What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey.
Which Spanish farm animal fought windmills?
Donkey Oatey.
How do you confuse a stupid farmer?
Put three shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick.
What did the farmer say to the barren nanny goat?
You must be kidding.
A farmer walked into a bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans.
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the cashier. “The loan arranger is out to lunch.”
“Can I speak to Tonto then?” asked the farmer.
A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages and sent an agent to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied the rancher, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for eighteen months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about eighteen hours every day and does about ninety per cent of all the work around here. He makes about ten dollars per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to… the half-wit,” says the agent, concerned about how one staff member could be treated so unfairly.
The rancher replied, “That would be me.”
Why did the farmer plough his field with a steam roller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
A farmer was pulling a cartload of horse manure down the lane.
“What are you going to do with that?” asked his dim-witted farmhand.
“I’m going to put it on my strawberries,” said the farmer.
“That’s odd,” said the farmhand. “We put cream and sugar on ours.”
How did the farmer mend his pants?
With cabbage patches.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where’s my tractor?
A farmer and a mathematician were on a train journey. As they passed a flock of sheep in a field, the mathematician declared confidently, “There are 428 sheep in that field.”
“That’s incredible!” said the farmer. “It so happens I know the owner and that figure is exactly right. Tell me, how did you count them so quickly?”
“It was easy,” said the mathematician. “I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”
Why are farmers cruel?
Because they pull corn by the ears.
A farmer kept a donkey in a stable, but the donkey’s ears were so long that they repeatedly hit the top of the door, causing the animal to kick out dangerously. So the farmer decided to raise the height of the doorframe.
He spent all day toiling away with his hacksaw. Seeing that he was struggling to complete the task, his neighbour suggested, “Instead of lifting the doorframe, wouldn’t it be easier if you simply dug out the ground in the doorway and made it deeper?”
“Don’t be stupid,” said the farmer. “It’s the donkey’s ears that are too long, not his legs!”
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
A farmer says, “I can’t decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm.”
His friend says, “Well, wouldn’t you look silly riding a cow?”
“True,” says the farmer, “but I’d look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle!”
Why did the farmer bury money in his fields?
Because he wanted the soil to be rich.
Why did the farmer hang a raincoat over his orchard?
Someone had told him he should get an apple mac.
Out in open farming country, there lived a farmer who had a hobby. He collected tractors. He had big ones and small ones, red ones and green ones, and everything in between. And of course, all this machinery took a lot of space, so he had a number of specially constructed buildings.
But slowly, over the years, he got bored with his collection, until one day he decided to get rid of the whole lot, and he set fire to them.
A neighbouring farmer visited him, and found him standing at the entrance to one of the barns, sucking the smoke out of the building to keep the fire burning.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“Well,” the farmer replied, “I used to love these machines, but now I’ve become an ex-tractor fan.”
A farmer was ploughing his field when his willing but stupid teenaged son asked if he could help.
“Dad, I’d like to do some ploughing,” said the boy.
“I’m not sure, son,” replied the farmer. “Ploughing a field requires a steady hand.”
“Please! I really want to help.”
So the farmer reluctantly agreed and handed the boy the necessary tools but when he came to check the work an hour later, he saw that the ploughed line was crooked.
“Your line is all over the place!” said the farmer.
“But I was watching the plough to make sure that I kept straight,” said the boy.
“That’s the problem, son. Don’t look at the plough. Instead you have to watch where you’re going. The trick is to focus on an object at the far end of the field and head straight for it. That way you’ll cut a perfect straight line every time.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll try that.”
While the farmer busied himself with other jobs, the boy set to work once more. An hour later the farmer returned and saw to his horror that the boy had cut the worst row he had ever seen. It went all over the field in loops and circles.
“What the hell happened?” he yelled. “I’ve never seen a worse looking field in my life. There’s not one straight line!”
“But I followed your advice,” said the son. “I fixed my sights on that dog playing at the far end of the field.”
Where do fish go to borrow money?
The loan shark.
How could the shrimp afford to buy a house?
He prawned all his possessions.
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Why did the fish cross the river?
To get to its school.
Why did the fish cross the sea?
To get to the other tide.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
How do you make a goldfish age?
Take out the g.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
He got lockjaw.
What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?
Glass flippers.
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike.
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What has eight guns and terrorizes the ocean?
Billy the Squid.
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper?
A slippery customer.
Why are fish so clever?
They live in schools.
Where do fish keep their money?
In a river bank.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What lives in the ocean, is grumpy and won’t speak to its neighbours?
A hermit crab.
Why can’t Batman go fishing?
Because Robin eats all the worms.
What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed-up squid.
What does a squid sheriff form?
An octoposse.
What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna.
Why did the fish miss the call?
Because he was stuck on the other line.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Why didn’t the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish.
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
Squidnappers.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have scales.
When fish play soccer, who is the captain?
The team’s kipper.
What fish do road menders use?
Pneumatic krill.
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
Your plaice or mine?
What does an octopus wear on a cold day?
What happened to the man who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Why did the crab get arrested?
Because he was always pinching things.
There was a sea scout camp near a beach where the dolphins were so friendly they swam into shore at dinner time. The chef used to announce dinner by yelling: “Dinner! For all in tents… and porpoises.”
What lies at the bottom of the sea and quivers?
A nervous wreck.
What do you call a whale that can’t keep a secret?
A blubber mouth.
A kipper said to his friend, “Smoking is bad for you.”
His friend replied, “It’s okay, I’ve been cured.”
What fish swims only at night?
A starfish.
In the window of a seafood restaurant, a man spotted a sign which read: “Lobster Tails $3 each.”
Sensing a bargain, he went inside and asked the waitress why they were so cheap. “They must be very short tails for that price,” he suggested.
“No,” the waitress insisted. “They’re normal length.”
“Then must be pretty old,” said the man.
“No, they’re fresh today.”
“The man was not convinced. “There must be something wrong with them.”
“No, they’re just regular lobster tails.”
“Very well,” said the man. “For three dollars I’ll have one lobster tail.”
So the waitress took the man’s money, sat him down and said, “Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster …”
What did the male octopus say to the female octopus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
A skate.
What kind of fish plays a musical instrument?
The double bass.
Why was the shellfish sweating?
Because it was clammy.
Why are sardines the most stupid fish in the sea?
Because they climb into cans, close the lid and leave the key outside.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale weigh station.
What kind of money do fishermen make?
Net profits.
How do dolphins reach a decision?
Flipper coin.
How do we know the trout was upset?
Because the fisherman said it was gutted.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a salmon?
Monkfish.
A man went into a fishmonger’s carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fishcakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Good,” said the man. “It’s his birthday!”
Because they dropped out of school.
Why do cod swim erratically?
Because cod moves in mysterious ways.
What was the Tsar of Russia’s favourite fish?
Tsardines.
What fish eats its victims two by two?
Noah’s shark.
A fish walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What would you like?”
Holding its neck, the fish gasps, “Water.”
What happened to the cold jellyfish?
It set.
What do you call someone who sticks his right hand into a shark’s mouth?
Lefty.
A boy wanted a new pet and found an ideal one at a local pet shop. It was a brightly coloured fish called a parrot fish. The shop owner told the boy that he would be able to teach the fish to sing like a bird.
After a few weeks, one of his friends came to visit and to see the new pet. The boy said, “I’m a bit disappointed with it, to be honest.”
“I can’t believe you bought a fish because you thought you would be able to teach it to sing.”
“Well, it is called a parrot fish.”
His friend said, “You might be able to teach a parrot to sing, but you’ll never get anywhere with a parrot fish.”
The boy replied, “But he does sing! He sings all through the night. The problem is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me mad. Do you know how hard it is to tune a fish?”
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What kind of fish goes well with ice cream?
Jellyfish.
What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.
Why did the trout cross the road?
Just for the halibut.
How do fish set up in business?
They start on a small scale.
Where would you find a downand-out octopus?
On squid row.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
One day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
As Justin had his mind firmly focused on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted,” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn’t believe his luck. He begged the cod to change him back into a prawn, and after a little hesitation the cod agreed and reversed the transformation. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asked.
The other fish said, “He’s at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark.” Eager to put things right again and sort out his friendship, he set off to Christian’s house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked.”
Justin cried back, “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed. I’ve found cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Why are fish never good tennis players?
They don’t like getting close to the net.
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
Because they have electric ’eels.
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
In just three hours they can train a human to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
Some species of fish on the coral reef have adapted to be able to survive the poisonous sting from sea anemones, which gives them a safe place to hide from predators.
One fish decided to be different. One day he swam away from his protective anemone, in search of some other hiding place. At first, he swam into a small gap in the rock, but he very quickly swam out of there when he was chased by an eel. Then he decided he could hide inside a shell, so he found a nice big one that he liked, but had to retreat from the crab that had got there before him.
Finally, exhausted, he swam into the coral beds, and hid among the brilliant coloured fern-like fronds of the corals.
The next day, when he hadn’t come back to the anemone, some of the other fish decided to go out and look for him. They hunted everywhere for him, but they couldn’t find him. Eventually, just as they had given up, they heard him calling to them. They looked around, but they couldn’t see him anywhere, he was perfectly hidden by the coral.
Finally, he showed himself, and they tried to persuade him to come back home, but he refused as the coral was too good a hiding place to leave.
“After all,” he said, “with fronds like these, who needs anemones?”
What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?
She went out with the tide.
What sea creature can add up?
An octoplus.
A man went into a pet store and said, “I’d like to buy a goldfish.”
The store owner asked, “Do you want an aquarium?”
The man said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted ads.
Teacher: Johnny, put some more water in the fish tank, please.
Boy: Why, Miss? I only put some in yesterday and he hasn’t drunk that yet!
Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail.
What do you call a fish that can’t swim?
Dead.
How do fish get to school?
By octobus.
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walked back to the baby tomato, stomped on her, squashing her into a red paste, and said, “Ketchup!”
What is black, white, black, white and green?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
What is black, white, green and bumpy?
A pickle wearing a tuxedo.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread?
Because he tried to get fresh.
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?
I’m not telling you. You might spread it.
Why do the French like to eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Which fruit launched a thousand ships?
Melon of Troy.
Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea?
To go with the jellyfish.
What is a porcupine’s favourite food?
Prikled onions.
What happened to the American Indian who drank forty cups of tea?
He was found dead the next morning in his tea-pee.
What do you call candy that was stolen?
What kind of nuts always seem to have a cold?
Cashews.
What is green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass?
A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
A man went into a bar.
“Good evening, sir,” said the bartender. “What would you like to drink?”
“A large whiskey, thank you,” said the man.
“That will be three dollars,” said the bartender.
“No,” said the man. “I distinctly remember you invited me to have a drink. I thought it was very kind of you.”
The bartender turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and asked for his support. The solicitor said that he was very sorry, but the bartender had definitely made an offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay. The bartender was furious and turned the man out, telling him never to come back again. But about ten minutes later the man reappeared.
“I thought I told you never to come back,” the bartender said.
“I’ve never been here before in my life,” said the man.
“Then you must have a double,”
said the bartender.
The man replied, “Thank you very much, I will, and I’m sure my solicitor friend would like one too.”
Why don’t you starve in a desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
Why was the refrigerator afraid?
Because the milk went bad and turned rotten.
What did the potato say after reading the works of Descartes?
I think therefore I yam.
How do you make a walnut laugh?
Crack it up.
In which school do you learn to make ice cream?
Sunday School.
Did you hear about the boy who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
A strong currant pulled him under.
Why did the pie cross the road?
It was meat ‘n’ potato.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon aid.
Where is the best place to weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie.
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a soda. After finishing the drink the neutron asks the waiter, “How much?”
The waiter replies, “For you, no charge.”
Two atoms were sitting in a restaurant.
When they left, the first said, “Wait, I have to go back! I left an electron behind!”
“Are you sure?” asked the other.
“Yes,” said the first atom. “I’m positive!”
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?
An astronut.
What kind of room has no windows or door?
A mushroom.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry?
Cookies.
What did one kitchen knife say to the other?
Look sharp, the chef is coming.
Are hamburgers male?
Yes, because they’re boygers, not girlgers!
Can you name two burgers who are royalty?
Sir Loin and Burger King!
A boy arrived home from school and immediately asked his mother, “Did you get the box of animal crackers?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I managed to find the last box in the supermarket.”
“Great!” he exclaimed. He then read the wording on the box and tipped the entire contents out over the dining-room table.
“Why have you done that?” his mother asked. “Because the box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken. So I’m looking for the seal.”
What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
Close the door, I’m dressing.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crummy.
Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was a-head!
A man bought a hot dog from a vendor. “Can I have more onions?” he asked.
“No,” replied the vendor. “That’s shallot.”
First man: I know a café where we can eat dirt cheap.
Second man: But who wants to eat dirt?
What is the fastest cake?
Scone!
What does Batman’s mother call when she wants him to come in for dinner?
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman!
Do hamburgers make good vampires?
No, because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!
Do they really serve burgers in Transylvania?
Very rarely.
How are UFO’s related to hamburgers?
Both are Unidentified Frying Objects.
How did the jury find the hamburger?
Grill-ty as charred.
What happened when the lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant?
The manager decided to dim sum.
How did the man come to be found dead in a tub of cornflakes?
He was the victim of a cereal killer.
What are two things you can’t have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
What’s the kindest vegetable?
A sweet potato.
What did the toast say to the bread?
Pop up and see me sometime.
How do gossipy hamburgers spend their time?
They chew the fat.
What’s eaten with chips and goes dot-dot-dash?
Morse cod.
Why is it not expensive to feed a giraffe?
A little goes a long way.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi’ jammin’.
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like jammin’ too.
First actor: I was once in a play called Breakfast in Bed.
Second actor: Did you have a big role?
First actor: No, just toast and marmalade.
What do you call fake pasta?
Mockaroni.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were having a meal in a Chinese restaurant. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan dished a large portion of noodles into his bowl and then topped it off with chicken and cashew nuts. All this was performed with the consummate ease that you would expect from a Jedi Master.
However, poor Luke was really struggling with the chopsticks, dropping his food all over the table. Eventually, Obi-Wan looked at him sternly and said, “Use the forks, Luke.”
How do we know burgers love young people?
They’re pro-teen!
How do we know hamburgers have high IQs?
They loin fast!
How do we know that hamburgers love classical music?
They’re often found at the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall.
How do you make a cheeseburger sad?
Make it with blue cheese.
How do you make a hamburger green?
Find a yellow cheeseburger and mix it with a blue one.
A woman phoned a repairman to report that she had a leak in the roof above her dining room.
“When did you first notice the leak?” asked the repairman.
“Last night,” she said, “when it took me two hours to finish my soup.”
A young boy and his family lived in the country and as a result seldom had guests. Then one evening his father invited two work colleagues home for dinner.
The boy was keen to help his mother and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to one of the guests.
Then he came in with a second piece of apple pie and handed it to his father, who, in turn, passed it to the other guest. Seeing this, the boy said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size!”
Why did the baker steal money from the bank?
Because he wanted more dough.
Why do grapes like sunbathing?
It’s their raison d’etre.
How does a burger acquire good taste?
With a little seasoning.
How many burgers do you feed a ferocious, fourteen-foot-tall vampire?
As many as it wants.
How was the burger murdered?
It was smothered in mayonnaise.
What’s green, red and yellow and wears boxing gloves?
Fruit punch.
What’s an aperitif?
A set of dentures.
Which vegetables compete in the Olympics?
Runner beans.
Wife: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?
Husband: No thanks. I’ll just use the hammer as usual.
There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign that said: “The Best Restaurant in the City”.
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign that said: “The Best Restaurant in the World”.
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign that said: “The Best Restaurant on this Block”.
Is there a way to make a hamburger do the Hula?
Sure, order a burger and shake.
What can you say about the six-foot chunk of meat who went into boxing?
The burger they are, the harder they fall!
What did the hamburger say when it pleaded not guilty?
I’ve been flamed!
What did they say about the burger who went skiing for the first time?
How the meaty have fallen!
What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins?
They think they are in a pickle.
What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning?
Well, it’s back to the old grind!
What do meatballs say about mystery stories?
The pot thickens!
Why did the hamburger have to take the first job offered to him?
Because burgers can’t be choosers.
What happened to the pilot who flew into a 4,000-pound mountain of meat?
He got grounded!
What is a hamburger’s favourite story?
Hansel and Gristle.
What is the hamburger’s motto?
If at first you don’t succeed, fry, fry, fry again.
What kind of company is a twenty-four-hour hamburger joint?
Fry-by-night.
What kind of girl does a hamburger like?
Any girl named Patty!
What song do burgers sing on the job?
Gristle While You Work!
What food is popular in Transylvania?
Fang-furters.
When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency?
When the chips are down.
When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV?
During prime time.
When does a hamburger look happiest?
When somebody says “well done”.
Where can a burger get a great night’s sleep?
Where does a burger feel at home?
On the range!
Which burger has four legs, whiskers and a tail?
A cat burger.
Which burger is famous for a long nose?
Cyrano de Burgerac.
Which burgers can tell your fortune?
Medium burgers.
Which dances do the burgers do best?
The burger-loo and the char char.
Which opera is about our meaty friends?
The Barbecue of Seville.
Which type of comedy leaves a hamburger cold?
Biting humour.
Who are the hamburgers’ favourite people?
Vegetarians.
Who can beat any burger at golf?
Any links sausage.
Who is the hamburgers’ favourite actress?
Candice Berger.
Why aren’t burgers very good at basketball?
Too many turnovers.
Why can any hamburger run the mile in under four minutes?
Because it’s a fast food!
An overweight lady goes to a health expert and says, “Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.”
The health expert says, “Okay. You must move your head to the right and then the left at a particular time.”
The fat lady asks, “At which particular time?”
The health expert replies, “Whenever anybody asks you to eat.”
Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King?
He saw all that ketchup and wanted a transfusion.
Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?
They get to meet their old flames!
What do you call a fast-food snack served at a church fair?
A hymnburger.
Why do hamburgers make good baseball players?
They’re great at the plate.
Why do hamburgers make good secret agents?
They won’t talk no matter how you grill them.
Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play?
Because hot dogs are the wurst.
