Golf Course or…
Four married guys go golfi ng. While playing the 4th hole,
the following conversation takes place:
1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be
able to come out golfi ng this weekend. I had to promise
my wife that I would paint every room in the house
next weekend.”
2nd Guy: “That’s nothing. I had to promise my wife I
would build a new deck for the pool.”
3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise
my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continued to play the hole when they realized
that the 4th guy hadn’t said anything. So they asked
him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had
to do to be able to come golfi ng this weekend. What’s
the deal?”
4th Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when
it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge,
and said, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’
And she said, ‘Wear your sweater.’”
Marriage
A man is getting married and is standing by his bride at the
church. Standing beside him are his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
The groom replies, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
Tough Round
A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst
ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and
tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before
it starts.” She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams
it down next to him. He fi nishes that beer and a few minutes
later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start
any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfi ng
all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and
sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat
slob, and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”
Bullish on Trousers
Why did the golfer take an extra pair of pants when he went
out on the golf course?
Just in case he got a hole in one.
Golfer and Caddie
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
“There are three ways of learning golf:
by study, which is the most wearisome; by
imitation, which is the most fallacious; and
by experience, which is the most bitter.”
—Robert Browning
Funeral Procession
Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot.
At that moment, a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped,
stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His
golfing partner looked at him and said, “Mike, that was kind
and decent of you to show such respect for the dead.”
Mike replied, “Yes, we would have been married twenty-six
years come tomorrow.”
“Victory is everything. You
can spend the money, but you can
never spend the memories.”
—Ken Venturi
That’s Not My Ball
“That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old,” said the
player looking at a ball deep in the trees.
“It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
He’s Not My Caddie
Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style, but when one oil
tycoon appeared at a local British golf course followed by a
servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise lounge, his opponents
thought that this was taking style too far.
“J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch
all over the course after you?” they asked him.
“Caddie, my eye,” explained J.R. “That’s my psychiatrist.”
From a Huge Slice…
Talk about fantastic golf teachers. He was the best, and
one day this woman came to him and said that she had
developed a terrifi c slice. Day and night he worked with her
for fi ve months.
Now she’s the biggest hooker in town
Stop Checking the Time
“Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddie.
It’s distracting!”
“This isn’t a watch, sir. It’s a compass!”
I’ll Sue You
A golfer is ready to tee off, when a golfer in the adjacent
fairway hits him square in the face with his golf ball.
“Idiot! Your ball hit me in the eye! I’ll sue you for fi ve
million dollars!”
The other golfer replied, “I said ‘fore!’”
The fi rst golfer then said, “I’ll take it!”
Who Do You Think You Are?
Jesus and Arnold Palmer are playing golf. Arnold tees off. It’s
a long drive straight up the fairway, and he’s about a 5-iron off
the green.
“Not bad,” Jesus says. Jesus steps up to tee off, but his
drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a
water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his
next shot.
“Jesus!” yells Palmer, “who do you think you are,
Jack Nicklaus?”
My Wife Left Me
Fred called his friend in tears. “I can’t believe it,” he sobbed.
“My wife left me for my golfi ng partner.”
“Get a hold of yourself, man,” said his friend. “There are
plenty of other women out there.”
“Who’s talking about her?” said Fred. “He was the only guy
that I could ever beat!”
“A professional will tell you the amount of
f lex you need in the shaft of your club. The
more the f lex, the more strength you will
need to break the thing over your knees.”
—Stephen Baker
“Every rock ’n’ roll band I know, guys with
long hair and tattoos, plays golf now.”
—Alice Cooper
“Golf is 20 percent mechanics and
technique. The other 80 percent is
philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance,
melodrama, companionship, camaraderie,
cussedness, and conversation.”
—Grantland Rice
She’ll Leave Me
“My wife says she’s leaving me if I don’t give up golf.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Miss her like hell.”
Neither Would He
My wife asked me why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.
So I asked her, “Would you continue to play with a guy who
always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always
playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt,
and generally offends everyone around him on the course?”
“Certainly not, dear,” she replied.
“Well, neither would he.”
“Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen
you tee off before and knows that the
safest place to be when you play
is right down the middle.”
—Jackie Gleason
Drag George
A fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls
asleep on the couch, and doesn’t wake up until about 9:00
p.m. His wife asks why he is so tired.
“Well, you remember George, my golfi ng buddy? He died
today on the 4th green.”
“That’s terrible, it must have been awful,” she says.
“It sure was,” he says. “For the next 14 holes it was drive,
drag George, chip, drag George, putt, drag George…”
“I’m Drowning
Misjudging its depth, Ron waded into the lake to retrieve his
badly sliced ball. Very quickly he was floundering out of his
depth and, as his tweed plus-fours became waterlogged, he
found himself in real trouble.
“Help, I’m drowning!” he shouted to his partner.
“Don’t worry,” came the reply. “You won’t drown. You’ll
never keep your head down long enough.”
Emergency
“Doctor, we’ve got an emergency! My baby just swallowed
my golf tees.”
“I’ll be there at once.”
“But tell me what to do ’til you get here, doc?”
“Practice your putting.”
Only Golfers Allowed
Eric, the club’s worst golfer, was addressing his ball. Feet apart,
just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffl es with the
driver, just so, and then swing. He missed. Eric repeated the
procedure and then repeated it again. On the fourth swing,
however, he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it
fi ve meters down the fairway. Looking up in exasperation, he
saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him.
“Look here!” Eric shouted angrily. “Only golfers are allowed
on this course!”
The stranger nodded, “I know it, mister,” he replied, “but I
won’t say anything if you won’t either!”
A Scratch Golfer
Two women were put together as partners in the club
tournament and met on the putting green for the fi rst time.
After introductions, the fi rst golfer asked, “What’s
your handicap?”
“Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied.
“Really!” exclaimed the fi rst woman, suitably impressed
that she was paired up with her.
“Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the
bad ones!”
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