Why don’t cows have any money?
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad cow disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast. I heard it hit some cows down on the Jones Farm.”
The other cow replied, “I’m not worried, it doesn’t affect us ducks.”
What did the cow wear to the football game?
A jersey.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A milk dud.
What do you call a cow that’s just had a baby?
De-calfinated.
There were three cows – a black cow, a brown cow and a white cow – all grazing on one side of a twelve-lane superhighway. One day, they realized that they were out of grass and thought to themselves how wonderful it would be if only they could get to the other side of the superhighway where there was sure to be plenty of grass. So the black cow had an idea. She walked over to a telephone pole, climbed up it, walked along the line, which spanned the superhighway, climbed down the other side and started eating the grass.
The brown cow thought that if the black cow could do it, so could she. So she had an idea. She backed away from the highway, took a long run-up, soared into the air, vaulted over all twelve lanes, landed on the other side and started eating the grass.
Left all alone, the white cow thought if the black cow could do it and the brown cow could do it, then so could she. So she had an idea. She calmly walked out on to the superhighway and was immediately run over by a huge truck, dying instantly.
Witnessing this, the black cow turned to the brown cow and said, “Moooooooo.”
What does a caterpillar do on New Year’s Day?
He turns over a new leaf.
What pillar doesn’t need holding up?
A caterpillar.
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, “You’ll never get me up in one of those things.”
What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.
What do you call two spiders who just got married?
Newlywebs,
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with chilblains.
What do you call a guard with 100 legs?
A sentrypede.
What lies on the ground, a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What goes 99-clunk, 99-clunk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
What did the male centipede say to the female centipede?
Cor, what a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs…
What has fifty legs but can’t walk?
Half a centipede.
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper’s house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more cans.
The snail said, “I’d go, but I’m kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go.”
The grasshopper said, “I don’t mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we’ll get sprayed every time we open a can.”
So they decided to send the centipede, and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn’t returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the front door and found the centipede sitting there still putting on his shoes.
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
It ended in a tie.
What insect performs daring jumps on a motorbike?
Weevil Knievel.
What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies?
Baddy longlegs.
What do you call an Irish mayfly?
Paddy longlegs.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her.
What insects do cats rest their heads on at night?
Cat-er-pillows.
Boy: Dad, Dad, there’s a spider in the bath!
Father: What’s wrong with that? You’ve seen spiders before.
Boy: Yes, but this one is two feet wide and using all the hot water!
What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall.
How do you know if a spider is good with computers?
He has a website.
How did the creepy crawly know his mate was approaching?
He spider.
Two flies were on a cornflake packet. “Why are we running so fast?” asked one.
“Because,” said the other, “it says tear along the dotted line.”
What are the most faithful insects?
Ticks. Once they find friends, they stick to them.
What did one insect say to the other insect?
Stop bugging me.
What’s the difference between a wolf and a flea?
One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.
What is a flea’s favourite book?
The Itch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy.
Why was the mother flea unhappy?
She thought her children were all going to the dogs.
What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk or take the dog?
Where do fleas go to surf?
To the microwave.
What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea.
How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch.
What’s the difference between a dog with fleas and a bored visitor?
One is going to itch and the other is itching to go.
Two flies were buzzing around a room. The first fly said, “For a dare, let’s fly at speed through that screen door.”
The second fly reluctantly agreed, and the pair flew as fast as they could straight for the door, only to become stuck fast in the screen.
Winded and wounded, the second fly turned to the first fly and said, “This is another fine mesh you’ve got me into.”
Why was the insect thrown out of the forest?
Because he was a litter bug.
What happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love in the winter?
They got married in the spring.
Two cockroaches were munching garbage in a dirty alleyway when one of them started talking about a restaurant that had just opened across the street.
“It’s so clean,” he said. “The kitchen is spotless and all the floors are gleaming white. There’s no dirt or grime anywhere.”
“Please,” said the other cockroach, frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”
What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off?
I’ll get you next slime.
What was the snail doing on the highway?
About a mile a week.
What is the definition of a slug?
A snail with a housing problem.
What is the definition of a snail?
A slug in a crash helmet.
What happens when a snail loses its shell?
It looks sluggish.
What is a slug’s favourite drink?
Slime cordial.
A sloth is out for a walk when he is mugged by four snails. After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report.
“Can you describe the snails?” asks the officer.
The sloth replies, “Not really, it all happened so fast.”
What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Just leave them to slug it out.
Two slugs were slithering along the road when they saw two snails up ahead.
“Oh, no!” said one slug to the other. “Caravans!”
How do snails get their shells so shiny?
They use snail varnish.
Why is the snail the strongest animal?
Because he carries his house on his back.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the ends of giants’ fingers.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We’ve got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper replies, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
What kind of wig can hear?
An earwig.
A snail starts slowly climbing an apple tree. He is watched all the way by a blackbird who can’t help laughing at the snail. Eventually, the blackbird says, “Don’t you realize there aren’t any apples on that tree yet?”
“I know,” said the snail, “but there will be by the time I get up there.”
Which insect is good at making films?
Steven Spielbug.
What has antlers and sucks blood?
A moose-quito.
What has six legs, sucks blood and talks in code?
A morse-quito.
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Try doing up the zipper on a mosquito.
What do insects learn at school?
What is the biggest insect in the world?
A mammoth.
Why was the glow worm unhappy?
Because her children weren’t very bright.
What lives underground and is a keen reader?
A bookworm.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What happened to the fly that flew through a sieve?
It strained itself.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag?
They can lighten the load.
What did the maggot say to his friend who got stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one.
Why didn’t the two worms go on to Noah’s Ark in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs.
What is a glow worm’s favourite song?
Wake Me Up Before You Glow-Glow.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail and he’ll be delighted.
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decides to get a fast car to make up the difference. After shopping around for a while, he reckons that the Nissan 350Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 350Z, but he wants it repainted 350S.
The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”
The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”
Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spends the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say, “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”
What is the best way to get rid of a demon?
Exorcise a lot.
What’s a devil’s picket line called?
A demonstration.
What is the demons’ favourite TV sitcom?
Fiends.
Why do demons and ghouls get on so well?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best fiend.
What do you call a demon who slurps his food?
A goblin.
What do foreign devils speak?
Devil Dutch.
What did the little goblin do when he bought a house?
He called it Gnome Sweet Gnome.
Why was the demon so good at cooking?
He was a kitchen devil.
What do demons have for breakfast?
Devilled eggs.
What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time.
What do you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night?
Bronto-snore-us.
Why did the pterodactyl catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
Because it has a silent P.
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.
What do you call a dog belonging to a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.
What do you call it when two dinosaurs collide?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a plated dinosaur when he’s asleep?
Stegosnorus.
What does a triceratops sit on?
Its tricerabottom.
How did dinosaurs pass exams?
With extinction.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?
A Tyrannosaurus hex.
Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor, I’m so ugly. What can I do?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.
Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil until I get there.
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve swallowed a whistle.
Here, take this prescription and I don’t want to hear another peep out of you.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bell.
Take these and if it doesn’t help give me a ring.
Doctor, Doctor, what can I do to stop my sleepwalking?
Sprinkle tin tacks on your bedroom floor.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m suffering from déjà vu.
Didn’t I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got wind. Can you give me something?
Yes – here’s a kite.
Doctor, Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Stick your foot out and trip it up.
Doctor, Doctor, I tend to flush a lot.
Don’t worry, it’s just a chain reaction.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a bin.
Don’t talk rubbish.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off, I’m busy.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a spoon.
Sit there and don’t stir.
Doctor, Doctor, my eye hurts every time I drink coffee.
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I’ll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor, will this cream clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every four laps.
Doctor, Doctor, can I have a second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow.
Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me out.
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor, my right ear always seems warmer than my left one.
I think you need to adjust your toupée.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m God.
Well first I created the sun, then the earth…
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.
Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a butterfly
Say what you mean and stop flitting about.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m an adder.
Great, you can help me with my accounts.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m boiling up.
Just simmer down.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep painting myself gold.
Don’t worry, it’s just a gilt complex.
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in two places.
Well don’t go back there again.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Stop stringing me along.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy.
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve just swallowed a roll of film.
Well let’s see what develops.
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You’re just too tents.
Doctor, Doctor, whenever I harvest our cornfields I get a really bad headache.
It’s migraine.
No, it’s not. It’s mine!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar.
Don’t worry, you’ll soon change.
Doctor, Doctor, you’ve taken out my tonsils, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well.
That’s quite enough out of you.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect flying around in circles.
Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going round.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a slice of bread.
You’ve got to stop loafing around.
Doctor, Doctor, I’m having trouble with my breathing.
I’ll give you something that will soon put a stop to that.
Doctor, Doctor, I can’t get to sleep.
Lie on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor, you’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking.
Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge.
What’s come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got compulsive Morse code syndrome.
Let me examine you. You can’t – I’ve got to dash.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m an electric eel.
That’s shocking.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
