Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the no bell prize.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the laboratory?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Science teacher: What is Ba + Na2?
Pupil: Banana.
Why do scientists look for things twice?
Because they re-search everything.
What happened to the mad scientist who created a liquid that could burn through any material?
He spent the rest of his life trying to invent something to hold it in.
The science teacher asked her class whether anyone could remember the chemical formula for water.
“Yes,” said one pupil brightly. “It’s HIJKLMNO.”
“It’s what?” snapped the teacher.
“Well, you told us last week it was H to O.”
A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they asked their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone National Park to study the bears. Finally, their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.
They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given mobile phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.
Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, “You know what this means, don’t you?”
The other ranger responded, “I guess it means the Czech’s in the male.”
Science professor: Now what can you tell me about atoms and mass?
Student: I didn’t even know they were Catholic!
Ted and his girlfriend Alice lived in Texas, but Ted had always wanted to see the amazing natural sky illumination known as the northern lights. Alice was less enthusiastic but decided that a few days in Canada would at least be a nice break from Houston.
So they drove all the way up to Canada. By the time they arrived, Ted was beside himself with excitement. The northern lights were fantastic – the greatest light show he had ever seen. The whole sky was ablaze with colour. Ted jumped out of the car and took in the wonder of it all, but his girlfriend stayed in the vehicle reading a magazine. Ted couldn’t believe her lack of interest. So eventually he went over to her and said, “What’s the matter? Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?”
A major highway had a toll bridge spanning a river. Cars and trucks had to stop at a toll booth and pay a fee to a collector who would then raise the gate to allow the vehicle to cross the bridge. However, the job was not without incident. From time to time, a wide truck would smash into one of the toll booths, forcing the collector to close his booth and move to a new one while repairs were carried out.
One of the collectors, George, had his own special method of dealing with damage to his booth. Whenever a truck or car smashed into it, he would gather up all the little pieces of brickwork, re-assemble them, and in no time at all his toll booth would be open again and ready for business. His fellow collectors were puzzled about how it was that a crash caused George only minor inconvenience.
“I don’t understand,” said one. “How is that whenever a truck smashes into my toll booth I have to call a crew to repair it, but you seem to be able to re-assemble yours yourself in just a few hours?”
“It’s simple,” said George. “I use Toll Gate Booth Paste.”
A man was driving down the road when his car broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery, knocked on the door, and said, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accepted him, gave him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound. The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man was disappointed but thanked them for their hospitality and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks accepted him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asked what it was, but the monks replied, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man said, “Listen, I’m dying to know what that sound is. If the only way I can find out is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks replied, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He announced, “I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks replied, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He asked for the key, the monks gave him it and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
Finally, the monks said, “This is the last key to the last door.” Greatly relieved, the man slowly unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is, because you’re not a monk.
Back in the days of the Wild West, Dodge City was just about the toughest place in America. Yet along with the saloons and gambling dens the town also boasted a lively little theatre group.
One year, the group was due to put on a version of Swan Lake, but on the day of the dress rehearsal it was discovered that moths had got into the tutus. The outfits were damaged beyond repair but luckily the producer heard of a company in Kansas City that had some spare tutus. The proprietor promised to send the garments over on a special train.
Back at Dodge, everyone was rushing around making las-tminute preparations for the show but someone needed to go to the station to fetch the tutus. Eventually, Butch, the biggest, meanest hombre in town, offered to go.
Butch had no sooner arrived at the station and taken a seat than the station master timidly asked whether he might be of any assistance.
“Nah,” growled Butch. “I’m fine. I’m just waiting for the tutu train.”
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and handed it to the chief with instructions to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
Three weeks later, the medicine man returned to see if the chief was feeling any better. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
On holiday in France, an American man bumped into an Egyptian. They began to make small talk, and after the discussion had been carrying on for a little while, the Egyptian decided to pull out his wallet and show pictures of his family to the American.
When the American saw the picture of the Egyptian’s family, he was shocked. “Hey, that looks like my son,” he said, referring to one of the Egyptian’s children. “That looks just like my Juan!”
The Egyptian explained, “About fifteen years ago, I went to Mexico to drill for oil. While I was there, my wife and I decided to adopt a young boy. We named him Amal and he’s grown up with us.”
The American said, “Well, about fifteen years ago, my wife and I were stationed at the Mexican embassy. We adopted Juan and now he’s in high school. I wonder if your boy and mine are twins?”
Sure enough, the boys had the same birthday and they agreed that the two boys must have been twins. After the holiday ended, they agreed to meet in Los Angeles and have a big reunion. Of course, the news media received word of this and were eagerly anticipating the arrival of the young boy from Egypt.
However, to the disappointment of the crowd that had assembled, it was announced that the plane would be over four hours late.
Juan’s mother said to the media, “You might as well go home. There’s no point in waiting here.”
“Why would we want to do that?” asked a reporter.
“Well,” she replied, “they’re identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Gene Kelly made An American In Paris in the studios in Hollywood. The next year he decided to make a film that would be shot on location in Paris. So he went there with the camera crew, and the first scene called for Kelly to ring the bell in the belfry at Notre Dame Cathedral. He pulled on the rope and pulled and pulled and got
carried away, failing to notice that the bell had come loose from its casters. It fell out of the belfry, pulling the rope, with Gene Kelly still hanging on, into the river below.
Improvizing as best he could under the circumstances, Kelly trod water and kept on pulling the rope. The director in the belfry heard a ringing, gurgling sound below and called down with his megaphone to ask what was going on. Kelly replied, “I’m ringing in the Seine! I’m ringing in the Seine!”
A man ran an ice delivery service. Most of his customers were bar owners. One day, he was on the way to making his last delivery – to Sue’s Bar – when he passed Jane’s Joint. As he did so, Jane flagged him down and said breathlessly, “I’m sorry, I forget to order any ice this week. Is there any spare you could let me have?”
“Sorry,” said the driver. “I only have ice for Sue.”
Penny was a hard-working, conscientious girl, whose dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped and saved until finally she had enough money to book a ticket on a luxury liner.
It was a wonderful experience on board the liner until one night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. At that precise moment, the ship also lurched to port, pitching Penny overboard. Members of the crew jumped into a lifeboat and after about five minutes they found her. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late; poor Penny was dead.
Under normal circumstances, the crew would have performed a burial at sea, but Penny had taken the precaution of writing a will. In it, she specified that she wanted her body cremated and kept in a jar above her parents’ fireplace. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.
A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it.
“Are you crazy?” said the king. “I paid one million rials for this gem! Don’t you know who I am?”
The pawnbroker replied in song, “When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are.”
Some friars wanted to do more for their flock but their vow of poverty, simple lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds was, to say the least, meagre. Nevertheless, they put their collective heads together and came up with the idea of opening a small florist shop. They reasoned that they could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, and what they couldn’t grow, they could probably pick from the surrounding countryside.
Everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their little business flourished – so much so that the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close their little shop, but their flower business was providing them with much-needed funds for their good works and they refused. Time and again he begged the friars to shut up shop but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
As his business continued to fall off, the florist was plunged toward bankruptcy and in desperation he hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” the good friars to close. Being a man of few morals, Hugh had no ethical problems with his task and promptly gave the friars a thorough beating and trashed their store. He departed with a stern warning that he’d be back if they didn’t close the shop. Terrified, the friars did so immediately, proving yet again that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever
One day he saw a cloud of dust in the distance. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever.
Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder, which ran him over and crushed him to death. But his brave action did indeed deflect the huge rock, leaving history to conclude that it was better Nate than lever.
The story of Mary Poppins as a nanny is well known. Less wellknown is her subsequent tale. She travelled to Hollywood, where she opened a shop on Sunset Boulevard as a fortune-teller. Of course, we already know she had supernatural powers, so it’s no surprise that she was quite skilled in fortune-telling, and her reputation grew rapidly.
She continued to tell fortunes, and found that in particular, she always received a very strong premonition whenever someone was about to have an onset of bad breath. Her predictions of this turned out to be accurate 100 per cent of the time. In order to publicize her success at this, she had a large sign placed above her door, which read: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his colleagues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.
Unfortunately, he didn’t word his request very well, and all the botanists he’d contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns – there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns but very few about the particular type he wanted.
So he sent another message to everyone: If it ain’t bracken, don’t fax it.
A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all the occupants, “I’m the hardest bit of tarmac in the whole of this town!”
The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.
Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.
The dual carriageway declares, “I’m the toughest piece of tarmac you’ll ever see this side of the border!”
The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.
At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway, which says, “I’m the toughest bit of tarmac in the whole country and I’ll take you both on!”
And there they stood staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity.
Once again, the door opens and into the middle of the stand-off walks a strange-looking piece of coloured tarmac with a blue stripe.
The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.
The bartender goes up to the three of them and asks what the problem is.
“Shhhh!” says the dual carriageway. “Watch what you say, that guy’s a real cycle path.”
Once upon a time there were two old hillbillies living in the wilds of Montana. They were called Jed and Clarence, and they lived on opposite sides of the river and hated each other with a vengeance.
Every morning, just after sunrise, Jed and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell abuse at each other.
“Jed!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank your lucky stars I can’t swim or I’d swim this river and whup your butt!”
“And Clarence!” Jed would holler back. “You better thank your lucky stars I can’t swim or I’d swim this river and whup your skinny butt!”
This happened every morning for twenty years. Eventually, the army built a bridge over the river, but it made no difference. Every morning for another five years, Jed and Clarence continued to yell insults across the river.
Finally, Jed’s wife could take no more. She told her husband, “Every day for twenty-five years, I’ve had to listen to you saying you’re gonna whup Clarence’s butt. There’s the bridge! Why don’t you show that you’re more than just all talk?”
Jed thought about this for a moment, and then said, “Woman, you’re right. I’m gonna go down to that bridge, I’m gonna cross that bridge and I’m gonna whup Clarence’s butt!”
So Jed walked out the door of his house and down to the river. He stepped on to the bridge, walked halfway across, then looked up. Suddenly he turned tail and ran screaming back to the house. He slammed the door, bolted the windows and grabbed his shotgun. Still panting breathlessly, he hid under his bed. “Jed!” cried his wife. “What’s happened to you? I thought you were gonna whup Clarence’s butt!”
“I was, woman, I was,” replied a quivering Jed.
“What in tarnation is the matter?” demanded his wife. “You ain’t never run from no man in your life!”
“Well,” spluttered Jed, “it was like this. I went down to the bridge, I stepped on to the bridge, I walked halfway across the bridge, and then I looked up…”
“And?” said his wife impatiently.
“There was this sign on the bridge,” gasped Jed. “It said ‘Clarence: 13 feet 6 inches’. I tell you, he ain’t never looked that big from this side of the river!”
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first wife gave birth to a boy and the chief was so delighted that he built her a tepee made out of deer hide.
A few days later, the second wife gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy and built her a tepee made out of antelope hide.
A week later, the third wife gave birth, but this time the chief kept the details a secret. In gratitude he built this wife a two-storey tepee made out of hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the rest of the tribe to work out what had happened.
Many tried but were unsuccessful. Finally, a young brave confidently announced that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
“That’s right,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”
“It’s elementary,” replied the brave. “The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
Old Edna had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune-telling was fraudulent. They had her arrested and she was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about her. The following was printed in the paper the next day: Small medium at large.
An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every project. He was very popular because he could construct buildings at the lowest possible cost.
After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a forty-storey building.
“I have some bad news,” the man said. “We have one brick left over.”
“Oh no!” the architect exclaimed. “My ten-year record of perfection is broken!”
Do you know what he did with the brick?
He threw it away.
When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.
When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisily sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and the smell were irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog.
They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog stood in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth?
The brick.
Lucy was visiting France, and while in Paris she decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the river Seine. As she was being shown around the building, all of a sudden she spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor.
She picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, Lucy could hear him calling up the bell tower, “Quazimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!”
When the guide returned, he apologized once more and when Lucy asked him about the sandwiches, he said, “Don’t worry about it, it’s just the lunchpack of Notre Dame.”
In days of old, when Genghis Khan’s men were running amok over Asia, they set their sights on more distant shores. These warriors were known as Khan’s Men or just Khans. When they had conquered all the way to the water’s edge, they built boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea. By a sad twist of fate, they landed on an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, few had survived. Leaving the boats, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried in pots.
The Khans were very ill, but ever resourceful, they hid on the island and awaited rescue, as a result of which the locals never did get their hands on the treasure. And that’s how the story of the little people got started in Ireland – the leper Khans and their pots of gold. Cunning though diseased, the Khans were never fooled by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty pot – which gave us the saying a leper won’t change his pots.
After leading an invasion of England, a feared Viking explorer returned to his homeland, only to find that his name was missing from the town’s electoral register. His wife immediately complained to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
Following disappointing annual profits, the management at an English potato crisp factory decided to introduce new working practices. Part of the manufacturing process involved transporting the crisps around the factory in purpose-made metal bins. For decades, the materials for the bins had been supplied by a local sheet-metal manufacturer, with final construction carried out by the crisp factory workers themselves. With their neatly soldered seams, these handcrafted bins were much admired, so the management’s decision to replace them with cheap, readymade plastic models met with an angry response.
Fearing that some men would be made redundant as a result of the changes, the factory workers voted to go on strike. In an attempt to drum up national support, the strike leaders organized a rally, with a march taking place from the factory to the rally site. To lift the workers’ spirits as they marched with their banners, they sang heartily, “Onward crisp bin solderers…”
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family who made their living weaving cloth.
“Is Jack home?” he asked the woman who answered the door.
“I’m sorry,” the woman replied, “Jack’s gone for cotton.”
A few weeks later the collector tried again. “Is Jack here today?”
Once again the answer was, “No, sir, I’m afraid he has gone for cotton.”
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, the debt collector complained, “I suppose Jack has gone for cotton again?”
“No,” the woman answered sadly, “Jack died a few days ago.”
Suspicious that the woman was being deliberately evasive, the collector decided to go down to the cemetery and investigate. But sure enough, there was poor Jack’s tombstone, with this inscription: “Gone, but not for cotton”.
After a heavy day’s digging at the archaeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. It was a wondrous piece of artwork. He had bulging muscles, an imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered a brilliant red
The two leading archaeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day’s work, started to gather round to watch.
The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.
As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said, “Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes.”
The saloon in a Wyoming town was packed with people on a Saturday night. There was dancing, singing and gambling, and everyone was having a great time. Then at the height of the revelry a man burst through the swing doors and yelled, “Look out, everybody! Big Seth’s-a-comin’!”
The saloon emptied in an instant. Most people piled out through the doors while others frantically climbed out of windows, often trampling each other underfoot in their haste to escape. In their place was an eerie silence, broken only by the faint sound of the bartender cleaning glasses behind the bar.
A few minutes later, a cloud of dust appeared in the distance. As the cloud grew nearer, it became apparent that it was caused by two buffalo being ridden by a colossus of a man. He was over seven feet tall, built like a brick outhouse, with black teeth, scars down his face and fists the size of bowling balls. Leading the buffalo was a large mountain lion on a leash.
The two buffalo pulled up outside the saloon. The man dismounted, tied the lion and the buffalo to a hitching post and strode into the saloon, the wooden floorboards creaking under his sheer weight. Spitting out a wad of gum and crushing a leftover glass with his bare hands, he walked over to the bar. The bartender began shaking nervously and tried to hide behind the bar, but the man spotted him. Pounding his fist on the bar top with such force that three bottles shattered from the reverberation, he demanded, “Whiskey!”
By now the bartender was so freaked out that he couldn’t concentrate and accidentally poured the man a bourbon. The man spat it out instantly and repeated his demand for whiskey.
The bartender handed him the whiskey barrel. The man broke the barrel over his knee, gulped down half the contents, wiped his mouth on a tablecloth and drank the other half. The bartender asked timorously, “Would you like some more? It’s on the house.”
“Nah,” said the giant. “I don’t have time for another. I gotta get out of this place.”
“W-w-w-why’s that?” asked the bartender.
The man turned on his heels and, starting to shake like a leaf, replied, “Cos Big Seth’s-a-comin’!”
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodelling his kitchen, but he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden’s surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
The warden said, “But you’re an expert, Andy, and I really need your help.”
Andy replied, “Well, warden, I’d really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”
Noah is waiting by his ark for all the animals that God has promised will squeeze into the boat that he’s built.
And then he sees them, great numbers of beasts all converging on where he’s standing. So he lowers the gang-plank, and watches as the animals start filing on board, two-by-two.
And as they go into the ship, Noah can be heard passing comments on each animal that goes by. “Hmmm, two horses,” he says. “They don’t taste very nice, but they’re edible,” and, “Ooh! Two sheep. I love roast lamb.”
And so it goes on. For each pair of animals that Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they’re like to eat. Eventually, Noah’s son can stand it no longer and goes to his mother to ask why he does it.
She answers, “Well, there’s Noah counting for taste.”
There were two brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie’s mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were surprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn’t get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie’s tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.
However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbours leaned out of the windows of their mansions and asked what the noise was.
One of the neighbours replied, “Simon and Garth’s uncle’s big chauffeur’s troubled Walter.”
David was a chef for a large catering company. He enjoyed his work with the other chefs, but often liked to relax by going to the zoo. He particularly enjoyed the three-toed sloth, which absolutely fascinated him. He would stand and watch the creature for hours, just hanging there, occasionally making the tiniest movement. He found it incredibly relaxing. So relaxing, in fact, that when a friend from the catering company complained that work was stressing him out, he suggested they go to the zoo to watch the sloth and relax. This caught on among the chefs, and soon more and more of them would go to watch the sloth.
Eventually, David and his company were offered the opportunity to provide outdoor catering at the zoo. Pans and stoves were set up by the sloth’s enclosure and the chefs got to work cooking food for all the visitors.
Suddenly, without warning, the sloth lost its grip on the vine from which it had been hanging. It hit the ground heavily and rolled out of its enclosure and fell into one of the pans of water. To the horror of the gathered chefs, the water began to bubble and steam furiously, until the sloth was well and truly cooked.
David suddenly realized what had happened. “Oh, no!” he shouted. “We should have known better! Everyone knows too many cooks boil the sloth!”
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatic who went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend: a peaceful, nature-loving fellow, who didn’t really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to sneak up on: the animal had a terrible infection over its left eye, and couldn’t even see out of it.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.
He said, “Can’t you see that’s a bad-eye deer?”
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project – an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, George Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg needed the box office appeal of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whichever famous composer they wanted to portray.
“Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”
“Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,” said Willis. “I’ll play him.”
“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Segal. “I’d like to play him.”
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do you want to be, Arnold?”
So Schwarzenegger replied, “I’ll be Bach.”
