Because it was a cup draw.
Why did the struggling soccer manager shake the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty.
Why was the goal post fed up?
Because of the cross bar.
What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms.
What should a soccer team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs.
What did the football say to the footballer?
I get a kick out of you.
Why do artists never win when they play soccer?
Because they keep drawing.
A soccer match was short of a referee so one of the team’s captains walked into the pub and asked if there was a referee present.
One man stepped forward and said, “I’m a referee.”
“Have you stood before?” asked the captain.
“Of course I have, and my three friends here will vouch for that,” was the reply.
“Thank you for offering, but I don’t think we’ll accept.”
“You don’t think I’m a referee?”
“Quite frankly I don’t, because I’ve never heard of a referee having three friends.”
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a soccer team’s defence?
A flat back four.
What do you get if a soccer team’s defence goes to Ikea?
A flat-pack four.
What position did the obese footballer play?
Centre-forward.
What happened when a team of brooms played a team of brushes?
They all wanted to be the sweeper.
Soccer manager: Our new striker cost twenty million, and I call him our wonder player.
Fan: Why’s that?
Manager: Because every time he plays, I wonder why I signed him!
Referee: I’m sending you off.
Player: What for?
Referee: The rest of the match!
The Seven Dwarfs were in a cave when the roof suddenly collapsed. Snow White ran to the entrance and yelled down to them.
From the dark depths of the cave a voice cried out, “West Ham are the best team in Europe.”
Snow White said, “Well, at least we know Dopey’s alive!”
Once upon a time there was a big soccer match between the insects and the animals. The entire jungle turned out to watch in the expectation of a comfortable victory for the animals. With the giraffe winning everything in the air and the cheetah sprinting down the wing, the animals led 1–0 at halftime.
It was then that the insects’ coach decided to make a change. He took off the dung beetle, who was having a stinker, and brought on the earwig, wearing a shirt with the number 0 on the back, because it was the only one that would fit him. Anyway, the earwig was a revelation, and with the bee buzzing in midfield and the moth managing to keep away from the floodlights, the insects fought back.
With ten minutes left, the earwig equalized. Then, in the final minute, the spider weaved his way down the left and crossed the ball for the earwig to score a sensational winning goal. All the insect supporters went wild and burst into the familiar chorus of earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0…
SWIMMING
Why did the swimmer keep doing the backstroke?
Because he’d just had his lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach.
What is a swimmer’s favourite sport?
Pool.
TENNIS
A woman bought a tennis racket as a present for her son but when he tried it out, the strings were too tight, so she took it back to the shop to have it restrung.
Three days later, the racket was delivered back to her house but to her horror she saw that all the strings had been removed. It was nothing but the frame.
So she marched round to the shop to complain. “That tennis racket I bought the other day. Now it’s got no strings! Why have you taken them all out?”
“Well, madam,” explained the shop manager, “you see, we operate on a no-returns basis.”
Why is tennis the noisiest game?
Because you can’t play it without raising a racket.
Why do waiters enjoy playing tennis?
Because they are good at serving.
Why couldn’t the tennis player boil a kettle?
She’d lost all her matches.
BOWLS
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes.
BOXING
What did the boxer have written on his gravestone?
You can stop counting, I’m not getting up.
Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano?
His undertaker.
CHESS
All the world’s top chess players show up at a hotel for an important international tournament. They spend the first hour hanging around the lobby, telling each other of their recent victories. They get progressively louder and louder as they try to outdo their competitors. Other guests at the hotel look on disapprovingly at the noisy group and some complain to the manager. Eventually, the hotel manager gets tired of hearing them. He throws them out of the lobby and tells them to go to their rooms.
“If there’s one thing I can’t stand,” he says, “it’s chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.”
CRICKET
The small village cricket ground was crowded. Everyone had come to see the two Australian fast bowlers who were guests on the visiting team.
The village captain won the toss and decided to bat, which was a poor decision on his part. In the first over one fast bowler took all six wickets. The second over produced one run and the fall of the remaining four wickets.
“It must be disappointing for the crowd,” said one of the village players.
“Yes,” agreed the captain. “But at least they got a run for their money.”
It hadn’t rained for months and the Indians were worried about the drought.
“Let us do the English Rain Ritual,” said one Indian.
“What is that?”
“When I was in England, I saw two men in white coats hammer six sticks into the ground, then two men carrying clubs came out and stood in front of the sticks and then eleven more men came out blowing on their hands. Then one of the white coats shouted “Play”, and that’s when the rain came pouring down!”
A cricketer died and went to Heaven. One day he looked down to Hell, and there to his amazement he saw a cricket ground with fielders out and batsmen at the crease.
“I say,” he said to St Peter, “look at that. A cricket match about to start. And you call that Hell? Why, I’d love to be playing.”
“So would they,” smiled St Peter. “But they haven’t got a ball.”
The cricket team captain was rather surprised when a horse arrived and asked for a trial. The captain suggested that the horse play in the match that was about to begin.
“What number do you bat?” he asked the horse.
“I usually open,” came the reply.
So the horse opened the innings, clad in whites and wearing a brightly coloured cap at a rakish angle over one ear. Every ball he played in the first over was a boundary, four fours and two sixes.
The bowling changed and the batsman pushed the first ball he received gently to the covers and shouted “One” as he ran. The horse didn’t move and the batsman was run out. As he stalked by the horse he said, “It was my call. Why didn’t you run?”
“Run?” replied the horse. “Don’t be daft, I can’t run. If I could run, I’d be at Ascot and not playing this stupid game!”
A husband phoned the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife, but his call accidentally went through to the local cricket ground.
The husband asked, “How are things?”
The reply came, “Seven are out already, there could be another one out any minute, and the first one was a duck!”
DARTS
Two men were playing darts in a competition. The second player was left with 100 to win. His first dart went in the treble twenty and his second dart was a single twenty, leaving him double ten for the match. He took careful aim but his final throw hit the wire and rebounded into the head of a nun who was sitting in the front row, killing her instantly.
The match announcer boomed out the score: “One nun dead and eighty.”
What happened when the man said he didn’t understand darts?
His friend explained some of the finer points.
FISHING
The local angling club was having its annual dinner and presentation of trophies. When the members arrived, they were surprised to see all the chairs spaced several feet apart. One of them said to the caterer, “That’s a strange way to arrange seats for a party.”
The caterer explained, “We always do it like that so that members can do full justice to their fish stories.”
Two fishermen were talking on the riverbank. One said, “I love fishing. The fresh air. The solitude. Man against nature. Tell me, why do you fish?”
The other replied, “My daughter’s learning the violin.”
GOLF
Fred Flintstone and one of his buddies from work, Rex Rock, decided to knock off early one day and have a round of golf. They hadn’t played at the Dinosaur Graveyard Golf Course for a while, so they thought they would give it a try.
A unique feature of the course was its hazards. Instead of the standard sand traps, water and trees, this course, as its name suggested, was littered with the carcasses of prehistoric beasts.
Rex, in particular, struggled to come to terms with the layout of the course. He endured a torrid time, hooking one shot, slicing the next, and was soon trailing Fred by more than a dozen shots. He couldn’t wait for the round to end.
On the 17th hole he overhit his approach shot to the green and his ball landed in the cranial cavity of a Tyrannosaurus skull.
“Look at that lie!” grumbled Rex. “How am I supposed to play a shot from there?”
“Just quit yer complaining,” said Fred, “and hit the ball off the T, Rex.”
Why are old socks good for golf?
Because they have eighteen holes.
What is a golfer’s favourite meal of the day?
Tee time.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
To perfect his swing.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport. The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the bee nut. It is a fastening attachment that allows players to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, players can use the same club to putt with as they use to get out of a sand trap.
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players everywhere are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new bee-nut putter sand-wedge.
GYMNASTICS
What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
What did the trampolinist say?
Life has its ups and downs but I always bounce back.
How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion.
HORSE RACING
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout ‘alleee oop!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first fence. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the jump.
What’s the difference between a racehorse and a duck?
One goes quick, the other goes quack.
They carry on and approach the second fence. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “alleee oop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the middle of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells “alleee oop!’” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this stupid horse. What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf? He’s not deaf, he’s blind!”
Why are clouds like jockeys?
Because they hold the reins.
A woman was considering buying a decrepit old thoroughbred but wanted a vet’s opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed his examination, she asked, “Will I be able to race him?”
The vet looked at the woman and then at the horse. “Sure,” he replied. “And you’ll probably win!”
Why did the racehorse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys.
Why was the racehorse named Bad News?
Because bad news travels fast.
A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
ICE SKATING
What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate?
The ice.
What’s brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean.
MARTIAL ARTS
What happened to the army karate champion?
The first time he saluted he nearly killed himself.
Did you hear about the sick martial arts teacher?
He had kung flu.
POOL AND SNOOKER
Two owls were playing pool. One said, “Two hits.” The other said, “Two hits to who?”
Did you hear about the underwater snooker player?
He was a pool shark.
SOCCER
What’s the chilliest ground in the Premiership?
Cold Trafford.
How did the soccer pitch end up as a triangle?
Somebody took a corner.
What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot.
What do a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks.
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music.
What do soccer players drink?
Penaltea.
What do you call a person who shouts all the way through a football match?
A foot bawler.
Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
A soccer referee walked into a bar. The bartender thought, “It’s all going to kick off now!”
Why did a soccer player take a piece of rope on to the pitch?
He was the skipper.
Which Greek philosopher was great at football?
Soccerates.
What do you call an overweight vicar who plays football?
The roly-poly-holy-goalie!
What lights up a football stadium?
A football match.
Which soccer team loves ice cream?
Aston Vanilla.
What is a goalkeeper’s favourite snack?
Beans on post.
Where do football directors go during a dull match?
The bored room.
What’s the difference between Accrington Stanley and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Which Argentinian footballer was a fluorescent colour?
Dayglow Maradona.
Why do managers take suitcases to away games?
Because they need to pack the defence.
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
Because it was a cup draw.
Why did the struggling soccer manager shake the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty.
Why was the goal post fed up?
Because of the cross bar.
What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms.
What should a soccer team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs.
What did the football say to the footballer?
I get a kick out of you.
Why do artists never win when they play soccer?
Because they keep drawing.
A soccer match was short of a referee so one of the team’s captains walked into the pub and asked if there was a referee present.
One man stepped forward and said, “I’m a referee.”
“Have you stood before?” asked the captain.
“Of course I have, and my three friends here will vouch for that,” was the reply.
“Thank you for offering, but I don’t think we’ll accept.”
“You don’t think I’m a referee?”
“Quite frankly I don’t, because I’ve never heard of a referee having three friends.”
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a soccer team’s defence?
A flat back four.
What do you get if a soccer team’s defence goes to Ikea?
A flat-pack four.
What position did the obese footballer play?
Centre-forward.
What happened when a team of brooms played a team of brushes?
They all wanted to be the sweeper.
Soccer manager: Our new striker cost twenty million, and I call him our wonder player.
Fan: Why’s that?
Manager: Because every time he plays, I wonder why I signed him!
Referee: I’m sending you off.
Player: What for?
Referee: The rest of the match!
The Seven Dwarfs were in a cave when the roof suddenly collapsed. Snow White ran to the entrance and yelled down to them.
From the dark depths of the cave a voice cried out, “West Ham are the best team in Europe.”
Snow White said, “Well, at least we know Dopey’s alive!”
Once upon a time there was a big soccer match between the insects and the animals. The entire jungle turned out to watch in the expectation of a comfortable victory for the animals. With the giraffe winning everything in the air and the cheetah sprinting down the wing, the animals led 1–0 at halftime.
It was then that the insects’ coach decided to make a change. He took off the dung beetle, who was having a stinker, and brought on the earwig, wearing a shirt with the number 0 on the back, because it was the only one that would fit him. Anyway, the earwig was a revelation, and with the bee buzzing in midfield and the moth managing to keep away from the floodlights, the insects fought back.
With ten minutes left, the earwig equalized. Then, in the final minute, the spider weaved his way down the left and crossed the ball for the earwig to score a sensational winning goal. All the insect supporters went wild and burst into the familiar chorus of earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0 earwig 0…
SWIMMING
Why did the swimmer keep doing the backstroke?
Because he’d just had his lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach.
What is a swimmer’s favourite sport?
Pool.
TENNIS
A woman bought a tennis racket as a present for her son but when he tried it out, the strings were too tight, so she took it back to the shop to have it restrung.
Three days later, the racket was delivered back to her house but to her horror she saw that all the strings had been removed. It was nothing but the frame.
So she marched round to the shop to complain. “That tennis racket I bought the other day. Now it’s got no strings! Why have you taken them all out?”
“Well, madam,” explained the shop manager, “you see, we operate on a no-returns basis.”
Why is tennis the noisiest game?
Because you can’t play it without raising a racket.
Why do waiters enjoy playing tennis?
Because they are good at serving.
Why couldn’t the tennis player boil a kettle?
She’d lost all her matches.
Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them.
First man: All tennis players are witches.
Second man: What are you talking about?
First man: It’s true. Remember Goran? Even he’s a witch.
TRACK AND FIELD
Who was the fastest runner?
Adam. He was first in the human race.
How do you start a jelly race?
Get set.
A kitchen knife and a spoon had a race. Who won?
Neither. It ended in a drawer.
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run.
At the Olympic Games, a girl bumps into a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
“Excuse me,” says the girl to the man. “Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man. “I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”
What is harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath.
Why was the electrician disqualified from the race?
He made a short circuit.
Did you hear about the two fat men who ran the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts.
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.
What is a runner’s favourite subject at school?
Jog-raphy.
What happens to athletes wearing bad footwear?
They suffer the agony of defeat.
