What is a frog’s favourite flower?
Croak-us.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What is a frog’s favourite game?
Croak-et.
Why was the frog down in the mouth?
He was unhoppy.
What do toads drink?
Croaka-cola.
When is a car like a frog?
When it is being toad.
What do you get if you cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
What kind of shoes do frogs like to wear in summer?
Open-toad sandals.
Where do tadpoles change into frogs?
In a croakroom
What is green and tough?
A frog with a machine gun.
Why didn’t the female frog lay eggs?
Because her husband spawned her affections.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart’s new?
What do you call a 100-year-old frog?
An old croak.
What do you get if you cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
What did one frog say to the other?
Time’s fun when you’re having flies!
What is white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What did the bus conductor say to the frog?
Hop on.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What game do Scottish toads play?
Hopscotch.
Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?
He had his own frog horn.
What’s green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What is a toad’s favourite sweet?
Lollihops
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Which frog became a famous cowboy?
Hopalong Cassidy.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What happens when you illegally park a frog?
It gets toad away.
What is green and goes round and round at 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
What is yellow and goes round and round very quickly?
A mouldy frog in a blender.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Where do frogs sit?
On toadstools.
How did the toad die?
Nobody knows, he just croaked.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”
Why did the baby salamander feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
“Hey,” the bartender says. “What’s his name?”
“Tiny,” the man replies.
“Why call him that?” the bartender asks.
“Because he’s my newt.”
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer.
The loan officer says, “My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?”
The frog says, “Yeah, I’d like to borrow some money.”
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says,
“Okay, what’s your name?”
The frog says, “Kermit Jagger.”
The loan officer says, “Really?
Any relation to Mick Jagger?”
The frog says, “Yeah, he’s my dad.”
The loan officer says, “Okay. Do you have any collateral?”
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, “Will this do?”
The loan officer says, “I’m not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.”
The frog says, “Oh, tell him I said hello. He knows me.”
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, “Excuse me, but there’s this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. He claims his dad is Mick Jagger but all he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing. I don’t know what it’s for.”
The manager says, “It’s a knickknack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Teacher: Johnny, can you find me Australia on the map?
Johnny: There it is, Miss.
Teacher: Now, Mary, who discovered Australia?
Mary: Johnny did, Miss.
What’s small, expensive and was built in Greenwich, London?
The Millennium Gnome.
What would the United States be called if everyone in it drove cars?
A car-nation.
What would the United States be called if everyone in it drove pink cars?
A pink car-nation.?
What would the United States be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.
Why is Florida so easy to get into?
Because it has many keys.
What is the smartest US state?
Alabama, it has four As and one B.
What stays in the corner, but travels around the world?
A stamp.
Which is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece.
Why are things so expensive to buy in Mexico?
You peso much.
In which Malaysian city do you find koala bears?
Koala Lumpur.
Where do pencils come from?
Pennsylvania.
What do you call an eye doctor living on an island off Alaska?
An optical Aleutian.
What do you call someone with a father from Iceland and a mother from Cuba?
An Ice Cube.
Which English city is the cleanest place to live?
Bath.
What happens if you throw a blue stone into the Red Sea?
It gets wet.
What do you call a party in the Middle East?
An Abu Dhabi do.
What rock group has four men that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Who is the most famous married woman in the United States?
Mrs Sippi.
What is the capital of Washington?
The W.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
What do you say if someone tells a lie in South America?
I don’t Bolivia.
What is the fastest country in the world?
Russia.
How do people dance in Saudi Arabia?
Sheikh-to-sheikh.
A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening. He turned to his father, who was reading the newspaper, and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes?”
“Don’t ask me,” replied the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”
Why didn’t the map grids go to the disco?
Because they were all squares.
An English tourist on a return visit to Turkey was greeted warmly by a local man wearing national costume.
The tourist said, “I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name, but your fez is familiar.”
What’s big, white, furry and always points North?
A Polar Bearing.
Why are people who jump off a bridge in Paris crazy?
Because they are in Seine.
What sort of pudding roams around the Arctic Circle?
Moose.
A man said to his friend, “Where did you go on holiday last year?”
The friend replied, “Spain.”
“A cheap place like the Costa Brava?”
“No, very expensive, Costa Fortune.”
Which city increases its population two-fold every year?
Dublin.
Why did Eve want to move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Where can you find an ocean without water?
On a map.
What makes the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn’t eat much.
“It’s clear,” said the schoolteacher to the young boy, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”
“Well,” said the boy, “my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.” A man said to his friend, “My wife’s gone to the Caribbean.” “Jamaica?”
“No, she went of her own accord.”
A man said to his friend, “My wife’s gone to Indonesia.”
“Jakarta?”
“No, she went by plane.”
A man said to his friend, “I met my wife in a northern Italian city.”
“Genoa?”
“Of course I do. I’m married to her, aren’t I?”
Which American state is round at each end and high in the middle?
Ohio.
What has four eyes but no face?
Mississippi.
A woman was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. A headline read: “Twelve Brazilian Soldiers Killed”.
The woman shook her head at the sad news, turned to the stranger sitting next to her, and asked, “How many is a Brazilian?”
Why did Mickey Mouse go the Sudan?
Because it was full of Khartoum characters.
How many people live in a Polish city?
Lodz.
Teacher: In what part of the world are the people the most ignorant?
Pupil: Hong Kong.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Pupil: Because the atlas says Hong Kong is where the population is most dense.
How do Minnesotans decide where to retire?
They tie a snow shovel to the back of their RV, drive south, and when people start asking, “What’s that thing?” they know they’ve gone far enough.
If Ireland sank into the sea, which county wouldn’t sink?
Cork.
For generations, a woman’s family lived on a farm in Manitoba on the border with North Dakota in an area that was in dispute between Canada and the US. One day her grown-up kids came in and told her that the dispute
had been settled, the international boundary line ran right through their farm, and the family could choose whether to be Canadians or Americans.
After some thought, the woman declared that they should become Americans. Her reason was that she couldn’t stand another Canadian winter.
A burglar went into the bank, pointed a gun at the teller and said, “Give me all your money, or you’ll be geography!”
The teller laughed nervously, “You mean history, right?”
The burglar snapped back, “Don’t change the subject!”
What tall dessert do they serve in Paris?
The trifle tower.
In which city do Australian women keep their money?
Perth.
Which American state has a friendly greeting for everyone?
Ohio.
First man: Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?
Second man: Cors-i-can.
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me, kis-A-me, kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?”
The waitress looked at him and said, “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”
How do we know that the Earth won’t come to an end?
Because it’s round.
What does Brazil produce that no other country produces?
Brazilians.
What do John Wayne and a map key have in common?
Both are legends.
Why do maps never win at poker?
Because they always fold.
What do you get if you cross a cowboy with a mapmaker?
A cowtographer.
Two grains of sand were walking together across the Sahara Desert. Suddenly one turned to the other and said, “I think we’re being followed.”
What do you call the queue of foreign couples outside the Hard Rock Cafe?
The international date line.
Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile.
Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16.
What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juveniles.
Where do bosses come from?
Boston.
Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don’t know, my TV doesn’t pick it up
What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
Dreaded wheat.
What do ghosts eat for lunch?
Ghoul-ash.
What do ghosts eat for supper?
Spook-etti.
What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.
What do ghosts watch at Christmas?
A phantomime.
How did the beautician style the ghost’s hair?
With a scare drier.
Why do you have to wait a long time for a ghost train?
They only run a skeleton service.
How did the ghost song-anddance act make a living?
By appearing in television spooktaculars.
What happened to the ghost who went to a party?
He had a wail of a time.
What streets do ghosts haunt?
Dead ends.
If you tipped a can of food over a ghoul, what would you get?
Beans on ghost.
Why did the mother ghost take her ghost child to the doctor?
She was worried because he was in such good spirits.
Ghost: Are you coming to my party?
Spook: Where is it?
Ghost: In the morgue. You know what they say, the morgue the merrier.
What is a ghost’s favourite fairground ride?
A rollerghoster.
Where do ghosts hang out on a Saturday night?
At all their old haunts.
What do you call a ghostly doctor?
Surgical spirit.
What’s got horns and a beard and walks through walls?
Casper the friendly goat.
Why did the ghost go on safari?
He was a big game haunter.
A guest was staying in a haunted house, and in the middle of the night he met one of the ghosts.
The ghost said, “I have been walking these corridors for four hundred years.”
“In that case,” said the guest, “can you tell me the way to the toilet?”
How do get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?
You use a spirit level.
What do you call a ghost’s songbook?
Sheet music.
A woman told her friend, “My daughter has married a ghost!”
“Oh my!” exclaimed the friend. “What possessed her?”
What did the mother ghost say to the naughty young ghost?
Spook only when you’re spoken to.
How can you tell if a ghost is about to faint?
He goes as white as a sheet.
Two ghosts were moaning about their lot. One said, “I don’t know what the world’s coming to. I just don’t seem to have any effect on people these days.”
“I know,” agreed the other. “For all they care, we might as well be dead.”
What did the ghost give his mom for Mother’s Day?
A booquet of flowers.
Who did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.
What kind of pets do ghosts have?
Scaredy cats.
Why is it difficult for a ghost to tell a lie?
Because you can see right through him.
How does a ghost start a letter?
Tomb it may concern…
Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard?
He was the Chief In-Spectre.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
Watch the board and I’ll go through it again.
What Central American country has the most ghosts?
Ghosta Rica.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
If a cow eats in a calf-eteria, where does a gorilla eat?
Anywhere it pleases.
What did the gorilla call his first wife?
His prime mate.
Two chimps got into a bath. One chimp said to the other, “Oo oo ah ah!”
The other chimp said, “Well, put some cold water in then!”
What does a gorilla eat in Paris?
Apes Suzettes.
Which American president did gorillas like the most?
Ape Lincoln
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
An explorer was walking through the jungle when he saw a chimp with a can opener. The explorer said, “You don’t need a can opener to peel a banana.”
“I know,” said the chimp. “This is for the custard.”
What is a gorilla’s favourite Christmas song?
Jungle Bells.
There was once a young chimp called May who loved to pick fights with bigger animals in the jungle. One day she picked a quarrel with a full-grown lion. The next day was the first of June. Why?
Because that was the end of May.
What did the chimp say when his sister had a baby?
Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!
If you throw a great ape into one of the Great Lakes, what will it become?
Wet.
What kind of monkey can fly?
A hot air baboon.
Which band do primates go ape over?
The Monkees.
Why are chimpanzees underpaid?
They work for peanuts.
Why did both Germany and America want to hire apes during World War Two?
Because they are excellent at waging gorilla warfare.
What do you call a 5,000-pound gorilla?
Sir.
What do patriotic monkeys wave on Flag Day?
Star Spangled Bananas.
Fred: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?
Bert: No, what happened?
Fred: Well, I stood there, without a gun. The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer…
Bert: What did you do?
Fred: Oh, I’d had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
A woman with a baby in her arms was sitting in a station waiting room, sobbing miserably. A porter came up to her and asked her what was the trouble.
“Some people were in here just now and they were so rude about my little boy,” she cried. “They all said he was horribly ugly.”
“There, there, don’t cry,” said the porter kindly. “Shall I get you a nice cup of tea?”
“Thank you, that would be nice,” replied the woman, wiping her eyes. “You’re very kind.”
“That’s all right. Don’t mention it,” said the porter. “While I’m at it, by the way, would you like a banana for the chimp?”
No one survived a terrible bus accident except a monkey. As there were no human witnesses, the police decided to interrogate the monkey, which seemed to respond to their questions with gestures.
The police chief asked, “What were the people doing on the bus?”
The monkey shook his head in a condemning manner and started dancing around, meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asked, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”
The monkey held his hand to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief said, “Oh! They were drinking! Were they doing anything else?”
The monkey nodded his head and moved his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief lost his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?”
The monkey cheerfully swung his arms to the sides as if grabbing a steering wheel.
