Why are meteors better than toilet paper?
Because one meteor was able to wipe out all the dinosaurs in the world.
Why did the caveman always show up at the party first?
He was Early Man.
What do you call the first man who discovered fire?
Toast.
What did the cavewoman say when she found bugs crawling under a rock?
“Dinner's ready!”
What do you call the remains of a woolly mammoth?
A fuzzle.
What do you call a dinosaur stuck in a glacier?
A fossicle.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Iguanodon.
Iguanodon who?
Iguanodon town to see the dinosaur exhibit.
Then there was the caveboy who invented the wheel. He told his buddies to keep it a secret. “Don't tell my dad,” he said. “Or he'll make me invent the garage.”
What do pterodactyls have that no other creature has?
Little pterodactyls.
What toys did cavekids play with?
Tricera-tops.
A full-grown stegosaurus can grow up to how many feet?
Just the four.
The world's first glacier was spotted by a caveman with good ice sight.
Cavepeople invented the world's first music by rolling boulders down a hill. They called it rock-and-roll.
Teacher: Why were there no humans alive during the dinosaur age?
Alex: Because it was Pre-Stork times.
Double or Nothing
Tell a friend or an adult that you will be able to double their money without buying anything, going on the Stock Exchange, or using a computer. Then ask them for a dollar bill.
Simply fold the bill in half and say, “There! I doubled your money!”
Did you hear about the cavewoman who found a saber-toothed tiger trapped in a block of ice? She quickly built a fire and melted the ice, releasing the dangerous creature. After the tiger carried off her husband, her neighbors asked her why she had done it. “I made a terrible mistake,” she said. “I thought I thawed a pussycat!”
GROSS!
A man is racing to the bathroom, a second man is leaving it, and a third man is still inside. Can you guess their nationalities?
Russian, Finnish, and European.
What did Mother say to Father when their baby boy fell down the stairs?
“Oh, look, honey! Our little boy is taking his first twenty-three steps!”
Mother: Why did you put a frog in your sister's bed?
Jimmy: I couldn't find a snake.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
“Waiter! There's a cockroach in my salad!” “Please don't shout, sir. Or else the other customers will be asking for one, too!”
“Everything about life is funny.”
— Monica Seles
Teacher: Oh dear! I've lost another pupil.
Principal: How did that happen?
Teacher: My glass eye flew out the window while I was driving.
Did you hear about the poor girl who swallowed the thermometer?
She's dying by degrees.
What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's burp?
One is a bar room, and the other is a bar-OOOOM!
Do you remember when you lost your baby teeth?
Yeah, and was I surprised my dad could hit a baseball that hard!
“A train smashed into my bicycle, and I didn't even get hurt.”
“Why not?”
“My brother Dave was riding it.”
How do you keep a rooster from crowing on Sunday morning?
Make rooster stew Saturday night.
Why doesn't your sister like eating dill pickles?
She keeps getting her head stuck in the jar.
“That bully down the street just broke my finger!”
“Gosh, how did he do that?”
“He hit me in the nose.”
Did you hear about the new principal who's been keeping the boys on their toes?
He raised all the urinals six inches.
How was King Henry VIII different from normal husbands?
He married his wives first, and axed them after.
There was a young monk of Siberia
Who of fasting grew wearia and wearia,
Till one day with a yell
He escaped from his cell
And devoured the Father Superia.
HOW'S BUSINESS?
Astronomer: It's looking up.
Submarine pilot: It has its ups and downs.
Oil rigger: Boring.
Tree doctor: Knot Two bad.
Carpenter: It's leveling off.
Surgeon: I always get a lot out of my patients.
Roofer: Customers are sliding off.
Boat racer: Sails are dropping.
Minister: Prophets are increasingly read.
Farmer: The field keeps growing.
Air traffic controller: Can't come, plane!
Model: The figures aren't all in yet.
Aerobics instructor: I'm reducing the bottom line.
“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”
— Erma Bombeck
Beekeeper: Business is humming.
Car mechanic: Planning to re-tire.
Pizza chef: Making dough hand over fist.
Miner: Roughly carving out a living.
Highway worker: A bit bumpy.
Ballet dancer: Keeps me on my toes.
Teacher: Sorry, but that's classified information
The Money Drop, or The Buck Doesn't Stop Here
Take out a crisp 1-dollar bill and hold it in your right hand. Let it hang down from your thumb and forefinger. Place the fingers and thumb of your left hand loosely around the bill without touching it. Let go of the bill with your right hand and catch it in your left hand. Don't grab it until the right hand has completely let go.
Show this little movement to your friends and bet them they can't catch the bill.
Again, hold the bill in your right hand. Let them (one at a time, of course) place their left hand loosely around the hanging bill. Tell them to catch the bill after you let go. Say, “If you can catch the falling bill, it's yours to keep.”
They can't do it!
Why? In the time it takes your friends' eyeballs to register that the bill is falling, and for their brain to send out a second message to their hands telling them to grab, the bill has already dropped from their grasp. Gravity works too fast in this case, faster than human reflexes.
The reason you are able to catch the bill is because your brain knows when you are about to release the bill. Your friends, however, don't have that “insider” information.
Tips: The bill should be crisp. If it is not new, fold a crease in the bill lengthwise.
Instruct your friends not to grab the bill until they see you let go.
After practicing this trick, try it with a 10- or 20-dollar bill (if you dare!).
HAVING A BALL
What has 18 legs, spits, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Why did the football coach rip apart the pay telephone?
He was trying to get his quarterback.
“The great comics and comedians have been the ones who dared to mix comedy with tragedy.”
— Robin Tyler
(Who does Tyler think are great comics? Charlie Chaplin, Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin, and Richard Pryor.)
Which football team travels with the most luggage?
The Packers.
What dessert should basketball players never eat?
Turnovers.
Which college team has the tallest players?
O-HIGH-O State.
Fullback: I'm sick, Coach. The doctor says I can't play football.
Coach: I don't need a doctor to tell me that!
Why is bowling cheaper than playing golf?
Because in bowling, no matter how badly you play, you can never lose the ball!
“What do you call your dad when he water skis in the winter?”
“A Popsicle.”
“What does your mom call him?”
“Crazy!”
“Did you hear about the scuba diver who heard music underwater?”
“Was it a singing fish?”
“No, a coral group.”
A college star fullback played with his team for 12 years!
He could run and tackle — he just couldn't pass.
What do you call a basketball player's pet chicken?
A personal fowl.
What do you get when a soccer player kicks a duck?
Someone who foots the bill.
Did you hear about the football coach who got his teeth knocked out?
He was showing a new player how to kick the ball. He held it on the ground and said, “Now when I nod my head, kick it!”
Golfer: Young man, why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddie: This isn't a watch. It's a compass!
Did you hear about the billionaire who bought his kid 10 new golf clubs?
Each of them comes with a swimming pool and a private parking lot.
What is the quietest sport in the world?
Bowling. You can hear a pin drop.
What's the noisiest sport in the world?
Tennis. There's always a racket on the court.
Why is a baseball stadium such a cool place to be?
It's full of fans!
Did you hear about the quarterback who beat up his receiver every morning?
The quarterback gets up at six, and the receiver gets up at seven.
Golfer: Boy, the traps on this golf course are sure annoying.
Pro: I'll say, so would you please shut yours?
I heard there was a baseball team that won without ever putting a man on base.
Yeah, it was an all-girl team!
Angry Golfer: You must be the world's worst caddy!
Caddy: Oh no, that would be too much of a coincidence.
“There are two things the golf pro will not eat for breakfast.”
“Really, what are they?”
“Lunch and dinner.”
Why didn't the golfer wear his new shoes on the course today?
Because yesterday he got a hole in one.
Little Rosie was telling her friend about all the places her family had lived. “We must have lived in ten different towns since I was a baby.” Her friend was impressed and asked, “Is your dad a minister or in the Army?” “Neither,” said Rosie, “he's a football coach.”
A fellow took his younger brother to the golf course with his pals. The younger boy thought he'd play his first game. He watched all the older boys tee off, and then stepped up to hit the ball.
“ONE!” he yelled, as he swung at the ball.
His brother rolled his eyes and said, “Why didn't you yell ‘Fore’ like the rest of us?”
The boy said, “You aim at whichever hole you want, I'm trying to hit the first one.”
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
— Will Rogers
Why was Cinderella such a lousy soccer player?
She had a pumpkin for a coach.
A mother brought her daughter to the golf course for the first time.
“What are those guys doing over there?” she asked her mother.
“They're checking out the sand traps.”
“Cool, let's go see if they caught any.”
Caddie: Here's a lost ball I found out on the course.
Boss: How do you know it was lost?
Caddie: Because they were still looking for it when I left.
Golfer: Any idea how I could cut about ten strokes off my game?
Caddie: Yeah, quit on the seventeenth hole.
VIDEO QUIPS (PUNNY NAMES)
Car Wars
directed by Otto Mobile
Cliff Hanger
directed by Ben Dover and Hugo First
I Was a Teenage Werewolf
directed by Anita Shave
Under the Bleachers
directed by Seymour Butts
Summer Vacation
directed by Sandy Beech
Explode!
directed by Adam Bomm
The Fortune Teller
directed by Horace Cope
Escape from New York
directed by Willy Makit
Escape from New York, Part Two
directed by Betty Will
Saved by the Bell
directed by Justin Tyme
The Expanding Envelope
Tell your friends that you can walk through an envelope. That's right! Through an envelope. No one will believe you, but that's never stopped you before.
First, seal your envelope. Next, using scissors, carefully cut the envelope along the lines shown below. Cut into the body of the envelope and the sides … NOT the ends.
Seeing Dead People
directed by Freyda Thudark
Who Wants To be a Zillionaire?
directed by Sherwood B. Nice.
The Pizza Guy
directed by Ann Chovey
Scary Movie
directed by Hans Archer Throte
Incredible Airplane Crashes!
directed by Isaac DeMye Stumick
Rock-and-Roll Prom
directed by Tristan Shout
The Last Video Game
directed by Joyce Tick
King of Comedy
directed by Shirley U. Jest
Lost Treasure
directed by Barry Deep
The Ghost Screams at Midnight
directed by Waylon Mone
Night of the Cat Burglar
directed by Jimmy DeLock
“The role of the comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.”
— Lenny Bruce
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