Why was the burger thrown out of the army?
He couldn’t pass mustard.
A slice of cheese and a slice of ham were talking in a café, knowing that they would soon be made into a cheese sandwich and a ham roll respectively.
The slice of cheese was sweating at the prospect. “Any moment now I’ll be the filling in a sandwich and a huge pair of teeth will sink into me. It’s too awful to contemplate.”
“It doesn’t worry me,” said the slice of ham. “Nothing can touch me. I’m on a roll.”
How do you make soup golden?
Add twenty-four carrots.
If there were no food left, what could people do?
Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people could have their traffic jams.
Why was the convict not allowed his favourite vegetable at dinner?
The jailer told him, “No peas for the wicked.”
What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won’t eat broccoli.
Which fruit stays up late to study for exams?
A cramberry.
Which dessert was ruined at the Battle of the Little Big Horn?
General Custard.
What cake gives you an electric shock?
A current bun.
What is rhubarb?
Celery with high blood pressure.
Why was the cake so hard?
It was marble cake.
What’s bad tempered and goes with custard?
Apple grumble.
Did you hear about the man who went out leaving alphabet soup on the stove?
He was worried it could spell disaster.
What fruits are highly paid and work for the civil service?
Government mandarins.
Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says, “Gee, it’s hot in here.”
The other sausage says, “Oh my goodness, it’s a talking sausage.”
How do you mend a broken tomato?
With tomato paste.
Why did the lettuce cross the road?
What fruit takes the longest to grow?
A sloe.
How do bakers trade recipes?
On a knead to know basis.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
A blacksmith who lived in a remote German village was cut off by blizzards during a harsh winter. With the roads impassable, he was unable to get to the shops for essential food supplies. The weather showed no sign of improving and his plight became increasingly desperate. Eventually, with nobody local to turn to, he contacted his brother, who lived over 200 miles away in Berlin and asked him to send a food parcel by helicopter.
“What sort of food do you want me to send?” asked the brother.
The blacksmith said, “Some bread, some milk, oh, and some sausage. Definitely some sausage. It has been weeks since I tasted a good German sausage.”
The brother promised to send the parcel as a matter of urgency but three days later it had still not arrived. “I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this,” wailed the blacksmith. “I am tired and frail, I have no gas or electricity, snow is piled against the front door, and the wurst is yet to come!”
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What’s purple and juicy and 5,000 miles long?
The Grape Wall of China.
Why did the raspberry laugh?
Because it saw the strawberry fool.
Why did people think the wedding cake was unhappy?
Because it was in tiers.
Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife?
It was in the newspaper, in the currant affairs section.
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden.
How do you make an apple crumble?
Torture it.
How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down a hill.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What goes with a jacket potato?
Button mushrooms.
A man walked into a bar and ordered a hot dog and a Coke. He drank the Coke, put the hot dog on his head, smashed it with his hand and walked out before the bartender could say a word.
The next day the man returned and again ordered a hot dog and a Coke. The bartender watched in amazement as the man drank the Coke, put the hot dog on his head, smashed it with his hand and walked out.
The man was back again the following day and placed his regular order of a hot dog and a Coke. But this time the bartender decided to catch him out and told him, “We’re out of hot dogs.”
“Okay,” said the man, unfazed. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and a Coke.”
He drank the Coke, put the cheeseburger on his head, smashed it with his hand and made for the door.
“Hey, wait!” called the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer. “Why did you smash that cheeseburger on your head?”
The man looked at him and replied, “Because you didn’t have any hot dogs.”
What does the Easter bunny order at a Chinese restaurant?
Hop suey.
What do you get if you cross a door knocker with some zucchini, tomatoes, onions and garlic?
Rat-a-tat-a-touille.
What is green, round and wears oven gloves?
A cooking apple.
Boy: Dad, do you like baked apples?
Father: Yes, I do. Why?
Boy: The orchard’s on fire.
First mushroom: I’m fed up.
Second mushroom: Don’t talk to me. I’ve got truffles enough of my own.
What kind of security systems do fast-food restaurants have?
Burger alarms.
Two young girls were eating their packed lunches in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, “Watch out for worms, won’t you?”
The first girl replied, “Why should I? They can watch out for themselves!”
Why are cooks evil?
Because they whip cream and beat eggs.
Why were the baby strawberries crying?
Because their mother was in a jam.
In the school cafeteria, the lunchlady put up a sign near the pile of apples: “Take Only One. Remember God is watching.”
On the pile of candies, a child put up a note: “Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples.”
What do you get from a baker with a sense of humour?
Wry bread.
When do you stop at green and go at red?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
What’s smelly, round and laughs?
A tickled onion.
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn’t happy about that. “When are you going to learn to be polite?” he said.
Bill said, “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom replied, “The smaller piece, of course.”
“So what are you whining about then?” said Bill. “You’ve got the smaller piece!”
What did the frog order when he went to McDonald’s?
A Hoppy Meal.
Why did the baby cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long.
Two carrots are crossing the road when one gets run over by a car. His friend calls an ambulance and he is rushed to hospital. After several hours of surgery, the doctor comes out and speaks to his carrot friend.
“I have good news and bad news,” the doctor said. “The good news is your friend will live, the bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way last week.
Where are stir-fry cooks never at home?
They’re always at wok.
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said. “What is this?”
“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.
“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”
Why did the grape go out with the prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date.
What do you call a man with jelly in one ear and custard and sponge in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What do you get when two strawberries meet?
A strawberry shake.
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
Because it ran out of juice.
Why do people become bakers?
Because they knead the dough.
A family are having dinner when Johnny, the young son, says, “Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?”
“I’ve told you never to mention such things during meals!” his father replies.
His mother says, “Why did you ask that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “It’s because I saw one on Daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.”
What are apricots?
Where baby monkeys sleep.
What do bakers play on their lunchbreak?
Tic Tac Dough.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
First boy: This morning my dad accidentally gave me soap flakes instead of bran flakes for breakfast.
Second boy: I bet you were mad.
First boy: Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!
What did the girl melon say to the boy melon?
We’re too young, we can’t elope.
What kind of cheese would you hide a horse in?
Mascarpone.
A husband and wife were arguing about who should make the pot of tea in the morning.
She told him, “You should do it because you always get up first, so we won’t have as long to wait.”
He told her, “You’re in charge of cooking, so it’s your job. I don’t mind waiting.”
Flustered, she countered, “No, you should do it because it says in the Bible that it’s a man’s job to make the pot of tea.”
“Where does it say that?” he demanded. “Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, turned to the New Testament and showed him that at the top of several pages it says “Hebrews”.
Two oranges go into a bar. One says to the other, “You’re round.”
Why was the celery scared?
It had a stalker.
What vegetable needs a plumber?
A leek.
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything, and I’m not even sure he’ll remember to come back to the office!”
Just then the door flew open, and in bounded George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch I met Old Man Smithers, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this million-dollar order!”
“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”
What can you make from baked beans and onions?
Tear gas.
Did you hear about the man who decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak?
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fun guy.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can’t?
Look round.
Did you hear about the man who was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death.
What cake wanted to rule the world?
Attila the Bun.
A stupid guy worked at a doughnut shop. It was his first day there. A customer walked in and said, “How much are these doughnuts?”
The stupid guy answered, “I don’t know.” So the customer left.
The manager walked in and said, “No, no, you’re supposed to say, ‘Only a dollar and 25 cents.’”
Another customer walked in and asked, “Are these doughnuts fresh?”
The stupid guy said, “I don’t know.” So the customer left.
The manager walked in and said, “No, no, you’re supposed to say, ‘Yes, yes, very fresh.’”
Another customer walked in and said, “Can I buy these?”
And the stupid guy said, “I don’t know.” So the customer left.
The manager walked in and said, “No, no, you’re supposed to say, ‘If you don’t, somebody else will.’”
The next day a robber walked in to the doughnut shop and said, “How much money you got in that cash register?”
The stupid guy replied, “Only a dollar and 25 cents.”
The robber said, “Are you trying to be fresh with me?”
The stupid guy answered, “Yes, yes, very fresh!”
The robber said, “Can I shoot you?”
The stupid guy replied, “If you don’t, somebody else will.”
Why wouldn’t the newspaper reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
Because he wanted a scoop.
How should you deal with an angry, 300-pound baked potato?
Just butter him up.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spec-tater.
What do you call an extremely bossy potato?
A dic-tater.
What do you call a potato that can never decide what to do?
A hezzie-tater.
What do you call a potato that does impressions?
An imi-tater.
What do you call a militant potato?
An agi-tater.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
A hot dog walked into a bar and ordered a bottle of beer.
The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
What did Lee become when he ate raw onions for a week?
Lone Lee.
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Three prisoners were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution, they were offered the chance to choose what they would like to eat for their last meal.
The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.
The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.
The third prisoner asked for strawberries.
“Strawberries?” queried the guards.
“That’s right,” said the prisoner. “Strawberries.”
“But they’re out of season!”
“It’s okay,” said the prisoner. “I’ll wait…”
What did the father say after his son had eaten the last apple?
They don’t grow on trees, you know.
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What’s eating you?
Second apple: A worm, I think.
What are the heaviest noodles in the world?
Wanton noodles.
A man approached the cake stall at a fair and asked the woman who was running the stall
how much a slice of cake was.
“That’s two dollars,” she said.
“And how about that cake?” he said, pointing to another slice. “How much is that?”
“That’s three dollars,” she said.
“Oh!” said the man, surprised. “Why is that more expensive?”
“Because,” replied the woman, “that’s Madeira cake.”
What can you serve but not eat?
A tennis ball.
What kind of bean doesn’t grow in your garden?
A jelly bean.
What is as round as a biscuit, as deep as a cup and not even the Atlantic Ocean can fill it up?
A tea strainer.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch! It was an iron bar.
A man walks into a coffee shop and is given a huge mug, which he takes to his table. But when he tries to drink it, he finds that instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he goes to complain.
The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager. The manager is very indignant and says, “But it’s exactly what you asked for.”
“No it isn’t!” says the customer. “How can this possibly be what I ordered?”
The manager replies, “It’s a cup o’ chinos.”
When is it dangerous to be hit on the head by a tomato?
When it’s still in the can.
How does the gingerbread man make his bed?
With cookie sheets.
How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
Two men have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
“Look Dave,” says the first man. “It’s a bacon tree!”
Dave doesn’t wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine-gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying man, “Dave! Dave! What on earth happened?”
And with his dying breath Dave calls back, “Run! It’s not a bacon tree after all. It’s a ham bush.”
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?
Limp biskit.
What’s the fastest cake in the world?
Meriiiiiiinnnnnnnngue.
Fork: Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?
Spoon: That was no ladle. That was my knife.
A man walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
“How about a double instead?” asked the bartender.
“No. I’m drinking with my friend from Denver.”
So the bartender gave him the two drinks and he downed them by alternately sipping from each glass.
Twice a week for the next three months the man came into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver until one day he came in and ordered only one drink.
“Did your friend from Denver die?” asked the bartender.
“No,” said the man. “My doctor told me to stop drinking.”
A man walked past his refrigerator and heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song. When he opened the fridge door, it was just chives talking.
A man walks into a posh bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”
What kind of diet involves eating metal paper fastenings?
A staple diet.
What happens when a clock is hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, “Nice tie.” He looks around but doesn’t see anybody near him. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, “Nice shirt.” This time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn’t see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, “Nice haircut.” He can’t stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice.
The bartender says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s just the complimentary nuts.”
What would happen if you ate yeast and shoe polish?
Every day you would rise and shine.
Wife: The two things I cook best are meat loaf and apple pie.
Husband: Which is this?
What happened when two peanuts walked down a spooky road at night?
One was assaulted.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Do you want to play a game? See those two ribeyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I’ll give you a free drink.”
The man says, “No thanks, the steaks are too high.”
A patient sneaks out of the hospital and goes to a nearby bar. He orders a beer and a whiskey, knocks them back and orders the same again. As he drains the last drops, he says to the barman, “I shouldn’t be drinking with what I’ve got.”
“What have you got?” the barman asks, looking worried in case the man was about to drop dead.
“About fifty cents,” says the patient.
Which Elvis Presley song is a tribute to cake?
In the Gateau.
Which Village People song is about meat stock?
In the Gravy.
There were once two bakeries in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.
One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city – it was a bread-slicing machine that could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.
Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. Nobody went to the other baker’s shop any more, and it was forced out of business.
After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker
went to visit the first, to ask for a job.
“How did you do it?” he asked. “How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden.”
“I’m not sure,” said the first baker, “but I think it’s got something to do with this four-loaf cleaver.”
Why did the jelly wobble?
Because it saw the milk shake.
What do you call two rows of cabbages?
A dual cabbageway.
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, William was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.
Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for two cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.
It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.
In fact, even to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the remarkable pie rates of Penn’s aunts.
What’s green and writes underwater?
A ballpoint gherkin.
What’s red, fruity and mean?
A raspberry with a grudge.
What’s red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
What’s yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
A famous food critic visited Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany. On the way home, he stopped off in London and had a great meal of fish and chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.
The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery and so the critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.
So the food critic quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked, “Are you the Fish Friar?”
The brother replied, “No, I’m the Chip Monk.”
