What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
How often do Eskimos lose their snow pants?
Once in a blue moon.
How do Eskimos stop their mouths from freezing up?
They grit their teeth.
What do you get when you take an Inuit and divide his circumference by his diameter?
Eskimo pi.
First Eskimo: Where does your wife come from?
Second Eskimo: Alaska.
First Eskimo: Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself.
What does an Eskimo use to hold his house together?
Iglue.
Despite all their layers of fur, two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were freezing cold. In a desperate attempt to warm up, they decided to light a fire in the craft but no sooner had they done so than it sank. It just goes to prove that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Aladdin: Get me a fur coat.
Genie: What fur?
Aladdin: Fur to keep me warm, that’s what fur.
As a child, the wicked magician always wanted to saw people in half.
Was he an only child?
No, he had lots of half-brothers and sisters.
Why did Mickey Mouse buy a telescope?
Because he wanted to see Pluto.
Do you know what’s inside Aladdin’s lamp?
It would take a genie-us to find out.
A man meets a fairy in an enchanted woodland. The fairy grants him three wishes. Having wished for his most urgent needs, the man decides to use his third wish to ask the fairy to return and give him three more wishes.
The fairy complies and says, “You can call me whenever you want.”
“How can I call you? Please tell me your name,” the man says.
“My name is Nuff,” says the fairy.
“Well,” says the man. “That is an odd name. I have never heard of it before.”
The fairy replies, “Fairy Nuff.”
What does a magician like to keep up his sleeve?
His arm.
What kind of pet did Aladdin have?
A flying car-pet.
Why did Aladdin’s lamp hum?
Because the genie inside it didn’t know the words.
“Open Sesame” opened the doors to the robbers’ cave. Which piece of jewellery closed it?
A locket.
Ali Baba didn’t know it but there were four women locked in the cave with all that jewellery. What were their names?
Ruby, Jade, Coral and Pearl.
What did the Forty Thieves like to drink?
Tea … they were the For Tea Thieves.
What is harder than a diamond?
Paying for it.
Why is Ali Baba’s baby like a small diamond?
Because they are both dear little things.
Why couldn’t Cinderella use horses to pull the pumpkin coach?
Because they were too busy playing stable tennis.
What do you say when the three bears want to sit down?
Three chairs for the three bears!
What gave Goldilocks a troubled night’s sleep?
Night-bears.
What made Goldilocks shiver?
Quaker Oats.
What’s brown, furry and has twelve paws?
The three bears.
What’s the difference between Mummy Bear’s porridge, Daddy Bear’s porridge and Baby Bear’s porridge?
Well, one is Mummy Bear’s, one is Daddy Bear’s and one is Baby Bear’s.
When Goldilocks spilt the milk, how did she mop it up?
She used a sponge-cake.
Why did Goldilocks stir the porridge so vigorously?
Because Daddy Bear came in and told her to beat it.
Why weren’t the porridge bowls round?
Because porridge is a square meal.
After the woodcutter chops a pile of logs, what happens to them at night?
They sleep like humans.
Which is the oldest tree in the forest?
The elder.
What did the woodcutter’s wife say to her husband in December?
Not many chopping days left until Christmas.
Why did Hansel eat all the liquorice off the witch’s house?
It takes all sorts.
Do giants eat Englishmen with their fingers?
No, they eat their fingers separately.
What seven letters did Old Mother Hubbard say when she opened the cupboard?
O I C U R M T.
How did Jack know how many beans his cow was worth?
He used a cowculator.
Jack stole a golden harp from the giant. Why couldn’t he play it?
Because it took a lot of pluck.
The giant could smell an Englishman a mile away, so he knew that there was an intruder in the castle. The gates were locked, so how had Jack got inside?
Intruder window.
What do you call a contented giant?
One that’s fed up with Englishmen.
What goes: MUF OF EIF IF?
A giant walking backwards.
What is higher than a giant?
A giant’s hat.
What is the difference between Jack and the dead giant?
One has beans, the other is a has-been.
Where was the first bean found?
On a beanstalk.
Where was the first beanstalk found?
Growing in the ground.
Which part of an Englishman does a giant find hard to swallow?
His stiff upper lip.
Why did Jack’s cow have horns?
Because its bell was broken.
Why did the chicken lay golden eggs?
Because if she dropped them they would dent the floor.
Why didn’t the giant have any teeth?
Because he slept with his head under the pillow and the fairies took them.
What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Some day my prints will come.
Why was there always a conversation going on in the garden?
Because Jack and the beans talk.
What did Little Red Riding Hood say when she saw the big, bad wolf?
There’s the big, bad wolf!
Who shouted “Knickers!” at the big, bad wolf?
Little Rude Riding Hood.
What does an elf eat on his birthday?
Shortcake.
Which dance did the little tin soldier take the paper ballerina to?
The Cannon Ball.
What did the sea say to the Little Mermaid?
Nothing, it just waved.
What has beautiful hair, a pretty face, two arms, a fish’s tail, looks like a mermaid, but isn’t a mermaid?
A photograph of a mermaid.
What is a mermaid’s favourite song?
Salmon-chanted Evening.
Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?
The scales.
Why did the Little Mermaid look the other way?
Because the seaweed.
Why did the Little Mermaid ride a sea-horse?
Because she was playing water polo.
Why was the Little Mermaid embarrassed?
Because she saw the big ship’s bottom.
How did the witch know it was exactly twelve midday?
She used her witch watch.
How do we know that Rapunzel went to a lot of parties?
Because she liked to let her hair down.
If you were in Rapunzel’s tower during the day, what would be the furthest thing that you could see?
The sun.
If you were in Rapunzel’s tower during the night, what would be the furthest thing that you could see?
The curtains … she keeps them closed at night.
Why did Rapunzel live at the top of the tower?
Because she was afraid of depths.
Friar Tuck was a monk, so why did he get involved in a life of crime?
It was his habit.
How did Robin Hood tie his shoelaces?
With a long bow.
What did Robin say when he nearly got hit at the archery contest?
That was an arrow escape.
What has two holes for the eyes and a slit for the beak?
A Robin Hood.
What is Robin Hood’s favourite radio programme?
The Archers.
Where did Robin’s Merry Men go to buy their sweets?
The Friar Tuck-shop.
Why couldn’t Robin Hood hit the target?
Because his arrows were all in a quiver.
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn’t have anything worth stealing.
Who carries a basket, visits Grandma and steals her jewellery?
Little Red Robin Hood.
The fair had come to Nottingham, so Robin Hood told the Merrie Men that they could go into town and enjoy themselves. There were lots of games and at one booth, you could win a prize by hitting a ten cent silver coin with a lance thrown from twenty paces.
As Friar Tuck was passing the booth, the guy running the game called out to him, “Hey, Brother, can you spear a dime?”
A prince came to a small pool where the most beautiful girl in the world was bathing. On her head was a large, green frog. What was her name?
Why, Lily of course!
What has six legs, four ears and a shining suit of armour?
A prince on horseback.
What is the first thing a king or queen does when they come to the throne?
They sit down.
When does a prince get very wet?
When he becomes the reigning monarch.
When is a piece of wood like a king?
When it’s a ruler.
Where do kings and queens get crowned?
On the head.
Where did knights learn to kill dragons?
At knight school.
What did the dragon say when he saw St George in his shining armour?
Oh no, not more canned food!
Why is a well-attended prince like a book?
Because he has so many pages.
Why did Rumpelstiltskin get so angry when the princess guessed his name?
Because being angry was all the rage.
Why would Snow White make a great judge?
Because she’s the fairest in the land.
Did you hear about the recent survey?
It shows that six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What happened when the seven dwarfs applied for another job?
They were put on a short list.
What type of vehicle does Mickey Mouse’s girlfriend drive?
A Minnie van.
Why was Cinderella such a bad figure skater?
Because her coach was a pumpkin.
Where does Mother Goose wait before going on stage?
In the wings.
How did the union leader begin his bedtime fairy tale to his young granddaughter?
Once upon a time and a half…
Did you hear about the two-headed ogre who got really angry?
He was beside himself.
What did the ogre get for his birthday?
Another year older.
What do you give an ogre with great big feet?
Lots of space.
What sort of pills do you give to a two-headed ogre?
Aspirin, because they are good for splitting headaches.
What would you call a kindhearted ogre?
A failure.
Where do ogres dance?
At the odd ball.
Who goes out with an ogre?
His girl-fiend.
Why did everyone laugh when the ogre sat down to play the grand piano?
Because there wasn’t a stool.
Why do ogres wear flowery embroidered braces?
To hold their trousers up.
Why did the clever dragon breathe fire?
Because he was a bright spark.
Why do dragons sleep all day?
So that they can fight knights.
The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors and Wall Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose – how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.
When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read: “George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock.”
A little boy greeted his gran with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you. Maybe Daddy will do the special trick he has been promising us.”
“What trick is that?” she asked.
“Well,” said the little boy excitedly, “I heard Daddy tell Mom that he would climb the walls if you came to stay with us again.”
A father and his young son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours left them with plenty of time for contemplation, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious and he asked his father some questions.
“How does this boat float?” he asked.
The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
The boy returned to his private thoughts, but soon came up with another question.
“How do fish breathe underwater?” he asked.
Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried that he was beginning to annoy his father, he asked, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
His father immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything.”
First woman: My grandfather drowned in varnish.
Second woman: What a horrible way to go!
First woman: Yes, but a beautiful finish.
A woman knocked at the door of a house and it was answered by a small boy. “I’m collecting for the old folks’ home,” she announced.
“Is there anything you would like to give?”
“Who is it?” shouted the boy’s mother from the kitchen.
“It’s a lady collecting for the old folks’ home,” replied the boy. “Shall I give her Grandma?”
Boy: Dad, there’s a man at the door collecting for a swimming pool.
Father: Give him a glass of water.
A couple were admiring their garden from the kitchen window. The wife said, “One day, you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds.”
“What’s wrong with the one we’ve got now?” asked the husband.
“Nothing really,” replied the wife. “But mother’s arms are getting tired.”
A wife phoned her husband at work and asked, “Darling, you know that old family heirloom in the attic?”
“You mean the bureau your mother left you?” he replied.
“Yes, that’s the one. Well, I finally got round to unlocking it this morning, and you’ll never guess what happened.”
“Tell me.”
“Ten people fell out!”
“What?! How come?”
The wife said, “It turned out it was a missing persons’ bureau.”
A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare dinner for her family and guests when in her haste she accidentally spilled a jar of herbs all over herself.
Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the kitchen and say casually, “Hey, Mom, I need someone to talk to.”
The mother replied, “Why would you possibly choose right now to try to talk to me?”
To which the daughter responded, “Well, it looked like you had some thyme on your hands.”
Three-year-old Scott had thin fly-away hair, so his mother often wet it to comb it into place. One morning as she applied water and slicked his hair back, she announced it was time for him to get another haircut.
“Mom,” Scott replied, “if you’d quit watering it so much, it wouldn’t grow so fast!”
One day three-year-old Lauren and her mother were running errands. Everything her mother said or did, Lauren asked, “Why?”
Finally, her mother said, “Lauren, please stop asking me why.”
After a short silence, Lauren looked at her mother and asked, “Okay, how come?”
Two sisters arrived home from school crying their eyes out.
“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.
“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.
“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother. “Your feet aren’t that big.” She turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”
“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.
“That’s not a problem,” the mother said. “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”
First boy: My brother’s just opened a shop.
Second boy: How’s he doing?
First boy: Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.
Four-year-old James was riding with his dad when the dad spotted a flock of geese flying overhead. The dad told James to look out the window so he could see how the geese formed the letter V. James looked up, then asked, “Do geese know the rest of the alphabet too?”
Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on her birthday. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother
remembered that his mother used to love to read classic novels but couldn’t see well any more, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from all the classic novels on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother.
The first son’s note said: “The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!”
The second son got a note that said: “I rarely leave the house any more, so I hardly use the limousine you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!”
The third son’s note said: “My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken you bought me was delicious.”
A mother asked her young son, “Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?”
The boy replied, “You said it was my lunch money.”
Old Aunt Harriet received a letter one morning and on reading it burst into tears.
“What’s the matter?” asked her friend.
“It’s my favourite nephew,” she sobbed. “He’s got three feet.”
“Three feet?” exclaimed the friend. “Surely that’s impossible!”
“Well,” said Aunt Harriet, “his mother’s just written to tell me that he’s grown another foot.”
A little girl complained to her father, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!”
Trying to be funny, her father joked, “But, honey, you already have a sister.”
Confused, the toddler asked, “I do?”
“Sure,” her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. “You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door.”
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, “You mean just like my other daddy!”
A salesman saw a young boy sitting on the porch of a house and said, “Hi, son. Is your Mom at home?”
“She sure is,” replied the boy.
The salesman rang on the doorbell but there was no reply. So he pressed again, and then for a third time. Still there was no reply. Finally, in frustration he turned to the boy and said, “I thought you said your Mom was at home?”
“She is,” answered the boy. “But
I don’t live here.”
An Ohio businessman named Henry Lang was part of the wealthiest and most influential family in the district. Everyone around knew of the Langs, and eventually in recognition of all that the family had done for the community, the townsfolk erected a huge sign in front of the train station saying: “Welcome, on behalf of the Langs.”
Eventually, Henry moved away to New York, but one New Year’s Eve he returned to his Ohio birthplace to see whether the place had changed. He was shocked to see that the townsfolk had taken down the old Lang sign.
Two little boys, aged eight and ten, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the eight year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more, shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and got into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We’re in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!”
