A hyena and a gorilla are talking. The hyena says, “I’m fed up.”
“Why’s that?” asks the gorilla.
The hyena explains, “Every morning I go for a walk and this lion keeps jumping out of the undergrowth and beating me up.”
“That’s not very friendly,” says the gorilla. “If I ever see that happen, I’ll come and help you.”
“Thank you,” says the hyena.
The next morning, the hyena goes for his usual walk and, sure enough, the lion jumps out, beats him up and runs off. As the hyena lies writhing in agony on the ground, he looks up and sees the gorilla relaxing on the branch of a tree. “Hey,” says the hyena, “you said that if you saw the lion beating me up, you’d come and help me.”
“I did,” says the gorilla, “but you were laughing so much I thought you were winning.”
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a hyena?
A creature that laughs at every yolk.
What do you get if you cross a hyena and a Rottweiler?
I don’t know, but join in if it laughs.
Did you hear about the idiot that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.
Why did the idiot scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How did the idiot die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on him.
A boy walking down the street saw an old idiot sitting on the kerb holding a large sack.
“What’s in the sack?” asked the boy.
“I got some pigs in that sack,” said the old idiot.
The boy said, “If I can guess how many pigs there are in that sack, can I keep one?”
The old idiot replied, “Boy, if you can guess how many pigs there are in this sack, I’ll give you both of ’em!”
Why did the idiot ask his friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
He needed them for the darkroom he was building.
An idiot said to his brother, “My friend is nuts. He thinks he’s Bugs Bunny, but I’m positive he isn’t.”
“How do you know?” asked the brother.
The idiot said, “Because I am.”
First idiot: Can you telephone from the space shuttle?
Second idiot: Of course I can! The phone’s the one with the long cord!
What did the idiot call his pet zebra?
Spot.
Billy and John Boy were fishing in a rowing boat on a lake. Suddenly the spray from a passing speedboat flooded their vessel.
“What shall we do?” asked Billy, panicking.
“Easy,” said John Boy. “We just drill a hole in the bottom of the boat to allow the water to drain out.”
“Genius!” said Billy.
So the two drilled a hole in the bottom of their boat, but water immediately started rushing in.
“Wait a minute!” exclaimed John Boy. “We need another hole so the water coming in through the first one has a place to go back into the lake!”
Even though it was the middle of summer, an idiot was wearing layers of thick clothes to paint the outside of his house. Seeing the sweat pouring off him, a neighbour asked, “Why are you wearing two jackets in such hot weather to paint your house?”
The idiot replied, “Because the directions on the tin said, ‘Put on two coats.’”
Fred’s apparent inability to arrive for work on time resulted in him being called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his lack of punctuality.
He said, “I get up in the morning. I shower, I look in the mirror and try to straighten my hair. Then I sometimes miss the taxi and then I am late.”
His boss had a bright idea. He got one of Fred’s colleagues to sneak into his bathroom and steal the mirror off the wall, without his knowledge. However, there was no improvement – in fact things got worse. Fred failed to show up at work for the next three days and was summoned to another disciplinary hearing.
Asked why he had been absent from work, Fred explained, “I get up in the morning. I shower, I look in the mirror. I see no Fred so I think Fred must have already left for work.”
How do you confuse the village idiot?
Put him in a round room and tell him to go and stand in the corner.
A motorist stopped his car and asked an idiot the quickest way to Halifax, Nova Scotia.
The idiot said, “Are you on foot or in a car?”
“In a car,” replied the motorist.
“That’s the quickest way,” said the idiot.
How did the idiot burn his face?
Bobbing for French fries.
Two idiots were travelling on a cruise ship. One said, “It’s awfully quiet on deck tonight – there’s nobody around.”
His friend said, “That’s because everyone will be watching the band tonight.”
“There isn’t a band playing tonight,” said the first.
The second idiot said, “Well, I definitely heard someone say, ‘a band on ship’.”
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend?
Dumb Beau.
Three guys are stranded on a desert island. One day, they find a magic lantern containing a genie. The genie grants them each one wish.
The first guy says he wishes he was off the island and back home. The genie grants his wish and poof, he is back home.
The second guy wishes the same thing. The genie grants his wish and poof, he is gone too.
The third guy says, “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
After a visit to the circus, two idiots were discussing the various acts that they had seen.
“I didn’t think much of the knife thrower,” said one.
“Me neither,” said his friend.
“He threw all those knives at that girl and he didn’t hit her once!”
Two idiot friends were sent to prison. Desperate to keep in contact, they devised a secret code and tapped messages to each other by banging on the hot water pipes with a spoon.
The system worked perfectly for a while but sadly it broke down after they were transferred to separate cells.
Did you hear about the idiot family who froze to death outside a movie theatre?
They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For Winter.
A motorist driving along a country lane came to a ford, so he stopped and asked an idiot sitting by the side of the road how deep the water was.
“A couple of inches,” replied the idiot.
So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a mass of bubbles.
“That’s odd,” thought the idiot. “The water only goes halfway up on them ducks.”
Why can’t you tell knock knock jokes to idiots?
Because they leave to answer the door.
Two idiots were on the roof of a house laying tiles when a sudden gust of wind blew their ladder away.
“How are we gonna get down now?” asked one.
“I got an idea,” said the other. “I’ll throw you down and then you can pick up the ladder.”
“Do you think I’m stupid? No, I got a better idea. I’ll shine my flashlight and you can climb down on the beam of light.”
“What? Do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway down!”
Four schoolboys were walking down the road when they came to a high brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, three of them gave the fourth a leg up so that he could peer over the top.
“It looks like one of them nudist camps,” he reported.
“Men or women?” asked the others.
“I can’t tell,” he said. “They ain’t got no clothes on.”
An idiot was pulled over by a policeman because he was zigzagging all over the road.
The police officer asked, “What are you doing? Do you realize how dangerous your driving is?”
The idiot replied, “I swerved because there was a tree in front of me and then there was another one on the other side. They just kept appearing!”
The policeman looked into the car and said, “That is your air freshener.”
First idiot: What are you doing?
Second idiot: I’m trying to call Washington!
First idiot: Oh, haven’t you heard? He’s dead!
Two builders were hammering nails in to the side of a house, but one kept throwing them away.
“Why do you keep throwing them nails away?” asked his fellow worker.
“Because they’ve got the point at the wrong end.”
“You fool! We could use those on the other side of the house!”
Did you hear about the idiot hitchhiker?
He left early to miss the traffic.
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other. “I’ll go and ask him.”
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?” he asked.
“Intelligence,” the boss said.
“What’s intelligence?” asked the digger.
The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’s hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked, “What did he say?”
“He said we are down here because of intelligence.”
“What’s intelligence?” his friend asked.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
Why did the idiot only water half his lawn?
Because he had heard there was a fifty per cent chance of rain.
Why did the idiot give up internet shopping?
Because his shopping cart kept falling off the computer.
Fred’s phone rang in the middle of the night.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello,” said a voice. “Is this Tommy?”
“No,” said Fred. “You must have the wrong number.”
“Oh, sorry,” said the caller. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said Fred. “I had to get up anyway, to answer the phone!”
A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said: “It’s worse than I thought. It’s broken on both sides.”
Two idiots met in the street. “Hey!” said one. “How come I don’t hear from you no more? Why don’t you ever call me?”
“Because,” said the other, “you ain’t got a phone.”
“I know,” said the first, “but you have!”
Did you hear about the idiot who couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang?
Eventually it came back to him.
A man wants to cut down some trees in his back yard, so he goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and
aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model? This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”
So the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.
“How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day.”
So the next day the man gets up at four in the morning and cuts and cuts and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. He says to himself, “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer.”
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?”
What did the idiot builder say when he heard his workmates were striking for shorter hours?
Good for them! I always did think sixty minutes was too long for an hour.
An idiot barged to the front of the line in a bank.
The teller told him abruptly, “You can’t just push in, in front of all these other people who have been waiting patiently. Go to the end of the line, please.”
The idiot did as he was told but a few moments later he returned to the teller’s window.
“What are you doing back here?” barked the teller. “I thought I told you to go to the end of the line.”
“I did,” said the idiot. “But someone was already there!”
An idiot went into a watchmaker’s shop and said, “I’d like to buy a potato clock, please.”
“A potato clock?” queried the watchmaker. “I’m sorry, sir, but I’ve been in this business for over thirty years and I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“Well I definitely want a potato clock,” confirmed the idiot.
“I don’t think I can help you,” said the watchmaker. “Where did you hear about it?”
The idiot replied, “I start a new job tomorrow at nine and so my wife said I had to get a potato clock.”
Did you hear about the idiot mother who got fed up with putting name tags on her son’s shirts?
She legally changed his name to “Machine Washable”.
An idiot was driving through California’s apple country when he came to an orchard offering apples for sale.
“How much are your apples?” he asked.
“All you can pick for a dollar,” replied the rancher.
“Okay,” said the idiot. “I’ll take two dollars’ worth.”
A train was going peacefully along the rail tracks until it suddenly derailed, took a brief detour into nearby fields and then came back on to the tracks. The passengers were horrified.
At the next railway station the driver was questioned by the police about the incident.
He explained that a man had been standing on the tracks and had not moved even after the train’s horn had been sounded several times.
“Are you crazy?” asked the police. “Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger! You should have run over that person!”
The driver replied, “Exactly, that is what I also decided. But this idiot started running toward the field when the train got close to him…”
Why did the idiot driving in the Indianapolis 500 finish last?
He kept stopping to ask for directions.
An idiot turned up for work one day wearing only one glove.
“Why have you only got one glove?” asked his boss.
“Well,” explained the idiot, “I was watching the weather forecast on TV last night, and it said that it was going to be sunny today but on the other hand it could be quite cold.”
An idiotic labourer was told by an equally stupid foreman to dig a hole in the roadside.
“What shall I do with the earth?” asked the labourer.
“Use your common sense!” snapped the foreman. “Just dig another hole and bury it.”
Two idiots found three hand grenades and decided that they should take them to the nearest police station.
“What if one of the grenades explodes before we get there?” asked one.
“Don’t worry,” said the other. “We’ll just lie and tell them we only found two.”
Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night.
A man was standing on his workmate’s shoulders trying to measure a flagpole. Seeing their predicament, a passer-by called out, “Why don’t you just take down the pole, lay it on the ground and measure it?”
“Leave it to the professionals, pal!” they shouted back. “Anyway we don’t want to measure the length, we want to measure the height.”
Did you hear about the stupid photographer who asked his friends to give him their burntout light bulbs?
He wanted to set up a dark room.
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting the armed services. He directed a new Air Force base to invite all eligible young men and women along to the grand opening.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 fighter, twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looked at him and said, “Pilot.”
The chief of staff excitedly turned to his aide and said, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”
The aide hustled the young man away. The chief of staff looked at the second young man and asked, “What skills do you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man said, “I chop wood!”
“Son,” the chief of staff replied, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force. What relevant skills do you have?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffed the chief of staff, “you are not listening to me! We don’t need wood choppers!”
“Well,” the young man said, “you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” said the chief of staff. “He’s a pilot!”
The young man rolled his eyes and said, “So what? I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
Did you hear about the idiot who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?
A man bumped into his idiotic friend in the street. “How did you enjoy the play last night at the high school?”
“I saw the first act,” replied the idiot, “but not the second.”
“Why didn’t you stay?”
“It said on the programme ‘Two years later’ and I couldn’t wait that long.”
Did you hear about the idiot who thought a fjord was a Norwegian car?
Two idiots bought a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each watermelon for a dollar, but after counting up their cash they realized they’d ended up with the same amount of money they’d started out with.
“See!” said one to the other. “I told you we should have got a bigger truck!”
Why did the transplant surgeon quit his job?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why did the tailor quit his job?
He found the work to be just so-so.
Why did the doctor quit his job?
Because he lost his patience.
Why did the skydiver quit his job?
Because he fell out with his boss.
Why did the origami teacher quit his job?
Too much paperwork.
Why did the gold prospector quit his job?
It didn’t pan out.
Why did the plumber quit his job?
The company was going down the drain.
Why did the man quit his job in the biscuit factory?
Because he went crackers.
Why did the man quit his job designing cul de sacs?
It was a dead-end job.
Why did the man quit his job at Starbucks?
He got sick of the daily grind.
Why did the man quit his job on the farm?
Problems kept cropping up.
Why did the milkmaid quit her job?
She lost her whey.
Why did the man quit his job at the clock company?
He had second thoughts.
Why did the number theorist quit his job?
He was past his prime.
Why did the poker player quit his job?
He was offered a better deal.
Why did the train driver quit his job?
He got sidetracked.
Why did the jockey quit his job?
Business fell off.
Why did the door designer quit his job?
He was looking for a new opening.
Why did the photographer quit his job?
The firm stopped developing.
Why did the skier quit his job?
Everything was going downhill.
Why did the steelmaker quit his job?
He lost his temper.
Why did the food taster quit his job?
He had too much on his plate.
Why did the man quit his job with the history book publisher?
There was no future in it.
Why did the man quit his job in an orange juice factory?
He couldn’t concentrate.
Why did the man quit his job selling computer parts?
He lost his drive.
Why did the man quit his job making tablecloths?
Why did the man quit his job as a map designer?
He didn’t know which way to turn.
What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?
Bob.
Why did the man quit his job at the swivel chair company?
It made his head spin.
Why did the man quit his job as a professional darts player?
He felt he was aiming too high.
Why did the man quit his job at the balloon factory?
He couldn’t keep up with inflation.
Why did the man quit his job as a bell ringer?
It lost its appeal.
Why did the man quit his job as a ploughman?
He was stuck in a rut.
Why did the man quit his job at the travel agency?
It was going nowhere.
Why did the man fire his masseuse?
She rubbed him up the wrong way.
What happened to the man who tried to start a hot-air balloon business?
He couldn’t get it off the ground.
Did you hear about the bumper car operator who got fired?
He sued his employer for funfair dismissal.
Whose career lies in ruins?
An archaeologist.
How did the hot-dog vendor tackle his new job?
With relish.
How’s your job at the clock company?
Only time will tell.
How’s your job at the sewing shop?
I’m hanging on by a thread.
How’s your job at the crystal ball company?
How’s your job as a shoe cleaner?
I’ve really taken a shine to it.
How’s your job at the bakery?
I spend all day just loafing around.
How’s your job as a shipbuilder?
Riveting.
An electrician came home at four in the morning.
“Wire you insulate?” his wife scolded.
“Watts it to you?” he snapped. “I’m ohm, aren’t I?”
Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 17th level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss’s office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was the funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 9 were in tears. The engineers on level 22 were in hysterics
Even the human resources department on level 39 enjoyed it. In fact, workers on every level – level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 – could not stop laughing.
He walked out the door of his boss’s office, feeling proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss.
“John, come with me!” yelled the boss. John reluctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. “John,” he said, “your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You’re fired! Clear your desk and get out!”
But then his frown softened and he added, “Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels.”
