom, are we poisonous?”
His mother replied, “No, son, we’re not poisonous.”
“Thank goodness for that!” said the baby snake.
“Why do you ask?” said the mother.
The baby snake replied, “Because I just bit my tongue.”
Why was the rattlesnake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
How do you stop a snake from striking?
Pay it decent wages.
How did the cobra find the Indian?
Charming.
What do you call a snake that operates as a police informer?
A grass snake.
What’s a snake’s favourite TV show?
Monty Python.
What’s a serpent’s favourite song?
Snake, Rattle and Roll.
A male and female python were slithering amorously down the path when they met a black mamba.
“Who’s that you’re with?” said
the mamba to the male python.
“It’s my latest squeeze,” replied the python.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and larders.
What do you do if you find a cobra in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you get if you cross a trombone and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
An elderly snake went to the optician to have his eyes tested. The optician gave him a pair of glasses and sent him on his way.
Two days later, the snake returned looking thoroughly miserable.
“What’s the matter?” asked the optician. “Are you having problems with your new glasses?”
“No, the glasses are fine,” sighed the snake. “But I’ve just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past ten years!”
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you call an organization for people who love snakes?
A fang club.
A woman ordered a snake over the internet, but when the package arrived the box contained nothing but a feather stole. The police said the boa cons tricked her.
What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner?
I’ll just have a slither.
What’s the best thing about venomous snakes?
They’ve got poisonality.
Which hand should you use to pick up a poisonous snake?
Someone else’s.
What do you call a snake that’s trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do snakes have written on their bath towels?
Hiss and hers.
What do you get if you cross Madonna with a twenty-foot-long snake?
A singalong.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day.
The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, “You’re soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.”
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said, “You’re thick-skinned, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a math teacher.”
What kind of snake would you find on your car?
A windscreen viper.
Why did the viper viper nose?
Because the adder adder tissue.
Which snakes disobeyed Noah when he said, “Go forth and multiply.”
The adders.
Why did the boy become an astronaut?
Because he was no earthly good.
What do astronauts wear to keep warm?
Apollo-neck sweaters.
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships?
At parking meteors.
Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a few minutes.
You see, it had no atmosphere.
Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet?
The one with the biggest head.
How do spacemen pass the time on long trips?
They play astronauts and crosses.
Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon?
He wanted to see stars during the day.
An astronomer was studying the stars in the night sky through a telescope. In particular, he was trying to locate the brightest star of all but kept focusing on other stars by mistake. Eventually, he stood up in frustration, looked to the heavens and yelled, “You cannot be Sirius!”
Four astronauts were in a spaceship. They had eight cigarettes but no matches. How did they light their cigarettes?
They threw one cigarette overboard and that made the spaceship a cigarette lighter.
Where does Dr Who buy his ham and cheese?
At a dalek-atessen.
Why are astronauts successful people?
Because they always go up in the world.
How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and the final front ear.
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet?
To boldly go where no man has been before.
What do astonauts get when they’re far apart?
Spaced out.
Why didn’t the astronauts stay on the moon?
Because it was a full moon, and so there was no room.
Why is the moon like a dollar?
It has four quarters.
How do you know when the moon is broke?
It’s down to its last quarter.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it, man.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Missiletoe.
Who wears a black helmet, a black cape, breathes heavily and stands in over a foot of water?
Darth Wader.
What’s an astronaut’s favourite drink?
Gravi-tea.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams.
What did the space man say when he stepped on a giant chocolate bar?
I have just set foot on Mars.
What do dentists call an astronaut’s cavity?
A black hole.
What happened to the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
First spaceman: I’m hungry.
Second spaceman: So am I, it must be launch time.
What do you call a loony spaceman?
An astronut!
A boy says to his father, “I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.”
His father replies, “What high hopes you have.”
What makes the moon pale?
Atmos-fear.
Jupiter came down to Earth one day and decided to help two criminals to rob a bank. However, the police caught the gang and the three of them found themselves in court.
The judge sentenced the two Earthlings to fifteen years, and Jupiter was a bit shocked when he was sentenced to ten years.
“But your honour,” protested Jupiter, “I didn’t even take part in the robbery.”
“That’s all very well,” said the judge, “but you helped them… Planet.”
What did the stupid spy do when he found his room was bugged?
He sprayed it with DDT.
Two spies escaped from the enemy over the Alps into neutral Switzerland during the war. As they began to feel safe, one spy started to tell the other what he had found out in enemy territory. The other advised him to speak quietly.
“Why?” asked his friend, a little puzzled. “There’s nobody around for miles. I could scream and not a soul would hear us up here. Mountains can’t hear.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” replied the other. “Haven’t you heard of mountain ears?”
What do you call a secret agent who hangs around at department stores?
A counterspy.
What do you call an underwater secret agent?
James Pond.
What do you call a magical secret agent?
James Wand.
When one of the CIA’s operatives disappeared off the radar, they called in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss said, “This man is a master of secrecy, so he’ll be tough to track down. All I can tell you is that his name is Jones and that he’s in a small town somewhere in Wales. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words: “The forecast is for mist on the hills.” And if you’ve got the right man, he will respond: “But I hear it’s sunny in the valleys.”
Armed with this limited information, the spy hunter set off for rural Wales and arrived in a suitably remote small town. Reasoning that the local pub was the centre of the community, he engaged the barman in friendly conversation. After exchanging pleasantries about the picturesque countryside, eventually the spy hunter said, “Perhaps you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Jones.”
The barman laughed. “You’ll have to be more specific than that, my friend, because there are hundreds of men named Jones in this area. There’s Jones the bread, who runs the baker’s shop across the road; Jones the meat, who is the local butcher; Jones the nail, who runs the hardware shop two doors down; not to mention Jones the bank, Jones the hotel and Jones the travel. As a matter of fact, my name is Jones, too.”
Hearing this, the spy hunter figured he might as well try the code words on the barman. So he leaned over and whispered, “The forecast is for mist on the hills.”
The barman replied, “Oh, you want Jones the spy! He lives at number fifty-two, halfway up the hill.”
