How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.
How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there saying: “To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right…”
How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to change a light bulb, you know.
How many people at an American football match does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
How many archaeologists does does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to say, “Huh! My four year old could have done that!”
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They closed eighteen seconds ago, and the manager has just cashed up.
How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!
How many country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to shout “yeeha!” and throw his hat in the air.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb.
How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they like Danzig in the dark.
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the light bulb and three to brag about how big the old one was and about the one that they would have changed, but “it got away”.
How many gardeners does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in light bulbs or daffodil bulbs.
How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to turn up the day before when you’re out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five-dollar bill.
How many health-food freaks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to remove the old one and one to check the ingredients on the new one.
How many local government officials does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty. One to change the light bulb and the rest to carry out a fact-finding mission to Barbados to see how they change light bulbs there.
How many lunatics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to tell him to make sure he sticks his fingers in the socket first, to see if the electricity is switched on.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, one to watch and one to shoot the witness.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what you want it changed in to…
How many mice does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it twenty times, and when he’s done, everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They’re convinced that the power will come back on soon.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a waste of time because the new bulb probably won’t work either
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many poltergeists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb must want to change.
How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many road workmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to lean on their shovels and watch the one working.
How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two! One, two! One, two!
How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
How many schizophrenics does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, he thinks it’s five but as we all know it’s only him…
How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
Nineteen. One to change it and eighteen to follow him round while he looks for a new one.
How many teenaged girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she’ll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
How many tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
How many university students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the light bulb to be changed.
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Even a burned-out bulb can’t catch a waiter’s eye.
How many WWF wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and four to fake it.
A man was polishing a light bulb before inserting it into the socket, when there was a big flash and a genie appeared before him.
“I am the genie of the light-bulb,” he said. “I will answer any three questions for you, but only three. Do you have three questions you would like to ask?”
“Who? Me?” said the man.
“Yes, you,” said the genie. “Now, what is your third question?”
A Frenchman, a German and an Englishman were arguing about which of their respective languages was the best.
The Frenchman said, “French is the language of romance, the most beautiful language in the world.”
The German said, “German is the language of science and technology, the language most fitted to the needs of the twenty-first century.”
The Englishman said, “Nonsense! There’s only one decent language, and that’s English. We English say what we mean, no messing about. Take this for instance.” He held up a light bulb. “You Frenchmen call it an ampoule. And you Germans call it a Glühlampe. In England, we simply call it a light bulb, which, after all, is precisely what it is.”
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
How they change the light bulbs in the original Star Trek:
Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, at which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead.
Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can’t see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives.
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu and three red-shirt security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king, who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all the light bulbs they can carry.
Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk and the others.
The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five-year mission.
What did the boy light bulb say to the girl light bulb?
I love you watts and watts.
A general asked his men, “Who likes music?”
Half a dozen soldiers stepped forward straight away.“
“Great,” said the general. “I just bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.”
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troops.
Riding through the forest one day, a medieval duke noticed several archery targets on trees with an arrow smack in the centre of each one. Hugely impressed by such magnificent marksmanship, the duke ordered his followers to find the archer responsible so that he could sign the man up to join his private army. Later that day, they returned with a small boy who was carrying a bow and arrow.
The duke could scarcely believe his eyes. “Do you mean to tell me that this mere boy is the master archer?”
“Yes, sire, it is me,” said the boy.
The duke looked at him suspiciously. “Are you sure you didn’t just walk up to the targets and then hammer arrows in the centre?”
“No,” replied the boy. “I swear on my mother’s life that I shot the arrows from one hundred paces.”
“Very well,” said the duke, “I believe you and hereby admit you into my service on an annual salary of fifty gold sovereigns for the next ten years. Is that acceptable to you?”
“Yes, sire,” answered the boy. “It is most generous of you.”
The duke patted the boy on the head and said with a smile, “But you must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”
“It’s not difficult,” said the boy. “First I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.”
A young soldier went to the army doctor complaining of strange sounds coming from inside his stomach. “I don’t know what’s happened, doc,” he said. “It seems like I’ve swallowed a watch or a clock or maybe even a bomb.”
The army doctor listened to the strange sounds in the soldier’s stomach and immediately announced, “I’m going to perform surgery to open you up.”
“Why, doc?” asked the soldier.
The doctor replied, “Soldier, I want to see what makes you tick.”
Moments before the start of a First World War battle a young recruit said to his sergeant, “I haven’t got a rifle, sir.”
“No problem, son,” said the sergeant. “Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans and go, ‘Bangety Bang Bang.’”
“But what about a bayonet, sarge?” asked the young soldier.
The sergeant quickly pulled a length of straw from the end of the broom and attached it to the end of the broom handle. “Here, use this. Just go, ‘Stabity Stab Stab.’”
Well, the young recruit ended up isolated on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly a German soldier charged at him. The young recruit pointed the broom at the enemy and went, “Bangety Bang Bang.” The German fell dead on the spot.
Then more Germans appeared. The young recruit, amazed by his good fortune, went, “Bangety Bang Bang. Stabity Stab Stab,” and mowed down a dozen enemy soldiers.
Finally, the battlefield was clear except for one German walking slowly toward him. The young recruit shouted, “Bangety Bang Bang” but it had no effect. The German kept coming. “Bangety Bang Bang,” repeated the young recruit but to no avail. The German was now just a few yards away, so in desperation the young recruit went, “Stabity Stab Stab.” The German was unfazed.
Still the German kept coming, slowly but surely. When he reached the young recruit, the German mercilessly stomped him into the ground and said, “Tankety Tank Tank.”
Why was William upset when he joined the army?
Because the sergeant ordered the platoon to “fire at will”.
With his fort about to be attacked by the Sioux, an army captain sent for his trusty Indian scout. The captain told him, “I want you to use all your legendary tracking skills to give me some idea of enemy numbers.”
The Indian scout immediately lay down, put his ear to the ground and reported, “Big war party. Two hundred braves in warpaint. Two chiefs, one on a black horse, one on a white horse. Also medicine man with limp.”
“That’s incredible!” said the captain. “You can deduce all that information just by listening to the ground?”
“Not really,” replied the Indian. “I’m looking under the gate.”
Which month do soldiers dislike most?
March.
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.
“You see,” he explained. “My wife’s expecting.”
“Oh,” said the officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation.
“My wife’s expecting,” he said.
The officer looked surprised.
“Still expecting?” he said. “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.”
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the officer lost his temper.
“Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed.
“Yes, sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”
“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the officer.
The young soldier replied, “Me.”
The sergeant was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late back to army camp following leave. As he waited impatiently at the barracks gates, one man finally ran up to him, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir, I can explain. You see, I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm and bought a horse but it dropped dead. In the end, I had to run ten miles, and now I’m here!”
The sergeant was highly sceptical about this explanation, but at least the soldier had made it back eventually, so he let him off this time. A couple of minutes later, eight more of his men ran up to the sergeant, panting. He asked them why they were late. Each told the same story.
“Sorry, sir. I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm and bought a horse but it dropped dead. In the end, I had to run ten miles, and now I’m here!”
The sergeant eyed them suspiciously but since he had let the first man go, he decided that it was only fair to excuse them, too. A few minutes later, the tenth and last soldier ran up to him, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir. I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but—”
“Let me guess,” interrupted the sergeant. “It broke down.”
“No, sir. There were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get round them.”
Why did the US soldiers storm the necktie store in an English shopping mall?
They’d heard they were invading Tie Rack.
Three American pilots were captured by the Germans during World War Two. The Germans had devised a fiendish way of making their prisoners impart vital information – they made the pilots stand to attention, turn their heads from side to side and say “Tick, tock” over and over.
After three hours of this torture, the first American pilot cracked and began telling the Germans everything he knew.
An hour later, the second pilot cracked under the strain and also disclosed key plans to the Germans.
But the third pilot held on bravely, desperately trying not to crack. He was about halfway cracked and was turning his head to one side only, repeating, “Tick, tick, tick.”
The German commanding officer was infuriated by the American’s resistance. Finally, he lost his temper, walked over to the pilot and yelled, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”
A soldier cradled the dying General Custer in his arms at the Little Big Horn. With his last breath, Custer gasped, “I’ll never understand Indians. Just a few minutes ago they were singing and dancing…”
What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Abominable Snowman?
A jumbo yeti.
When should you feed yeti’s milk to a baby?
When it’s a baby yeti.
Could you kill the Abominable Snowman just by throwing eggs at him?
Of course – he’d be eggs-terminated.
Can the Abominable Snowman jump very high?
Hardly – he can only just clear his throat!
Where are yetis found?
They’re so big they’re hardly ever lost.
Why shouldn’t you dance with a yeti?
Because if it trod on you, you might get flat feet.
How did the yeti feel when he had flu?
Abominable.
What do yetis eat on top of Everest?
High tea.
What kind of man doesn’t like to sit in front of the fire?
An Abominable Snowman.
Why was the Abominable Snowman’s dog called Frost?
Because Frost bites.
What do Abominable Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Where do Abominable Snowmen go to dance?
To snowballs.
What did one Abominable Snowman say to the other?
I’m afraid I just don’t believe in people.
What is the Abominable Snowman’s favourite book?
War and Frozen Peas.
Why did the Abominable Snowman send his father to Siberia?
Because he wanted frozen pop.
How does a yeti get to work?
By icicle.
Did you hear the joke about the fierce yeti?
It’ll make you roar.
What steps should you take if you see a dangerous yeti on your travels?
Very large ones.
Where do you find wild yetis?
It depends where you left them.
What does a yeti eat for dinner?
Ice-burgers.
What’s the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes?
You can’t mash Frankenstein.
Did you hear what happened to Frankenstein’s monster?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $150 and dismantled for six months.
Igor: Why is Baron Frankenstein such good fun?
Monster: Because he soon has you in stitches.
Why was Baron Frankenstein never lonely?
Because he was good at making fiends.
What should you do if you find yourself in the same room as Frankenstein, Dracula, a werewolf, a vampire and a coven of witches?
Keep your fingers crossed that it’s a fancy dress party.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What did Frankenstein’s monster say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! That was just what I needed.
First monster: The bride of Frankenstein has a lovely face.
Second monster: If you can read between the lines.
What kind of book did Frankenstein’s monster like to read?
One with a cemetery plot.
Why did Dr Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
Here lies Frankenstein’s monster. May he rest in pieces.
Where does the bride of Frankenstein have her hair done?
At the ugly parlour.
What happened to Frankenstein’s stupid son?
He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent contributor to Madame Tussaud’s.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
Bolt upright.
How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish’s brain in the body of his dog?
I don’t know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
How did Frankenstein’s monster eat his lunch?
He bolted it down.
What does Frankenstein’s monster call a screwdriver?
Daddy.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein invented the safety match.
Igor: Yes, that was one of his most striking achievements.
Dr Frankenstein: How can I stop that monster charging?
Igor: Why not take away his credit card?
What do you get if you cross King Kong with the Abominable Snowman?
Frostbite.
Why did King Kong join the army?
To learn about gorilla warfare.
What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema?
Miss most of the film!
What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben?
He found it too time consuming.
What’s the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg?
Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.
What’s big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress?
Queen Kong.
How can you mend King Kong’s arm if he’s twisted it?
With a monkey wrench.
If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?
A lid.
King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and died after being hit on the head. A newspaper reported the story and used the following headline: King Kong Gone, Big Bong on Noggin at Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong.
What is as big as King Kong but doesn’t weigh anything?
King Kong’s shadow.
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a watchdog?
A terrified postman.
Who is the smelliest, hairiest monarch in the world?
King Pong.
Why didn’t King Kong go to Hong Kong?
He didn’t like Chinese food.
Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of his feet brown?
So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut butter.
What is big, hairy and can fly faster than the speed of sound?
King Koncord.
If King Kong visited England, why would he live in the Tower of London?
Because he’s a beef-eater.
What business is King Kong in?
Monkey business.
What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?
I don’t know but it could always get a seat on a bus!
Where does King Kong sleep?
Anywhere he wants to.
What should you do if you are on a picnic with King Kong?
Give him the biggest bananas.
What do you do if you find King Kong in the kitchen?
Just don’t monkey with him.
What do you get if King Kong sits on your best friend?
A flat mate.
What do you get if King Kong sits on your piano?
A flat note.
Why is King Kong big and hairy?
So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry.
How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What did King Kong say when he rang the wrong number?
King Kong ring wrong.
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a budgie?
A messy cage.
Two policemen in New York were watching King Kong climb up the Empire State Building. One said to the other, “What do you think he’s doing?”
“It’s obvious,” replied his colleague. “He wants to catch a plane.”
An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong. And sure enough, when he came to a clearing, there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.
It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite passive, the explorer thought he would take a chance and reach through the bars to touch him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest and with an awesome display of strength, burst through the bars of his cage.
As the explorer ran for his life, King Kong set off in hot pursuit. Instinctively, the explorer headed for the heart of the jungle, hoping that he might be able to hide from his manic pursuer, but wherever he tried to conceal himself, King Kong always managed to find him.
As night began to fall, the explorer prayed that he would be able to lose the gorilla in the darkness but no matter how fast he ran, the sound of King Kong’s pounding footsteps was only ever about fifty yards behind.
For three long days and nights, the explorer ran through Africa with King Kong always close behind, occasionally letting out a menacing roar from his vast throat. Eventually, the explorer reached the west coast. There were no ships in sight for an easy escape, so he realized the only option was to dive into the sea and hope that King Kong couldn’t swim. But to his horror, the gorilla jumped in straight after him and demonstrated an excellent front crawl.
On and on they swam across the Atlantic – rarely separated by more than thirty yards – until four months later the weary explorer arrived in Brazil. He scrambled ashore with as much energy as he could muster, only to see the mighty King Kong right behind him, still beating his chest ferociously and with steam billowing from his nostrils. Through the streets of Rio they stumbled, explorer and ape equally exhausted, until the explorer took a wrong turn and ended up down a dead end, his escape barred by a twenty-foot-high wall.
With nowhere left to run, he sank to his knees in despair and pleaded to King Kong, “Do whatever you want with me. Kill me, eat me, do what you like, but make it quick. Just put me out of my misery.”
King Kong slowly stalked over to the cowering explorer, prodded him with a giant paw and bellowed with a terrifying roar, “You’re it!”
Did you hear about the snookermad monster? He went to the doctor because he didn’t feel well. “What do you eat?” asked the doctor.
“For breakfast I have a couple of red snooker balls, and at lunchtime I grab a black, a pink and two yellows. I have a brown with my tea in the afternoon, and then a blue and another pink for dinner,” the monster replied.
“I know why you are not feeling well!” exclaimed the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”
What do you say to a tetchy monster?
No need to bite my head off.
A man thought he had swallowed a monster, and nothing his doctor said would make him change his mind.
So, finally, the doctor gave him an anaesthetic and put him into a deep sleep. When he woke up, the doctor was standing beside his bed, holding a great big green monster on a lead.
“Nothing more to worry about,” the doctor said. “We operated on you and took him out.”
“Who are you trying to kid?” said the man. “The monster I swallowed was a blue one.”
Where do monsters go for dinner?
To a beastro.
A man was walking behind a hearse with a big monster on a lead. Behind them stretched a long line of mourners.
“What happened?” asked a passer-by.
“The monster bit my wife, and she died of fright.”
“Can I borrow it?” the passer-by asked.
The man pointed behind him. “Get in the queue,” he said.
Two monsters went duck-hunting with their dogs, but without success.
“I know what it is, Zob,” said Grunge. “I know what we’re doing wrong.”
“What’s that then, Grunge?”
“We’re not throwing the dogs high enough.”
Tarzan climbed to the top of the highest mountain in the jungle. Suddenly, he was surrounded by every kind of hideous, fire-breathing, evil-smelling monster in creation – yetis, goblins, trolls, Martians, mekons, Big Foot, the lot.
Do you know what he said?
“Boy, am I ever in the wrong joke…”
A very posh man was walking around an art gallery, when he stopped by one particular exhibit.
“I suppose this picture of a hideous monster is what you call modern art,” he said very pompously.
“No, sir,” replied the art gallery assistant. “That’s what we call a mirror.”
Did you hear about the very well-behaved little monster?
When he was good his father would give him a cent and a pat on the head. By the time he was sixteen he had twenty-five dollars in the bank and his head was totally flat.
A man’s car broke down on a cold and windswept night, near an eerie-looking castle in Transylvania. The
