Receptionist: Dr Wynazonski is waiting for you.
Patient: Which doctor?
Receptionist: Oh no, he’s fully qualified.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.
Have you seen a psychiatrist?
No – only pink striped crocodiles.
Doctor, Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after my operation?
Most certainly – you should be able to play it with ease.
That’s wonderful – I could never play it before.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty-four hours to live.
Patient: Twenty-four hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep shrinking.
Now settle down, you’ll just have to be a little patient.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a canary.
Perch yourself down and I’ll tweet you in a minute.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a duck.
Why don’t you try a quack doctor?
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a frog.
Hop it!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m an owl.
Don’t be such a twit.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m in the village band and I swallowed my harmonica. What should I do?
Be grateful that you don’t play the piano.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m terrified of squirrels.
You must be nuts.
Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a clock about eighteen months ago.
Why didn’t you come to see me sooner?
I didn’t want to alarm anybody.
A doctor says to his patient, “You must take things quietly at night.”
The patient replies, “I do, doctor, I’m a cat burglar!”
A doctor says to his patient, “Your cough sounds better today.”
The patient replies, “It should, I practised all night.”
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cat.
I’ve got the purrfect cure for you.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a mouse.
Hard cheese!
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve just swallowed a sheep.
How do you feel? Very baa-aaa-d.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cow.
Pull the udder one.
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump,” says the doctor.
The third patient answered, “Well, doctor, I can’t swim.”
Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop pulling ugly faces.
That’s not a serious problem. Yes, but people with ugly faces don’t like it.
Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop sneezing.
Don’t worry – it’s much achoo about nothing.
Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop trembling.
I’ll be with you in a couple of shakes.
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got lettuce sticking out of my ear.
Oh dear. I fear that it may be just the tip of the iceberg.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel very flushed.
You must have flu.
No, I walked.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep hearing ringing in my ears.
Nonsense, you’re as sound as a bell.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing double.
Just lie down on the couch.
Which one?
Doctor, Doctor, I need something for my kidneys.
Here’s some steak – make yourself a pie.
Doctor, Doctor, my hearing aid isn’t working properly.
What’s wrong with it?
Half-past nine.
Doctor, Doctor, what do you recommend for flat feet?
Try a foot pump.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Doctor, Doctor, can you treat water on the brain?
Yes, with a tap on the head.
Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a pillow.
How do you feel?
A little down in the mouth.
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Doctor, Doctor, my stomach keeps getting bigger.
You should diet.
Really? What colour?
Doctor, Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a parachutist.
Tell him to drop in and see me sometime.
A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
The doctor asked, “Where?”
The man replied, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Did you hear about the man who was taken to hospital after eating 100 daffodil bulbs?
Doctors say he should be out in the spring.
Doctor: You’ve got a new disease found in soft butter.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: I don’t know, but it spreads easily.
Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won one million dollars in the lottery. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
“I think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,” suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
“Now, you don’t have to worry about anything,” said the doctor. “I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.”
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to the lottery.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “what would you do if you had a large win on the lottery – say one million dollars?”
“Why,” replied the old lady, “I’d give half of it to you, of course.”
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m going on holiday soon. How do I avoid getting diseases from biting insects?
Simple – don’t bite any.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snooker ball.
Get to the end of the cue.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a piano.
I’d better take some notes.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell the truth, Doctor, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there – if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
A paramedic and a nurse were called to the scene of a bad road accident. The paramedic briefly examined the victim and said, “We need to get this man to hospital.”
“What is it?” asked the nurse.
“It’s a big building with a lot of doctors,” said the paramedic, “but that’s not important now.”
A lady rings her local hospital and says to the receptionist, “Hello, I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilized or improved.”
The receptionist asks, “Do you know which ward she is in?”
“Yes, ward P, room 2B.”
“I’ll just put you through to the nurses’ station on that ward.”
A nurse picks up the call and says, “Hello, ward P, how can I help?”
The lady says, “I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilized or improved?”
“I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.”
“Oh that’s wonderful news. I’m so happy. Thank you ever so much!”
“You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?” the nurse asks.
The lady replies, “No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells you anything in here.”
How did the doctor treat a broken leg?
He took it to the funfair.
A man had been feeling sick for quite some time and finally decided to see a doctor. The doctor came out and told the patient that he had some bad news to share. “You are going to die,” he said.
“When will I die?” the patient asked.
“Ten,” the doctor replied.
The bewildered patient asked, “Ten what? Years, months, days…? Tell me Doctor, I have to know.”
The doctor said, “Nine…”
Why are doctors known as stingy?
First they say they will treat you, and then they make you pay for it.
A doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and on the way to preschool, his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
“Wonderful!” thought the doctor. “My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”
Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
What do you call two doctors?
Paramedics.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m allergic to perfume.
Don’t worry, I’ll have you scent to a specialist
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got warts and I hate them.
Don’t worry, they’ll grow on you.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m scared of the high jump.
You’ll soon get over it.
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got a little sty.
Then you’d better buy a little pig.
Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop climbing mountains.
Don’t worry, we’ll soon have you in peak condition.
Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop doing crosswords.
What’s wrong with that?
I haven’t a clue.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a needle.
I see your point.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a camera.
I’ll be with you in a flash.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a cup of coffee.
I’ll be with you in an instant.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dictionary.
I’ll have a word with you later.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a racing car.
Now, now – don’t exhaust yourself.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a kite.
You’ll really have to come down to earth.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a window.
Tell me where the pane is.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a baby.
Now don’t get rattled.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a barometer.
Don’t worry, you’re just a bit under the weather.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dumpling.
Don’t get into such a stew.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a car.
You must be going round the bend.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire?
Drink this glass of water.
Will it make me feel better?
No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a clock.
Don’t worry, you’re just a little wound up.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a watch.
I’ll be with you in a tick.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a tennis racket.
Don’t worry, you’re just highly strung.
Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’
That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Is it common?
Well, it’s not unusual.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m an angel.
Don’t harp on about it.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m going to die in fifty-nine seconds.
Hold on, I’ll see you in a minute.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a huge African river.
You’re in denial.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m an elevator.
You may be coming down with something.
Doctor, Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Certainly. How about this paper bag?
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a wheelbarrow.
Don’t let people push you around.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of glasses.
Stop making a spectacle of yourself.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m an umbrella.
Doctor, Doctor, one day I feel like a knitting needle and the next I feel like a ball of wool.
That’s a familiar pattern.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m going to die.
Don’t worry, that’s the last thing you’ll do.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a ventriloquist.
You’re far too old to have a dummy.
Doctor: I can’t do anything about your condition. I’m afraid it’s hereditary.
Patient: In that case, send the bill to my parents.
Patient: My wife thinks she’s a chicken.
Doctor: Have you tried telling her she’s not a chicken?
Patient: No. We need the eggs.
Did you hear about the careless plastic surgeon?
He stood in front of a fire and melted.
