What is uglier than an aardvark?
Two aardvarks.
What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace?
A guardvark.
What do you call a pickled aardvark?
A jarredvark.
What do you call an aardvark that’s been thrown out of a pub?
A barredvark.
What do you call an aardvark that plays poker?
A cardvark.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark.
Who is an aardvark’s favourite singer?
Barbra Streisant.
What are an aardvark’s favourite songs by The Beatles?
I Want To Hold Your Ant and Aard Day’s Night.
How do ants hide from aardvarks?
They disguise themselves as uncles.
What do aardvarks eat for breakfast?
Aard-boiled eggs.
Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbours?
They always have their noses in other people’s business.
When is an aardvark jumpy?
When he’s got ants in his pants.
Where does the aardvark family always come first?
In the phone book.
Which aardvark holds the world land speed record?
The short-sighted aardvark who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle.
What do aardvarks like on their pizzas?
Ant-chovies.
Who has a long nose, wears a mask and sits tall in the saddle?
The Lone Aardvark.
Where did the young aardvark learn to tie knots?
In the Boy Snouts.
Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows?
It’s called the VCRdvark.
What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail?
A man holding an aardvark.
Why weren’t people scared of the baby aardvark?
Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone.
A man wanted to buy a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He found a phone number offering aardvarks for sale and his call was answered by an old lady.
“How much are your aardvarks?” he asked.
“Thirty dollars each,” she replied.
“Did you raise them yourself?” he added.
“Sure did,” said the old lady. “Yesterday they were only twenty dollars each.”
Why did the aardvark beat the lion in the TV debate about ants?
He stuck to the subject.
What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks?
A snout bout.
Who loves hamburgers, French fries and ants?
Ronald McAardvark.
What do you call an aardvark that’s just lost a fight?
A vark, because he’s not aard any more.
An aardvark went on the TV quiz show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The host, who was very polite, said, “How confident are you of doing well, sir?”
“Quite confident,” replied the aardvark. “I’d like to get up to $500,000.”
“That’s quite a target, sir,” smiled the host. “Let’s see how we go.”
“Oh, before we start,” said the aardvark, “I hope you don’t mind but I’ve brought along a supply of ants to eat before I answer each question. I find that eating ants helps stimulate my brain.”
“No problem, sir,” said the host.
So the aardvark put his snout in his bag of ants for twenty seconds and correctly answered the first question. Then he ate ants for thirty seconds and correctly answered the second question. By the time he’d won $100,000 he was spending up to five minutes eating ants and the host was beginning to grow impatient.
“I must hurry you along, sir,” he said. “We’re running out of studio time.”
“I need my supply of ants,” insisted the aardvark. “Otherwise I’ll get the question wrong.”
Eventually the aardvark reached the $500,000 question.
“Sir,” asked the host, “what is the capital of Albania? Is it a) Tirana b) Elbasan c) Ljubljana or d) Durres?”
The aardvark considered the options. “I think it’s Tirana,” he said, “but I need some more ants before I can be certain.”
So he put his snout into the ant bag. On and on he went, guzzling ants for over eight minutes. The host was turning red with rage. “Listen, sir,” he said eventually. “I can only give you another twenty seconds. If you’re not ready then, we’ll have to disqualify you.”
At last the aardvark lifted his snout from the bag and the host asked wearily, “Is that your final ant, sir?”
What is an alien’s favourite snack?
A Mars bar.
What did the alien say to the gas pump at the service station?
Don’t you know it’s rude to stick your finger in your ear when I’m talking to you!
Why did the alien think grass was dangerous?
He had heard it was full of blades.
Why does E.T. have such big eyes?
Because he saw his phone bill.
What do you call an alien spaceship that drips water?
A crying saucer.
What did the alien say to the garden?
Take me to your weeder.
Why do Martians suspect that walls keep secrets?
Because they’re always meeting in the corner.
What do you get if you cross a baby with an alien spaceship?
An unidentified crying object.
What is an alien’s favourite food?
Martianmallows
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What do aliens put on the windows of their spacecraft?
Venutian blinds.
Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer?
He was looking for the space bar.
Two Martians from space landed on Earth and spotted their first snake.
The first Martian said, “Don’t worry. That’s only a little green snake.”
“Yes,” said the second Martian, “but it might be as dangerous as a ripe one.”
Why did the Martian become a bus driver?
So he could tell the Earthlings where to get off.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s only got little legs.
How do you see flying saucers?
Trip up a waiter.
What did the alien say to the bird?
Take me to your feeder.
Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What do you give a poorly ant?
Antibiotics.
What do you call a 200-year-old ant?
An antique.
Who was the most famous ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Why did the ant elope?
Nobody gnu.
Where do ants eat meals?
At a restaurant.
What do you call an ant with frogs’ legs?
An antphibian.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten ants.
What kind of ants correct spellings?
Pedants.
What do you call a chic ant?
Elegant.
What do you call an ant that likes to be alone?
Independant.
What is smaller than an ant’s mouth?
An ant’s dinner.
What kinds of ants are good at maths?
Accountants.
If ants are so busy, how come they always have time to show up at picnics?
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when they uncovered an amazing painting.
At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a surreal painting. The tree’s trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.
“What is it?” asked Watson in awe.
Holmes answered, “It’s an element tree, my dear Watson.”
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it had been framed.
Why do statues and paintings of George Washington always show him standing?
Because he would never lie.
What is green and smells like red paint?
Green paint.
Why did the artist stick a stamp on his forehead?
He was a post impressionist.
For his art assignment a student had to draw a picture of William Shakespeare but couldn’t decide what pencil to use. He said to himself, “2B or not 2B, that is the question.”
What do you get if you cross a famous painter with a famous boxer?
Muhammad Dali.
What do you get if you cross a famous artist with a kebab?
Donner-tello.
What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle.
A man nearly got away with stealing several paintings from a billionaire who had an impressive art collection. However, after planning the crime, and getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Ford Transit ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Why did the nurse go to art school?
To learn how to draw blood.
What did the artist say to the dentist?
Matisse hurt.
Vincent Van Gogh was sitting at a bar when the bartender asked him, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thanks,” said Van Gogh. “I’ve got one ’ere.”
A small boy was entertaining himself at home by drawing. His father peered over his shoulder and asked, “What are you drawing, son?”
“I’m drawing God,” replied the boy.
“That’s quite difficult,” said the father, “because nobody knows what God looks like.”
The boy said, “They will when I’m finished.”
What do you get if you cross a mountain with a baby?
A cry for Alp.
What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers?
Infantry.
Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink?
Because they can’t dress themselves.
What are baby witches called?
Halloweenies
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
What did the baby corn say to its mother?
Where’s pop corn?
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rock-et.
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.
A worried father says, “I see the baby’s nose is running again.”
His wife says angrily, “Can’t you think of anything other than horse racing?”
Why isn’t life fair for babies?
Because they always get a bum wrap.
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