Dinosaur Park
directed by Tara Dacktill
Revenge of the Mad Cow
directed by I. C. Hanz
Chickens Run
directed by Iona Farm
Return of the Zombies
directed by Doug Moregraves
All Those Dogs!
directed by Hunter and Juan del Mayshuns
GAGS AND GIGGLES
The dim-witted terrorist was sent out to blow up a car. He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Two boys went to the movies. After the film had already started, they both got up and walked to the concession stand for some popcorn and soda pop. When they walked back into the darkened theater, one of the boys said to a man sitting on the aisle, “Excuse me, sir, but did we step on your toes on the way out?”
“You certainly did,” said the man.
The boy turned to his friend and said, “Okay, this is our row.”
There was the poor shoe salesman who had pulled out half of his stock, trying to find the perfect shoe for a young girl.
Words to Know
Gag: a laugh-provoking remark, trick, or prank
“Do you mind if I sit and rest a moment?” he asked her. “Your feet are killing me.”
A snooty young woman was put off by a man begging for money.
“Are you satisfied walking the streets like this and asking for handouts?”
“No, ma'am,” said the beggar. “I wish I could use a car.”
Harry and his friends went deer hunting one fall. The first morning they all split up and disappeared into the woods. After lunch, Harry spotted one of his friends coming out of the woods.
“Where's the rest of the guys?” asked Harry, excitedly.
“They're at the cabin,” said his friend.
“All of them?” asked Harry.
“Yeah, all of them.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Harry, I'm sure,” said his friend. “Why do you keep asking?”
Harry had a big smile. “Boy, is that a relief. That means I shot a deer!”
Once the flood was over, Noah opened up the Ark and released all the animals back onto dry land. After the last animal had bounded off to freedom, Noah trudged wearily inside the ship to start the long chore of cleaning up. To his surprise, he noticed two snakes coiled up in a corner.
“Why are you two still here?” asked Noah.
One of the snakes answered, “Well, sir, you told us to go forth and multiply.”
“Yes, indeed,” said Noah.
“We can't multiply,” said the snake. “We're adders.”
A vampire took a vacation on a cruise ship. The headwaiter asked if he'd like to check out their menu.
“No thanks,” said the vampire. “But do you have a passenger list?”
Gretchen: Why are you feeding your chickens boiled water?
Karl: I want them to lay boiled eggs.
Max: There's just one thing that would make you look even better than you do now.
Dot: What's that?
Max: Distance.
Did you hear about the knothead who fell down the elevator shaft?
When he gained consciousness he yelled, “I said UP!”
Rosie: Do you think my painting is any good?
Bill: In a way.
Rosie: What kind of way?
Bill: Away off.
A fellow walks into a hotel and asks for a room.
“We don't have any rooms,” said the clerk. “We're full up.”
“But I've been to every other hotel in this town,” said the man. “They're all full. Are you sure you don't have any room somewhere?”
“I already told you,” said the clerk. “No available room.”
The man thought a moment then said, “If I were the president of the United States would you have a room for me?”
“Yes,” said the clerk. “If you were the president.”
“Well, give me his room, then,” said the man, “Because he's not coming.”
Did you hear about the rich kid whose father told him, “Son, I'm sorry, but tomorrow I need the limousine and chauffeur for work.”
“But, Pop,” said the kid, “how will I get to school?”
“Like every other normal kid in America,” said the father. “You'll take a cab.”
A prisoner on his way to the electric chair was asked if he had any last requests.
“I'd like some strawberries,” says the prisoner.
“Strawberries?” says the guard. “They're not in season for six months yet.”
The prisoner says, “Fine. I'll wait.”
“We saw the Grand Canyon in ten days.”
“That's a long vacation.”
“Yeah, it took us five days to drive through and another five to refold the maps.”
How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
“Are you sure you've ridden a horse before?”
“Oh yes.”
“Then what kind of saddle would you like?
With a horn or without?”
“I'll take the one without a horn. I doubt if I'll run into much traffic.”
You heard what Noah told his son when they went fishing?
“Easy on the bait, son, we only have two worms.”
A newspaper reporter was interviewing a gnarled, wrinkled, white-haired farmer as he sat quietly rocking on his front porch.
“Sir,” said the reporter. “I'd like to know the secret of your long life.”
“Well, son,” replied the farmer. “I drink a gallon of whisky, smoke ten cigars, and stay out partying every night of the week.”
“That's amazing,” said the reporter. “And how old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”
“The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.”
— Friedrich von Schiller (1783)
Bottom's Up
Bet your friends or family that you can drink from a soda pop can without opening it or tampering with it in any way. They'll think you're nuts! But you can prove them wrong.
Take a soda pop can and then turn it over. All aluminum pop cans have a slight indentation on the bottom. You can easily fill this indentation with water (or with pop from a different can). You'll be able to sip your drink from the can's bottom without opening it or tampering with it.
Tip: When making the bet, be sure to tell them that you will “drink from a can” and not “drink out of a can.” The words are important. Say the wrong thing and your friends and family can trip you up, and you'll be forced to eat — or drink — your own words!
Mother: Honey, ask the butcher if he has calf's tongue.
Jimmy: Why ask? I'll just wait until he opens his mouth and look.
Mother (looking at the meat display): Jimmy, can you tell if the butcher has pickled pig's feet?
Jimmy: No, I can't. He's wearing shoes.
“Did you hear the news? They rescued a man from the swamp this morning whose foot was bitten off by an alligator!”
“Which one?”
“Who knows? All alligators look the same.”
Have you heard about that new dog food?
It tastes like a mail carrier.
A rookie cop got bawled out by his sergeant after working his first stakeout.
“How could you let that crook escape?” yelled the sergeant. “I told you to keep an eye on all the exits.”
“I did, Sarge. He must have gone out one of the entrances.”
Did you hear about the weirdo who went to see a movie at the drive-in theater called
Closed for Repairs?
THE WORLD'S SEVEN BEST LIMERICKS
There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And came back on the previous night.
There was a young fellow of Crete
Who was so exceedingly neat,
When he got out of bed
He stood on his head
To make sure of not soiling his feet
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarreled, I'm told,
'Bout that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
Words to Know
Limerick: a light or humorous verse with a specific rhythm and rhyme scheme
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee,”
Said the flea, “Let us fly,”
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
A certain young man named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe
“But,” he said, “we must see
What the clerical fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
There once was a maid from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they questioned her why,
She replied, “Because I
Like to squeeze as many syllables into the concluding line of the limerick as I possibly can.”
FUN FACT
BRIEFLY FUNNY
Limericks have been making people laugh for over a hundred years. But funny stuff can always be improved on. Comic poet Ogden Nash invented a streamlined, or mini version, of the Limerick called the Limick.
An outlaw from Spain
Fled to Paris by train
Where he jumped in the river —
They found him in-Seine.
A fellow from Hutton's,
The grandest of gluttons,
Makes room for dessert
By popping his buttons
It's Rhyme Time
Add the missing letter in each of the following words to make a group of words that all rhyme. Now choose the three words that will correctly finish the limerick below. BE CAREFUL! Sometimes more than one letter can be used to make a word. If you can't find three words in your list that fit in the limerick, go back to the word list and try making other words.
Signs found hanging on the doors of …
An Astronaut: OUT TO LAUNCH
A fencing instructor: OUT TO LUNGE
A nuclear Scientist: GONE FISSION
A music Teacher: GONE CHOPIN, BE BACH SOON
A dance instructor: BACK IN A MINUET
A car mechanic: ON A BRAKE
A chiropractor: BE RIGHT, BACK!
A surgeon: JUST CUT OUT
A dog trainer: WILL RETURN IN FIVE MINUTES. SIT. STAY.
A nudist colony: WE'RE NEVER CLOTHED
A dentist: OPEN WIDE
Bye Bye
Which sign did the eye doctor leave on her door when she went on vacation?
LAUGHING STOCK
“Does your family own a cat?”
“No, why?”
“I thought I heard it meowing last night.”
“That's just our dog. He's been listening to foreign language tapes.”
Jenny: Doctor, I have a problem. I love Bermuda shorts.
Doctor: Lots of people love Bermuda shorts.
Jenny: With mustard and relish?
“I got a role in the new Tarzan movie. Boy, you should have seen all the crazy animals we had to work with.”
“Were you the star?”
“No, but when the lion got loose and chased the cast, I was the leading man!”
“The best humor is the most obvious. When the audience has to stop and think too hard about a punchline, the punch is lost.”
— Thom Melcher
Harold and Stanley were brothers. Harold went on a business trip and asked Stanley to look after his pet kitten. The first night of his trip, Harold phoned his brother and asked how little Buttons was doing.
“Buttons is dead,” said Stanley, flatly.
Harold was appalled. “Stanley! That's no way to tell me bad news.”
“How should I have told you?” asked Stanley.
“Break it to me gently,” said Harold. “Little by little. You could have said that Buttons was up on the roof. Then say you had to call the fire department. Then say the ladder wasn't long enough. Then tell me that Buttons tried to jump. And then you could have said he was in the hospital. And that he was growing weaker and weaker. That he stopped eating. Then, eventually, you could have told me that poor Buttons died.”
“Sorry,” said Stanley. “I'll know better next time.”
“All right,” said Harold. “By the way, how's Mom?”
“Well, she's up on the roof.”
A miser won the lottery with a ticket he bought — $1,000,000! But he still seemed depressed. “What's wrong?” asked his neighbor. The miser sighed and said, “When I think of the dollar I wasted buying this other lottery ticket.”
Joey: Yuck! This is the worst tasting apple pie I ever had!
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Joey: Glue!
Waiter: Then that's the pumpkin pie. The apple pie tastes like mud
Mother: Billy, what is all that grass doing sticking out of your pockets?
Billy: The worms in there have to eat something, don't they?
Troop Leader: Do you know how to make a fire with just two sticks?
Cub Scout: Yes, sir. As long as one of the sticks is a match.
My poor sister had an awful time of it. First she got arthritis and rheumatism. And after that she got appendicitis, tonsillitis, and then pneumonia. They even had to give her hypodermics. Whew! I didn't think she'd ever make it through that spelling contest!
Five-year-old Kevin came running down the stairs, wailing and weeping. “What ever is the matter?” asked his mother. “I was upstairs with Daddy,” said Kevin. “He was putting up pictures. And he hit his thumb with the hammer.” The mother grinned. “That's all right, honey. Your daddy is a grown-up man. He doesn't let something like that worry him. And you shouldn't either. You should have just laughed.” Then Kevin sobbed, “I did!”
My doctor believes in shock therapy. That's why he sends me his bill!
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