Doctor: Young man, you're going to need a flu shot.
Matt: Will it hurt?
Doctor: I'll be fine, but thanks for asking.
Jimmy: Where were you born?
Derek: On Rivers Avenue.
Jimmy: You're lucky you weren't run over by a bus!
Amy: The dog bit me in a very painful spot.
Rosie: Where'd he bite you?
Amy: In the backyard!
Gretchen: How does Old MacDonald spell “farm”?
Heather: E. I. E. I. O.
Troy: Excuse me, are you the head doctor here?
Doctor: No, I'm the foot doctor
Jiggy Geography
Parasites are people from Paris Peruse are people from Peru Maracas are people from Morocco Canyons are people from Kenya Goblets are people from Turkey
Teacher: Do you know what we call the person who delivers children?
Melody: She's called Mom. She delivers me to school, to my girlfriends' houses, to the mall, to soccer practice …
Trent: That sure is cool exercise equipment.
Matt: Thanks, I got it at the gym.
Trent: Did they have a sale?
Matt: No, they had a sign that said Free Weights.
Heather: You should see my new watch. It's rust-proof, dustproof, shockproof, waterproof, and never needs batteries.
Gretchen: Cool, let's see it.
Heather: I lost it. So if you should see it, let me know!
Jimmy: My older brother Dave crashed his car into a tree going forty miles an hour.
Troy: Wow! I didn't know trees could move that fast!
Geo-Giggles
Here are the names of six states. Put them in the correct blanks to make three silly state riddles.
HINT: The pictures will give you a clue!
ELEPHANT JOKES
No one knows how or why, but about 40 years ago elephant jokes stampeded onto the scene and became extremely popular. Here are a few samples of loopy, sometimes bizarre, pachyderm humor:
Can an elephant jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can't jump at all.
Why do elephants lie on their back?
They like to trip low-flying birds with their feet
What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A pachyderm that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.
Why did the elephants quit their job at the factory?
They were tired of working for peanuts.
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Here come the elephants!”
What did Tarzan say?
“Here come the grapes!” He was color blind.
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't get down off an elephant. You get down off a duck.
How do you catch an elephant?
Hide in the bushes and act like a peanut.
How do you get the wrinkles out of an elephant's skin?
Take him out of the dryer as soon as it stops.
Why don't elephants smoke?
Their butts are too big to set in the ashtrays.
Why are elephants easier to find in Alabama?
Because in Alabama you'll find Tuscaloosa (tusks are looser).
What weighs 2000 pounds, has big ears, tusks, and two trunks?
An elephant going on vacation.
What's big and gray and goes up and down, up and down?
An elephant bungee jumping.
Elemorphant
Can you turn an elephant into a peanut in three steps? Start with the word ELEPHANT. In each step, you can do only one of the following things — delete a group of letters, add a letter, or change one letter into another. Remember, you have to end up with PEANUT in Step 3! HINT: Keep track of the letters on the lines provided.
Jay Leno was once asked to name a comedian's most important tool. “A tape recorder!” he replied. Not to record the comedian, but to record the audience. Leno urges new comedians to listen and relisten to their live performances and note when the audience laughed, when they didn't laugh, if the jokes were fast enough, loud enough, smart enough. Armed with this new information, a budding comedian can delete the bad jokes, sharpen up the better ones, and make the next gig even funnier
CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING more inviting than a good knock-knock joke? Who can resist answering “who's there?” after hearing someone say “knock knock”? You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't love these jokes.
Knock-knocks are popular in every country where people speak English, including the United States, Canada, Great Britain, and Australia. That's because each knock-knock joke is a pun, or a play on words, and puns are more popular in English than they are in other languages.
So, what's the purpose of a knock-knock joke anyway? Well, that's easy! To make you laugh, of course! A good laugh can have many truly wonderful results. Laughter is a universal language that all humans share no matter where they live or how old they are. Laughter can connect people of all ages around the world. Did you know that babies start laughing when they're only two months old? That's so much earlier than speaking or even crawling. Babies know funny when they see or hear it. And so do the rest of us.
Another fabulous result of a good laugh is that it really is the best medicine. Laughter is a great cure when you're down in the dumps and just can't shake the blues. Even the experts agree: Laughter helps to keep us healthy and happy. Science shows us that laughter increases the amount of oxygen running through our blood, makes us relax, and helps us feel less nervous during stressful times. This is no secret. People have known this for centuries. Some people even make a living just getting others to laugh!
Back in the very old days, court jesters appeared before the king and queen just to amuse them. Today, comedians, clowns, actors, and actresses all work hard to come up with funny material to get a good laugh from their audiences. Sometimes people will go out of their way to find something that will make them laugh. They watch movies, go to the theater, and turn on the television set, all in the hopes of kicking back and seeing how funny life can be!
Laughter makes people happy, and we all know that everybody likes to be around happy people. So start chuckling, giggling, guffawing, or even rolling-on-the-floor belly laughing. Gather some friends and start your own hysterical society. This is a group that gets together to tell each other jokes, riddles, and rhymes, act silly, and just plain make each other laugh. Don't worry if no one's laughing right away. Laughter is contagious. Just start tee-heeing, ho-ho-ing, and ha-ha-ing, and everyone else will soon follow
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