Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels.
Mother: Why aren’t you doing very well in history?
Son: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born.
What was King Arthur’s favourite game?
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlighting.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the Bible tells how Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Teacher: What came after the Bronze Age and the Stone Age?
Pupil: The sausage.
First boy: I wish I had been born a thousand years ago.
Second boy: Why is that?
First boy: Just think of all the history that I wouldn’t have to learn.
What did 1286BC inscribed on the mummy’s tomb mean?
The registration of the car that ran him over.
What has sharp claws, a shell and tried to conquer England in the 16th century?
The Spanish Armadillo.
Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one.
What were the Poles doing in Russia in 1940?
Holding up the telegraph lines.
Why are we sure that Indians were the first people in North America?
Because they had reservations.
A man asked an American Indian what his wife’s name was.
The Indian replied, “She called Five Horses.”
“That’s an unusual name,” said the man. “What does it mean?”
The Indian answered, “It old Indian name. It mean… Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag!”
Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?
On their feet.
Which US President had a weapon that zapped aliens?
Ronald Raygun.
Which US President was least guilty?
Lincoln. He is in a cent.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Who refereed the tennis match between Julius Caesar and Mark Antony?
A Roman umpire.
Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren’t listening the first time.
What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin.
What did the ruler gain a reputation for during his reign?
Straight talking.
Why did King Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him.
Who invented King Arthur’s round table?
Sir Cumference.
One day back in the 12th century, the king decided to go hunting. So he gathered up his entourage of servants and set off into the woods in search of deer. After searching for a while, he heard some rustling in the bushes nearby. He drew his longbow and aimed at the bush when suddenly a man came running out, yelling, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I’m not a deer!” The king shot him dead.
After a few minutes, one of the king’s servants finally mustered the courage to ask the king, “Sire, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn’t a deer.”
“Oh!” replied the king. “I thought he said he was a deer!”
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
He liked to chop and change.
Why did Henry VIII put skittles on his lawn?
So he could take Anne Boleyn.
Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII?
She was trying to get ahead.
Which English king was a leading foot doctor?
William the Corncurer.
When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When Moses received the two tablets.
Which emperor do you get if you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn’t want to wait forty years for a train.
First Roman Soldier: What is the time?
Second Roman Soldier: XX past VII.
Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So their soldiers didn’t go around the bend.
Julius Caesar walked into a bar and asked for a martinus.
The bartender, a little confused, said, “Don’t you mean a martini?”
Caesar replied, “If I’d wanted a double, I’d have asked for it.”
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace.
What English king invented the fireplace?
Alfred the Grate.
Which English king played a game with chestnuts?
William the Conkeror.
Which English king invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why did the Roman Coliseum have to close?
The lions had eaten up all the prophets.
Which pharaoh played the trumpet?
Tooting-khamun.
What was Camelot famous for?
Its knight life.
Who designed Noah’s ark?
An arkitect.
Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish?
Because he only had two worms.
One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem that had constantly plagued his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a headache to his staff, but to complicate matters Caesar had come up with a theory that if the togas could be made stiff enough, they could act as an additional layer of protection against an assassin’s dagger. He figured the best way to achieve this on a large scale was to throw a large quantity of detergent into a tidal pool and then toss in the togas. The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out, after which starch would be thrown in and then the stiff togas could be pulled out to dry.
He assigned the task of implementing this plan to his leading scientists. They followed his instructions, and all went well until they threw in the starch. Suddenly the goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over Caesar’s workers. A stiff breeze then dried them off so quickly that they were all frozen into place.
Later that day when Caesar visited the tidal pool with his advisors to see what progress was being made with the toga cleansing, he was alarmed to see his workers stuck rigidly to the spot. He was at a loss to explain what had gone wrong until one of his advisors whispered to him, “Beware the tides of starch.”
It is a little known fact that soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. There was a big match planned for one Saturday in the middle of March in the Coliseum, and three famous Romans arranged to meet there. When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favourite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.
At halftime, Brutus finally arrived. “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn’t get it fixed. How’s the game going?”
“It’s been a fantastic game so far,” Caesar replied.
“What’s the score, then?”
“Eight-two, Brutus.”
Which historical figure was an expert on the springboard?
Lady Good-diver.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson – he brought the house down.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.
How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?
Because she was maid in France.
Which act of the French Revolution was an attempt to obtain fruit sweets?
The Storming of the Pastille.
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
eacher: Why are you reading the last page of your history book first?
Pupil: To see how it ends.
Who was the biggest thief in history?
Atlas, he held up the whole world.
Chief Running Water had two sons. What were their names?
Hot and Cold.
Where was King Solomon’s temple?
On his forehead.
Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan.
What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrot?
How do you know if a snowman has been sleeping in your bed?
You wake up wet.
Boy: Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?
Mother: No, you can have turkey like everyone else.
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours.
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey.
What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth.
What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinselitis.
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Gravey.
Why is a turkey a fashionable bird?
Because he always appears well dressed for dinner.
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey?
The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China and the overthrow of Greece.
Why is a guitar like a turkey being made ready for the oven?
Because they are both plucked.
What are brown, covered in pastry and sneak around the kitchen at Christmas?
Mince spies.
Where do turkeys go when they die?
The oven.
What do elves learn at school?
The elfabet.
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon Hood.
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
What goes ho, ho, swoosh, ho, ho, swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door.
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa walking backwards.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why does Santa enjoy working in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues.
What do the reindeer sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles.
What Christmas carol is heard in the desert?
O Camel Ye Faithful.
What’s Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia.
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it.
What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking.
Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an elf farm.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes.
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers.
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball.
Where in a bookstore would you find books about Santa’s assistants?
The elf-help section.
What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
A Russian couple were walking down the street in St Petersburg one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.
They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
“Let’s not fight about it,” the man said. “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As the official approached, the man said: “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course,” he answered, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!”
To which the man quietly replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”
Three men died in a car accident on Christmas Eve, and they all found themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter heaven, where they are told they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searched his pocket, and found some mistletoe, so he was allowed in. The second man presented a cracker, so he, too, was allowed in. The third man pulled out a pair of ladies’ stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asked, “How do these represent Christmas?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?
Cross-mouse cards.
How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve.
How many chimneys does Father Christmas go down?
Stacks.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s not an offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
Why did the boy ask for a broken drum for Christmas?
Because as a present he couldn’t beat it.
A football team had just finished its daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting on to the field. While the players looked on in amusement and amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific! Sign up for the season and I’ll make sure you get a huge bonus!”
“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said. “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”
It’s the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man comes and begins pounding on the door.
“Please let me in,” the man says. “I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don’t go home with one.”
“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers there is just one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
“That one is too skinny,” the man says. “What else have you got?”
The butcher takes the bird back to the freezer, waits for a few minutes, and brings the same turkey out to the man.
“Oh no,” says the man. “That one doesn’t look any better. I’d better take both of them.”
Before going on vacation, a man phoned a seaside hotel to check on its exact location. The proprietor said, “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach.”
“How will I recognize it?” asked the man.
“Easy,” said the proprietor. “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”
Two fortune-tellers were relaxing by the seaside.
“It’s a lovely day,” said one.
“Yes it is,” agreed the other. “This sunny weather reminds me of the summer of 2016.”
A man arrived at his holiday guesthouse and met the landlady.
“Can you sing?” she asked.
“No,” he said.
“Well, you’d better learn quickly. There’s no lock on the bathroom door.”
A tourist was travelling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America when he came across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist was entranced by the temple and asked the guide for details. The guide stated that archaeologists were carrying out excavations and were still finding great treasures. The tourist then queried how old the temple was.
“This temple is 1,503 years old,” replied the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, the tourist asked how he was able to give this precise figure.
“Easy,” replied the guide. “The archaeologists said the temple was 1,500 years old and that was three years ago.”
Why did the horse cross the road?
To reach his neiggghhhbourhood.
What do you give a horse with a cold?
Cough stirrup.
What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?
Nothing, he was a little horse.
What does it mean if you find a horseshoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
Where did the newlywed horses stay?
In the bridle suite.
Where do you take sick ponies?
To the horsepital.
How do you spell hungry horse using only four letters?
MTGG.
When does a horse neigh?
Whinny wants to.
What happens when a pony gets sunburned?
You get a little horsereddish.
What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?
A hobby horse.
What is the slowest horse in the world?
A clothes horse.
A miserly horseman went into a saddler’s shop and asked for one spur.
“One spur?” said the saddler. “Surely you mean a pair of spurs?”
“No, just one,” replied the horseman. “I figure that if I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!”
What do you call a horse that eats Indian food?
An onion bha-gee-gee.
Why didn’t the horses’ parliament ever pass any legislation?
Because whatever was proposed, they always voted “neig
Why didn’t the horse draw a cart?
Because he couldn’t hold the pencil.
What did one horse say to the other?
Any friend of yours is a palomino.
What do hippie horses eat?
Hay, man.
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long face?”
A stallion and a mare were due to get married, but the stallion didn’t turn up at the church. He got colt feet.
How does a horse ride a bicycle?
With stable-izers.
What do you call a horse that plays the violin?
Fiddler on the hoof.
Some race horses were staying in a stable. One of them started to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”
Another horse broke in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” said another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they noticed that a greyhound had been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” said the greyhound, “But in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses were clearly amazed. “Wow!” said one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”
What did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit?
An exhorsist.
What do you call a horse that is more bashful than the others?
A shire horse.
Why is a horse with a sore throat twice as sick as any other animal?
Because he is then a hoarse horse.
The thunder god went for a ride on his favourite horse.
“I’m Thor!” he cried.
The horse replied: “You forgot the thaddle, thilly.”
